18th.

The next few months will be the definition of busyness. Most weekdays, I would not be free until 8 at night. I start at 9 twice a week, another day at 10. The second half of each weekend day will be filled. I signed up for scripture teaching as well, but I don't think I'd be able to do it at the time I want and in the area I want. I am still hoping to squeeze in one or two more students, since the pocket still seems quite empty. On top of that, its first year.

I can't believe I only have a little more than a week of this precious holiday. Where did the last three and a half months go? HSC seems far enough, but the holidays seem so, so short! But I have done a few of the things I planned to:
- Drove about 80 hours.
- Edited 1 set of videos.
- Cleaned up this ancient computer and made it bearable.
- Watched about 50 episodes of the bengali natok House Full, got bored. Watched An Education, not as good as I thought it would be. It ends quite abruptly. I guess I found it hard to relate to because I am not a schoolgirl (anymore! yay!) who fell in love with an older man, left school, then found out he's married, studied really hard and got into Oxford. As I was watching this movie, I kept thinking about all the things that are wrong with the society. Maybe thats why it failed to attract me? Anyway, I also watched the first 2-3 minutes of The Time Traveller's Wife. Then the sound started to stuff up, and Smru told me its a waste of time, and I believed her even though the first few minutes seemed OK, so I stopped. I watched the BBC Series of Pride and Prejudice and Wives and Daughters - and absolutely loved them! Wives and Daughters left me gripping the edge of my seat, especially in the last half an hour. Roger Hamley is such a sweet boy! And Molly Gibson is such a good girl with such a great fate that you subconciously start to want to be like her. And I lost all my interest - the bit that was left - in Gossip Girls, House Full and all things alike.
- I have a toothbrush at Snowman/Dagger/Flynn/Ash's house. And I can open and close their car door properly. And I have a bed there, which is actually Flynn's bed, but she prefers sleeping on the carpet for some reason. That makes me a part of their family.
- I am off facebook for a while. Of course, it was my mum's idea, but I accepted it. I guess I needed this - facebook is just ugh sometimes. Its ughly addictive and ughly ugly. So if you want to contact me, use the good old email, or call me. Or take me out for a coffee - get closer! I feel like I can totally be in those Nescafe ads. Or text me, but don't expect me to text back.
- Went to yet another Al Kauthar course! I have missed them so much! The last time I went to one was when I was 16. The thing about Al Kauthar is that the courses are so intense, so jam packed with solid information, as well as juiced with emotions and truthfulness of the instructors that you just want to be in that environment as long as you can. I don't know how to explain it. It really does feel like angels surround the lecture theatre as the teacher explains each detail. I guess its one of those experiences you can't 'feel' until you go through it yourself.
- I went to a wedding last friday. It was raining - raining so hard that it became difficult to see things. I went out to clean the car, and instead, I just sat on the front steps. I couldn't take my eyes off the streaming beauty. Did you know that one of the times when prayers get accepted is when it rains? Its a blessing from God. A blessing from the heavens - and I can feel it every time the I set my eyes upon it, or smell its sweet smell! And its cloudy again, today. I hope it rains.

JC is going out with B. Don't know B's last name, so that's as much information as I can reveal. She's such a sweet girl - I hope they get married and have lots of einstein like children and make the world a better place and... oh, thats right, she doesn't want to get married. There goes another of my dreams! Oh and - out of all this, one good thing came out. I learnt what 'altercation' means. And then realised that everyone else knew that word long before me. SS is becoming girly. AS has a new boyfriend, who's not white, and not too tall, and possibly not obsessed with computer games. FG is still determined that there is no guy for her out there, in a good way, of course! RH tried to convince AD why boys are rubbish, yet, AD is going out with someone I don't know. CP is going out with A who she met at bondi. It seems like the commerce of Valentine's Day has boomed this year.

Oh and Sum - you are so very cute! If you ever come across this blog, know that I love you. :)

Some more useless thoughts

Our life is full of choices. The alarm rings, you have an option of getting up and beginning the day early. Or you can turn it off and go back to sleep. Option one will probably mean that you'll walk around with sleepy eyes for a few hours. But it may also mean that you get more than two things done in a day. Option two is more comfortable and attractive, in the short run. But you end up cursing yourself as you run to your appointments a few hours late. Then there's food. You can choose the easy option and eat anything and everything out of a packet. This would save time effort in the short run. But it may show up as bumps in your face, unnecessary fat cells and extra stress. Or you can cook something healthy, which may take about half an hour of your life and which would probably be in your stomach within a third of that time, but you can avoid all those other side effects. Then there's temptations. Someone you hate is really testing you with her words and you would very much like to slap her across her face. But that would mean more words behind your back, and/or a slap and a punch. Or you can stay quite, smile through your teeth and pray to God to end this agony asap.

I seem to make the wrong choices all the time. I plunge towards the easy and quick option without giving the other one a second thought. Then, when all is messed up in tangles and knots, I try to cut the strings altogether. Then I feel tired and go to sleep. Occassionally, I try to turn things around. I make decisions to block certain options and make others more available. Things become easy for a while, then they start to become unbearable.

I guess its not just me. UJ came and talked to us the other day. She went through her whole life with people who constantly tried to close the doors on her face. When she took a step forward, there were ten volunteers to hold her back. When she hesitated, she was encouraged to turn back. But she still made it through. And she still is in the process of it. The main advice she gave was to constantly keep in contact with people who you aspire to. People who will lift you up instead of dragging you down below the ground.

I wish my insides were stronger. I wish that I could turn away completely. I hope I keep taking the tiny steps forward. Because B was right again. If you let your guard down for a second, something may happen that will haunt you for a very long time.

Love

When you love someone, you should do what that person wants you to do for them, not what you would love that person to do for you. Who told me this? I am not a hundred percent sure, but I think it was my sister. She has always been my main source of knowledge on life skills. She is an amazing person. She is an amazing person to whom God has given the ability of learning from her mistakes. She is the first person who taught me that there is little to be gained by being selfish. She has taught me to read, write and appreciate art. I love her. I really do, except she isn’t here right now.

My sister and I – we had a journey through our relationship; I guess it’s that way with a lot of pairs of sisters. When I was little, I didn’t really notice her much. She was there, like the rest of my family was. She had her best friends, her make up, her diary, her side of the bed, her quick tears and smiles, her beautiful voice and I had my poems, my playmates, my daydreams. We had separate worlds of our own. Occasionally, I remember sharing little things about my private life with her – not that I had much of a private life as a kid! Like, once, I wrote about a boy in my diary where I used to write my poems, then ripped it up and foolishly chucked the papers out of the window. Apuni saw them on her way home. And I’m pretty sure she asked me about that later. Then, in year 4, I failed a subject in VNS. I still remember the look of contempt the teacher gave me. For God’s sake! I was ten! Anyway, that night, I was crying really late at night. I was lying on my side and just crying. My sis woke up and comforted me. I can’t really remember the details much now. Oh and, there were times when she used to tease me. Before we slept, we would do talk about silly things, if she was in the mood. She used to pretend to be the younger sister. And she used to ask me awkward questions that my seven or eight year old mind just could not prepare an answer for.

Then, when we came to Sydney, we had a bit of a rocky time. She was a teenager, I was about to be one. She left her comfortable world in Dhaka and I looked forward to building one here. She slept in the bottom bunk, I slept on top. She still kept writing in her diary and I attempted to do the same. She used to hate the fact that I tried to copy everything that she did. I actually didn’t do it consciously, but I guess, when you’re in the same room with someone year after year, it happens. She wrote letters to her friends and got answers. I did the same – and never received anything. For my 11^th birthday, she gave me a packet of glitter (and/or gel pens), a purple notebook and a black Evoke deodorant. Before I went to bed, I discovered a birthday card under my pillow. The next day, I went and bragged to Likhi about it all. When I was 12, I got the chicken pox. I had a horrible nightmare one night. I dreamt that I had a lot of candies from the kitchen, messed up the whole house with the wrappers and felt extremely sick about it all. Yes, it seemed way too horrible to be true, but it also seemed very real. I woke up sweating and crying. Apuni came over to my bed and soothed me; she even took me to the living room, just to show that there are no candy wrappers. Believe it or not, that little incident has been imprinted in my memory better than many other more important details. I told her about both of my primary school crushes. I remember, she used to stay up just to tell me, its okay.

Then, high school started for me. I stepped on the 13^th year of my life. Both of us started to be cranky way too often. I started to hate her. I remember filling up lines and lines of swear words with her name. Mainly because it gave me a thrill. I was thirteen and I was stupid. Then I had problems with friends. She took me to the counsellor. She talked to me. Everything got better. Then we kept going through highs and lows of love and hate. She honestly has a way of knowing what I’m thinking when I’m thinking and what I’m doing when I’m doing it. I can’t think about one crush that I had in high school that she didn’t know about. I can’t think about one secret I had without her being a witness to it. I guess it was good. She kept me out of trouble all my life. And when I did get into trouble, she pulled me out of it. Now that I think about it, I think my sister is one of those natural mothers. The kind of women who always know how to guide, naturally. And I’m so very thankful that she’s my sister! By the way, she looks very ugly when she’s angry. But she is one of the most beautiful people when you can see love in her face. And I got to see both of them quite often for the last few years.

Then, she got married. Just like that. One moment, she was mine, the next moment she wasn’t. From my eighteen years of life, I know that I hate changes. I try to handle them, but the first blow remains for quite a while. Yeah, we always talked about marriages and daydreamt about the perfect guy. But it never occurred to me that she would actually tie the knot so soon! Anyway, I had the last one year to reconcile with it. At first, I resisted the change. I thought of my new brother as an enemy. I listened to her talk about him, and I thought, I’m in a much better position. I can dream all I like, without having to have the boundaries of any certain person. But it didn’t take long to realise that that was just my way of hating his luck. And I realised that I would be a very bad mother! I hate letting go. So with that realisation, I started to let go. And I hope, now, she won’t hate the fact that she taught me heaps of things. And I hope I am becoming my own person, instead of living under her shadow. I hope she believes that none of my mistakes are a reflection of her.

I really miss her. I miss hugging her. I miss hearing her voice in real life. I miss seeing her. I miss hating her. I miss seeing love written all over her face.

Dang. This post was supposed to be about my mother. And I’m wasting all my tears on someone else. So yes, lately, I’m beginning to see her more as a friend than a teacher. I used to love snuggling up in her arms when I was little. And I used to be so very afraid of her. My mother can get a very bad temper at times. But she’s also very affectionate. She loves the colour red, and rightly so – her passion can range both ways. I’ve always looked up to her. She’s very organised, an excellent time manager (unlike the rest of us in the family...), adventurous, and very, very pretty. When I was little, I used to think she’s the most beautiful person on earth. I even loved the smell of her sweat!

She completely compliments my father. They were made for each other. She has everything he lacks and he has everything she lacks. She had all her children by 26, and she travelled the world as much as she could. We still turned out to be emotionally and physically very healthy – a testimony to her ability to balance her adventurous nature with practicality. I’m like my dad. We both often live with our heads in the cloud. And my brother and sister have it a little bit too. My mum is the one who keeps everyone on track and moving. She is the one who sees that last bit of important detail that we all miss.

Since she is my mother, and since I am the youngest, she sees me like her baby. We all had strong restrictions when we were little. We had to study when it became dark. We had to stop watching TV after a certain given time. Then, when I got my phone and internet access, they got taken away from time to time as punishments for different wrong actions. And I wasn’t allowed to stay at home by myself for a long, long time. I tried to wriggle out of this for ages. When I had no choice, I just wrote. I wrote pages after pages. And I still daydream – that old habit never went away.

But lately, quite suddenly it seems to me, she’s treating me like an adult. And surprisingly, its making me want to make her happy, instead of thinking of things she tells me to do as simply ‘chores’. It finally feels like she trusts me. But it’s scaring me too. It scares me to think I might break that trust one day. Or maybe I’d do something that I won’t realise that would break her heart. I guess when other people start to trust you, its really easy to lose your own trust on yourself.

But then, ‘whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him in a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees.’

:)

Beauty, beauty. Its who You are.

The sky in the last few nights was beyond beautiful. The brightest full moon of the year came a few days ago and brought Mars along. Ma told me about it that morning, but I was quite stressed and had such a full day that I totally forgot about it until about 11 pm. I literally ran to the backyard to see if I still had a chance. And Lo and behold (in Steven's style) - there it was! A tiny dot about four centimetres away from the moon. It was slightly orange. I thought of Smru straight away. Her obsession with Mars in forever implanted on my mind. But since she isn't on 3, and since Sum is, and since I knew Sum is still awake, I called her. I just had to share that with someone. So I stood there, with my parents, in the backyard, watching the grey clouds cover and uncover the white circle with a little orange dot next to it. The sky was mostly clear that night though - so I also had a chance to stare at the other dazzling stars. They really do look like tiny diamonds, some of them.

Even though it was very bright, and though it was supposed to be the biggest, the moon looked bigger the next night. I was driving my dad and brother to the mosque. I hate taking the same route over and over again, but I really do have to pull up my hours. From 120, I've done about 60. I really can't fudge the whole of the rest of the hours, so I try to go everywhere I can... be bothered to. Anyway, that night, I wasn't as grumpy as I usually am for being dragged to drive on the same road again, because the moment I left the house, my eyes fell upon the moon. It was half hidden behind some branches. And it took my breath away. It literally lit up the sky and made all the dark clouds seem closer to white than grey. I had to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road if I didn't want to be traumatised for the rest of my life for killing two of my family members.

Then, last night, it was raining. Have I ever mentioned that I love driving on rainy nights? Yes, we did take the same route again, but I hardly felt it. At first it was raining softly, and the orange street lights illuminated each drop. They looked like tiny insects as they hovered infront of any light they could find. All the cars were being driven relaxedly. As the rain became heavier, the water on the roads occasionally turned orange, or blue, or red, depending on the closes neon lights. My windscreen wiper got faster. The raindrops stopped imitating insects and merely slid down any surface they could find. I think I also saw a flash of rainbow somewhere - most probably in front of another car's headlights. I loved the sound of the heavy drops on the roof and the windows. It added a sense of rythm to all those colours.

It was raining this morning too. I love the scent it draws out from the soil.

I can watch the sky all day
Without a word to say.
I can taste their heavy tears,
Sitting here.
I would, if I could.

PS: Since my phone refuses to transfer the photo of the moon I took the other night, I am posting a different photo of the sky. The sky at another time I love. Before sunset.

to thicken the border

And then I proved again, yet again, that I cannot be responsible about my actions.

Not yet! But who knows what tomorrow holds?

I really need to keep organising things for the upcoming surprise. Since its a surprise, and since the person the surprise is for may come across this, I shall not reveal much. But I only have a few more weeks. Need more ideas and co-operation. Talking about ideas - I really should apologise to Flynn for the immaturity I displayed. It was nothing and really a fleeting light bulb that switched on inside our heads. I should probably also apologise to Snowman for freaking her out. And note to self: never be tempted by Sum and Rad when they want to reveal secrets!

I woke up with this song in my head:

The Prophet's hands,
silken smooth and soft to touch
sometimes we need those hands so much,
to feel them clasp our own and let us know we're not alone.
The Prophet's hands, If they could take over the reigns,
if they could take away the strains,
guide us to the end with the patience of a friend.

Yeah, I did wish I had the prophet's hands to guide me gently through life at that moment.