Heart-shaped box

Dearest readers, 'tis my latest and possibly one of my corniest productions. It was written last night. In the past few days, a lot of people around me seemed to have broken it off or given the news to me of breaking it off with their previous significant other. This is a song for them. Its a bit of fun, not to be taken seriously. I do realise that songs about a 'you' have been written over and over again, thus, most of the words would seem borrowed from previous poets. Oh well - I still hope (yes, I am an optimist!) you enjoy the bunch of common words I've thrown together in a very familiar manner.

Verse:
When the sun shines through my mind
I know the day is one of a kind
'Cause the moon rose over the clouds last night
It made you seem as clear and bright
as my dreams.

I knew I couldn't touch you
I knew, though, everything seemed true
They were unreal, as much as you
You were making me feel, feel a little blue.

PRE-CHORUS:
So I cried, I cried last night
When nothing seemed alright
And the stars shone down on the sea
'Cause they couldn't bear shining on me.

CHORUS:
Baby,
Did you say, maybe?
Did you just make a promise to me?
I don't know yet,
If this is fate,
Or if you're a running a little late
for someone else.

Verse:
So when the sun shone through my mind today,
I knew you're just a memory, nothing more to say,
I lay on grass, watched the sky
And the clouds from last night passed me by.

CHORUS.

Dear, I thought I'd drop a line. The weather's cool. The folks are fine.

Even though the holidays started, it feels like I am not getting any time or space to breathe. I am currently packing my life of nine years into cardboard boxes, organising some holiday activities, being a friend to a friend who reminds me of myself, teaching a few kids, talking about problems, trying to fix some problems, cooking and cleaning. I love this life though. I never thought I would say this, but I actually enjoy being busy. It makes moments like this, in which I take some time off to reflect, much more precious.

I found so many things when I was cleaning out my papers. All those assignments from junior high, neatly completed exercise books and worksheets, 10/10s. Then my handwriting slowly turned into a runny mess, couplets or four-lined poems were found in between work, little thoughts hidden between pages. Folders and folders of collections of papers, worked solutions, essays. I don't want to give them away. They feel like pets that I have had for a very long time, things which need to go to a good owner, or not go at all. Its getting easier though, I am sorting and re-sorting things, throwing out things that I thought I would never part with. It feels like such a waste! All those years of work would soon be crushed to nothing.

There are so many things that we keep for our future generations. Its nice to imagine that our grandkids would go through our neatly written books one day and laugh at our silliness. They'll read my mistakes and triumphs and understand how human minds work, and how they should handle theirs. Isn't that why we record everything? To make our thoughts available for the future?

Whats the point, though? We'll all be dead one day, anyway. What guarantee is there that everything that we cherish will be cherished in the future? Why waste time and space to create something that probably won't be of any use later? Why can't we spend more time doing things that will be useful? Honestly, I look at the years of work now, and I am realising that they should have been thrown out right after they served their need. Keeping useless things for longer only increases attachment.

But I am finding many interesting things though. This is a page from one of my chemistry books from year 11. If you know the real song, you would realise that this is not it. I used to do crazy things like that. Change a few words from a certain song to make it suit better in my mind. For example, Beatle's Across the Universe always sounded better to me as 'words are flowing out like rain into my paper cups of pain' instead of 'words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup'.

I was talking to JP yesterday. She suggested that I read the wiki page of 'science'. I find her views quite interesting. She's an atheist, who, according to some, are 'too rational'. I think she's an amazing, talented human being. She showed me a bird that she drew free hand onto a white t-shirt, just for practice. I was stunned at what she can do in a few minutes. I shall write more about our conversation and point of views later, when I read her suggested wiki page.

That other friend of mine - AI - she's going through something which is a lot similar to what I went through in my senior years. School work, personal life, pressure, being lost about who you are - all of these just has to happen in the final year of schooling. I hated year 12, I really did hate it. I can say that now, because alhamdulillah (all praise is to God) I have seen so much better, so much more of life, discovered so much more of myself, after I finished HSC. The stress really isn't worth it. AI is also an amazing girl who just needs a little push to believe in herself. Her 17th birthday is coming up, and I really want to treat her with something rewarding.

I am also loving tutoring my kids now. I love the look in their eyes when they understand, I love their gratefulness, and I love seeing what they can do with a little encouragement. Alhamdulillah, all of my students are great kids, who can teach me a few life lessons as well.

I shall go and cook lau (bottle gourd, i think its called in english?) now. I told ma that I felt like cooking something, so she took this out of the freezer. I don't really like cooking conventional curry food, but, oh well. I want to make her happy. She makes me smile like the sun, fall out of bed (with her phone calls at 10 am), sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a sunday night. She makes me smile!

P.S: The title is from a Song called 'P.S I love you by Nelle McKay', which I heard from the movie 'P.S I love you'. Its an alright sort of movie. Its probably a great movie to cry over if you've just broken up with someone. It might be a funny movie to laugh at if you think overtly romantic things are ridiculous.

P.P.S: A few posts back, I wrote P.S.S instead of P.P.S. Only realised a few posts later!

P.P.P.S: 'P.S I love you' was actually originally by Billie Holiday. I knew I should've been born about 60 years ago!

dum di dum

Saturday morning

When it’s not raining

And the sun is out of its shell

My mind flutters

The words it utters

Make up a story to tell.

The words close my eyes

To reality’s lies

My dreams will suffice

To bring a new sunrise.

There goes another instant rhyme, put into a tune, since no one is around to hear it. By the way, I know that it is not Saturday. My exams finished on Saturday. Its Tuesday today.


I had a lot of plans before the holidays, and hopefully, I will start on those soon - possibly next week. I want to learn a bit more about the Palestine/Israel conflict, about the history of Islam since prophet Muhammad's (peace be upon him) death and about the two concepts that Islam and the west have major problems right now: Jihad and Hijab. Hopefully, I will regularly update my thoughts on these matters. If you have an opinion (based on solid sources, not on prejudice and presumptions), please feel free to comment. If you have any suggestions for a starting point, feel free to comment too!

You make me smile like the sun

This is a song I wrote two days back. I wasn't happy at all, so I am quite surprised that I managed to be so cringworthily sugary! But I am liking sugary things nowadays (as always, I guess?). I watched 'Stand by Me' recently, and I am liking Buddy Holly and The Chordettes. Its a phase, I know, just like the time I was obsessed with 'Hey Good Lookin'!' Anyway, the sky is grey today, neither dark blue, nor red, nor yellow. I am currently quite happy. Grateful for the person that I am, for the life I have, for the people around me, for everything. Holidays started from yesterday. I slept in without guilt, or without the feeling that I should feel guilty - for the first time in a very long time. The change in layout was needed. I feel like I am stepping into a stage of my life, even though, nothing big have happened. I am sorry if I am throwing my thoughts around everywhere and its disorienting you too... oh well. How long has it been since I started writing? The first post was on the 4th of July, 2005. Nearly 5 years of my life have been documented from my point of view. Wow. Oh, and the title is completely unrelated, Emu (was your title completely unrelated too? were you just trying to confuse me?). Its from Smile by Uncle Kracker.


I actually do not have a title for this song yet, but I was thinking of 'Sunrise'.

The sky
Is a little dark blue
Tonight

So

I wanna 

Know

Are gonna

Cry, cry, cry

With the 

Sky -y -y

Just because its 
Blue
I don't know about 
You
But I think I know
How to make it feel better
All you gotta 
Do
Is get a bubblegum to
Chew
Then type up a colourful letter.
Make sure its filled with wishes
Completely void of cliches
Then wrap it up like paper maches
Beat it with eyelashes
Use a little imagination
Send it across all stations
Across a million miles
To make the sky smile
And happiness will flow
In red and yellow glow.


O-o-ow

So

I wanna 

Know

Are gonna

Cry, cry, cry

With the 

Sky -y -y

Because the sky

Is a little dark blue

Tonight

So

I wanna 

Know

Are gonna

Cry, cry, cry

With the 

Sky.

Waiting for rain

I wrote this song last night. I personally feel like this is one of the best that I have been blessed with. They come so naturally right before exams! Anyway, I have a tune for this song, however, since I have not been blessed with the most beautiful voice on earth, the sufferers shall only consist of my family. They may want to die of shame, or of regret, but at least they won't be able to run away, listening to my voice. By the way, did I mention that I once broke glass while singing? Possibly not.

I'm sitting here,
Waiting for the sky to tear up;
I'm sitting here,
Waiting for a drop to fall down.
Fall on my eyes,
Fall on my eyes,
Fall on my eyes -
To make me cry.
They've been dry for way too long,
They're urging me to sing a new song,
They know that my heart feels a little too wrong...
A little out place...
Its gone missing.

I'm sitting here,
Waiting for my heart to beat again;
Still waiting for that drop of, drop of rain.
To fall on my heart,
To fall on my heart,
To fall on my heart -
It hardened and dried.
The blood from my heart drained out,
I didn't say a word, didn't whisper or shout.
I just let it be - arrogant, proud.
That's a little out place,
Now its gone missing.

So, I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here,
Waiting for the rain,
Waiting for the mercy to
Shower upon my pain,
Waiting for it all just to wash away;
And bring me a brand new, brand new day.

I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here,
I'm sitting here -
Waiting for another pumping heart,
Waiting for a whole new, whole new start,

Waiting for the rain,

Waiting for the mercy to 

Shower upon my pain.

Waiting for it all just to wash away -

I'm waiting for a brand new day.

Them.

I have Katsaridaphobia.


Such a fancy name!


I was going to put a picture of them in here, but google images of them turned everything upside down inside me.


ps: exams in 3 days. 
pss: please pray for me!
psss: i feel claustrophobic.
pssss: photo was taken from here: http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/3/1/129119737289562671.jpg 

The beginning

My first experience with the internet was not until I was eleven. In Bangladesh, when it came to anything 'technical', my biggest thrill was seeing my name written in WordArt and playing a game called 'Prince of Persia', which consisted of a black-and-white pixalated hero escaping from a castle. (It also made beeping noises, adding to the thrill!). The reason that the computer was there at all was that my dad upgraded from a typewriter to Windows 3.2 (or 3 point something else) to type up his papers and use the internet to communicate with other scientists. So our use was pretty restricted. Anyway, along with the internet, came another world. Although I was not allowed to have an email address, I did pop by in-between my sister's and my brother's turns, to play games.

Age twelve brought a whole new prospect. I finally opened up my first email account (of course, a Hotmail account!) and stuck the word 'snowflakes' in my username. I really don't remember my reasoning behind it apart from the fact that I was looking for a nice word and my socks happened to have snowflakes on them. (Though I would like to think that I thought 'sweety', 'baby' and 'angel' was overrated...).

An email account meant MSN, Bebo, weird quizzes etc etc. It also meant a lot of forwarded emails, which ranged from 'Send this to 10 people and the love of your life will call you tonight' to 'Hotmail is closing down in 2 weeks!'. Amongst all this BS, I also got shocking pictures of African children and bloodied pictures of kids in Palestine. Like all other internetians, I learnt to skip over the forwards in a year or two.

Being in the later half of gen Y, I am spending my teen years in the new millennium. I have witnessed many attacks, including 9/11, war in Afghanistan, Bali bombing, war against Iraq, bombing in England to name a few. I have heard about them over and over in the news, from adults, from forwards. That, and the vivid pictures of the on-going cruelties, eventually caused me to shut it all out. Along with many other teens, I sheltered myself from the world behind problems with friends, clothes, books, TV. I am ashamed to say that I am indeed an ignorant, oblivious silence, whose existence is probably a waste of time and space.

The recent attack on the Gaza Freedom Flotilla sort of jerked me. I suddenly realised that there was more to the world that I probably should be aware of(surprise, surprise!). I hope to find out more about Gaza and dig deep into why the problem started in the first place. From what I know now, there have been 1,188 Israeli deaths in the last 10 years by Palestinians while 1417 Palestinian deaths in 23 days in January 2009 by Israeli military forces. In the same attack, more than 6000 homes were destroyed in Gaza. The blockade restricts building material from entering Gaza, as a result, the people whose homes have been destroyed are not able to rebuild. Their source of building material is broken infrastructure from previous attacks. As a result of the attacks, there is a shortage in electricity and water. According to Sydney Morning Herald sources, up to 7 people share water that should be consumed by only 1 person.

Barak Obama is not condemning the blockade due to the 'security concerns' - which refers to the home made rockets thrown by the democratically elected political group Hamas. With these rockets, Hamas managed to kill more than 20 people in the past 10 years. Israel killed 1417 people in 23 days. From where I stand, that looks awfully ridiculous!

I do hope to find out more about both sides of the story of Israel/Palestine. If anyone has any suggestions of any good sources, please leave a comment.

Elevate

You turn away. You close your eyes from everything that lacks the colour of purity. You block your ears from every unwanted noise. Your nose no longer wants to breathe in the stench of the world. Your tongue prepares to be wet with only beautiful words. You relax. Let your mind lose itself in the infiniteness of the moment.

You proclaim His greatness. You place your hands close to your heart. You utter the words of praise and gratefulness. You remember every morsel of food, every breath of fresh air, every touch of love, every minute of security. You thank Him. You remember every accomplishment,  victory and failure through which He has made you the person that you are. You thank Him. You feel His words of approval in your heart. Your mind and words move from the past to the future. You remind yourself of your goal, your final destiny, the world that would exist when everything would end. You know, that only He has the power to give you the power to mould the future through the present. You ask Him. Him alone do you worship and Him alone do you ask for help. You feel His answer; His generous promise of acceptance.

You hate being lost and confused. You ask Him for the best possible solution available. Slowly, you bow down, proclaiming His greatness once again. You continue to glorify Him, before you stand up straight in the same manner. You affirm, that you know, that He accepts those who are thankful. You fall to the ground. Your face touches bare earth, your nose breathes in the scent of raw purity. You rest upon your hands and knees as your head surrenders to His power of might and love. You lose every shred of arrogance. You affirm and reaffirm that every one of you are equal in His eyes. You remind yourself of His infinite power, next to which, you are powerless. You have faults, He is perfect. You are a human being. You are His servant, He is your Lord. You affirm that He is the Most High.

You raise yourself up. You sit with every part of yourself facing in the direction that He commanded you to face, due to your obedience and love. You pray for every goodness. You ask Him to wipe away every spot of impurity from your heart. You wish peace to those who brought the message to you. You wish peace to all believers.

You turn your face to your right and then to your left, wishing peace to every creation in every direction.

This is what we experience every day, five times a day. This is the reason that sleep is worth missing. This is what reminds us, that no matter what happens, He is always there for us. Our daily failures and successes are just stepping stones. If something gets us down, we let our heart flow to Him. This is a reminder that life is worth living.