I can't handle too much pressure. If I am around ten thousand contradictory ideas, I get confused about which one to believe in. If ten thousand different people come to me with truth in their eyes, I will believe all of them. I can't yet differentiate between what is and what should be. The reality is the reality, but often the reality is not right. My problem is, I often don't know the difference between the wrong reality and the right reality. Maybe its because of my naivity and lack of exposure to both 'right' and 'wrong'. Or maybe its because of too much exposure to the wrong side of reality.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and then attempted to clean up the mess. I fell so many times that by now, picking myself up should've been my special talent. But I still falter and fall further. I get affected by what people say and I just let that get to me. Depending on whether it is a compliment or a criticism, I bask in daydreams or wallow in miseries for the next couple of weeks. I wish I was a bit more 'my own' instead of being so volatile!
I have one and a half days left of the holidays and I have not done what I planned to do. Of course, I did have a few things done here and there, but it wasn't enough. If I don't get stuck right into it the next 12 weeks, there is no way that I will be able to get into medicine anywhere, not even in some hole like Tasmania. I deleted the games from my phone. I just need to get off a few other things and then hopefully I will have no reason not to concentrate. I am trying to get back to Allah the way I did at the end of year 10, but I am faltering there too. But I just have to remember that He loves me like more than anyone loves me.
Here's a hadith to remind me of this later:
A man once came to Prophet Muhammad (s) carrying with him his belongings and a box. He said, "O Prophet! While I was passing through a jungle, I heard the voice of some bird's babies. I took them and put them in this box. The moment I did that, their mother came fluttering round my head."
And the Prophet said, "Put them down". When the man put the box on the ground, the mother of the young birds joined them. Seeing this, the Prophet asked the man who now had a look of surprise on his face, "Are you surprised by the affection of the mother towards her young? I swear by Him (Almighty Allah) who has sent me, surely, God is more loving to his servants than the mother to these young birds. Return these baby birds to the place from where you took them, and let their mother be with them."
And I know that Allah listens to me and He tests the ones He loves. And He tests us by temptations, as well as failure. What happens around us does not matter, what matters is how we respond to it. If we don't respond to temptations, it would only make us stronger.