Blunders

When I veer away from the path towards my destination, knowingly, that's when my mind is at its lowest point. That's when my heart breaks in two. That's when I tune out of my rationality and turn up my sensations, so that I feel the thud of my shoes on the footpath harder than usual, so that the screech of a bird high above me rings in my ear, so that the tires of the cars driving past seem a little too loud. Because, I know, as soon as I tune back into my thoughts, my mind would curse me. My brain would tell my heart off for being so weak. I have no excuses for being so reckless with myself, except that I am human.

The other reason why I avoid rational thoughts during those times is because the rational side of me will make me feel very guilty for being so selfish. The world is in a turmoil, people are being killed as a result of injustice every single day. And there are several actions that I can take. There are several projects that I have gotten involved in, and several more that I intend to get involved in. These things are things that we should do as lucky citizens of the world, they are nothing extra that we should be congratulated for. In other words, its our duty to do as much as we can as fellow human beings because we are so much luckier than them in terms of worldly resources. So, when my mind is a mess, I avoid the world, and in turn, my mind hates the mess that it is in.

Nothing is the end of the world, until you die. But, one must remember that the last breath can come at any moment. So, the time to pick yourself up is now. The time to replace a bad with a good is now. Move forward, even if you don't want to, the past will fix itself up if the damage is light. The more damage that is done, the more fixing it'll take. So, you need to start fixing at a time when the damage is minimal, or as minimal as can be. The thing to learn from sins is that its a good reminder that you are not above anyone or anything. What you consider to be horrible that is done by someone, you can fall into it too.  It is only by the grace of God that you are saved. So, be thankful for that grace and use it!

In other news, I bought "A Room with a View" today. It's turning out to be a funny novel. I also had a mocha in a huge cup from a new coffee shop and wrote pages after pages in a brand new notebook. Why is that so therapeutic for me? I do not need retail therapy, I need notebook in a cafe therapy. Now that I have had my therapy and self-talk, I feel much better. I shall depart now. :)

Advice to future self

You can't be perfect, but strive for perfection in some things anyway. Strive for perfection in the things that matter, and the only things that matter are the things that will count towards Jannah. With the things that don't matter - don't get too bogged down if you can't get something perfect. Make sure there is at least one well wisher in this world who knows what you are up to. Secrets are dangerous for developing your perception. Try to achieve a balance in your emotions and exercise your intellect. Keep the end goal in sight and know, that everything you do, everywhere you go, every happiness you feel - it is all from Allah. 

What's been happenin' in there

I've been wanting to write for a while, but haven't found the time or the words. I suppose, I haven't found the inspiration either. Why did I write here all that time? I began writing with a few others, then I moved on to writing for one of or two people. Then, I've just been writing for myself. I mentioned that there isn't much I have to hide, hence, all can be out in the open in this space, just in case I turn out to be some kinda psycho and I can't see it myself but someone else can. But, in the past year or so, I am not sure whether I have fulfilled that purpose either. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but they take too long to process and write, all in one place. So, I have been writing here and there. Some were in personal diaries, some to friends. And, alhamdulillah, I think I've figured a lot of it out. I think I have changed a lot too, in this past year. Another reason that I wrote here is so that I would be able to know myself when I go back and read. I don't think that's so true any more. I can't read what I wrote two years ago and figure out the present. But that's okay, because the present is mostly figured out nowadays, and that's all that matters regarding myself.

I have a huge day planner for the year. I try to write a list of things to do every day, and make a rough schedule of how my day will go. It's working, more or less. I think I have trouble keeping balance between how much time I spend in my head, and how much time I spend "doing" things. I definitely prefer one over the other, but at different times. I am not entirely sure if its possible to do so at any one time. But its definitely better than being overwhelmed with the thousand things in my head.

"Careful now, with my head.
I said, careful now, what you do with my head.
Make your mind up,
Make your little mind up.
To each is his own,
each is her own."

Reminder

"Three things will benefit a person after they pass away: Knowledge that they leave behind that people benefit from, a continuing charity (sadaqah jaariyah), and a righteous child that will seek forgiveness for their parents."

The Prophet (SAW) explains what constitutes as sadaqah jariyah in another hadith: "A slave of Allah will continue to get rewarded for seven things after they are deceased and in their graves: 1- Whoever taught knowledge. 2- Facilitated a pathway for water 3- Built a well 4- Planted a tree 5- Built a Masjid 6- Gave a copy of the Quran 7- Left a child behind that will seek forgiveness for them after their death." (Sahih Al-Jami' 3602)

The usuals... and Z!

I love going through my old posts and picking up little wisdoms. We all have certain strengths and weaknesses, and they stay fairly similar throughout our lives. We can have personal growths and change those, but in general, whatever one person struggles with, they will always somewhat struggle with it. For example, I generally consider boundaries to be arbitrary. So, due dates are arbitrary and "mess" isn't bothersome. So, time management and being organised are amongst my biggest struggles. But, I have taken steps, over and over again, to change those traits in me. And they've worked! The trick is to keep at it. So, I like going through my own writing because it shows me how I've dealt with my difficulties in the past. When Allah gives us a test, He also gives us tools to pass it. Sometimes, I forget what tools I have, or how to use them. So, it helps to remind myself how I've done it before.

One thing that is currently bothering me is that I am running away from one particular piece of work. Its a very tiny bit of work, but every time I think about it, I feel stressed out. Reason is, I ran away from it for so long that now I don't even want to face the person for whom I need to do this. And I literally have no excuses. I can come up with a few I suppose, but I hate it when people blow excuses out of proportion, and I hate doing things that I hate in other people. (I just remembered a few other things that I have to do that are of similar nature... sigh.) So, more than the work, what is bothering me is the fact that I am annoying those people with my lack of action. So, I am procrastinating from it even more, which makes no sense.

I have been very obsessed with Myers-Brigg personality types. I've read up on them so much that now I love guessing people's types, because I generally get them right. They are useful because they let you understand people a little more. But, it stops being useful when you start giving excuses for shortcomings and do nothing about them. First step for fixing anything up is recognition, but you need to make sure you move onto the second step as soon as possible.

Little Z is growing up quite fast. Now she tries to crawl. I'm watching her try very hard to get to a block that she threw a little too far, but she just can't herself off her bottom! So she's rocking back and forth and moving her arms and legs, as if she's willing the block to come to her... lol. I remember her as the tiny thing wrapped in a blanket who just needed a little bit of humming and patting to fall asleep. I remember watching her sleep and wishing she'd wake up so I could play with her. Now, she loves playing so much that she doesn't want to fall asleep! I love singing meaningless songs and dancing around with her in my arms. I love taking her out on an impulse. I love having little relaxing sessions in the backyard, with our pillows and nasheeds, and the blue sky and a soft breeze. I love the way she trusts me to catch her when I throw her up in the air. I love the way she knows she's safe when she's in my arms, so if she's crying, I can pick her up and comfort her. May Allah keep her safe, both in this world and in the next.

OKAY. Time to go and make one of those lists.

So I have strung up several words together for little Z over the past (nearly) 8 months. I shall record them in this post when I remember them, just so that she can grow up and see how awesome her khammi is.

You are my drum, drum, drum
You are my guitar
And I can strum
you all day long.

Will you be my sweety pie?
Be my honey bee?
Will you be my butterfly?
Little Zainabee.

Oh Allah, don't let little Zain
feel the pain
of the world being ripped from her heart
Don't let her ever, ever be apart
from You.

Can you see me looking at you across the room?
Can you here me calling out your name?
Can you feel me loving you so much, little Zee,
When you grow up, will you feel the same?

Welles

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop the story."

Lemonade

January hasn't been a great month so far. I have been quite short tempered with the people I love, confused about a whole lot of things and annoyed with myself. I think one of the reasons is that I have not been working towards any particular goals. My inconsistency gets in the way of achieving a lot of things I want to achieve, but I often do have a fairly good idea of what I want to achieve, and start off on their paths with a great deal of enthusiasm. This month, I have not taken any initiative to do anything productive and constructive. When you aren't being constructive, you become destructive.

So, what do you do? You make lemonade with the bunch of lemons you currently have.

Relief

Ma's coming back today. One overriding feeling I am having, surprisingly, is relief. Yes, I missed her and love her, but right now, I am relieved that she will be back to take her responsibility back. I have not exactly been looking after the house or the family in her absence. We sort of have this system of each-man-for-his-own when she isn't here. I say "sort of", because, every now and then, one of us gets inspired to do something epic and make ourselves a family again. Either way, for the past month, I have had to cook, clean and look after little Z more than I have before that. When she is at home, she does not like it when I am not home much, but this time, even when she wasn't, I could not leave home too frequently because of those reasons. I actually miss uni now. 

Pi, Love and God

A and I have been wanting to watch Life of Pi for a while. But our own lives kept getting in the way, until we finally got a chance yesterday. She paid a ridiculous amount to get us two tickets, two 3D glasses and a large drink (now I remember why I download movies). 3D glasses were a good investment though - some of the trailers looked quite interesting! Except, I don't have a whole lot of money, so I might need to convince some rich friend to take me. :P

I loved several concepts in the film. Pi was getting bullied at school for his name, so he did something about it, and made sure it was pretty damn creative! And then there was his honesty with finding God. When he knew what the church said about Jesus, he said something like, it made no sense for God to send His innocent son to take away the sins of the people who actually committed a crime, but the more I got to know this son, the more I loved him. It perfectly portrays how I feel about the concept as I know it to be. Flawed logic, but the character of Jesus is very loveable. I also liked what his father said about faith - he said he would prefer Pi to follow something he did not approve of, given that Pi chooses the path himself. Following 3 religions at once is like following none at all. The first tool to use is reason, then he can choose a path, instead of following something blindly. I liked that concept because a lot of people categorise all religions under the one banner, which leads to meshing of concepts within them, even if they are contradictory to each other. It is also encouraged from the idea that we must accept all people as they are. But its important to remember that accepting a person is different from accepting a "concept".

When he was getting away from the floating island, he said something that struck me hard. I tried to find the quote and failed, so lets just go with my memory. He said something about God's plan being greater. Even when it seems that there is no hope, it is actually for the best, and you don't see it until much later. When he became exhausted from travelling, God gave him rest, then showed him the way. And he was thankful for it. This concept is something that is ingrained in us as Muslims. As we travel through life, we face storms that make us think we can't get through, then we try our best, as well as pray to be saved from it. We know, in our hearts, that everything happens for the best. And with hardship, comes ease. And that everything is supposed to make us grateful servants of God.

I also loved the concept of having two different choices of a story. You can look at one situation in many different ways, its just about your perspective which can show you or hide from you God's part in it. The cinematography was great right from the beginning, music was chosen well. It really does remind you of the colours of life and the depth of its discovery. It's one of those films that I would not mind watching again. I actually want to read the book. I have a feeling the author did a great job of allowing us to explore our imagination.

In other news, I have also been watching White Collars. My friend lent it to me on a USB, which was not a good idea, because, at least when something is on the internet, it takes time to load, after which, you often don't feel like watching it. (Actually, that's a lie. I would still watch it.) I finished the first season, and while there were several things I didn't like about it, like, horrible acting from some characters, I loved the plot of most episodes. Its the story of a top notch fraud criminal turning into a consultant for the FBI agent (Peter) who catches him. (Reminded me about Catch Me If You Can - one of my favourite movies!) The season shows a great relationship between Peter and his wife, Elizabeth. They are very secure about each other, they have fun, share their interests and make time for each other, even though they have been married for 10 years. Anyway, in the whole season, the main character was trying to find a girl that he loves. And in the end, when he did find her, he asks Elizabeth how she knew Peter was the one. She said, "I think there is a difference between loving the idea of someone and loving who they really are."

Its a pity that life is often filled with people who are just "ideas" to us. How do you really know who someone is, until you take that leap of faith? Or do you not take a leap of faith before you are really sure about who the person is? But then, how can you ever be sure?

I don't think we can ever be sure. That's why, there is a concept in Islam called Tawaqqul - reliance on God. You try your best in something, then you rely on Him for results, and you believe with every bit of certainty that whatever the result is, it is best for you. I get scared about the first part - trying my best. I have tried my absolute best in very few occasions, because I am terrified of getting hurt by failure. At least when you don't try and fail, it doesn't hurt much. But I know how ridiculous this thought process is. If you continue to think in such a way your entire life, you will never try in anything, then get to the end of it and realise how short that time was and how much you've potentially missed out on.

Little Z is growing up, and as she grows, I can feel my love for her in my heart. She does many things that would annoy the heck out of me if it was any other baby - like sucking on my phone till drool seeps out of it long after she leaves it alone, crying for reasons that are unknown to me, pooping when I am about to take her out, scratching and punching me with such surprising force for such tiny nails and limbs. But I still love her. And I can imagine how much more A loves her. And God loves His creation more than a mother loves her child. So, even if we think we've screwed up our lives pretty badly, we just need to have hope in Him and keep asking Him to show us better days, for what we need and want.

“If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?”

I can steal back mine

I like unpredictability, to a certain extent. I like waking up in the morning and finding out that its raining on a day I can afford to stay in bed all day. I like watching the ironies of life take place one after another, as an outsider. And when I was younger, I used to love unpredictable people. I could not imagine living with one person for the rest of my life because after a while, the novelty would wear off, and the person would become predictable. But, as I grew, I realised unpredictable people make me nauseous. I suppose its sort of like riding on a rollercoaster. It thrills you for a little while, but you don't want to be riding one for the rest of your life.

They make me nauseous and annoy the living daylight out of me. Which is why, I am incredibly and increasingly annoyed at myself for slowly turning into one of them. I have always hated it when people stop returning phone calls, are absent for meetings, take up a commitment then don't fulfil it properly. I hate unreliable people. For a very long time, I tried my utmost to keep up my commitments with people, even if my own life is falling apart (in my mind, mostly), because it was no one else's business. I hated giving excuses, because in essence, excuses are just those - excuses. If I was feeling sluggish, a good load of commitments would pick me right up and back into business. I hate the fact that this isn't happening any more.

So, for the past few days, I have been attempting to do what I do best - diagnose my own problem and fix it. Make a list and get to it. Drink coffee. But, annoyingly, things aren't getting fixed. Instead, my to-do list is getting longer, my mind is turning into a bigger mess than it was. When my friends ask what the heck is going on, I cannot tell them anything because I am not exactly sure myself.

I think its just that I keep forgetting that life is fair. I keep looking at the world through a selfish person's eyes and thinking its okay. I keep forgetting that life is no big deal, but its something that I have to deal with. Running away from a to-do list doesn't make it disappear.

I should go through my blog and tag posts as "inspirational" from times when I feel inspired by something. I could use some now.

"Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me."

Miles of clouded hell

Everyone has a different definition of "rock bottom". They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. But what if your definition changes? What if you dig the ground at the bottom of the ocean and bury yourself? What if you keep going until you reach the core and burn yourself to nothingness? Well, I suppose the worst thing would be if you never realised that you hit it, and you kept digging the hole. If you kept digging it until you have no more breath left.

I just hate the thought of picking myself up afterwards. The swim back is so much harder than the straight fall. And it reminds me that, if I never fell down here, I probably could be flying towards infinity right now. The worst emotion to feel is regret, and that is an overriding feeling while you swim back. It makes it so much harder.

I know that if I didn't make mistakes, I would not be human. I would be one of those women with their hair up in a tight bun and a stick up their backside. I would have a heart in which tears wouldn't enter, just roll over. But it makes me wonder, is anything different now? Even after making mistakes, am I a better person?

When you want to do things the right way, life gets harder and harder, and it will keep getting harder. Struggle is the only way forward, if eternal happiness is what you want. And you will be fooling yourself if you think you don't want that.

Life is actually very fair.

"It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes."

2013

Its funny how its the first day of the year, a bright and sunny day, and I feel like doing absolutely nothing besides sleeping. I found this in a text I sent ages ago:

"Its a song about running away from life into an alternate reality. It's funny how you can take an idea as vague as that, change the intensity and apply to anyone's life."

I realised I say "its funny how" a lot.

Time to get a coffee and smash that to-do list.

Fleeting

We fear risks because risks are just those - risks. You jump without knowing whether the surface will be soft enough to break your fall. You leap without knowing what is in front of you. It can be something amazing, yes. It can bring new insights to life, yes. But it can also disorient you with all that height. That is why we prefer the status quo. 

The tidal wave

Somewhere in the middle, this blog was the place to vent. I could say anything I wanted, as long as I kept it vague enough for most of my readers to never figure things out. Venting is okay as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and I never did hurt anyone through my words from here. But I fear things have changed. Or maybe this is just my headache and all other bodily pains talking.

"My hope is a tidal wave, and your home was a great escape."

"What is it to grow old?
...
It is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young."

One of my favourite poems is Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

"...Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day..."

Every person is for themselves.

Demons

(By: Imagine Dragons)

When your dreams all fail,
And the ones we hail are the worst of all,
And the blood's run stale -

I want to hide the truth.
I want to shelter you.
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide.

No matter what we breed,
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom, come.

This is my kingdom, come.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Don't get too close,
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Sarah Kay - And found

I am a god of drawers left open.

Its easy to catch me in the act of searching -
My keys,
Myself.

Aah - don't sit there - you might knock over the pile of confidence I took all day to stack.
I promise to tidy up before company arrives
Wouldn't want my socks and daydreams all over the carpet.
I know where most things are
But give me enough time and I can lose anything.
I have had enough practice at sliding things under the bed
when no one is watching.
And I know -
You are always in the last place I look. 

Having that bubble burst

I really like this song. Brick by boring brick by Paramore.

--

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind

It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out

But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true

You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle

With a purpose - 1

So, as you know, a whole bunch of things happened in my life this year. Nothing as dramatic as deaths or marriages, but I have had a serious car accident and have seen the formation of a few couples. I have also been exposed to new ideas and controversies, which I shan't talk about clearly until I am clear myself. But as always, I shall talk about my thought process. The most important thing I learnt from this year is that it is extremely important to know the purpose of your existence. Once you know your purpose, everything else comes under its huge umbrella and it becomes much easier to sort what comes in and leaves your life. The purpose of your existence comes from the way you view the world.

The way I view the world comes from my understanding of the Quran. So, this world, to me, is a test. Each of us are here for a number of years, in which we are required to make several decisions. After death, we will be judged on the decisions we made. We will be judged by God, who is the most merciful, the most loving, but is also fair and is the sole owner of all power. Each of us are individuals and equals in His eyes. He will reward us or punish us according to the choices we make in this world. You can only make a choice about something you know about. So, we need to try our best to learn, then make decisions based on what we know. Following anything blindly does not do justice to our intellect. However, getting caught up with too many options may mean that there is no fruition of your knowledge. So, there needs to be a balance between gaining knowledge and implementing them.

(Sort of an) update

I haven't written here for a very long time. Since I last wrote, my exams have finished. Since I last "properly" updated, I quit ABA therapy, one of my friends had a kid, little Z rolled over for the first time, I realised that gym is actually helpful, I began to think about the world and realised how untrustworthy the system is. There must've been a whole lot of other things that has happened, but they happened so fast that I haven't had the chance to sit down and contemplate. I'm beginning to think I quite like this state - the state of "doing" rather than "thinking". I mean, sometimes, "thinking" is "doing", in which case, I would like to "think" as well, but most of this blog is about "thinking" about the second sort of "thinking", which isn't really helpful.

I seemed to have started several posts over the past month. These were in my draft:

12/11 - Nuisances

- Constantly feeling like I must be politically correct.
- Being old and directionless.
- Procrastination.

17/11 - (untitled)

I am beginning to realise the world is more complicated than it seems.

23/11 - My understanding of reality

(no content)

26/11 - (untitled)


You were walking on a path with flowers on a sunny day
everything was okay


26/11 - (untitled)

Its a funny thing, to be human.

1/12 - (untitled)


I had a very interesting year this year, possibly the most interesting year of my life. I faced tests that I have not faced before, learnt new things and (apparently) changed as a person. I have a feeling this is how its going to be for a very long time. Once you learn to accept

- being aware of the world
- different personalities
- all creation of God - test/blessing
- every moment is a test
- life is so short + unpredictable
- outcome of a situation is not up to us, the preparation + the reaction is.
- ^leads to a whole range of emotions -- don't push it down. deal with it.
- believer - a mirror for another believer
- when someone has an opinion about you - evaluate it. take it on board if its valid (be truthful with yourself. cut down on the ego). if you don't think it is, tell them why etc etc. best - consensus.
- priorities

---

So yes, it seems like I had a lot to say, but I must've felt overwhelmed every time I began writing, so I stopped. In fact, this is beginning to overwhelm me again (and I remembered how many chores I have left). So I shall stop.