Sunday, November 07, 2010

Messy thoughts

At certain points in my life, all I want to do is sit and stare at a wall. This moment is one of many of those. There are just too many things piled up in my plate of studies and I really do not want to touch any of them. I wish I could start university all over again. No, I wish I could start this semester all over again. Last semester went fine. I was tutoring students, helping people, putting my bit in to make the world a better place, to make me a better person, earning money, donating, buying things. It was hard, yes, but I was living. I couldn't breath, often, but only because I did not have the time to. Right now, I often cannot breathe because I am suffocating. Suffocating in my nauseating life of climbing high and falling. Sum once said something along the lines of - everyone climbs up and falls. If you only climb tiny bumps, you have more chances of tripping frequently. If you climb large mountains, you fall a greater distance, but you only fall very occasionally. My life is not following that rule. Its climbing very large mountains then falling across great distances quite frequently. Hence, the nausea. I wish I could stop time and take everything just one step at a time, one very small step. But I can't. I have my last two exams in less than a week, and everything depends on these exams. The direction that my life will take depend on these very exams. It feels like I'm doing the HSC all over again. The only difference is, during HSC, my faith was somewhat high. I relied on my Creator to soothe my soul. Right now, with my bouncing faith, I feel too ashamed to do that. I know where this is coming from, but, I need time. I need time to settle my soul. And I don't have that. So, all I am doing is trying to forget about life and submerging myself in other things. But, at the back of my mind, I know that it is the wrong decision to make.

I really, really need a few days unravel my thoughts and start to live, all over again.

I took on some new responsibilities for the coming year. I must, I must figure myself out before that.

When your faith swings so much, one very damaging thing happens. You get used to it. You get used to swinging backwards while still smiling, because you do not want the people around you to feel the difference. You think you can fix it yourself. You try to fix it by swinging forward, just as hard. Only to be thwarted backwards moments later. The guilt builds up, and you suffocate in it.

I wish the world would leave my head, so that there was enough space for myself in it.

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