Because we haven't 'talked' in a while

Once again, I have privatised this blog for only a handful of you (six, to be exact). The reason is that I have realised (once again) that my public sphere is getting larger, so, if somehow, one of my employers, or students, or someone who does not know as much about my personal life as you guys do, finds this blog, I will be in for either a huge trouble or an embarrassment. I have realised that my writing style changes as my audience change. So, currently, I am using this platform just to inform you about what goes on in my life - plainly and simply. :) Although you are amongst my closest people, we have not been talking as much. (Due to you being out of the country/married/dipped in exams/timetables that don't match mine).

So, here's what's happening:
- Ramadan starts tomorrow inshaAllah!! (I truly hope this year it will be one of those life changing experiences. I think I am starting to figure out who I am/what I like and dislike, which, I am hoping, would eventually tell me what I am supposed to do with my life. I am also hoping it would help to break a few bad habits that I have been struggling to break for a very long time. Please keep me in your prayers.)
- I have a pimple on the left side of my nose. I can't remember ever having a pimple there.
- For the last few months, my phone was often out-of-charge because the charging socket broke. I didn't get it fixed until last friday due to my excessive stinginess and lack of time. So, now, it is charging peacefully on my blanket once again! No more running to A/SB/B2 and changing batteries inshaAllah! This experience reminded me that we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it. As soon as I saw those bars of charge moving again, it made me smile and thank Allah. It was my first phone that wasn't a hand-me-down and the one I have had since university started. Even though its a nokia E63, something that most people's parents have, I feel too comfortable with it to let it go any time soon!
- It has been about a month since A&SB left the country. I love the descriptions of their little temporary family, I'm not missing them too much though - possibly because I always see A/SB in gtalk, hear what they are up to and know that they will be back soon inshaAllah. I have taken over their room for studying yesterday, and must say, it does have a magical effect! I am planning to make regular trips now. :P
- I started studying. Smru - we should start out friday afternoon thing as planned.
- I finally loaded the washing machine with all the clothes that have been piling up in my room. It got to a point where I now have no clothes to wear outside the house. This is what happens when ma doesn't chase me for something. *sigh*
- My caffeine tolerance decreased. I used to be extra sensitive to large cappuccinos - my heart would race, hands would shake, thoughts would rush and I would enter into a world of hyperness. I got a small last thursday, and I experienced similar effects. My mother would be pleased to know.
- I slept for about 10 hours last night, and I feel refreshed! Don't think I have had such a long sleep in a while... (in 2 weeks. :P).
- Just realised its 8.18 AM and I have gotten nothing that I was supposed to do done.

Chemistry

Just remembered how much I used to love this song. Kimya Dawson makes me sigh and smile.



"My heart is on my sleeve my head is in the sand
i said how did we end up here? you said happenstance
but i didn't understand so i made other plans
i ran to the ocean washed the blood off of my hands
i washed away my tears washed away ten years
washed away the empty space in-between my ears
and you said all that i mean is that you and me
didn't meet because of fate but rather probability
and you said the truth's like corn and lies are like weeds
you said the schroedinger equation collapsed perfectly
and i said mercy me be patient please
'cause i don't know a goddam thing about the birds and the bees
i just know what i'm like and i'm like what i see
even though it's hard to see because you just blinded me
and if there's one thing i learned in chemistry
it's that the gain of electrons is reduction, obviously
but you can't see electrons without machines
and you can't tell from my inflection if i'm being mean
and i don't know if i can take you seriously
sometimes elections depend on the absentees."

:)

Happy List

Chocolate with nuts
Witty romantic comedies, preferably with unexpected turns
Late night dreams
Silly thoughts
Random smiles from people I don't know
Apuni
Double blanket
Tiny pillow
Little whiteboard
Red things
Rain on a lazy day
Clouds
Coral tree in front of my window
Sunset
Camera
Editing photos
Pranks
Making lists
Ocean
Ice cream
Babies
New ideas
Experimenting with myself
MX
Good/neutral changes
Good/neutral surprises

To be continued...

The Way I Are

Lately, things that I have been saying to people have not been making sense to them. I mean, the words make perfect sense while they are in my head, they even make sense as I speak, however, something happens along the way, and they are completely misinterpreted. I would very much like to say that it is the rest of the world that is at fault, but I think the more plausible explanation is that my brain can't read my mind. (Did that make sense?)

The more my days pass, the more I am realising that I am probably spending the best days of my life right now. Everyone has their own lives at home now, so they are mostly keeping out of my territory. But they have not stopped caring, so I am not feeling love deprived. I am not too young to understand some of the world, not too old to be cynical about everything I understand or fail to. I am experimenting with various parts of my life (appearance, degree, career, living space etc) without facing too big of consequences. I have enough money to live comfortably - not too much to waste in vain and not less enough to suffocate in restriction of freedom. (alhamdulillah x infinity!)

I rearranged my room today. I also have a different bed. I finally have a mattress - I slept on a foam for nine and a half years; way too long for my back to stay sane. I also have a duck wheatbag that I am too lazy to heat up. Instead, I am continuing to sleep with two thick blankets. My room looks new and awesome :D. (even though it hasn't been cleaned yet...).

I realised I am crying much less than I used to. Worrying, because, sometimes, tears are good. My tear gland seems to be non-existent nowadays. Like, A is still my absolute best friend, and she understands me the most, in fact, she might even know me better than I know myself. She still giggled with me when I showed her a certain message, advised me when I asked her about something I never thought I would ask anyone, hugged me when I needed it. But, when she was leaving, I did not shed a tear. Not one drop. How is that possible?

P.S: The photo is the 16th photo from my 365 project. I am amazed that I have kept it up for two weeks and two days.

Latest realisations

1. The worst thing about psychologists is that they cannot help their patients UNTIL they decides to cooperate too. Which is perfectly fine, because, the mere fact that patients agree to go to the psychologist by paying money is an indication that either they are willing to cooperate, or they have a lot of cash to get rid of. Either way, the psychologist has something to gain. That is why, free and self-initiated help is an absolute waste of time (unless your intention is to please God). 

2. I should learn to say 'no'. Once said properly, times that follow are not so bad. But, just the courage that must be plucked up in order to say no to something that must be said no to is extremely hard to gather.

3. Detaching yourself from emotions to a certain degree is vital to survival.

4. People who take jokes to heart are so annoying! They make you feel uncomfortable and regretful. When this characteristic is combined with self-righteousness, what results is a mixture of unbearable irritation.

5. Life is actually full of possibilities.

The years start coming, and they don't stop coming

'Somebody once asked
Could I spare some change for gas -
I need to get myself away from this place.
I said, yep! What a concept!
I could use a little fuel myself.
We could all use a little change.'