Friday, June 25, 2010

Dear, I thought I'd drop a line. The weather's cool. The folks are fine.

Even though the holidays started, it feels like I am not getting any time or space to breathe. I am currently packing my life of nine years into cardboard boxes, organising some holiday activities, being a friend to a friend who reminds me of myself, teaching a few kids, talking about problems, trying to fix some problems, cooking and cleaning. I love this life though. I never thought I would say this, but I actually enjoy being busy. It makes moments like this, in which I take some time off to reflect, much more precious.

I found so many things when I was cleaning out my papers. All those assignments from junior high, neatly completed exercise books and worksheets, 10/10s. Then my handwriting slowly turned into a runny mess, couplets or four-lined poems were found in between work, little thoughts hidden between pages. Folders and folders of collections of papers, worked solutions, essays. I don't want to give them away. They feel like pets that I have had for a very long time, things which need to go to a good owner, or not go at all. Its getting easier though, I am sorting and re-sorting things, throwing out things that I thought I would never part with. It feels like such a waste! All those years of work would soon be crushed to nothing.

There are so many things that we keep for our future generations. Its nice to imagine that our grandkids would go through our neatly written books one day and laugh at our silliness. They'll read my mistakes and triumphs and understand how human minds work, and how they should handle theirs. Isn't that why we record everything? To make our thoughts available for the future?

Whats the point, though? We'll all be dead one day, anyway. What guarantee is there that everything that we cherish will be cherished in the future? Why waste time and space to create something that probably won't be of any use later? Why can't we spend more time doing things that will be useful? Honestly, I look at the years of work now, and I am realising that they should have been thrown out right after they served their need. Keeping useless things for longer only increases attachment.

But I am finding many interesting things though. This is a page from one of my chemistry books from year 11. If you know the real song, you would realise that this is not it. I used to do crazy things like that. Change a few words from a certain song to make it suit better in my mind. For example, Beatle's Across the Universe always sounded better to me as 'words are flowing out like rain into my paper cups of pain' instead of 'words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup'.

I was talking to JP yesterday. She suggested that I read the wiki page of 'science'. I find her views quite interesting. She's an atheist, who, according to some, are 'too rational'. I think she's an amazing, talented human being. She showed me a bird that she drew free hand onto a white t-shirt, just for practice. I was stunned at what she can do in a few minutes. I shall write more about our conversation and point of views later, when I read her suggested wiki page.

That other friend of mine - AI - she's going through something which is a lot similar to what I went through in my senior years. School work, personal life, pressure, being lost about who you are - all of these just has to happen in the final year of schooling. I hated year 12, I really did hate it. I can say that now, because alhamdulillah (all praise is to God) I have seen so much better, so much more of life, discovered so much more of myself, after I finished HSC. The stress really isn't worth it. AI is also an amazing girl who just needs a little push to believe in herself. Her 17th birthday is coming up, and I really want to treat her with something rewarding.

I am also loving tutoring my kids now. I love the look in their eyes when they understand, I love their gratefulness, and I love seeing what they can do with a little encouragement. Alhamdulillah, all of my students are great kids, who can teach me a few life lessons as well.

I shall go and cook lau (bottle gourd, i think its called in english?) now. I told ma that I felt like cooking something, so she took this out of the freezer. I don't really like cooking conventional curry food, but, oh well. I want to make her happy. She makes me smile like the sun, fall out of bed (with her phone calls at 10 am), sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a sunday night. She makes me smile!

P.S: The title is from a Song called 'P.S I love you by Nelle McKay', which I heard from the movie 'P.S I love you'. Its an alright sort of movie. Its probably a great movie to cry over if you've just broken up with someone. It might be a funny movie to laugh at if you think overtly romantic things are ridiculous.

P.P.S: A few posts back, I wrote P.S.S instead of P.P.S. Only realised a few posts later!

P.P.P.S: 'P.S I love you' was actually originally by Billie Holiday. I knew I should've been born about 60 years ago!

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