And then

ifeellikewritinganothersongandidohaveanideainmyheadbutithinkipackedmygreenbookinwhichiwritemysongsandpoemsinandyoumayaskwhyiamwritinglikethiswellirecentlyfeellikeilovemywordsmorethantheemptyspacesbetweenthemandiwishallmyheartbrokenfriendswouldhavetheirheartsfixedverysoon.

I started to like Zain Bikha recently.

Bared soul

Sometimes, I feel like God made this world specifically for me. Every single thing has been put in their places to show me something, to help me through life. For the past few days, I have been feeling awful. My heart and my outward actions have not been aligned. I felt like the biggest hypocrite on Earth, hitting my lowest point and spreading a big smile on my face at the same time. I felt so ungrateful, yet, when time came to be grateful, I forgot about it. After what seems like a very, very long time, I truly hated myself.

I got up yesterday morning, I told myself, my life will have to be turned around. And I can do so. I listened to the Qur'an, went to Tajweed and Arabic classes, talked about interesting and useful matters with Sum. But when the test came, I failed.

I got up this morning, and said the same. I read Quran. (Oh, the Arabic lessons are paying off. I recognised quite a few words today. Including 'door' - which I never would be able to guess from common sense.) I fell asleep, even though I told myself I can't. I got out of the house at about 9.30 to fulfill my commitments. On the way, I saw a lady in a wheelchair. She was crossing the road with me. SubhanAllah, the distance that took her about 30 seconds to cross took me about 5. I could cut across the road, I could run if a car comes to close, I could cross in the bumpiest parts and easily reach the other side safely. She had to wait to cross in the low sections especially designated for crossing, she could only go as far as her machine would take her, and had to give much more effort to go across curves. At one point, we crossed together. And for the first time in days, I felt completely grateful. My heart melted at the thought of how perfect God has made my body. I often complain about it, but, in reality, it is truly perfect. I have no diseases, no disabilities, nothing. Alhamdulillah.

And then, on the same day, today, I talked to a few of my friends. They are all going through some troubled times, each with a different problem. And I was thinking about how great my life is compared to theirs. We are all humans, we all have shared something in common very recently, but, my life has been made so much better! I have left the pressure and uncertainity of HSC behind, I have a beautiful, healthy family who stick together, helping each other out whenever someone is in need, I have so much support around me. Alhamdulillah.

The thing is, I can complain as much as I want about pretty much anything. But when I look at the positive side of life, I can't find anything to complain about. Life is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. I hope I can fulfill the purpose of my creation. Otherwise, this beautiful life will be a complete waste. Pray, so that I can learn from my mistakes.

Ups and Downs

How do you define who you are? What if someone very close to you constantly defines you? Constantly tells you who you are and what you are? What if it contradicts what you think of yourself? What if both definitions slowly become one?

I would like to think that I do certain things because I like it and because its good for both the world and myself. I wish everyone else, especially my closest people, would think the same way.

On a more cheery note, I met a random girl on the train today. We both got on the train thinking that it'll stop in a certain stop (both, coincidentally, the same stop), however, it did not. Its amazing how you meet someone who lives a completely different life and start talking to them like you have known each other forever. At first, it began as just 'hey, does this train stop at...?', 'I think it does!', 'Oops it doesn't, but hey, we're going to the same place so we can change trains together!'. Then it went to names, background, siblings to thoughts on different aspects of life! And it turned out that she's my age too! I met another girl in a similar manner a few weeks back. We both finished our exams and were waiting at the bus stop. The bus didn't come for a long time so we were looking for new ways to get back to the station. And we ended up talking about a lot of things, half of which I can't remember. Except, I do remember that I thoroughly enjoyed both encounters and conversations.

'To live, is an awfully big adventure!' (Peter Pan)

Words are so powerful. They can put you down lower than you have ever imagined, yet, they can lift you up too, higher than you ever thought possible. Alhamdulillah, words can flow out of my fingers and put my heart to rest. Which reminds me: Did you know that God sent each prophet to each nation according to their strengths? The people of Jesus were strong in medicine, therefore, Jesus had healing powers. Arabs wrote beautiful poetry, therefore, the Qur'an is so eloquent in its words.

I must leave.

Blanket.

I am beginning to realise that my mother is right. I really need to be a tad more organised if I want to keep doing the thousand things I signed myself up for. Currently, I am learning a language twice a week, going to Tajweed classes twice a week, teaching about five kids, packing all my possessions, watching The Big Bang Theory and reading up on the list of things I wanted to read up on. On top of that, there are chores, sleep, food, friends and facebook. I plan to continue these when uni starts again, even though I have no idea how exactly I plan to do that. I started to use the calendar on my phone more efficiently, and that is as far as I went in terms of being organised. My hair has turned into strings and is beginning to fall off my head once again. I think its about time I used my expensive organic shampoo and co. They were bought when I was struggling financially (I am still struggling financially) [MA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THAT WAS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY] so I think I should put them to good use. Except, Sydney has turned into Antarctica and all I want to do is wrap myself in my blanket and sleep until winter ends. Also, we finally decided to go solar for heating our water. Although the sun rises everyday, clouds are not very timely in their affairs. The water can go cold without warning. Another reason to be wrapped in my blanket and sleep.

I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

I was checking who visited my blog today, and found that someone from France googled something and found a post of mine from 2006. I read the post again and had a few thoughts rush into my mind straight away. 2006 seems too long ago. This was during my first reform after having a bad fall of the soul, when I was trying to stuff my life with as many things as I could. It was also right after the Amin sisters got married, which seems like an awfully long time ago, since they currently have five whole kids between them. Daggers is now nearly at the end of her university course and earning regularly. Back then, she just finished her HSC.

I felt like editing some photos today, so I rummaged through some old photos, and found this. It was taken at the end of 2008 or at the beginning of 2009. I went to visit my grandmother around that time - I even spent my new years eve there! The four other people that lived there went to bed at 8 pm that night. The rest of the family left the village a few days earlier, leaving me behind so that I would have some quite time to 'study'. Of course I got nothing done! Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is, I don't know who these kids are. I just know that they live near my grandmother's place. And I was out with the camera one day and saw that they were playing. I forgot what they were playing. I forgot most of the details, except, when I told them that I want to take some photos, they became so happy! They were crowding around the camera and became very amazed that you can see the photo straight away! I know a lot of things will change the next time I see them. Maybe some of the girls would be married, the boys sent off  to work. But I do hope that I get to see them and share some of these memories.


And one night, it was full moon. It was so beautiful!

When the night has come,
And the land is dark,
And the moon is the only light we'll see...
No I won't be afraid..
Oh no.. I.. won't be a-fraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me!


Yes, I recently watched Stand By Me. It's a very cute movie, and it reminded me of books that I used to read as a child - Jafor Iqbal books. I also watched Peter Pan recently, and started missing my pretend worlds very much! It told me that I just have to think happy thoughts, and it will lift me up into the air. One of my many favourite quotes?
Wendy: My parents wanted me to grow up. 
Captain Hook: Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples. 


Sorry about the fuzziness, if fuzziness annoys you.


P.S: The full moon photo was taken by my wonderful sister!