And then

ifeellikewritinganothersongandidohaveanideainmyheadbutithinkipackedmygreenbookinwhichiwritemysongsandpoemsinandyoumayaskwhyiamwritinglikethiswellirecentlyfeellikeilovemywordsmorethantheemptyspacesbetweenthemandiwishallmyheartbrokenfriendswouldhavetheirheartsfixedverysoon.

I started to like Zain Bikha recently.

Bared soul

Sometimes, I feel like God made this world specifically for me. Every single thing has been put in their places to show me something, to help me through life. For the past few days, I have been feeling awful. My heart and my outward actions have not been aligned. I felt like the biggest hypocrite on Earth, hitting my lowest point and spreading a big smile on my face at the same time. I felt so ungrateful, yet, when time came to be grateful, I forgot about it. After what seems like a very, very long time, I truly hated myself.

I got up yesterday morning, I told myself, my life will have to be turned around. And I can do so. I listened to the Qur'an, went to Tajweed and Arabic classes, talked about interesting and useful matters with Sum. But when the test came, I failed.

I got up this morning, and said the same. I read Quran. (Oh, the Arabic lessons are paying off. I recognised quite a few words today. Including 'door' - which I never would be able to guess from common sense.) I fell asleep, even though I told myself I can't. I got out of the house at about 9.30 to fulfill my commitments. On the way, I saw a lady in a wheelchair. She was crossing the road with me. SubhanAllah, the distance that took her about 30 seconds to cross took me about 5. I could cut across the road, I could run if a car comes to close, I could cross in the bumpiest parts and easily reach the other side safely. She had to wait to cross in the low sections especially designated for crossing, she could only go as far as her machine would take her, and had to give much more effort to go across curves. At one point, we crossed together. And for the first time in days, I felt completely grateful. My heart melted at the thought of how perfect God has made my body. I often complain about it, but, in reality, it is truly perfect. I have no diseases, no disabilities, nothing. Alhamdulillah.

And then, on the same day, today, I talked to a few of my friends. They are all going through some troubled times, each with a different problem. And I was thinking about how great my life is compared to theirs. We are all humans, we all have shared something in common very recently, but, my life has been made so much better! I have left the pressure and uncertainity of HSC behind, I have a beautiful, healthy family who stick together, helping each other out whenever someone is in need, I have so much support around me. Alhamdulillah.

The thing is, I can complain as much as I want about pretty much anything. But when I look at the positive side of life, I can't find anything to complain about. Life is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. I hope I can fulfill the purpose of my creation. Otherwise, this beautiful life will be a complete waste. Pray, so that I can learn from my mistakes.

Ups and Downs

How do you define who you are? What if someone very close to you constantly defines you? Constantly tells you who you are and what you are? What if it contradicts what you think of yourself? What if both definitions slowly become one?

I would like to think that I do certain things because I like it and because its good for both the world and myself. I wish everyone else, especially my closest people, would think the same way.

On a more cheery note, I met a random girl on the train today. We both got on the train thinking that it'll stop in a certain stop (both, coincidentally, the same stop), however, it did not. Its amazing how you meet someone who lives a completely different life and start talking to them like you have known each other forever. At first, it began as just 'hey, does this train stop at...?', 'I think it does!', 'Oops it doesn't, but hey, we're going to the same place so we can change trains together!'. Then it went to names, background, siblings to thoughts on different aspects of life! And it turned out that she's my age too! I met another girl in a similar manner a few weeks back. We both finished our exams and were waiting at the bus stop. The bus didn't come for a long time so we were looking for new ways to get back to the station. And we ended up talking about a lot of things, half of which I can't remember. Except, I do remember that I thoroughly enjoyed both encounters and conversations.

'To live, is an awfully big adventure!' (Peter Pan)

Words are so powerful. They can put you down lower than you have ever imagined, yet, they can lift you up too, higher than you ever thought possible. Alhamdulillah, words can flow out of my fingers and put my heart to rest. Which reminds me: Did you know that God sent each prophet to each nation according to their strengths? The people of Jesus were strong in medicine, therefore, Jesus had healing powers. Arabs wrote beautiful poetry, therefore, the Qur'an is so eloquent in its words.

I must leave.

Blanket.

I am beginning to realise that my mother is right. I really need to be a tad more organised if I want to keep doing the thousand things I signed myself up for. Currently, I am learning a language twice a week, going to Tajweed classes twice a week, teaching about five kids, packing all my possessions, watching The Big Bang Theory and reading up on the list of things I wanted to read up on. On top of that, there are chores, sleep, food, friends and facebook. I plan to continue these when uni starts again, even though I have no idea how exactly I plan to do that. I started to use the calendar on my phone more efficiently, and that is as far as I went in terms of being organised. My hair has turned into strings and is beginning to fall off my head once again. I think its about time I used my expensive organic shampoo and co. They were bought when I was struggling financially (I am still struggling financially) [MA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THAT WAS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY] so I think I should put them to good use. Except, Sydney has turned into Antarctica and all I want to do is wrap myself in my blanket and sleep until winter ends. Also, we finally decided to go solar for heating our water. Although the sun rises everyday, clouds are not very timely in their affairs. The water can go cold without warning. Another reason to be wrapped in my blanket and sleep.

I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

I was checking who visited my blog today, and found that someone from France googled something and found a post of mine from 2006. I read the post again and had a few thoughts rush into my mind straight away. 2006 seems too long ago. This was during my first reform after having a bad fall of the soul, when I was trying to stuff my life with as many things as I could. It was also right after the Amin sisters got married, which seems like an awfully long time ago, since they currently have five whole kids between them. Daggers is now nearly at the end of her university course and earning regularly. Back then, she just finished her HSC.

I felt like editing some photos today, so I rummaged through some old photos, and found this. It was taken at the end of 2008 or at the beginning of 2009. I went to visit my grandmother around that time - I even spent my new years eve there! The four other people that lived there went to bed at 8 pm that night. The rest of the family left the village a few days earlier, leaving me behind so that I would have some quite time to 'study'. Of course I got nothing done! Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is, I don't know who these kids are. I just know that they live near my grandmother's place. And I was out with the camera one day and saw that they were playing. I forgot what they were playing. I forgot most of the details, except, when I told them that I want to take some photos, they became so happy! They were crowding around the camera and became very amazed that you can see the photo straight away! I know a lot of things will change the next time I see them. Maybe some of the girls would be married, the boys sent off  to work. But I do hope that I get to see them and share some of these memories.


And one night, it was full moon. It was so beautiful!

When the night has come,
And the land is dark,
And the moon is the only light we'll see...
No I won't be afraid..
Oh no.. I.. won't be a-fraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me!


Yes, I recently watched Stand By Me. It's a very cute movie, and it reminded me of books that I used to read as a child - Jafor Iqbal books. I also watched Peter Pan recently, and started missing my pretend worlds very much! It told me that I just have to think happy thoughts, and it will lift me up into the air. One of my many favourite quotes?
Wendy: My parents wanted me to grow up. 
Captain Hook: Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples. 


Sorry about the fuzziness, if fuzziness annoys you.


P.S: The full moon photo was taken by my wonderful sister!

Heart-shaped box

Dearest readers, 'tis my latest and possibly one of my corniest productions. It was written last night. In the past few days, a lot of people around me seemed to have broken it off or given the news to me of breaking it off with their previous significant other. This is a song for them. Its a bit of fun, not to be taken seriously. I do realise that songs about a 'you' have been written over and over again, thus, most of the words would seem borrowed from previous poets. Oh well - I still hope (yes, I am an optimist!) you enjoy the bunch of common words I've thrown together in a very familiar manner.

Verse:
When the sun shines through my mind
I know the day is one of a kind
'Cause the moon rose over the clouds last night
It made you seem as clear and bright
as my dreams.

I knew I couldn't touch you
I knew, though, everything seemed true
They were unreal, as much as you
You were making me feel, feel a little blue.

PRE-CHORUS:
So I cried, I cried last night
When nothing seemed alright
And the stars shone down on the sea
'Cause they couldn't bear shining on me.

CHORUS:
Baby,
Did you say, maybe?
Did you just make a promise to me?
I don't know yet,
If this is fate,
Or if you're a running a little late
for someone else.

Verse:
So when the sun shone through my mind today,
I knew you're just a memory, nothing more to say,
I lay on grass, watched the sky
And the clouds from last night passed me by.

CHORUS.

Dear, I thought I'd drop a line. The weather's cool. The folks are fine.

Even though the holidays started, it feels like I am not getting any time or space to breathe. I am currently packing my life of nine years into cardboard boxes, organising some holiday activities, being a friend to a friend who reminds me of myself, teaching a few kids, talking about problems, trying to fix some problems, cooking and cleaning. I love this life though. I never thought I would say this, but I actually enjoy being busy. It makes moments like this, in which I take some time off to reflect, much more precious.

I found so many things when I was cleaning out my papers. All those assignments from junior high, neatly completed exercise books and worksheets, 10/10s. Then my handwriting slowly turned into a runny mess, couplets or four-lined poems were found in between work, little thoughts hidden between pages. Folders and folders of collections of papers, worked solutions, essays. I don't want to give them away. They feel like pets that I have had for a very long time, things which need to go to a good owner, or not go at all. Its getting easier though, I am sorting and re-sorting things, throwing out things that I thought I would never part with. It feels like such a waste! All those years of work would soon be crushed to nothing.

There are so many things that we keep for our future generations. Its nice to imagine that our grandkids would go through our neatly written books one day and laugh at our silliness. They'll read my mistakes and triumphs and understand how human minds work, and how they should handle theirs. Isn't that why we record everything? To make our thoughts available for the future?

Whats the point, though? We'll all be dead one day, anyway. What guarantee is there that everything that we cherish will be cherished in the future? Why waste time and space to create something that probably won't be of any use later? Why can't we spend more time doing things that will be useful? Honestly, I look at the years of work now, and I am realising that they should have been thrown out right after they served their need. Keeping useless things for longer only increases attachment.

But I am finding many interesting things though. This is a page from one of my chemistry books from year 11. If you know the real song, you would realise that this is not it. I used to do crazy things like that. Change a few words from a certain song to make it suit better in my mind. For example, Beatle's Across the Universe always sounded better to me as 'words are flowing out like rain into my paper cups of pain' instead of 'words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup'.

I was talking to JP yesterday. She suggested that I read the wiki page of 'science'. I find her views quite interesting. She's an atheist, who, according to some, are 'too rational'. I think she's an amazing, talented human being. She showed me a bird that she drew free hand onto a white t-shirt, just for practice. I was stunned at what she can do in a few minutes. I shall write more about our conversation and point of views later, when I read her suggested wiki page.

That other friend of mine - AI - she's going through something which is a lot similar to what I went through in my senior years. School work, personal life, pressure, being lost about who you are - all of these just has to happen in the final year of schooling. I hated year 12, I really did hate it. I can say that now, because alhamdulillah (all praise is to God) I have seen so much better, so much more of life, discovered so much more of myself, after I finished HSC. The stress really isn't worth it. AI is also an amazing girl who just needs a little push to believe in herself. Her 17th birthday is coming up, and I really want to treat her with something rewarding.

I am also loving tutoring my kids now. I love the look in their eyes when they understand, I love their gratefulness, and I love seeing what they can do with a little encouragement. Alhamdulillah, all of my students are great kids, who can teach me a few life lessons as well.

I shall go and cook lau (bottle gourd, i think its called in english?) now. I told ma that I felt like cooking something, so she took this out of the freezer. I don't really like cooking conventional curry food, but, oh well. I want to make her happy. She makes me smile like the sun, fall out of bed (with her phone calls at 10 am), sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a sunday night. She makes me smile!

P.S: The title is from a Song called 'P.S I love you by Nelle McKay', which I heard from the movie 'P.S I love you'. Its an alright sort of movie. Its probably a great movie to cry over if you've just broken up with someone. It might be a funny movie to laugh at if you think overtly romantic things are ridiculous.

P.P.S: A few posts back, I wrote P.S.S instead of P.P.S. Only realised a few posts later!

P.P.P.S: 'P.S I love you' was actually originally by Billie Holiday. I knew I should've been born about 60 years ago!

dum di dum

Saturday morning

When it’s not raining

And the sun is out of its shell

My mind flutters

The words it utters

Make up a story to tell.

The words close my eyes

To reality’s lies

My dreams will suffice

To bring a new sunrise.

There goes another instant rhyme, put into a tune, since no one is around to hear it. By the way, I know that it is not Saturday. My exams finished on Saturday. Its Tuesday today.


I had a lot of plans before the holidays, and hopefully, I will start on those soon - possibly next week. I want to learn a bit more about the Palestine/Israel conflict, about the history of Islam since prophet Muhammad's (peace be upon him) death and about the two concepts that Islam and the west have major problems right now: Jihad and Hijab. Hopefully, I will regularly update my thoughts on these matters. If you have an opinion (based on solid sources, not on prejudice and presumptions), please feel free to comment. If you have any suggestions for a starting point, feel free to comment too!

You make me smile like the sun

This is a song I wrote two days back. I wasn't happy at all, so I am quite surprised that I managed to be so cringworthily sugary! But I am liking sugary things nowadays (as always, I guess?). I watched 'Stand by Me' recently, and I am liking Buddy Holly and The Chordettes. Its a phase, I know, just like the time I was obsessed with 'Hey Good Lookin'!' Anyway, the sky is grey today, neither dark blue, nor red, nor yellow. I am currently quite happy. Grateful for the person that I am, for the life I have, for the people around me, for everything. Holidays started from yesterday. I slept in without guilt, or without the feeling that I should feel guilty - for the first time in a very long time. The change in layout was needed. I feel like I am stepping into a stage of my life, even though, nothing big have happened. I am sorry if I am throwing my thoughts around everywhere and its disorienting you too... oh well. How long has it been since I started writing? The first post was on the 4th of July, 2005. Nearly 5 years of my life have been documented from my point of view. Wow. Oh, and the title is completely unrelated, Emu (was your title completely unrelated too? were you just trying to confuse me?). Its from Smile by Uncle Kracker.


I actually do not have a title for this song yet, but I was thinking of 'Sunrise'.

The sky
Is a little dark blue
Tonight

So

I wanna 

Know

Are gonna

Cry, cry, cry

With the 

Sky -y -y

Just because its 
Blue
I don't know about 
You
But I think I know
How to make it feel better
All you gotta 
Do
Is get a bubblegum to
Chew
Then type up a colourful letter.
Make sure its filled with wishes
Completely void of cliches
Then wrap it up like paper maches
Beat it with eyelashes
Use a little imagination
Send it across all stations
Across a million miles
To make the sky smile
And happiness will flow
In red and yellow glow.


O-o-ow

So

I wanna 

Know

Are gonna

Cry, cry, cry

With the 

Sky -y -y

Because the sky

Is a little dark blue

Tonight

So

I wanna 

Know

Are gonna

Cry, cry, cry

With the 

Sky.

Waiting for rain

I wrote this song last night. I personally feel like this is one of the best that I have been blessed with. They come so naturally right before exams! Anyway, I have a tune for this song, however, since I have not been blessed with the most beautiful voice on earth, the sufferers shall only consist of my family. They may want to die of shame, or of regret, but at least they won't be able to run away, listening to my voice. By the way, did I mention that I once broke glass while singing? Possibly not.

I'm sitting here,
Waiting for the sky to tear up;
I'm sitting here,
Waiting for a drop to fall down.
Fall on my eyes,
Fall on my eyes,
Fall on my eyes -
To make me cry.
They've been dry for way too long,
They're urging me to sing a new song,
They know that my heart feels a little too wrong...
A little out place...
Its gone missing.

I'm sitting here,
Waiting for my heart to beat again;
Still waiting for that drop of, drop of rain.
To fall on my heart,
To fall on my heart,
To fall on my heart -
It hardened and dried.
The blood from my heart drained out,
I didn't say a word, didn't whisper or shout.
I just let it be - arrogant, proud.
That's a little out place,
Now its gone missing.

So, I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here,
Waiting for the rain,
Waiting for the mercy to
Shower upon my pain,
Waiting for it all just to wash away;
And bring me a brand new, brand new day.

I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here -
Waiting for another pumping heart,
Waiting for a whole new, whole new start,

Waiting for the rain,

Waiting for the mercy to 

Shower upon my pain.

Waiting for it all just to wash away -

I'm waiting for a brand new day.

Them.

I have Katsaridaphobia.


Such a fancy name!


I was going to put a picture of them in here, but google images of them turned everything upside down inside me.


ps: exams in 3 days. 
pss: please pray for me!
psss: i feel claustrophobic.
pssss: photo was taken from here: http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/3/1/129119737289562671.jpg 

The beginning

My first experience with the internet was not until I was eleven. In Bangladesh, when it came to anything 'technical', my biggest thrill was seeing my name written in WordArt and playing a game called 'Prince of Persia', which consisted of a black-and-white pixalated hero escaping from a castle. (It also made beeping noises, adding to the thrill!). The reason that the computer was there at all was that my dad upgraded from a typewriter to Windows 3.2 (or 3 point something else) to type up his papers and use the internet to communicate with other scientists. So our use was pretty restricted. Anyway, along with the internet, came another world. Although I was not allowed to have an email address, I did pop by in-between my sister's and my brother's turns, to play games.

Age twelve brought a whole new prospect. I finally opened up my first email account (of course, a Hotmail account!) and stuck the word 'snowflakes' in my username. I really don't remember my reasoning behind it apart from the fact that I was looking for a nice word and my socks happened to have snowflakes on them. (Though I would like to think that I thought 'sweety', 'baby' and 'angel' was overrated...).

An email account meant MSN, Bebo, weird quizzes etc etc. It also meant a lot of forwarded emails, which ranged from 'Send this to 10 people and the love of your life will call you tonight' to 'Hotmail is closing down in 2 weeks!'. Amongst all this BS, I also got shocking pictures of African children and bloodied pictures of kids in Palestine. Like all other internetians, I learnt to skip over the forwards in a year or two.

Being in the later half of gen Y, I am spending my teen years in the new millennium. I have witnessed many attacks, including 9/11, war in Afghanistan, Bali bombing, war against Iraq, bombing in England to name a few. I have heard about them over and over in the news, from adults, from forwards. That, and the vivid pictures of the on-going cruelties, eventually caused me to shut it all out. Along with many other teens, I sheltered myself from the world behind problems with friends, clothes, books, TV. I am ashamed to say that I am indeed an ignorant, oblivious silence, whose existence is probably a waste of time and space.

The recent attack on the Gaza Freedom Flotilla sort of jerked me. I suddenly realised that there was more to the world that I probably should be aware of(surprise, surprise!). I hope to find out more about Gaza and dig deep into why the problem started in the first place. From what I know now, there have been 1,188 Israeli deaths in the last 10 years by Palestinians while 1417 Palestinian deaths in 23 days in January 2009 by Israeli military forces. In the same attack, more than 6000 homes were destroyed in Gaza. The blockade restricts building material from entering Gaza, as a result, the people whose homes have been destroyed are not able to rebuild. Their source of building material is broken infrastructure from previous attacks. As a result of the attacks, there is a shortage in electricity and water. According to Sydney Morning Herald sources, up to 7 people share water that should be consumed by only 1 person.

Barak Obama is not condemning the blockade due to the 'security concerns' - which refers to the home made rockets thrown by the democratically elected political group Hamas. With these rockets, Hamas managed to kill more than 20 people in the past 10 years. Israel killed 1417 people in 23 days. From where I stand, that looks awfully ridiculous!

I do hope to find out more about both sides of the story of Israel/Palestine. If anyone has any suggestions of any good sources, please leave a comment.

Elevate

You turn away. You close your eyes from everything that lacks the colour of purity. You block your ears from every unwanted noise. Your nose no longer wants to breathe in the stench of the world. Your tongue prepares to be wet with only beautiful words. You relax. Let your mind lose itself in the infiniteness of the moment.

You proclaim His greatness. You place your hands close to your heart. You utter the words of praise and gratefulness. You remember every morsel of food, every breath of fresh air, every touch of love, every minute of security. You thank Him. You remember every accomplishment,  victory and failure through which He has made you the person that you are. You thank Him. You feel His words of approval in your heart. Your mind and words move from the past to the future. You remind yourself of your goal, your final destiny, the world that would exist when everything would end. You know, that only He has the power to give you the power to mould the future through the present. You ask Him. Him alone do you worship and Him alone do you ask for help. You feel His answer; His generous promise of acceptance.

You hate being lost and confused. You ask Him for the best possible solution available. Slowly, you bow down, proclaiming His greatness once again. You continue to glorify Him, before you stand up straight in the same manner. You affirm, that you know, that He accepts those who are thankful. You fall to the ground. Your face touches bare earth, your nose breathes in the scent of raw purity. You rest upon your hands and knees as your head surrenders to His power of might and love. You lose every shred of arrogance. You affirm and reaffirm that every one of you are equal in His eyes. You remind yourself of His infinite power, next to which, you are powerless. You have faults, He is perfect. You are a human being. You are His servant, He is your Lord. You affirm that He is the Most High.

You raise yourself up. You sit with every part of yourself facing in the direction that He commanded you to face, due to your obedience and love. You pray for every goodness. You ask Him to wipe away every spot of impurity from your heart. You wish peace to those who brought the message to you. You wish peace to all believers.

You turn your face to your right and then to your left, wishing peace to every creation in every direction.

This is what we experience every day, five times a day. This is the reason that sleep is worth missing. This is what reminds us, that no matter what happens, He is always there for us. Our daily failures and successes are just stepping stones. If something gets us down, we let our heart flow to Him. This is a reminder that life is worth living.

Right Now.

loving it again.

Existing, disappointments and beauty

16/05/2010


Much to my friends' relief, I finally got a new phone. Ok... Its not an iPhone, neither is it any kind of touch, but its definitely better than the half dead sets I've been using for the past 2 years! Its the red Nokia E63. Though there are many benefits of this set, the best thing about this phone is its convenient system of typing up a to-do list. It helps me to do one of the things my family things I am an expert at - elaborate planning. Its reminding me now that I have '5 to-do notes not done', which is definitely beneficial, because I usually don't look at my lists after a day or two. So, I tend to forget what I have not done, and fall back into procrastination. This system is subconsciously making me feel guilty --> forcing me to get rid of this guilt to prevent falling into a depressive cycle --> forcing me to get things done. By the way, 2 days ago, the reminder said '9 to-do notes not done'. That's 2 things done per day. Good start!


The downside of getting a new phone is getting my new number across to all friends. So, if you are a friend, check your email inbox, or facebook inbox, or phone messages. I also spent a tedious few days transferring all of my contacts to my new set. It would have been much easier to do if all the contacts I had in that set solely belonged to me, but my tattered set had been a hand-me-down from a very busy woman (whom I love of course, so I'm not complaining!)

I also started to read 'Einstein Girl'. Its just a random book I picked up at the library, but it turned out to be quite bleak but interesting. I haven't read it for a while because it started to affect every aspect of my life - just like any other addiction! Speaking of addictions, Tales of Mere Existence by Levni Yilmaz took over my life for the past 2 hours. Yilmaz is a talented, pessimistic, and probably bored out of his mind, guy who makes short films by drawing comics with a voice-over. I found him while searching for a cure for procrastination on YouTube (an example of irony, children). I can relate to a lot of his videos in one way or another and couldn't stop myself from laughing so much that it gave me a stomach ache. Then I came across this video:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeLr2oElXHQ&feature=player_embedded


I was surprised to see that none of the things he said bothered me much. I guess its because I have answers to every reason why he finds the concept of God ridiculous. 'The concept of God is something where you aren't allowed to ask questions or give opinions'- I think I used to feel this way. I think a lot of people feels this way. But the reason that they do, is because they don't know much about God and the people they ask those questions to do not know much either. Its quite ironical because you can't believe in something you do not know enough about. And you can't love or fear or respect a being whom you do not believe in. I cannot speak for any other religions except what I know of, so I'll speak only about Islam. The arabic language (the language in which the Qur'an was revealed in) is so vast that a lot of words have very comprehensive meanings in English. (For example, one of God's 'names', is Al-Afu, which is translated into English as merely 'The Forgiver'. A scholar who is knowledgeable in the language explained that the effect of the word is like if you put a mark on sand with your finger and the waves come and wash it away. It is as if the sin has never existed. Another of such names is 'Al-Ghafur', which is also often translated as 'The Forgiver'. But the linguist explained, that this word is referring to someone who 'covers' up, but does not wipe away. Obviously, the different names apply to sins and repentance at different degree, thus, they are not contradictory.) The Qur'an is probably the best place to search for answers about God since it is the direct words of Him. One third of the whole Quran is dedicated to the concept of God. It informs us that God  is infinite, and has infinite number of qualities, but, for the benefit of humans, only 99 of them are revealed. I went to a course by AlKauthar called To Whom Belongs the Most Beautiful Names, which expanded my horizon exponentially (which is also where I learnt the difference between Al-Afu' and Al-Ghafur


'A good moral person will go to hell if he happens to be an atheist' - In Islam, as humans, we cannot definitely say that a person will go to hell or will go to heaven. It is up to God to decide, because, yes, you are right Lev, He is actually Just! But if you do not believe in God, chances are, you do not believe in heaven or hell in the first place. Why would you care?


'Religion also keeps people from communicating well because if a deeply religious person meets a not religious person the religious person will think - Oh, this guy is a heretic, I must show him the way. And the not religious person will think - This guy is a Jesus freak, I have to get out of here!' - lol. You're actually quite right about this! I think its because, people who believe in God, actually believe in the fact that He is true and that there is a consequence for every action of every single person, which can be either a positive or a negative consequence. So, religious people try to let others know about what they know, which of course, often doesn't translate very well. Happens. Every one's different, so everyone will have a slightly different perspective on every situation.


'I wish I could remember who said that its not OK to ask God for a bicycle, it seems to be OK to steal a bicycle and ask God to forgive you' - Did you know, that in Islam, it is recommended to ask God about anything and everything you want, worldly or out of the world? The last messenger of God, Muhammad, upon whom the Qur'an was revealed, said: "Ask Allah for everything, even if it is only a shoe-lace, because if Allah does not make it easy, then it will not be possible." Difference no.758423 between any other religion and Islam. And if you know that stealing is bad, its not OK to steal a bike and then ask God to forgive you, unless you actually feel repentant.


'I've always thought it was interesting that Churches usually have incredibly high ceilings because when you think about it, they are specifically designed to make an individual feel small, humble and as insignificant as possible.' - Possibly because God is actually much more grand than you are and it only makes sense that you loose your cockiness when you stand before Him. Mosques technically do not necessarily have to be high-ceilinged (though a lot of famous mosques are known for their architecture and grand designs). The way we show reverence to God is by our actions, by bowing to God in prayer. Which I personally feel is a beautiful gesture. You are bowing to your Creator, Sustainer and the being Who is above and beyond all imagination of our limited minds.


And I thought your theory about 'how people came up with the concept of God' is hilarious. There is just way too many evidences against Islam to originate from a human mind. There is no contradiction between the Quran and established science and of course no contradictions exist in the actual message either. I know Lev was just trying to make it look more ridiculous than it already is, just to make sure the viewer knows that it actually should not be taken seriously. But I'm just putting it out there, just in case some extremely slow person did take it seriously!


17/05/2010


There were a few other things that I wanted to write about, but I really cannot be bothered watching that again right now and making points. I started writing this blog yesterday, when I actually started and finished watching every single Tales of Mere Existence available on YouTube. Now I am passing on the source of amusement to available friends.


Another thing I discovered on YouTube while procrastinating is Cody Simpson. Last week, Smru enlightened me about Justine Beiber. These kids seem innocent enough at first glance, their stories are not very shocking either. But what is disappointing me, is the sort of lyrics they are writing. At 13, Cody is writing about his 'perfect' girl and Justine, at 16, is writing about his 'baby' who needs to 'fix him'. I mean, how can you be broken enough for a girl to be in need of fixing at the age of 16? His first love was at 13, as he explains in the song. Seriously? I thought it was called a 'crush' until you very seriously feel strong positive emotions towards that person. Is it possible to romantically love a person of the opposite sex at 13? Simultaneously, we are seeing girls being sexualised, at an increasing rate, from a younger and younger age. I tried to figure out what the problem with that is and why it doesn't seem 'right'. I mean, everyone has the right to be anything they want, any time they want.. etc etc, right? And kids have always tried to imitate adults. I remember when I used to pretend to have long hair by wrapping clothes around my head and then walk around with mum's shoes. I remember pretending to be pregnant with a cushion under my clothes. I remember cooking with dirt and stones. And talking in 'bhabi' language. 'Bhabi kemon achen? Amader bashay ashenna keno? Ektu kheye jan!' (Excuse the language switching, non-bengali readers!) Then I figured, that the difference between then and now is that all I did was 'pretend' to do things that adults do. But these kids are actually experiencing them! Not within the confines of their own room, but in front of the whole world. This is why they are not 'cute' any more. Cute is something that seems out of place yet brings no harm. They aren't cute. I guess the reason behind this is the normalisation of sexiness and sensualness in the media. This generation is growing up playing video games and watching TV shows that scream out the S's. So, they obviously start to look up to it, and eventually, start to experience it. 


I wish kids would stay kids. At least for a while! Once a boundary is crossed, its impossible to uncross it. I think the power of discovering something new is a great power, and they are losing it with themselves. There's only so many things you can do to feel sensual. Once it runs out, it runs out. There are so many other beautiful things in the world. If everything is taken in slowly, the beauty would never cease to amaze a person. 


Talking about beauty and kids, one kid that is still a kid (obviously, she's only nearly 2) is A. I fell in love with A and her innocent, cute self. She's learning to talk now, and copies anything and everything. I taught her how to say Apu but God knows how long she'll remember it. She was taking bangles out of the rack and trying to put them on me. Then she started knocking the mirror and saying 'knock, knock, knock'. She also gets very happy seeing her own photo, giggles and says 'baby!'. And M, the week old baby, brought tears to my eyes. She's so tiny! And when she cries, its so scary because she stops looking like a human. But her wrinkly skin, sleepy smiles, light grip... everything... is so beautiful! 

This post is way too long to be read.

Journey to Peace

When the world stops spinning around,
Beneath your feet, you can't feel the ground,
And the sky seems darker than night,
To stop a tear, you put a fight
with your heart.
Your hear drums out of its broken cage,
You ask yourself, what is this stage
You're going through?
Is it just you?

The life you knew just fell apart,
You know its a cue for a second start.
Since you don't know when you will depart
Now is the time to mend your heart.

You want your life to be simplified,
So, you look for your soul deep inside -
Its lying in a corner, rugged and torn,
Wishing, only to be reborn.
You pick it up with your bare hands,
Your knees become weak, you cannot stand;
Was that a chance you missed, again?
You can't understand, and you cannot stand this pain
of regret.

You have been down this road before,
You shuffled across these forbidden doors.
Just a little whisper in your head
Covered your eyes till it was all done and said.

The life you knew just fell apart,

You know its a cue for a second start.

Since you don't know when you will depart

Now is the time to mend your heart.

You pick up that book and feel the words;

Everything else seems so absurd!

That hot, wet tear now rolls down your throat -

It relieves your burden, and you 

Float up high

You close your eyes;

This will suffice.

You raise your hands and move your lips,
With a tingle rushing through your tips,
Your heart and head merges into one
In the cold, cold night, you feel the warmth of a morning sun.

Oh how you wish this moment would last
If not forever, until
Your heart beat ends,
And your soul transcends
This body of dust.

The life you knew just fell apart,

You know its a cue for a second start.

Since you don't know when you will depart

Now is the time to mend your heart.

All rights reserved. 

2 minute rhyme - sometime last week

Pour out a bucket of gold,
Let the sun grow old...
Bring out a plate of clouds -
Then the birds would sing loud
And you will experience life,
At six in the afternoon.

From deep inside - 1

I grew up in a pretty religious family. My parents have somewhat 'found' the religion themselves, so they wanted to save us the trouble of seeking. My mum struggled against her family and society to wear the hijab. Even though she lived in a country largely populated by Muslims, people thought that the reason she wanted to cover herself was because she was 'married off'! (it wasn't until a year later that my dad and her found each other...) Then she copped a lot of problem after she married my father, because most of his family were Muslims in the traditional sense, and didn't want to break out of the conventions. This was only a small obstacle of many.

To ease life, my parents decided to bring us up according to what they believe to be true. Every week, we sat down and discussed a little bit from the Qur'an. We kept tracks of how we are going by filling out a grid every night. Among many other practices, we prayed with them, fasted with them and started to dress the way they do. The good that came out of this was that some of these practices became ingrained in us. It is much easier for me to do certain things than someone who has not been brought up this way. Someone told me once - all parents try to bring up their children as best as they can. And I truly believe my parents tried their absolute hardest to give us the best life they possibly could! They are still trying, and they are being very successful. Inside, I am very, very grateful to have them! (even though sometimes my actions prove otherwise...)

But where there is a positive, there is also a negative. I don't know about my siblings innermost thoughts, so I shall just speak for myself. Because I have been brought up in that environment, at some points in my past teen years, I started to hate certain rules. High school shrunk my world. I had a few dangerous combinations in me - a) I did not know much about the religion. b) I still believed that whatever I am told to do regarding the religion, I must do it. c) A rebellious self started to emerge from myself. These contradicting thoughts messed with my mind and drove me to do things. I regret them to a certain degree because they pushed me to lose some of my innocence, but, I am also glad that they happened because they taught me what not to do. Often, I went back and made the same mistakes, but, I've realised, each time, I learnt something different. On top of that, I was surrounded my closed minded teens who thought life was all about clothes, boys and a few other objects. (They did 'objectify' the opposite gender to a great degree!) From year 7 to 12, the basic idea stayed the same. By the end of year 12, people became crazy about getting a good grade so that they can get into a course that led to a high paying job. Boys turned into men, but they were still objectified. I guess most teens in our society go through that 'rebellious' phase. Which can be good in some cases, but in my case, it was a disappointing time. I have been quite ungrateful at certain times and I was not ashamed to express my dislike.

Because of the ingrained guilt of doing something 'bad', I often turned around after a while and felt 'bad' for doing it. But of course, guilt trips do not last long. I guess the first time that I honestly started to look at Islam from a completely different perspective was in year 10. I went to a course (which I have talked about a zillion times in this blog!) that showed me people who visibly, honestly, utterly, believe that Islam is the right way. You can see it in their eyes, you can see it in their actions. And it wasn't just something they knew they 'should' follow, (which is what I have done in the past), something they took to be one of the possibilities, but it was something that they knew to be a fact. The lecturer grew up in a traditional Muslim family, who wasn't very religious until his 2nd year (or was it 1st? 3rd?) of university. He was studying medicine in the best university for medicine in Australia. He left that, left the country to learn Arabic, learnt it, studied and tried to understand the Qur'an. Then he came back and finished his studies at a different university, while caring for his family and working for what he believes to be true.

The course was held by Al Kauthar. (My most recent one was just this weekend. I can feel myself renewing already!)

I was feeling very vulnerable to life's pointlessness at that time of my life. I was stuck in a cycle. I knew the songs, I had the friends, I satisfied my carnal desires as was possible at that age. Then, this life opened up to me. It was as if a window had been opened out of my closed box and into the world! I quit some of those pointless and regretful things. I started studying for my school certificate about a week before the exams. I prayed well, ate well, felt well. I felt like I had no hope in doing well in my exams, but, fortunately, I witnessed a miracle in the results!

My next turning point followed closely. Of course, because I saw the results of my prayer in my life, I started to lean closer to God. I experienced God's words as He told us - "Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you." And really, I still experience it now. And every time I do, I can feel my faith get a little bit stronger. By that time, I also knew that I had gotten in to a selective school for my senior years. Despite liking English, I knew that my vocabulary is very limited, and I wanted a head start into this new and exciting school. So as soon as the holidays came, I started to read To Kill a Mockingbird. Believe me, I found the language in that novel difficult! I also started to read this non-fiction book that my sister had at home - Critical Lives: Muhammad, by Yahiya Emerick. Every day, I sat with my dictionary on my lap, and took turns to read a few pages from each book.

Emerick's book is supposed to be for non-muslims. It goes beyond the spiritual aspects of Muhammad (pbuh)'s life and looks at the logical causes and effects. Soon, I became mesmerised with his life and he began to seem more like a 'person', rather than just a 2D description from an oversimplified text (which is just what I used to read before that...). His life began to make more sense to me.

Now, Islam has 3 major aspects in belief - God, his messenger Muhammad, and the concept of a life after death. By that time, I had instilled the second part of the three in my mind. Like I said, my belief in God became stronger after the 'miracle' in school certificate. I wasn't too worried with the life after death yet. Naturally. I didn't know very much yet.

In my senior years of high school, especially in year 12, my mind became an emotional roller-coaster. I started to edge very close to the boundaries of Islam, then I crossed them, then I rolled very, very far from them, on the other side. In my heart, I often lost sight of where I was going. I was thrown together with these hard working, beautiful, multi skilled girls and I was struggling to keep up. I also discovered that a lot of my friends had alcohol, and having a boyfriend was not uncommon. These things contradicted with what I saw at home. I tried to convince myself to like life, but at times, I simply couldn't. Looking back, I see a lot of words from myself in this blog - words that were trying to convince me to go a certain direction with life.

HSC finished. I started to think about life ahead of me. Results came. I was disappointed.

For the second time in my life, I received a score from a set of tests that were unknown to everyone and which will remain unknown. Yet, I think this was the first time I really understood its implications. During HSC, I honestly felt like I couldn't 'see' life after the holidays. I didn't know what was coming. I knew something was, but I didn't know 'what'. This fact hit me hard. I finally began to understand a little bit of what 'life after death' means. We can't imagine it now, yet, its a fact. Whether you deny it or not, it'll happen anyway.

I also realised that life is much harder to live when it isn't lived absolutely personally. As soon as you introduce another person, or a few more people, who you know might have huge impacts on your future, even the next generation, you start to feel responsible. You feel like you have to veer them to 'what should be done' because it'll benefit the people around you later in life. Consequences become much more real, and you feel like you have to be an example to that person, or those people.

Then, when something huge happens, you realise that life is a roller coaster. Anything can happen at any time. A decision that you have been thinking of taking for a very long time can be dissolved in a matter of a few minutes. Confusion can turn into tears. What you thought was permanent starts to seem like it never existed after a few modifications.

Then I felt these verses in my life:

‘Whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him in a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees.’ (65:2-3)

'It may well be that you hate a think which is good for you, and love a thing although it is bad for you. God knows, whereas you do not know.' (2:216)

'God does not change a people's condition unless they first change what is in their hearts.' (13:11)

I took a few steps. Some steps were thrust upon me. Yet some of those steps allowed me to happily take a few more steps. I've learnt to regret less, so, I'm grateful that they happened! I am grateful that my parents brought me up in a strict manner, I am grateful that I got sick of it, I am grateful that my life took twists and turns. I think I see life a lot clearer than I ever did.