How I feel right now

Journeys and belonging, and all that shiz

We went on a coffee date today. He said he notices my face more now. Then I went to a bookshop and picked out two books and asked him whether I can have them as a (very early) birthday present and he said yes. I am trying to return to my state of no (or, low) expectations and learning to appreciate everything and it feels excellent. The trouble with me is, I naturally expect everyone else around me or everyone close to me to be on the same page or at least on board with whatever I am doing. The result is that I either push people away or be disappointed. But that is a terribly unhealthy place to be at. I need to accept that I might be at a different place to everyone else, and I inevitably will be, and I just need to go on with life the way I feel is best. Life is short and no one else will be there with me when I die. Why wait on others?

I got my hen's party scrapbook the other day from NC. I'm pretty sure I've talked about Miffy before - she is an amazing person that I look up to a lot. She doesn't wait on others to get things done or get her off her backside, when she wants to do something, she does it. She didn't go through university and she doesn't let it bother her or interrupt her from advancing through her projects, which is pretty unusual for a girl from a sub-continental background, amongst whom the idea that 'secular studies = success' is ingrained. She has a project called Muslim Life Hackers, which has about 5000 likes on Facebook. So, Miffy said that she was inspired to start because her and I were talking about this blog of mine a long time ago, and when she asked me whether I felt any inhibition putting myself out there on here, running the risk of my personal stuff being read by people from my professional life, apparently I said, "who cares?". To know that those two words inspired her, inspires me. I have become a lot more inhibited lately and I plan to come out of it soon.

I guess the inhibition comes from being in a new kind of environment where everyone else is pretty much inhibited, i.e: being in the adult world. I don't like the terms 'adult' and 'child' separating two worlds though. Why can't I be uninhibited, innocent and creative while moving through the different stages of my life? Why do I have to "grow up" the way society wants me to, and enter my grave in a state of dissatisfaction? Also, how do I know that I will die at eighty or so? What if I die tomorrow? What good would being inhibited do me? Nothing.

I love that Mr. H is supporting me in this journey to become more of the better parts of who I used to be. But, even if he stops at any point, I should still keep going. We are all individuals.

Domesticity

I wrote a few lines of poetry after a very long time, yesterday. I almost forgot that I used to write. I almost can't remember what it was like to not let real life get in the way of myself (not that this is a good thing, but its usually the more attractive option). I was inspired by a friend who also writes.

Cut through me, all the way to my essence.
Spoon out some love from its jar,
Compassion and passion
Pour them into the hole you made.
Do not alarm yourself if a couple of tears and
A few drops of blood and sweat
Drip onto your hands.
They'll tell you
I'm alive.

Most of my poetry have a particular reason behind them, and only I know the reason. For example, I had a fight with my mum and wrote the one that started with 'stuck in a stalemate' about five years ago. I didn't write down the reason behind it anywhere, but I still remembered imageries from the poem. I can't even remember what the fight was about, but I remember the feeling and the pictures that formed in my mind. 

Right now, I am sipping on a tea in front of the fan while writing. The tea packet claims that it 'will have you feeling absolutely peachy. The peachy feeling you get from recharging in the sun while the world is on mute. Except for the radio, which appears to be playing your favourite song'. I'm not listening to the radio right now, but how is the description so perfect? That is exactly how I was feeling when I got the tea and started to write, with the world on mute and all.

Our stove isn't working. The car has a massive scratch, due to me, which is getting rusted right now. The house has ants here and there, not exactly sure why. I still have at least three years to finish studying. The milk and bread went off sometime between two days ago and this morning. There is a pile of clothes to wash, plates and cups to rearrange and furniture to dust. 

Every turn a surprise

I used to be a person with a huge personal space. I was a bit of a keyboard warrior, a bit of a keyboard counsellor and a bit a of an escapist (I still am a bit of an escapist I think :/...). But sharing a space with another person, almost constantly, almost everyday reduces that need for such a big personal space. I still like having a coffee by myself every now and then, but I don't feel as much of a need for it as I did before. I don't write as much, instead, we talk. We have a shared to-do list on a whiteboard at the back of our door. I tell him about my ridiculous nightmares and he listens. He tells me about his work and I get excited for him (even though he says its boring, but I can see he loves it). We daydream together. He accidentally says terribly romantic things, like, 'You have beautiful eyes', or, 'I am lucky to have you as my wife'. I accidentally used his toothbrush a few times, and didn't feel grossed out. His favourite song is 'a whole new world' from Aladdin. He sings it for me sometimes, and I feel like he is right. He is showing me the world. I don't think I completely understand him yet and I don't think he completely understands me yet but that's the fun part of planning to be together for the rest of your lives - you understand each other a little more everyday.

Baba

I think I have began to appreciate Baba more after getting married. I have always admired, respected and loved him; when I was little, I used to think he was the best person in the entire world - the one with the cleanest heart. He doesn't complain, lives with hope and enjoys both the company of others and his own. I still love watching his face as he explains things from the Quran. When he reads, he bobs his head involuntarily. We grew up hearing wives complain about how their husbands pick on their cooking, but never saw one such example at home. We grew up hearing that our friends are afraid of their dad's, but could never relate to it. Whenever something heavy needed to be lifted, or a cockroach needed to be killed, Baba was there. He showed us who real men are - strong, brave, wise and comforting. 

Another friend of Mr H got married yesterday. Saw lots of old friends at that wedding and met a few new people too. Mr H and my crowd had always been different, hence I was met with a lot of new culture since I got married. This friend comes from a crowd that's a little different to both of ours, hence, we were both met with a new wave of cultural differences. Interestingly, all of us are of Muslims with Bengali-Australian background. Differences automatically leads to forming (mostly negative?) judgement, which is terrible. There should be one measuring stick, right and wrong by God's definition. If something is wrong according to it, we should stay away from it in any form possible, and if it is right, we should accept it, even if it doesn't seem familiar to us.

I found this amazing acapella artist - she has the most beautiful voice, and does the backing track so simply but beautifully! I think I will listen to her for the next few days at least. My room had been terribly messy for the last few days, it is a little cleaner now, but the floor needs to be vaccumed. I have a to-do list that consists of about 6-7 things that seem annoying at the moment, but I am sure I would feel excellent after I do them. Writing here wasn't a part of it. -.-

Feeling excited :)

I have been thinking about homeschooling during the primary years. The idea of raising children with ideas that aren't filtered through the secular schooling system, allowing them to be independent about the things that they want to learn about instead of streamlining their interests, teaching them bangla and arabic at the same time, as well as quran memorisation, as well as letting them part-take in any sports they want, and other community projects - seems like a very lucrative idea. Once they are a bit more strong in their deen inshaallah, they can go to a public high school with a relatively good environment. The high schools that I went to were pretty good, alhamdulillah. What would be even more awesome is if they could somehow do full time hifdh for 2-3 days a week, and I could work as a counsellor at some school.

If everything goes my way, in the next five years, I can finish studying - including finishing my psych degree, counselling degree and teaching degree. And I can finish learning arabic and a bit of Quran.

Mr H and some of his friends are in on the plan of homeschooling. They want to build a community like the ones NAK suggests and are working towards it. I'm excited to see what comes about in the next ten years!

Life isn't perfect, but we have to push through!

Hi :)

I haven't written in here for so long! July 12th - that's more than a month ago. Time flew pretty quick for a while. I'm not doing much these days - no work, no uni - so time is supposed to fly slower. I am trying to get some other things done though - things I haven't had time for before and probably will not have much time for from next semester. However, I have spent my spare time watching Offspring, instead of doing those things, and eating things like cookies and 2-min noodles. Not the most productive way to spend what is possibly the free-est time of my life. Also, I have been writing a song, to which Sum said, 'it doesn't have your usual flair'. I was thinking, 'what flair?!', but I just casually typed, 'oh really?'. It makes me happy to think that Sum thinks I usually have a 'flair' in writing.

I like spending time at my parents' now. I think I appreciate them more now that I don't live with them, but that's what everyone else said would happen, right? Except, you just don't realise it actually happens until you go through it yourself. You don't realise what a lot of things are actually like, unless you experience it yourself. One thing that is terribly annoying is the way grown men and women yield to social pressure. I kind of give excuses for myself, saying, I am only twenty-three, I am only recently married, I am only new etcetra. But I am not sure whether they started off by giving the exact same excuses and just never stopped.

I sometimes feel like I cannot remember what I used to think and feel four months ago. The whole point of writing is that I can come back later and read them and re-feel and re-think those feelings and thoughts. I really need to sit down and do that someday soon.

Mr H got me a new phone for Eid, but I haven't started using it yet due to a huge funny mess surrounding it. The mess is being sorted now, I think. I need to start using it soon. Mr H's birthday is coming up. I am writing him a song and giving him a box full of gifts inshaallah. I got a card for him that says 'You are my cup of tea'. I hope he likes it.

I don't particularly like gold jewellery. Maybe I should try wearing some of my old stuff every now and then. EF was so proud that I am becoming feminine now! :P

I think Ma just came home from work.

Annoying things

- Racism
- Nationalism
- Oblivion
- Psychopathy
- Mainstream media
- Hypocrisy

Ramadan :)

It's Ramadan again!

There are so many reasons to love Ramadan:
- An opportunity to have ALL of your sins forgiven.
- An opportunity for dua to be accepted - any dua!
- An opportunity to gain an a load of rewards.

Basically, it's an opportunity to start over. And if you think something is impossible, know that for Allah, nothing is impossible. And everything in life is a test (even the ones that might seem like a blessing). One way to keep cool while you are hungry, thirsty and things aren't going as planned - is to be grateful for the blessings that Allah has given you. Mentally list them, and thank Allah for every single one.

There are times when it seems like everyone is out to piss you off, like that is their sole purpose. Just, imagine Jannah, the place you will get if you hold on, just a little more.

Pretend cafe

There's something therapeutic about writing a philosophy essay in the middle of the night, while listening to songs that you like, while sitting in the middle of a room filled with only your mess, while contemplating whether you should go get another cup of tea. It feels like you have endless time on your hands, no expectations or obligations to attend to. It feels like sitting in a cafe and writing.

There are several things about my mother that I am not completely able to appreciate. But with new experiences, I am able to appreciate a few of those things. My mother is very 'herself'. She always wore whatever she wanted, not caring about whether it was 'in' or not. She leads a life where she makes sure every single day is productive. And one thing she told me once, that I keep forgetting, but shouldn't, is: No matter what happens, I should not hesitate or feel too ashamed to come back to Allah and get back on my feet.

There are several levels of 'losing' yourself. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you've lost yourself in some ways. It's good for you, even. But, if you lose all of yourself, you're in trouble.

I should probably go get that cup of tea and come back and write. 

Humans of New York

“My parents were always fighting. They weren’t very supportive. I used to be bitter about it. I was caught up on how my life could have been different if I had better parents. How things would have been different if x, y, and z had happened. But then you get older and you realize maybe they didn’t have the capacity to give you what you needed. They couldn’t understand you, just like you couldn’t understand them. You realize they were dealing with their own disappointments. And you even start to think, ‘Maybe I could have been a better son.’”

"We're eye doctors."
"What's something about the eye that most people don't realize?"
"The eye doesn't see. The brain sees. The eye just transmits. So what we see isn't only determined by what comes through the eyes. What we see is affected by our memories, our feelings, and by what we've seen before."

"Through it all, we have all become much more compassionate souls. The depression taught me a valuable lesson: Who knows what battle people are facing everyday that is unseen? Embrace every present moment! You never know when your perfect life will drastically and instantly change. We had a perfect life until we didn’t. (A 30-second phone call with the confirmed cancer diagnosis came soon after we built and moved into our "dream home".)"

"I've got a wife and three kids, and a job I'm trying to hold on to. It's a lot of work and it's a lot to worry about, so it's easy to fall into a routine where all I'm doing is worrying about the next moment. In the midst of all this, sometimes I have to force myself to step back and appreciate the wonderful things that have already happened: one of my children is a budding artist, the other is beautifully kind, and the other is full of energy and potential. And they're all happy. And they're all healthy."

"I tend to be cynical about a lot of things, but Maya Angelou is somebody that no matter how much I pick her apart, she still has integrity. She was a victim of incest and rape, and she worked as a stripper. And now she’s a literary icon and Nobel Laureate. It goes to show that life is cumulative, and you can’t devalue any type of experience."

"People confuse the source of their happiness. They become temporarily happy when they get a new car, or a new house, or a new marriage. And they think that they are suddenly happy because of this new thing in their life. In reality, they are happy because for a brief moment, they are without desire. But then soon another desire comes along. And the search continues."

Judgementalness

If you are always around similar kinds of people, people who share similar ideas about the world - there's a huge chance that your world would become tiny. And then when you meet people that are very different, you start to think they are 'not of us' and that's when things become problematic. If we improve our communication and at least attempt to speak the same language, no one would be 'not of us'.

Time management

The busier life gets, the more I am understanding the importance of managing time well. I can't say that I have been putting every moment to use, hence, I know that I am not overcommitted at the moment, I am just the same old disorganised person that I always have been. Being disorganised is generally fine when you are a single university student - your life consists of uni work, friends, a bit of family, social work and maybe a part time job to pay for the minimal expenses and coffees. You can stay up till 2 AM watching TV shows, then get a coffee in the morning and finish off that assignment that's due at midnight. But this does not work when the main focus in your life is no longer you.

Possible steps of better time management:
- Keep your calendar updated with every commitment.
- Dua
- Make sure the minimum faraids are going okay, otherwise, everything else you do will be futile.
- To do list every morning

Introducing Mr H

Marriage is an interesting experience. If you are lucky and blessed, you marry your best friend, or you find a new best friend in your spouse. There are absolutely no secrets or barrier, but at the same time, you remember that the person you are married to is an individual, hence, your thought processes are not always going to be at sync. So, the way you may perceive or process something might be entirely different to the way your spouse does it. On top of that, the way you share your space with this person is very different to anyone else. Hence, it is very easy for your spouse to pick up on your weaknesses. Which means its very easy to be your truest self, the most vulnerable you have ever been. Which also means that if you have married the right person, you will eventually learn to help each other work through weaknesses and bring out the best in each other.

I feel quite lucky and blessed about Mr H. (He does not watch this space though, so I can praise him as much as I want without giving him a huge head. :P)

Moments

I have looked forward to this moment for a very long time. And now that it's finally here, my brain and my insides seem to have turned into one huge ball of mush - unable to separate one feeling from another. There are moments where I feel like rewinding all of it and returning to the life I lived before, but, it's silly to not appreciate blessings when they're here already. When you are out in the sun, don't think about the clouds that are forecasted for tomorrow. Soak up the sun with your eyes closed and be grateful that He allowed you to experience that moment.

Worrying puts us in a cage, and the more we worry, the smaller the cage gets, until we suffocate. The concept of Tawakkulullah - trust in Allah - is something that never ceases to amaze me. We might find it hard to trust others entirely, and rightly so - letting another person clench your heart in their fist gives them the power to crush it, maybe involuntarily. But letting your heart be filled with the trust of Allah can allow you to let others hold your heart, without letting them clench it tight.

Sometimes, the worry stems from regret - regret of our own past actions. But it's important to remember that once something has been repented for, it's as if that never happened.

Live in the moment. In this moment. 

5 before 5

The Prophet (saw) advised to: “Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death”(Narrated by Ibn Abbas and reported by Al Hakim)

Reminder

Currently, I am utterly in love with (or possibly just obsessed with) this song called Riptide. I found a great acapella and I cannot stop listening to it. It's a clean sound, with a soothing voice which does not go out of tune at all and lovely words. The song is open to interpretation, but the way I see it, it's about a boy who had low self esteem and was filled with fears, but falls head over heels in love with a girl and loses his fears. Then, the girl begins to lose herself and he knows things are going down in a hateful direction, but there's nothing he can do.

I heard somewhere, that when a person commits a sin, at that moment, that person stops being a believer. Because you cannot do something wrong while knowing that you are being watched and you will have to answer for it, while you do not have an answer. The beautiful thing is, Allah is Al-Ghafoor, Al-Afu', Ar;-Rahman, Al-Lateef, Ash-Shakoor, Al-Wadud and so much more. He forgives, loves, rewards and works in the most subtle ways.

Sometimes, all we want to do is forget that we have to die and keep doing whatever it is we are doing, because its just easier that way. It's easier to think about the bills we have to pay, or the people we have to please, or the grades we need to get and stay so busy while trying to keep things afloat that its easier to forget that we ever have to die. But one day, we will wake up without waking up and neither our money nor those people will wake up with us.

But Allah is As-Samad.

Perfection

sometimes things are so perfect that i feel like i am dreaming and that i will wake up any moment and realise i still lack direction and sometimes i feel like i am living inside a bubble that might burst at any moment but then you remind me that this is all real and you are real and you are the perfect balance i was missing all this time. 

Blessed

Note to self: when blessings come, be thankful for them. Remember that everything comes from the Allah and be grateful to Him.

One of the names of Allah is Ash-Shakoor - I never thought about this name too much until recently. I remember being amazed by the meaning of it. It is similar to taking very little care of a plant, but the plant giving you a lot of fruits. You put in a tiny amount of effort and you are rewarded with plenty. The fact that Allah is Ash-Shakoor means that He rewards the little that you do with plenty. I am feeling this completely in my life right now. My life, subhanallah, could not be any more perfect at the moment. I have direction, purpose, resources and confidence. Allah has surrounded me with so much support at the moment that I must, must cherish it. There were moments when I had none of those, and hence, no happiness. Alhamdulillah, I truly feel blessed. And it gives me even more conviction that Allah is indeed Ash-Shakoor.

Ways to be grateful to Allah:
- Saying Alhamdulillah (absolutely all praises and thanks belongs to Allah)
- Talking about the blessings
- Using the blessings that you're given for good purposes

“If you are grateful, I will surely give you more and more.” (Ibrahim 14:7).