Beautyfullity

I ordered my Dell inspiron mini 10 yesterday. Yes, I am already refering to it as being 'mine', even though it has not been created yet. I already feel a deep sense of attachment to it, I guess its because it is the first huge thing that I am buying after working like crazy for the past few months. I have never been able to save up this much while I still had access to my money. Never! So yes - I'm bathing in a sense of accomplishment! (lol)

Alhamdulillah. InshaAllah, it should arrive here on or before 12th April, according to Dell. That is one thing crossed off my wish list. (yay!) Here are the other things on that mental wishlist:
- A pair of sunglasses (good quality, something that I would look good in, something that I will be able to wear for years)
- Huge, comfy, airy, square hijabs (maybe 4-5?)
- Ticket for climbing the Harbour Bridge during sunrise
- Ticket to a hot air baloon ride (possibly during sunset. It would be amazing to pray Maghrib up in the open air!)

Hopefully all of the above will be mine before I turn twenty-one. :D

Also - I discovered today that if I order six more coffees, I can get a free one from my regular place. However, I am a tad bit disappointed that they did not offer me the card before today, in which case, I probably would have already been able to enjoy my free coffee. So anyway, there I was, ordering my usual - small cuppaccino with two sugars, when I thought, why do I never order anything else? Of course, the answer is, I did not know the differences between any of the other coffees. Once I tried espresso without knowing what it was simply because it was the cheapest option available. I had to throw it out after three sips. Hence, I decided to help fellow confused self proclaimed coffee lovers by listing some of the common drinks:

- Cuppaccino: 1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, 1/3 froth.
- Latte: less coffee, less froth, more milk.
- Macchiato: coffee to milk ratio is 1:1. (hmm... I guess I can try this one too...)
- Flat white: something similar to latte.
- Long black: double shot of espresso with hot water. (never trying it, unless it is after two days of no sleep and constant work.)

I want to try and do some sort of course on making coffee and latte art. And then get a coffee maker. In the future, hopefully, inshaAllah. :)

Have you ever tried writing beautiful over and over again? It looks slightly weird, and far from beautiful. However, beautyful does not, for some reason. It has a floweryness to it. (Yes, floweryness looks better than floweriness, in my eyes). Life is beautyful. I hope more and more people start to see that it is. :)

Kids these days...

A typical weekday in my life should go something like this - wake up 10 minute-ish after alarm goes off, pray Fajr, ponder over what to wear for the day, have breakfast, run out and catch the train, university, work, home, pray Maghrib, dinner, Isha, sleeeeeep. On a typical day, I should not be able to see day light from home. On a typical day, I should be able to be so tired from the whole day that the hours in bed would be treasured like life. I made a timetable so that I can fit in everything I want in my life in a typical week. Its working, more or less. I know - its only been five days since I felt the glughbiness, but hey - that's how my life is. Its perfect for about five days and I start to think, life has always been like this! Anyway, 'tis a nice feeling. I guess its because I sort of sorted out the things I need to sort out, and the things that I haven't sorted out that needs to be sorted out are in a realistic plan to be sorted out.

:)

So anyway, I teach children at a coaching centre on Fridays and Saturdays. The Saturday kids stay in that centre pretty much 9-5 and do work, with hardly any breaks. These eight to eleven years olds just sit in a stuffy classroom, and do the work that they are given, mostly because their parents are pushing them to become geniuses. I teach them from about 1 pm to 4.30 pm, and I clearly see the deterioration of interest and energy in them. I try to make things as interesting as I possibly can, however, everything is tightly scheduled and I cannot give them any more than ten minute breaks within that time. It is absolutely horrible to see the torture that these kids go through - they are literally missing out on a childhood! Yesterday, before their weekly test, one of my ten year olds just sighed and said: I feel so stressed all the time. And it broke my heart. She's TEN! When I was ten, I was writing songs about happy suns! (Seriously, I even presented it in a Talent Quest at school, and my friends pretended that they didn't know me. I admit, it must've been very embarrassing, but at least I did not have anything to worry about in life. I might post it up someday...) There's another eight year old who just sits there quietly and does her work the whole time, even when her time is over. She waits for her sister in a room, all by herself, and finishes off her homework. She's so cute and chubby and hug-able that I feel like giving her a huge warm hug every time I see her. But work ethics prevent me from doing so. Stupid pedophiles, they make life hard with their unnatural, twisted ways of thinking. The world is just not innocent any more. Speaking of innocence and children - they are losing it, fast. When I was ten, I did not care how I looked like, did not know what the latest look is, did not wear branded clothes and did not own anything with straps, did not notice what everyone else wore. My ten year olds turn up every Saturday with amazing shoes and tasteful dresses clearly designed for people with a bit more curves than a ten year old is capable of having. Times have changed and I feel like an old lady. 

Speaking of oldness - I am turning twenty in exactly two weeks. (InshaAllah.) Two decades old, can you believe it? I feel like my eyes have sunken, skin has wrinkled, hair has fallen and bones have softened. (Which may also be due to lack of exercise, sleep, lotion and shampoo - but thats just details.) 

Feeling the glughb

After three days of constant rain, the sky now a brilliant blue with picturesque vanilla clouds. I think I have reached either the fourth of fifth stage of my circular life. I am feeling extremely lazy about everything, even though, in theory, I should be enjoying every aspect of my life. I chose to do most of them. I chose my degree, I chose my job, I chose my community work - I chose how to spend a lot of my time. However, being 'me', I guess I cannot live with perfection for too long. I cannot enjoy anything for too long! Why is that?? Why do I feel suffocated after a while, in every single freaking thing I do?

Interesting question. Could be my research topic in three years.

I can identify two reasons for my grogginess.
1. Lack of exercise and way too much intake of junk food.
2. Getting further and further away from my secret strength.

No, its not coffee. Or sleep, as someone suggested on Facebook. Its Allah. I am feeling the lack of His presence in my life to my bones. I don't feel the baraqah. And every time I feel like this, I feel like there is no way I can get back. (Even though somewhere, very deep down, I know its not true.)

Another thing has been happening way too much lately. I feel like people are tightening their control around me. Which is perfectly normal in my case - I step out of line --> I prove myself to be irresponsible --> The people who love me the most start to think I can't take care of myself --> They start to take control of the things that they think I've lost control over. However, that increases my feeling of suffocation. And I want to get away, more than ever.

I spent the whole day on Sunday with a few extremely productive people. And the two days that followed it turned out to be two of my most unproductive days since starting to be 'good'. I feel like indulging in sadistic beauty. (Which is extremely pathetic.)

I
need
to
shake
out
of
my
glughbiness.

Summary*

Favourite time of the day: Sunset
Favourite flower: Frangipani
Favourite accessories: Red glass bangles
Favourite weather: Rainy morning
Favourite beverage: Coffee
Favourite part of the body: the wrist (I don't know why, but I think a person's wrist spells out innocence.)


*subject to change according to mood, age, weather, day, moment.

Epiphany of the week

My favourite flower is Frangipani.

Hummmmm

My life was so empty at the beginning of this year that I started piling things in it. Now, things have piled up so much that I am wondering if I could somehow coax some scientist into lengthening the time of each day, without taking away any time from the next. (I know my only solution is getting organised.. but I was hoping there was an easy way out of this...)

ps: I hope none of my employers come across my blog. Ever. Its filled with confessions of my weaknesses.

p.p.s: The title is the sound I make in my head when things pile up too-too much.

(...)

A word is dead
When it is said
Some say
I say it just
Begins to live
That Day.

(Emily Dickinson)

Beaut(y) + (ie)s

Its been nearly a month since I last wrote in here! However, I haven't stopped writing altogether (as you can tell...). In case you, my precious reader, did not realise/know, I started a second blog. While I vent and state my personal evolution in this one, I shall fill up the other blog with advices from my life. Things I learnt that have made me a better person - things I learnt from others and myself. Honestly, knowledge is lost if it is not practised or passed on. Basic psychology since the 1960s says something like this: You see/hear/touch/smell/taste something -> goes into your very temporary memory -> This information is lost OR it goes into your short term memory -> This information is lost OR it goes into your long term memory through rehearsal -> This information is lost OR is retrieved into your short term memory.

Our Prophet (pbuh) said: "Acquire knowledge and impart it to the people." (ref: Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 107)


I found that to be quite interesting. Islam places a great importance of 'collective' worship, unlike other religions. Part of that is collectively learning and teaching - the wisdom behind this (according to me) is that worshiping is designed for every person. So, the society as a whole needs to gain knowledge and practise it, rather than a few people sitting in a cave far away from humanity. And that makes it harder to lose knowledge, hence, it makes it easier for future generations to uphold it too. Does that make sense? It all makes sense in my head, however, I am not quite sure that I am successfully imparting thoughts. As usual! Forgive me if I have just broken some wires in your brain and made you as confused as me without coffee. 


While we are on the topic of psychology, can I just mention how thankful I am for being able to make the decision of changing degrees? I don't think I mentioned it over here, but now I am doing Psychological Science. I am majoring in Psychology and Neuroscience/Linguistics (not quite sure about which one to choose). Psychology is absolutely awesome. We finished our introduction to developmental psychology, and now, we just began to study psychology of attachment to loved ones. I shall elaborate more later when I have time (just realised I have about 10 minutes to finish this). 


Linguistics is quite fascinating, it is making me more inclined towards learning another language. I think it is also making me open minded to people who have language difficulties. It is also making me consider ESL teaching. Ah - the possibilities of the future! Teaching itself has become more appealing to me in the past few months. I love my current students. I love their innocence, I love their acceptance, I love their ability to learn. Adults need to learn to acquire these abilities from children. I was recently rejected from a tutoring centre because of my Hijab. Again - please refer to future posts for details. :)


As part of my psychology course, I need to be a subject of psychology experiments for researchers. In the past two days, I have seen three dead people on screen. One was a real dead person, as a result of a real car crash. They showed her distorted face, very clearly, on the screen. There were also three (or was it four?) other severly injured people under the completely up side down car. The other two were from films, but they were shown one after another. Anyway, I've been having nightmares for two days in a row. I hope it goes soon. 

Here's a song that I found very relevant. Wrote this on the 18th of June, last year.


The world is so beautiful when clouds drizzle on my hair
The world is so beautiful when the sky is blue and clear
When the sun shines through the rain
The colours drive me insane
And the birds fly so high in the sky
And I wonder why
I didn't want to be alive.


The world is so beautiful when I dive in the ocean
And play with blue whales in my imagination
Walk through desert lands
Feel my toes hide in sand
And the birds fly so high in the sky
And I wonder why
I didn't want to be alive.


A hungry child ravages the bin and picks up a handful of rice
His home is run down by cockroaches and mice
Yet he looks up at the sky and believes that its nice
For this beautiful heart, the beauty will suffice.


A young girl walks down a destroyed street
Its been years and years since she last tasted meat
All she sees nowadays is torn human beings
Yet, when she looks at the sky, her heart can still sing.


Ya Rahmanur Rahim
I know that You are near
When I see beauty through my misery and tears
When the sun shines through my mind
Even though bleakness blinds me
I know the birds fly so high in the sky
And I wonder why
I didn't want to be alive.