Feeling positive - 3

Just because you can't see the road ahead doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Maybe you're blinded by sunlight streaming through your window, or maybe its the darkness getting darker. Maybe someone else is blocking your view with her hand. But just because you can't see, doesn't mean its not there. 

Boys

I was always one of those girls that loved dreaming about what life would be like when my prince comes and sweeps me off my feet. I knew exactly what I liked, but also had a crush on every boy I stumbled upon. I didn't grow up with a lot of boys around me, due to my parents strict parenting, but that didn't stop me from liking that kid my mum used to teach in her kindergarten class, or that new kid in school, or that boy who thought girls had cooties. They ranged from cute to hot, and were always out of my reach. My low self esteem and love for pop music left me wanting something special, which then perpetuated my love for pop music and my low self esteem.

And then, when I got the chance, I made a few mistakes. Mistakes that wouldn't be considered as anything wrong by any average teen, but due to my restrictions, I didn't get the same opportunities as regular teens did. Either way, I broke the boundaries that were set on me, as much as I could. Looking back at them, I know that I made mistakes as a form of experiments - I was curious to know what it would be like to set my foot across the line. This is one of the reasons why I'm really grateful that I have been born in my family, and not one that simply didn't care, because I can see the seventeen-year-old-me try drugs, given the chance. Due to my family, I had some sort of fear of consequences and never physically touched anyone of the opposite gender by intention. Which is quite unthinkably hard if you're not a Muslim, but its a given if you're a practising Muslim. My family was practising, but my mind often wasn't. So, I found it hard to compromise between the two. Thankfully, my mother had a horrible way of unintentionally blackmailing me by being so emotional - she always makes me feel like she'll have a heart attack at any moment. I think she was the main reason why I never did anything too stupid and ruined my life.

When I got to university, suddenly, I was thrown into this world with boys. I went to a girls school for ten of my thirteen years of schooling, so, even sitting next to a boy in biology was daunting at first. I have heard way too many stories about MSA marriages, which made me shun out the guys from our Islamic Society. But I thought of non-Muslim boys as 'non-potentials' - and I remember a friend suggesting that I have more guy friends to make me feel comfortable around them - so, by the end of second year, I had a few guy friends that I could so easily share jokes, lunch, advices and secrets with. I remember getting a disappointed shake of the head once, from a guy I recognised from our MSA. I felt a little guilty about laughing so loudly with the friend that I was with, but my mind immediately turned it around and blamed him for passing off unsolicited judgement from ten feet away. (My parents must've recognised my swooning attitude, because I remember, quite early on in my university life, they told me not to even think about marriage before I finished it. Being the stubborn idiot I was, I also made a mental note to keep studying as long as I can, so that they regret saying that. I actually am studying for much longer than I intended. But this is independent of that mental note!)

Around that time, I had also started to work on a project with a Muslim guy I knew. My female Muslim friends teased the living daylight out of me, to the point where I began to hyperventilate before every meeting.  The worst part was, I have asked all of those girls to help me in the project, which meant that at least one of them was present in one meeting or another. To this day, I can't work on that project without having flashbacks of the cringe-worthy immaturity. I later realised why they did that - two out of three of them were considering marriage as a serious option at that time, and one of them is married with a child now. Their life focus was entirely different to what my focus at that time should have been.

In third year, I got entangled in some of my friends' guy problems, and became good friends with some of their fiances. That's when I realised that I make a very good third wheel and I got along with guys better than girls. But then, being a third wheel got too hard and relating to guys better than girls became problematic in many ways. Around this time, I have lost a lot of things I used to romanticise before. Marriage no longer seemed like a solution, it seemed to be part of a solution which created a whole lot of new problems. I also realised that my prince charming would be no prince, he will be someone like one of these ordinary boys with ordinary flaws. Being a third wheel also taught me how cringe-worthy couples can be, which made me lose the rest of my appreciation for idealistic romance.

This year, things have changed yet again. I hardly talk to or see any of the guys from the past few years. I have realised that I am not really sure which direction I want my life to head and that I can't exactly wait for someone to come and show me the way. I have to figure it out myself. I have to figure out what line of career I will go down in, what aspects of Islam I will learn about and how to spend my days in the most productive way. No one else will live my life for me, so I might as well make the most of it.

Running away

"Sometimes he stood back back at a distance and watched her the way you'd stare at a butterfly that you'd only known as a caterpillar, wondering how the hell change could be that dramatic."

From 'Nineteen Minutes'

Feeling positive - 2

I think some people generally think 'truth' and 'comfort' are mutually exclusive. You cannot live in comfort if you want to live by truth, and you must not be living by truth if you find some comfort in it. The people on the other end of the spectrum seems to think that truth is variable, what you believe to be true is the truth and so there can be multiple truths. The problem with this latter line of thinking is that it caters for conflicting ideas to co-exist, which doesn't really make sense. Some things are just hard and fast facts and whether one person believes them or not, they are true - e.g.: no matter how much one may want to deny death, they will experience it. Death for all living beings is an universal truth.

Although, that latter line of thinking does have an element of truth (:P) in it. We consider what we perceive to be true as well, although, our perception might be different to someone else's. For example, That cup of coffee I had this morning tasted divine to me, but I'm pretty sure my mum wouldn't share the same feelings towards it. Even though we are both experiencing the same physical thing, we interpret it differently, and that doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. But I suppose this wouldn't come under 'universal truths'.

However, some people tend to think that universal truths are never comfortable. Which is the source of the thought that religion was invented for comfort, I suppose. Although, I think that has an element of truth in it, its not entirely right. We need comfort to survive. If there is a guideline to live, it must provide some sort of comfort right? Otherwise, how is it a 'guideline' for living if we can't sustain it?

But the problem occurs when this idea of comfort is taken too far. When the original guideline has bits and pieces cut out from it because certain human beings and certain times perceive it to be unsustainable. This is problematic because this goes against the whole purpose of a religion - that there is a Higher Power which knows what is best for His creations.

So, before a person has complete faith in a system, they must logically 'believe' in it. If it doesn't logically make sense, there is no point in blindly following. But, if it logically makes sense, then its not really 'blindly following', its trusting a system that knows better than you. E.g.: When people 'trust' science, this is what they're doing. When you 'trust' Allah, this is what you're doing too.

Islam says that I need to be aware of the truth, I need to fight for justice, I need to struggle to implement the right things in my life. But Islam also says that Allah is Al-Kareem - the Being that gives even more than I deserve; that He is Al-Wadood - the Being that loves me the most; that He is Ar-Rahman - the Being with mercy that has no limits. Islam says that I need to try my best in this world, yes, but it also says that my reward is some place that will eternally be interesting in the best possible way.

So, because I have based my faith in Allah in logic, that line of thinking is perfectly logical to me. I don't believe that 'truth' and 'comfort' are mutually exclusive.

Feeling positive -1

A friend of mine used to say that him and his best friend would frequently wonder how most people in the world are stupid. They marveled at those who thought about the world, its people and their destructiveness, made fun of people who weren't as thoughtful, or expressive about their deep thoughts; basically - anyone who weren't at their level of intellectualism would be a victim of being labelled as 'stupid'. It makes sense. I roll my eyes at those who are obsessed with make-up, non-existent rolls of fat, being rich just for the sake of being rich, aren't able to eat food that's been in the fridge for a day or two so they throw it out without flinching- and many, many more types of people. The list seems to keep getting longer and longer. The problem with spending a lot of time hating is that you lose time that you could have used to love. I don't think I can ever fully respect people in the above list, but if I keep thinking about them, all the time, I will forget about the people I do respect and love. 

Train thoughts

When you feel extremely angry and all you want to do is throw your limbs around and break as many things as you can, then somebody really strong hugs you tight, holds you to their chest, wraps their arms around you so that you can no longer move - even though you still feel angry, you know that you are safe from harm, you know that you are protected and loved, and even though on the surface you may feel frustration at your temporary inability to move, deep inside, you secretly know that you are better off, .

This is how I feel about Allah every now and then. He is that best friend that loves and cares for me more than anyone else does, and He knows what is best for me. When I rebel against Him, I feel like a little kid rebelling against things that are futile, like, waking up from an afternoon nap and being angry because its not morning. He knows exactly every detail of myself, and the best way to live is to admit that I have no power except the power that He gives me. So, I don't really have to confine myself to how others define me. And I can't really be arrogant about all the things I can do, because that will be like that delusional child. I can dream about the future, live for today and pray like there's no tomorrow.

When friends get old and moons get blue

NC and I met up for coffee, after probably a year or so. The last time we 'properly' met up was before her sister got married, before I lost some friends who I thought understood me very well, before I gained and lost direction of where the world is going, before things that gave me hope stopped giving me hope. I was quite excited about life I suppose. Which is why I was a bit nervous about meeting up with her again, after so much has changed. But it was great - it was as if I was really listening to what she has to say, for the first time.

She asked me what I think it means to be an adult. She said she knows someone who said it means to be able to survive in any situation. She said she thinks it means to be take responsibility for your own actions. I tried to think of a better definition, but I couldn't. Although, realistically, it's hard to define what 'your own actions' are. It's hard to realise what you are responsible for and what not. Or maybe it's just hard for me because I haven't become enough of an adult yet.

I finished reading 'The Fault in our Stars' in less than 48 hours, including all the things that I needed to do in those hours - eat, sleep, pray, earn money, go to uni, catch up with friends. What makes this book amazing is what makes any other piece of literary work amazing to me - the ability of the author to see something from a perspective I haven't been able to see it from before. The ability to surprise, the ability to string together ordinary words in an extraordinary way.

I think I get bored pretty easily. But then, little things amaze me. I never know how to answer questions related to this in psychological questionnaires. I think I'd get bored of myself if I knew myself as someone else. I suppose I get bored of people who are too introspective and don't really care about the rest of the world. But I also don't like it when people try to drill it in themselves that they have to care about the rest of the world, even though they are selfish at heart, in which case they care about the world out of their own selfishness. But this made me realise again that we are all selfish, and the best thing to be selfish about is Jannah. But sometimes I get so far from striving for Jannah that I lose my direction and become selfish for the wrong cause.

I caught up with another friend yesterday, and I was talking about how it seems to me that the root of problems in our current world seems to be at the political level, so we should probably work to solve the problem from that level. The question is how that should be done. The friend said that it will be better if we try to solve the problem scientifically, so, for example, instead of putting money into fighting wars for oil, it would be better if people put money into research on an alternative source of energy. And then we talked about how charities that only satisfy the basic needs of people is a way to make the donors feel good, rather than being much useful. Which is true to a great extent, but then, we can't exactly ignore these very short term needs either.

Another thing that was said was: instead of constantly feeling gloomy about a terrible situation that is taking place on the opposite side of the world, I'd rather focus on what I can do to solve the problem. Here's another thing that's wrong with some of the people I'm around most of the time - they feel sad, depressed, hopeless and bitter about the world. But what do they do about it? They make people aware, yes, but what else? How are they themselves moving forward? I don't know. But, I'd rather not turn into a sad, depressed, hopeless and bitter person who has nothing to offer to the world except slashing words.

I suppose I need to return to my mantra: balance.

I was blind and heartbroken and didn't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted, 'I have wonderful news!' And I was like, 'I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now,' and Gus said, 'This is wonderful news you want to hear,' and I asked him, 'Fine, what is it?' and he said, 'You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments you cannot even imagine yet!'

Also, John Green makes me want to start reading poetry again.

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

PS: Tonight is a blue moon moonlit night.

sometimes

my mind wonders to a place I never knew existed
it walks around in lightless darkness until its feet are blistered
puzzle pieces are scattered all around the concrete floor
they make no sense, don't fit together, but, appear more and more
it cannot fathom where the walls are, what direction it will face
it stumbles on some unformed thoughts, then, my mind begins to race

Ingrid Michaelson

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the pain chips off the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you in, and chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

2nd of Shawwal

Things have changed quite a bit. I don't like dressing up in pretty clothes as much as I used to before. If I could have it my way, I would wake up with a t-shirt and trackies, find a cup of perfectly made coffee on my bed-side table, sip on it and read.

I think the reason why I don't like dressing up as much as before is that I realised I will never be entirely satisfied with the way I look if I make it a goal to 'look good'. I can look 'good enough' in about ten minutes, but being entirely happy with every aspect of my appearance is quite impossible. Its also a huge waste of time because its impossible to reach that particular goal, so you'd be miserable by the end of it anyway. I don't know whether any girl is ever completely happy with the way they look once they start obsessing over it. Best solution is to not obsess over something that is not worth obsessing over.

I have a horrible habit of not replying to messages, to the point where people might start thinking I am really rude. I tried to get rid of it last Ramadan, but my mind obviously didn't think it was a goal worth achieving. -.-

I should stop procrastinating and go do something useful.

Matrices

A few days ago, a facebook friend posted a report about a political injustice happening in Bangladesh. Then another friend of his and I had a facebook fight about the legitimacy of reports etc, with him believing a lot of the bs that bengali media throws out, and me trying to prove my point that they are indeed a load of bs. At one point, he questioned my premise of 'truth' quite mockingly - "How do we know what truth is? Maybe we're living in a matrix?" Interestingly, even though he was joking, it has an element of truth in it. What IS the truth and how do we know it? What if your perception of the truth isn't really truth?

The way we know what truth is is through our inherent ability to understand logic. And truth is what we believe to be true, right? So, I say that I logically believe in one All Powerful Being - Allah. (P.S: Ask me what the logic is next time you see me. :P). And everything else that I 'believe' flows from that one logical belief. Which makes sense, because people who 'believe' in modern science only, thinks that whatever you can perceive with your physical senses are 'truth' -- that is their starting point of their logic, and every other belief flows from that.

Anyway, so, from my belief, I know that everything- everything in life is a test and/or a blessing. So, in essence, we might actually be living in something like a matrix. In relation to me, everything else is a test/blessing. So, everything else is part of the matrix. In relation to you, I am a part of it. However I treat you is not controlled by you, so if you think of me as just another part of a matrix, then all you need to do is figure out how you should treat me, and vice versa. The catch is to not take this metaphor too far and actually believe that its okay to jump off a roof because you can bend a spoon, because they aren't really there. :P

Tying camels and burning bridges

I was quite excited for Ramadan to begin this year. I am experimenting with a few things this year and so I am interested in seeing what the results will be at the end of the month. There are a few really useful tools by ProductiveRamadan which helps in keeping plans and reviews structured. I know it has only been four days so far, but I think I've already decided that I'll use the taskinator even after Ramadan. The other reason why I am excited is that I am trying to grasp the concept of stopping thinking about what my abilities are and what category of personality I fit into, and removing all sense of limits from my mind, because Allah's ability is limitless and everything comes from Him. If anyone is able to fully understand and live by this line of thought, they would be quite happy and successful. This needs to be done with the correct intention and carefully steering clear of delusions, ie: not sleeping for a week and functioning well is possible because anything is possible by Allah. Yes, anything is possible, but Allah wants us to tie our camels!

I have a box full of diaries filled with my innermost thoughts. I write in a diary when I have something to sort out in my mind by myself. When I have my thoughts down on paper, I can rearrange things easily and make sense out of what seemed like a ball of fuzz. I'm assuming we all have moments when all we feel like doing is ranting out the most absurd things and screaming our heads off. I usually do it on paper, so that I don't chuck a fit at someone else and hurt them, which is very easy to do when we are feeling negatively emotional. I liked doing that with certain people sometimes too, people who are very non-judgmental and work as a 'wall' (as NS described it). But then, I realised, as soon as I have such conversations online, they are written in a space that isn't mine, and are no longer confined to staying in the past. Which is why I prefer the diary method much better now. But the problem is - things in there are for my eyes, and my eyes only. I am wondering whether I should burn them, because I can't really guarantee that they will not fall in someone else's hands. And anything that isn't in your control but is supposed to be in your control isn't healthy for your state of mind. But then, I don't want to just burn away years and years of thoughts! I think I started writing a diary pretty properly since I was 13 - which means I have 9 year's worth of stuff. But then, is it really worth anything if all it'll do is bring about more negativity? Isn't it better to burn bad bridges?

Scattered thoughts

I am really, really cold. Z is playing with household objects. I think I could do with a nice cup of coffee, or a well made cup of tea. But I'm too cold. I woke up with a sore throat. The rest of my family is at this weekend's Al Kauthar course. I missed out because I didn't sign up on before the tickets were sold out. Some days, some minor things seem like they are the most annoying things in the world. Like, this morning, when everyone was busy in the kitchen, their voices seemed like sharp knives in my ear. There was no particular reason for this to happen. 

I would like a cup of coffee, but I don't feel too enthusiastic about going and making one because I know that Z would throw a tantrum when I refuse to let her take a sip. I'm thinking of buying matching mugs for the two of us. I can make coffee in mine and she can drink milk in hers. Mine can be the normal sized one and hers can be an espresso cup. I'll have to find a perfect set though.

Z needs changing out of her pj's. 

Ramadan in 2 days!

Things

Today was a really busy day and I'm assuming tomorrow will be one too. We have our annual Ramadan workshop on Sunday. We usually leave the focus group quite wide, but this time, we decided to keep to high school students, and move to an entirely new location. We are doing quite a few things that we haven't done before, so it would be interesting to see the results. But, next time, I really do need to finish everything a week before, instead of a day before. MM keeps reminding me of this gently (as gently as is possible) every time I need to schedule people in for IAW. I really do need to stop with this delaying things till last minute sometime.

My current favourite thing in the world is 'Everything is Illuminated' by Jonathan Safran Foer. He is one of those writers that seem to know you inside out and then take that knowledge and illustrate it through a very specific situation (a situation that you otherwise would not be able to relate to at all). I love the way he manipulates his words to give a perfect picture but in a way that you wouldn't think of. I love the fact that he makes you feel things - smile, laugh and cry - purely with words. Its poetry in the form of a novel.

I wish I had more hours in a day.

A quite confusing post

A friend of mine has recently been reminding of how I was like a few years back. Not sure whether funny or tragic, but I honestly cannot remember how to be like that version of me. In fact, I probably am so confused about myself right now, that at this point, I don't know how to be any version of anyone. But, MM said something to me the other day - if you can free yourself of labels, you will realise that those labels don't define you. You don't have to be a particular way in order to be yourself. But in saying that, if you have no sense of standards, you begin to lose yourself. Its a hard balance to strike.

Speaking of striking a balance between things - figuring out just how much to care about what people say. You need to care about it a particular amount if you want to live in a civilised society, but you cannot care about it too much if you want to be yourself. The solution is to stick to your values like a parasite. I wish I could, though. Sometimes, I feel like I have everything figured out. I know exactly what I am doing and exactly how to do it. And then, there are times like these, when I try to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. 

I just watched a movie called Silver Lining Playbook. Its about two people with psychological disorders trying to keep going with their lives. In their heads, whatever they are doing and going through are perfectly logical. They feel like everyone else is living a lie and they are the ones who are completely honest with themselves. Most people treat them differently - with fear and confusion. It made me think - we all have a certain amount of 'craziness' within ourselves. Its only diagnosed as a disorder when it impedes daily life or harms the society in some way. It also reminded me of this quote: We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. So basically, two ideas: the fact that characteristics are in a continuum and we all lie somewhere in them, its only when you are too far into the continuum of a few chosen ones that you are considered to have a disorder. And love.

I don't think my crazy side has seen daylight with anyone or anything except for some diary pages. But, if I had to choose a person who knows that side of me the most, it would be my sisters. I think I scare her sometimes. I don't think its such a bad thing to hide away most of one's craziness. It gets in the way of living as a sensible, responsible global citizen. :)

Mind games

At this particular point in time, nothing matters except the soft rays of sun on your face. Nothing matters except the water droplets on your hair. Your thoughts can untangle themselves in another hour. All of your responsibilities can come knocking at your door this afternoon, even. But, right now, just close your eyes, and forget.

Things that piss me off #2

- Inconsiderate people
- When someone else expects me to be inconsiderate towards someone else in order to be considerate towards them.
- Screaming/shouting
- Headaches that result from hearing people scream and shout about petty things
- To-do lists (although its growing nature saddens me rather than pisses me off)

Now that that's off my chest, I can go study statistics. 

The kid who stole my heart

Z turned one on the 2nd of June. She can now eat, drink, stand up by herself, almost get off the bed, walk while holding onto things, pretend to read books and almost say my name. I look after her three days a week and it makes me go through a whole lot of emotions and thought processes. Some days I feel like a pro, some days I wonder how I can ever think of having kids. But most days, its fun. I make up silly songs and we dance. I sip on my coffee while she munches on her biscuit. We share a glass of milk. We pretend to beat drums with pots and pans. I hang up the washing and she plays with pegs, or crawls around on the grass, or chases ants on the porch. I work or study, and she flicks through her books. She wakes up from her naps and cries a little, then calms down when I wrap my arms around her. When she's tired, she lays her head on me, then slowly drifts to sleep as I walk around with her. Of course its not always like that - sometimes I walk around for about half an hour or more, only to look at her and be met with a giggle. Then I feel like just turning everything off and eating chocolate.

Her kisses are rare and special, but I ask her to 'give me a kissie' quite frequently - just to take my chances! She does give out flying kisses though, to random strangers as well. She loves playing with pens and markers, drinking out of a cup and banging things. When she sees a hair brush, she picks it up and pretends to brush her hair. She copies us when we cough, then we copy her, then she copies us again, and it turns into a little game that ends up in giggles. Sometimes, she just lays her head against me, and stays there for a while.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone, or had as much fun with anyone, as Z. She warms up my heart.

Here's what Z has to say to you lot:

r r,z            k  09kep0deocd  nnj jr l jksx   k    cx

Reminiscing

When ma goes away for a few days, the rest of the family starts living like housemates. Everyone is free to have their own plans, eat and drink whatever they want, keep things as messy or as clean as they'd like - we don't really care all that much. I suppose its awesome when its only for two days. But if we have to live like this for months, I don't think we'd survive. Ma keeps this family glued together.

I remember this time last year - I was knee deep in other people's dramas. Its funny - the dramas have all left my life right now, or maybe those people left? Or maybe I left? I'm not quite sure, but I am definitely quite far from drama nowadays. A few days later from today last year, I would have crashed my parents' car. At that time, we had two cars in our family of seven working adults. One of the cars were mostly used by ma and baba. So, I, along with the other kids of the family, drove the other car. I drove it for about 3 weeks after getting my red Ps. In those three weeks - I drove it to work at night with the radio playing high, exercised road rage, missed collisions by inches, remained lazy (driving to work meant that it cut down my travel time to about 15 mins instead of 45 mins, but I can't remember a day that I used that extra half an hour productively).

The night that I crashed the car - I was listening to the radio - Brokenhearted by Karmin was playing. It was either raining, or the road was wet from the rain from before. I was on my way back from tutoring a year 12 student. She was a new student, so I didn't know my way back from her house completely. I crossed the road, got inside the car, turned it on, turned the volume up, began driving, reached for my phone and started setting the GPS. I turned around at the end of the very short road, looked down at my GPS- and then it happened. My face was on the wheel, the music stopped and I had that tight feeling inside me. All I wanted to do was to back out and drive away. It never occurred to my arrogant self that I could possibly crash that badly. I got out of the car feeling very lost. People from the houses nearby came out. I can't remember whether I called my dad or he called me - or was it my brother? But I remember not wanting to call my mother and tell her about it, ever. I crashed it into a tree in front of an old couple's house. They came out and asked me what happened. The man called me a 'stupid girl' (very rightly so!), the woman gave me a glass of water, I realised my nose was bleeding. The woman dropped me home. I was feeling shaken, embarrassed, stupid and very, very regretful. I don't think I've ever felt that much regret in my life.

My parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Nothing happened alhamdulillah, but something could have definitely happened. I didn't even take a good look at the car, but my student later told me about its condition. I was also told that the battery could have blown up, because the engine was squashed by the tree - I could have died. The next day, I tried to arrange for the car to be picked up by a car dealer my dad knows. The day after, the police came knocking on my door. They told me that someone called up and reported about the car, charged me for wreckless driving and told me that if I don't get it picked up soon, the police will do so. I kept chasing up the guy we know, but he didn't end up doing his job on time, so I got charged double by the police. Another stab of regret.

I think this happened after my first exam. I still had three left. I couldn't study, I felt numb, guilty. I didn't know how to make it up to my family. My grandma was here at that time, and Z was born a week or two before the crash. B was supposed to take the car with him a few weeks after that, because he moved out a few weeks before - moved out for the first time. I didn't really tell any of my friends about the crash in so much detail, because I hadn't yet processed it in my mind. I did not attempt one of the exams, and scraped past the other two. I kind of stopped caring about university at that point - my friends were going through horrible changes, I had to somehow pay off everything to do with the car, work was getting bad, my sleeping was all over the place, I got physically sick, and nanu was still over at our place - so I still needed to make sure I smiled. I know people who have gone through much worse, so, alhamdulillah that that was one of the lowest points in my life.

I quit ABA therapy a few months after that. The progress of the kids plateaued and I had no idea how to fix it. I wasn't sure if I was doing everything right and I constantly felt like the parents were wasting their money by paying me. All the money that I had saved had gone behind the car. I had to start over. I can't remember much of university from my second semester, except for psychopathology classes. I started the semester by caring about things, and ended it by giving up. I began to avoid the people I used to do group studying with, because I never did much of my part. That was the time that I went through a lot of changes about my world view as well. I did a lot of thinking about my thinking and changed the way I thought. That happens all throughout your life, and I record mine in this blog, yes, but, during that time, big changes were quite condensed into a few months or so.

So, what have I learnt by reminiscing?
- To be more forgiving and merciful to others. I don't know what they are going through, I can try to understand, but I can never fully put myself in their shoes. I have made several wrong decisions during those months, but I needed to sort through them myself. Being judged by someone else would have never helped.
- To remember that I can die at any time, but Allah has given me a chance, and is still giving me that chance. I will get that second chance till my last breath. But I don't know when my last breath will come. I need to plan for the future and work on the present.
- To stop going hard and soft on myself and just stick to neutrality. If I make a mistake, I need to come up with a strategy to bounce back and move forward. Balance.
- To stop wasting my life by complaining, watching stupid TV shows or feeling sorry for myself.
- Life is too short to care about what I think what other people are thinking. But life can possibly be too long to take spontaneous decisions that will affect me/someone else negatively for a very long time. 

Days like this

The sky seems like it will rain at any moment. I have a heap of clothes that need to be handwashed. My room needs to be cleaned. Z's toys are everywhere. Kitchen needs to be cleared out. I need to reply back to some emails and messages. I planned to exercise today... must motivate myself to do so sometime. There are some things that my mum wants me to do that needs to be done. Z needs to be fed. I need to call up Vodaphone again. I heard about a man who looked through 800 dead bodies just to find his daughter, after which, he was able to claim 20, 000 taka from the government. Aid money isn't reaching those people because of the corruption. Rape rates are sky rocketing in Syria. Max Brenner is opening up at my uni and allowing consumerism to further consume up humanity.

On days like this, I feel like shutting off from the world - not picking up the phone, not checking my emails, not reading the news, not remember that I have a live baby in my care. I feel like curling up with a cup of coffee and forget that I need to keep fighting my battles, no matter how small they are.