Our life is full of choices. The alarm rings, you have an option of getting up and beginning the day early. Or you can turn it off and go back to sleep. Option one will probably mean that you'll walk around with sleepy eyes for a few hours. But it may also mean that you get more than two things done in a day. Option two is more comfortable and attractive, in the short run. But you end up cursing yourself as you run to your appointments a few hours late. Then there's food. You can choose the easy option and eat anything and everything out of a packet. This would save time effort in the short run. But it may show up as bumps in your face, unnecessary fat cells and extra stress. Or you can cook something healthy, which may take about half an hour of your life and which would probably be in your stomach within a third of that time, but you can avoid all those other side effects. Then there's temptations. Someone you hate is really testing you with her words and you would very much like to slap her across her face. But that would mean more words behind your back, and/or a slap and a punch. Or you can stay quite, smile through your teeth and pray to God to end this agony asap.
I seem to make the wrong choices all the time. I plunge towards the easy and quick option without giving the other one a second thought. Then, when all is messed up in tangles and knots, I try to cut the strings altogether. Then I feel tired and go to sleep. Occassionally, I try to turn things around. I make decisions to block certain options and make others more available. Things become easy for a while, then they start to become unbearable.
I guess its not just me. UJ came and talked to us the other day. She went through her whole life with people who constantly tried to close the doors on her face. When she took a step forward, there were ten volunteers to hold her back. When she hesitated, she was encouraged to turn back. But she still made it through. And she still is in the process of it. The main advice she gave was to constantly keep in contact with people who you aspire to. People who will lift you up instead of dragging you down below the ground.
I wish my insides were stronger. I wish that I could turn away completely. I hope I keep taking the tiny steps forward. Because B was right again. If you let your guard down for a second, something may happen that will haunt you for a very long time.