A Ray of Sun at Six AM

 Creeping through a crack, he softly kisses her eyes,
Tumbles upon her hair, and then silently cries
Because she's still half asleep, only half awake,
Dreaming of another, lying in her heartache.
He's unable to speak, or even make a sound,
He finds himself breathless and utterly dumbfound.
His fingers walk on her face, anticipating
The moment she would wake, and participate in
This game of silent love, a kind of hide and seek,
To make their hearts beat faster, knees a little weak.
As time inches forward, he grows upon her face,
Patiently he waits, listening to her heart's race.

Impatiently waiting.

One of my worst traits is impatience. I just cannot wait for answers when I start looking for them. I can't wait for food when I'm hungry. I get all cranky when I'm told to do something when I'm sleepy. And when I want someone to see something, I want them to see it here and now. This possibly repels them from wanting to see my point of view, because, every force has an equal and opposite force. The softer you are, the softer the resistance is. The harder and more impatient you are, the lesser you should expect a positive attitude. I understand this, but I forget to implement it when it comes to people I care about. I guess this results from following my heart instead of my head - its so much easier to advance logically and rationally when you know that it doesn't matter if the person you are talking to understands you or not.

I know that at the end of the day, what someone else thinks is not in my hands. But I still keep insisting on having a hand in it, when that person is someone close. Maybe, its because I'm scared they'll influence my thoughts in the wrong way? Maybe I'm scared that my knack of being swayed easily will slowly take me away from where I really want to go. I guess I'm just not strong enough to hold up by myself when someone close is falling apart, especially when there are so many other complicated factors involved. 

Whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him in a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees. (65:2-3)

Nothing to do but frown

I love glass bangles. I love the way they tinkle, the way they fall upon your wrist without making you feel enchained, the way they shine when sunlight (or any other light...) falls on them. I would wear them all the time, if I could, except, I seem to break at least one and get blood all over my wrists every time I wear any. Like, the book sale day, God knows why I decided to wear anything glass and carry two heavy bags. Naturally, by the time I got to school, my hands were all red and sticky. And then there was that time that I forgot I was wearing them, and started knocking my arms against some sort of a fence. And then the other time - when I stepped on one. Basically, glass bangles and my luck aren't exactly best friends. But I still continue to wear them. I think the red bangles set reduced from twelve to six. The ones that I'm wearing now have a crack in the middle, where the end meets the beginning. And I'm terribly scared that I'll break a few along that line.

I am very hungry right now. But we have some guests over for dinner, so I can't eat until they come. And I'm also tired and sleepy. And...

Okay, I'll stop complaining.

Wiser?

One of my friends has wanted to become a teacher ever since I knew her. She did a few things to prepare for that and she always talked about the advantages of being a teacher. She’s a hard working fairly intelligent girl, so her HSC result was great! All was well until yesterday, when I found out that she is starting a Pharmacy degree this year. I was very, very confused. How can someone who’s so set on something change her mind so suddenly? But she’s not the only one. Many people are doing what they can instead of doing what they want. I guess its ok when you don’t know what you really want. But once you’re set on something for years and years, how can your decision change in just a few days?

My dad’s dentist called home today. She’s a very nice lady and we talked quite easily. Turns out I know her daughter, who had always wanted to be a dentist, and currently is in another country studying dentistry. Her parents tried to convince her to try something different, but she never gave up. I never really saw the girl as someone who’d chase after her dreams because they are solely her own. So as soon as I learnt this little fact about her, my respect for her grew ten folds. I want to be someone like that. I have a few goals in life that I want to achieve. They are not very strong, but I think they are getting stronger. I think I’m learning to ignore other people’s resisting opinions and go with my own. It’s taking time. I mean, I’m the youngest in the family and do make stupid decisions from time to time and have proven myself to be a total loser in the past, so those resistances are completely understandable. But I’m hoping that I can work my way out of it.

I figured people don’t trust immature people to be responsible human beings. Your level of maturity is your level of sensitivity to other people’s feelings. So, the more sensitive you are to others, the more mature you are, the more trusted you become. With that formula in mind, I’m trying to understand the people that are close to me. I am trying to tend to their needs and do little things for them that would make them happy. And I feel much closer to them and much less selfish. And it feels really good because it lets me know that I have control over my life. I guess this is the right time to find that out anyway. Teenage years are supposed to be erratic, immature and unbearable. And I guess a few of my teenage years did pass like that! Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, because that simultaneously makes me ‘normal’ and ‘ordinary’.

But anyway, I’m glad I realised that recently. Of course, I can’t always remember my theories. Sometimes I just feel like throwing everything up in the air, curling up with chocolate and depressing songs and crying. But I guess the only way to reduce that slowly is to keep the end goal in sight. Remember what I want from this life. And just work towards that.

Its hard to say I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep,

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams!

Subtle variations of blue...

Sometimes it feels like time is passing me by way too fast. Everyday, the mornings seem to get closer and closer. The nights are always the same. Some minor details change here and there, but I'm mostly riding a very flat wave. I wish I could take a radical decision. A radically awesome decision that would change the course of my life for the better in an instant. I wish I could write something that would squeeze everything out from the inside of me and put them in a plate. I wish I had the patience to sit down and read a beautiful book. Why am I so restless nowadays? My hands start shaking and I feel extremely weak if I'm doing something for a long time.This has never happened to me before. The first time it happened was this morning when I was driving. At first I thought its because I was hungry, but then I realised my stomach was still full from breakfast.

Find a road to a humble abode where both of our roads meet! I wish. I really do wish someone would blend up a rainbow and shoot it through my veins because right now it feels like my heart has no colour at all.

Thoughts of yesterday

This computer is so horrible! Used for eight years by five people, three of whom have become adults during the time, it is FILLED. Filled - top to bottom. Photos, music and other junk are driving me crazy as I attempt to clean the mess. I am a) Sending stuff to the person it belongs to OR b) Waiting to save stuff in the removable hard disk OR c) Deleting them. I am also listening to Owl City. I am surprised that I haven't heard of him before last Friday. He's up there with Kimya Dawson, Dawud Wharnsby Ali and Anjan Datta now. I love the way he strings his words together and the way his soft voice pronounces them! Fireflies shook up a sudden urge in my mind, an urge to write something incredibly beautiful. But the words aren't flowing from me. The last time I wrote a beautiful piece was the day before maths extension two exam. And that was a beautiful, but depressing song. I really want to write something that would fill someone up with lasting, warm and fuzzy feelings.


Things I want to do in a few (5-10?) years:

- Be a photographer for a magazine, possibly something that would help the society instead of demeaning it.

- Write songs for special people in my life.

- Publish poems in some place where people would feel inspired after reading them.

- Try to make the world a better place every single day.



You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies light up the world as I fell asleep,

Cause they fill the open air, and leave teardrops everywhere,

You'd think me rude,

But I would just stand and stare!


The disney night started off quite slowly, but it didn't take long to pick up its pace. I started to feel sleepy as soon as I got dressed up. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was Sleeping Beauty? My clothes and face resembled nothing of Sleeping Beauty. The colours were tangentially similar, if you sort of stretch your imagination a bit further than usual. And we got out of the constumes a couple of hours after we put them on anyway. But Stargazer Rad won the Best Dressed, as deserved! Nemo won Best in Character for Cruella de Vil, as she made herself imitate the lady perfectly! Best Hair was won by Salsa, who didn't even want to dress up at first! Then we ate and ate and ate until my stomach increased a few inches and couldn't hold any more. Then we watched Princess and the Frog, Mulan, Ice Age 3, Up and House Moving Castle. We skipped through Princess and the Frog because it was pirated and a very bad quality one too. I fell asleep as soon as House Moving Castle started - around 2.30 am. I was let into a little secret during the way. Salsa has way too much time on her hands and way too little things to do.

10.01.10

Every time start to write, something always has to happen. Either my mum calls me, or there's a kid trying to climb on my lap to touch the mouse, or I'm hungry. Its been ten days since I wrote my last post yet it seems like weeks! And since I have a headache now, and since my urge to write decreased dramatically as soon as I started writing --- Quick updates!!

1. I watched Titanic for the first time in my life!
2. I've also watched Chocolat and had a craving for both chocolate and Johnny Depp.
3. I've watched about half an hour of Slumdog Millionaire and Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Snowman's movies hate me. They loath me. So they stop working when things start to get interesting.
4. I watched my first R18+ movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I wish I hadn't.
5. I started my fitness regime again!
6. I am beginning to get a bit more organised - thanks to you-know-who-you-are. And its exciting!
7. I helped ma cook Korola today. I think its called bitter melon in English, but that just sounds bad. Its actually very nice. The first rhyme I wrote was about this vegetable. But its too embarrassing to mention here... or anywhere else. 
8. I actually am looking forward to starting university.
9. The look in Leonardo DiCaprio's eyes in Titanic is irreplaceable.
10. Eyes, in general, are beautiful, and interesting. Vision Science - here I come! :)
11. I have never before associated 'responsible' with 'me', until last night.
12. Its so hot here. Right here, in our area, its 32.7 degrees right now, and its rising.
13. I hope I get a call soon from AC. I really need some $$.

ps: I love today's date. :D