Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Feeling the glughb

After three days of constant rain, the sky now a brilliant blue with picturesque vanilla clouds. I think I have reached either the fourth of fifth stage of my circular life. I am feeling extremely lazy about everything, even though, in theory, I should be enjoying every aspect of my life. I chose to do most of them. I chose my degree, I chose my job, I chose my community work - I chose how to spend a lot of my time. However, being 'me', I guess I cannot live with perfection for too long. I cannot enjoy anything for too long! Why is that?? Why do I feel suffocated after a while, in every single freaking thing I do?

Interesting question. Could be my research topic in three years.

I can identify two reasons for my grogginess.
1. Lack of exercise and way too much intake of junk food.
2. Getting further and further away from my secret strength.

No, its not coffee. Or sleep, as someone suggested on Facebook. Its Allah. I am feeling the lack of His presence in my life to my bones. I don't feel the baraqah. And every time I feel like this, I feel like there is no way I can get back. (Even though somewhere, very deep down, I know its not true.)

Another thing has been happening way too much lately. I feel like people are tightening their control around me. Which is perfectly normal in my case - I step out of line --> I prove myself to be irresponsible --> The people who love me the most start to think I can't take care of myself --> They start to take control of the things that they think I've lost control over. However, that increases my feeling of suffocation. And I want to get away, more than ever.

I spent the whole day on Sunday with a few extremely productive people. And the two days that followed it turned out to be two of my most unproductive days since starting to be 'good'. I feel like indulging in sadistic beauty. (Which is extremely pathetic.)



  1. 1.
    For some reason (I don't know), I hate rains! The washed away sky after the rain always makes me alive.

    Getting away from the inner strength is really horrible. Hope you'll be closer to HIM again...

    I actually feel better when I am controlled by the nearest and dearest ones. It reminds me that there are some people who always love me and think of me and care for me.

  2. I love this post! :) A person thinks that only when they choose to live life the way they want, will they fully attain bliss, but i don't think we can ever be content, even when we're free to make our own decisions. I feel pretty "glughb" as well! :P