Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Beautiful Mess

I talked to Sarah for the first time since I came back from Bangladesh. She's a girl who expresses a lot through her face, so it was a bit uncomfortable to talk to her over the phone. After a few small talk, I told her 'the news'. She was quite for a moment, most probably shocked, and then asked, 'what? how? when?'. I couldn't answer very clearly. The same thing happened when I talked to Mish about it - I simply couldn't say any thing. During weak moments, it seems like I made the wrong decision at the wrong time. It happened so quickly that I didn't have time to think about it. But then, I don't think I wanted to think about it, because if I did, I would probably not have done it. Do I want to change it now? No. I think if I take a step back, I would continually take more steps backwards and eventually end up where I started. Sarah asked me about my dreams. Did I just scrunch up those huge ideas and chuck them in the bin? I told her I did, because there is no point in dreaming if is never going to happen. But I think I still clutch on to those somewhere and bring them out in those weak moments. Like last night - my legs felt like expired jelly from excruciating stomach ache and walking home after a tiring day, the language of Frankenstein was irritating me and I felt frustrated about life in general. I just curled up with a wheat bag and imagined what life would've been like. I assume a lot of things in my dreams and create perfection. This is not a great thing to do, because it causes disappointment when reality hits. Nonetheless, its like a drug - its fun and makes you forget reality, temporarily. Anyway, the point is, I took a step to clear up the mess I created, no matter how beautiful and enjoyable the mess was, because if I did not clear it now, I would have had to do it when the mess grew a lot more. In fact, I probably could never do it. I don't regret taking the step. I just wish the past would vanish from our memories, or we would change to suit the future that I dream about. Neither is possible.

I was listening to a song from Jason Mraz's album in the plane on our way back to Australia, it was called 'A Beautiful Mess'. The song wasn't very appropriate for the perfectly unmessy view out the window, but the way Mraz sang it kept me listening. I don't think I completely understand the song, but the style seemed so familiar that it felt like it was written by someone I really know. Especially the way he says 'dear', and uses innocent words in an innocent voice. The sad note in his voice also adds to the whole effect.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Why do I feel so nostalgic today? The soundtrack of 'Cars' is to blame.

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