Convictions, Sharpnesses and Blehs

angered faces
Originally uploaded by Mirar_Mirror

Rimo says there's 21 days till doomsday.

Things I still need to do:
- Finish my analysis of At Mornington
- Takes notes on, start analysing AND finish analysing A Valediction, Sharpness of Death, Triste Triste
- Take notes on 3rd text for H&M essay and fix it up
- Fix up my pathetic story for paper 1
- A lot of Q 6&7s from maths extension 1
- A lot of papers for maths extension 2
- Go through the list of things to do for chem and actually do them
- Keep doing chem papers
- Go through everything for eco
- Get info on eco stats
- Re-write essay on China and memorise

All of these must be done in the next week. If M's predicted ATAR is 94-95, mine is not going to be higher.

People I do not want to disappoint: (Maybe its a bit too late, but working my backside off for the next 2 weeks might be worth a shot.)
- Ma
- Ma
- Ma
- Ma
- Ma
- Baba
- Steve
- Apuni and Bhaiyun

People whose smirks I would like to wipe off with a great ATAR:
- ******
- *****

But I think they'll get a better ATAR than me anyway.

Things I have to do after HSC:
- Lose 10 kgs
- Get a job and earn $$$
- Learn to drive
- Learn to cook, and bake more than just basic cakes
- Learn to sew
- Make video clips for my favourite songs that do not have video clips yet
- Take + edit photos to my heart's content
....
...
..

The list goes on.

I slept for about 13 hours yesterday.

Things I would like to change about myself:
- My inconsistency
- My lack of time management
- My lack of organisation
- My inability to hide my annoyance when needed

My mother is everything I'm not. I wouldn't like to change myself to completely be like her. I wish I had all the qualities that she has, AND all the good things I like about myself.

My graduation is on Friday. I will be graduating from high school. I will be beyond the boundaries and limitations of school. Yet I do not feel a thing. I just want to get this over and done with and get out of this place ASAP.

I just want to go home and eat.

Yes, today is one of those days. I think I am pms-ing. EVERYBODY is annoying me.

"You're in the hands of philosophers
who cut themselves, and bleed,
and know that knives are sharp,
but prove with complex logic
there's no such thing as sharpness."

I love making prank calls.

Another thing to do after HSC: BURN stuff.

I should go.

H.S.C

I'm. Just. So. Tired. Of. It. All.

I learnt the truth on the 17th

Yesterday may have been the night.

I woke up this morning and saw that everything was covered in mist. The sun was not as bright as it usually is. Its still quite a comfortable temperature. So yesterday may have been the night.

And I spent most of it sleeping.

I hate feeling regretful, yet I bring it upon me over and over again. HSC is only a month away now, yet I have so many things to do I doubt I'll be able to finish. I'm still wasting time. It'll hit me on the 16th of December. I know this for a fact but why am I still heedless to it?

দলা পাকানো কাগজ ও চুমোয় ভরা মগজ নিয়ে ঘুমোও,
মেঘের বেগে রেগে গিয়ে অসম্ভবের সম্ভাবনা ড্রিমাও,
তাও না হলে কাওকে বলে বিষন্নতার ছলে বসে ঝিমাও,
বা অন্য কিছু ধন্য করার আশায় মাথায় চিন্তা ঠাসা থামাও।

ইচ্ছে করছে বিষন্নতার ছলে বসে ঝিমাইতে। ধুর!

Despair

According to Rimo, I now have 38 days till HSC.

According to the blue Ramadan calendar on my wall, I have 7-8 days of Ramadan.

According to the ways of the world, I might not have a second more to live.

I must get back to 2001 extension 2 maths past paper. But here is one of my favourite songs:

Smile in the two- way mirror of my eyes
I put on my faith like I wear a disguise
You can’t see my soul
See the life that I live
Show you the mask of the best I can give
I’ve hid here afraid like a child behind.
Truth of my thoughts that clutter my mind.
What if you knew about all that I do?
Things that I think,
The me that is true.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

I’ve been looking for answers since becoming an adult
Not looking for dogma to live like a cult
I’ve been looking to live,
I’ve been living to find
Freedom from cages that limit my mind.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

Will I scare you, upset you, frustrate you, irate you?
Challenge a lifestyle or weaken your trust
Or will you see my efforts and my passionate sincerity
Would you see just a little of yourself in me
Will you take off your mask so we can both be free.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

Words flowing out like rain... from my overwhelmed brain

The Optus countdown timer that comes up when you type 'HSC Countdown' in Google tells me I have 36 days 18 hours 58 minutes and 33.. 32.. 31 (this is really scary) seconds left. Signing in to Facebook frequently reminds me that there are 19.. 18.. 17 days till the end of school. I have been telling myself that HSC is 'just a stepping stone to the rest of this life' - Ms Ackers' words of advice. I also realise that there are more important things in life, like having a good character and a strong personality. Yet, when all those reminders constantly hover on my face, its a little hard to do so. UMAT results should be coming out soon and deadlines for university application forms and scholarship forms are getting closer. I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I wish life would slow down a tad bit so that I can catch up.

In the midst of it all, Ramadan is passing incredibly fast. Today is already the 21st day and it feels like it only started. Eid would be on the Sunday or the Monday week. Before that, one of these days, contains the most blessed night of the year. I really hope I can get it. It's a chance to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Maybe that'll be the night that'll speed me up so that I can keep up with life. My heart has long turned back towards the nitty gritties of the world, so the result of all the hard work to become a better person is slowly disintegrating. In the beginning of Ramadan, I felt that my perceptions are clearing. I could see this life on a holistic level and place all the pieces in their right places. I had my priorities set clearly and I attempted to stick to them. But right now, I feel far, far away from that peaceful place. I'm sinking again.

I think we are getting closer to the end. One of the signs is that days seem shorter and shorter because there are so many things to do. This is quite clearly evident. Here are some more:

Qiyamah will come when...

Hadhrat Abu Musa Ash'ari (R.A.) narrates that Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhii Wassallam) said, "Qiyamah will come...

When it will be regarded as a shame to act on Quranic injunctions. (quite obvious, no?)

When untrustworthy people will be regarded as trustworthy and the trustworthy will be regarded as untrustworthy. (people say this is the rule of the world!)

When it will be hot in winter. (I think we experienced it quite frequently this winter here in Australia)

When the length of days is stretched, i.e. a journey of a few days is covered in a matter of hours. (and it still seems so long!)

When orators and lecturers lie openly.

When people dispute over petty issues.

When women with children come displeased on account of them bearing offspring, and barren women remain happy on account of having no responsibility of offspring.

When oppression, jealousy, and greed become the order of the day.

When people blatantly follow their passions and whims.

When lies prevail over the truth.

When violence, bloodshed and anarchy become common.

When immorality overtakes shamelessness and is perpetrated publicly.

When legislation matters pertaining to Deen is handed over to the worst elements of the Ummat, and if people accept them and are satisfied with their findings, then such persons will not smell the fragrance of Jannat.

When the offspring become a cause of grief and anger (for their parents).

The following is part of a lengthy Hadith narrated by Hadhrat Abdullah Ibn Mas'ood (R.A.) when he inquired from Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) about the Signs of Qiyamah. (The current world is unfortunate to have met all the requirements!

Music and musical instruments will be found in every home.

People will indulge in homosexuality.

There will be an abundance of illegitimate children.

There will be an abundance of critics, tale-carriers, back- biters and taunters in society.

People will establish ties with strangers and sever relations with their near and dear ones.

Hypocrites will be in control of the affairs of the community and evil, immoral people will be at the helm of business establishments.

The Masjid will be decorated, but the hearts of the people will be devoid of guidance.

The courtyards of Masjids will be built beautifully and high mimbars (pulpits) will be erected.

Gangsters and evil people will prevail.

Various wines will be consumed excessively.

I don't know how many of the 6,706,993,152 people in our world read my blog, or believe in what I say. We have become so cynical that it is almost impossible to just 'believe'. I wish things would change. I wish I was different. Different and strong.

Cliches (also called Chocolate Bars)

I want to sing and dance away on a moonlit night
I want to promise you that we would never ever fight
I wish we could lie on grass and stare up at the sky
And wipe away the tears if they challenged us to cry
I want to catch the raindrops with my berry flavoured lips
I wish we had a swimming pool for late night skinny dips.
We could shiver with mixed emotions under a billion stars
And pretend that our endless love was enough to stop all wars.
I wish we had a lot of money in our tiny hands
Then we could travel round the world and holiday on nice islands
And you could buy me the perfect white gold diamond ring
And I could believe I was queen and you were king.
Then we would never have to study chemistry or physics
We could defy the laws of gravity and live our life on tricks
I could rummage my own brain instead of copying Keats
And we would enjoy a cup of coffee in our personalised love seats.
All the people that keep telling us we are futureless losers
Can become confused, depressed, trashy, psychotic old boozers.
We could point at them and laugh because they would look like clowns.
And then get on a roller-coaster to feel life's ups and downs.
And everything that's uninvited could get stuffed in planet Mars
While we imagine the infinite ways our life could taste like chocolate bars.

---

I wrote this poem on the 11th of May, spontaneously, within about 20 minutes. That's why it sounds cheap and corny.



PS: I like my new layout.
PPS: There is 38 odd days till HSC.
PPPS: 'Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn' took a new meaning yesterday.
PPPPS: Who needs drugs if she had enough uppers and downers in her head?
PPPPPS: 09.09.09

4th of May - Taslima Nasreen and I

I wrote this post on 04/05/09, but never got around to posting it. I just read over it again and am fascinated by these thoughts. Why do I not contemplate on my own contemplation and implement changes in my life? :S

---




I’ve read about 30 pages of ‘Meyebela’ and I am already beginning to understand how dangerous Taslima Nasreen is. From the moment I started reading it, I loved her writing style – she uses simple words and relatable examples to create a very clear picture of her life. She makes insignificant events seem incredibly interesting. She builds up the characters gradually and gives them life with every word. Basically, she is one of those exceptionally talented writers who can imprison readers in their work of art.
She is also extremely ignorant. She makes simple observations about the things around her and comes to conclusion using solely her own opinion. As I was reading the autobiography, I knew something was wrong with it, but I could not place my finger on exactly what was wrong. B cleared the confusion. He said, creativity is great, but when a person can’t distinguish between creativity and reality, that is when the problem begins. In this case, using her own opinion to come to a conclusion may be very creative, but, she lacks factual information about very serious topics to actually deserve to come to a conclusion, thus, overlooking reality. She came from a very problematic family, which can spark a lot of character problems later in life. I was reading her book and subconsciously being very grateful for having such a close-knit, problem free family. Everyone in my family is very mature about life and considers all options before making drastic changes to themselves. So far, no one has made any changes too drastic; although I am sure we contemplated various things, various times. I am very lucky to be around people who consider the greater good before plunging towards immediate satisfaction. I also feel very sorry for her father. He came from a farmer’s family himself, and became a doctor, earned a lot of money after having hardship, and tried to provide the best for his children so that they would be successful in life. His stinginess was very normal, given his background. Yet, his children never appreciated what he did for them. I guess her mother was part of the wrong equation too; she often hid information from him and exemplified that to her children. It seems like they all hid a lot of things from each other and never communicated well. I am very, very glad that we communicate. I have seen so many relationships fall apart because of lack of a few exchange of words. Maybe that was the problem that triggered everything else in her life.
Steve was telling us to be grateful for what we have. I often forget that I have an amazing family, a healthy body and mind (mostly), some very respectable teachers, friends who I can lean on, a great education, more than enough food and water, a warm blanket, wardrobe full of clothes, Sydney’s million dollar sky to witness magnificent views everyday, an above average brain and Islam. Reading over that list again, I realised that this would probably be considered to be a perfect life by many. Then why am I not satisfied? I should be able to use all of those – everything I have to change the world to be a little better. My parents have seen hardship and gave us everything to not be hindered by poverty and lack of support in order to excel. It would be very ungrateful of me to just sit here and waste away my life. I always blame and joke about procrastination but it actually is becoming a real problem, when it should not even exist as a valid problem.

New Experiences (mostly within the past week)

1. Seeing a dead animal in the drain next to a main road, with hollow eyes.
2. Creating apple milkshake. Do NOT try at home.
3. Returning to facebook after 2 months.
4. Being able to save $17.10 without spending a cent in the process.
5. Walking around with a blanket.
6. Being 47 days away from the HSC.
7. Standing in the train all the way from Redfern to Blacktown.
8. Losing interest in MX.
9. Understanding every word of a British movie without subtitles.
10.Surprise virtual visit from Fran and Rimo.

I spent the past hour flicking through blogs I never knew existed. And realised that mine needs a makeover. You're right Fran, its way too pink. Year 8 outfits must be shed, and Year 12 must be donned. Whenever I can be bothered.