Sunday, January 06, 2013

Miles of clouded hell

Everyone has a different definition of "rock bottom". They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. But what if your definition changes? What if you dig the ground at the bottom of the ocean and bury yourself? What if you keep going until you reach the core and burn yourself to nothingness? Well, I suppose the worst thing would be if you never realised that you hit it, and you kept digging the hole. If you kept digging it until you have no more breath left.

I just hate the thought of picking myself up afterwards. The swim back is so much harder than the straight fall. And it reminds me that, if I never fell down here, I probably could be flying towards infinity right now. The worst emotion to feel is regret, and that is an overriding feeling while you swim back. It makes it so much harder.

I know that if I didn't make mistakes, I would not be human. I would be one of those women with their hair up in a tight bun and a stick up their backside. I would have a heart in which tears wouldn't enter, just roll over. But it makes me wonder, is anything different now? Even after making mistakes, am I a better person?

When you want to do things the right way, life gets harder and harder, and it will keep getting harder. Struggle is the only way forward, if eternal happiness is what you want. And you will be fooling yourself if you think you don't want that.

Life is actually very fair.

"It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes."

1 comment:

  1. I think there will come a time when you get sick of digging and you'll want to fly. And after a few more mistakes this overwhelming urge will make sure you don't lose self-control again or whatever it is you think you're lacking. And the next time you pick yourself up it will be for good. :P I don't know if you meant what I related to in this, but I'm kind of going through a similar thing! Happy New Year BTW! :)