Friday, January 11, 2013

I can steal back mine

I like unpredictability, to a certain extent. I like waking up in the morning and finding out that its raining on a day I can afford to stay in bed all day. I like watching the ironies of life take place one after another, as an outsider. And when I was younger, I used to love unpredictable people. I could not imagine living with one person for the rest of my life because after a while, the novelty would wear off, and the person would become predictable. But, as I grew, I realised unpredictable people make me nauseous. I suppose its sort of like riding on a rollercoaster. It thrills you for a little while, but you don't want to be riding one for the rest of your life.

They make me nauseous and annoy the living daylight out of me. Which is why, I am incredibly and increasingly annoyed at myself for slowly turning into one of them. I have always hated it when people stop returning phone calls, are absent for meetings, take up a commitment then don't fulfil it properly. I hate unreliable people. For a very long time, I tried my utmost to keep up my commitments with people, even if my own life is falling apart (in my mind, mostly), because it was no one else's business. I hated giving excuses, because in essence, excuses are just those - excuses. If I was feeling sluggish, a good load of commitments would pick me right up and back into business. I hate the fact that this isn't happening any more.

So, for the past few days, I have been attempting to do what I do best - diagnose my own problem and fix it. Make a list and get to it. Drink coffee. But, annoyingly, things aren't getting fixed. Instead, my to-do list is getting longer, my mind is turning into a bigger mess than it was. When my friends ask what the heck is going on, I cannot tell them anything because I am not exactly sure myself.

I think its just that I keep forgetting that life is fair. I keep looking at the world through a selfish person's eyes and thinking its okay. I keep forgetting that life is no big deal, but its something that I have to deal with. Running away from a to-do list doesn't make it disappear.

I should go through my blog and tag posts as "inspirational" from times when I feel inspired by something. I could use some now.

"Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me."

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