Goodbye naughties, welcome to niceness!

As I write this, fireworks are being released all around. And its only 9.12 pm. I'm yet to write down my new year's resolution, but I do have some in my head. I'm a little weary of fulfilling my resolution of 'create to-do lists and actually cross things off!' because I wrote down 9 things to do today at the beginning of today and only got 1 done. Oh well. New year = newness = start over = hope!

What have I done this year? Well, I have successfully completed 13 years of education! I have turned 18 and managed not to drink, smoke (few puffs from cousins at 14 don't count. I didn't know smoking was haram back then.), graffiti or vote. I actually maintained a calendar - one of the few things I did regularly! I wrote a lot of diary entries, blog posts, typed thoughts in MS Word and Notepad - possibly more than any other year. I've learnt that I can pull people closer and push them away too. I've written half of a really good song that I still intend to send to Dawud Wharnsby. I've made, broken and remade some huge decisions. I've learnt to cook things that make people smile, in a good way. And I have nearly made it through a year full of confusion!

Things I wish to achieve by the end of 2010:
1. Fitness
2. Taking responsibility for my own actions
3. Compartmentalising my thoughts

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful year. I hope it is filled with happiness and light. I hope you hurt at least one less person. I hope you smile at least once more. I hope you will make an effort to make the world a little bit cleaner, happier and better. And I pray to God I can do these too.

28th October - extra thoughts - 2

My view of life is quite simplistic. It only lasts a lifetime, which, when thought about, can seem like only a few seconds. So I figured, there is no need for complex logic to prove the complexity of life, and no use of philosophising moments that will leave us in a moment. Of course, I often can’t stick to my view of life, for several reasons eg: my teenage age, HSC (by the time I post this it will be overrrr!), my erratic personality (possibly, a result of being a teenager and undergoing HSC) and my obsession with dreaming.

28th October - extra thoughts

Wow.

Whao.

I can’t believe what I just read. It just disoriented my thoughts gathered for the past eight months, thoughts that were biased because I was looking through the rose tinted glass of those certain surreal months. There were thousand weak moments in which I reconsidered and regretted making certain decisions, even though I knew, for the time being, they are the right decisions. Of course, they only lasted a moment, yet, there were a thousand of them.

I guess there are more selfish people than me in this world. I am grateful to not be stuck around such selfish people, who, probably would have changed a little, but who would also change me. Time goes by so fast, I would not realise how much I missed out on until those wrinkles loosen my skin. By that time, I would have probably been depressed and regretful for passing a whole life time without seeking or finding the true meaning of living. I would realise that illusions lived on for a whole lifetime is in fact no more than a second long.

Therefore, I am glad it’s over.

I started reading ‘In the shade of the Qur’an’ by Sayyid Qutb, which I was inspired to try after reading some of ‘Way to the Qur’an’ by Khurram Murad, which is a collection of incredibly beautiful thoughts. InshaAllah, I will finish the latter and actually get somewhere with the former after HSC. In the introduction, Qutb lists some verses of the Qur’an, which I thought would be a good reminder to me from time to time. So, I printed them on coloured paper and stuck them right on top of my monitor. Sadly, I haven’t looked at them much while I procrastinated throughout stuvac and HSC. Anyway, here they are:

It may well be that you hate a thing which is good for you, and love a thing although it is bad for you. God knows, whereas you do not know. (2:216)

Satan promises you poverty and bids you to commit indecency while God promises you His forgiveness and bounty. God is Munificent, All-Knowing. (2:268)

Whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him ain a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees. (65:2-3)

God does not change a people’s condition unless they first change what is in their hearts. (13:11)

And so, I am reminded and made thankful, yet again, for those thousand moments in which I decided to disregard my love for a thing which is bad for me.

I don’t know who reads my blog any more so I stopped writing for others. In the beginning, it was Nira & Co, the group of alive, innocent, dreaming, muslim, bengali, single, young girls. My fourteen year old mind had not tainted much, thus, my thoughts were recounts of everything-that-happened-the-whole-day. Occasionally, I posted poems that were written out of an urge to rhyme instead of an urge to express my feelings, since I could not often feel what I wrote. Slowly, Nira & Co disintegrated into married, practical parents with not enough time or energy to dream and/or express those dreams. Thus, my readers shifted to Emu, and occasionally, my sister. Then my family started to read me, followed by people who I wanted to convince that life isn’t actually that bad, followed by school friends. Without realising it, I constantly changed my patterns for the people who read my blog. From now on, I will write for myself. If you are convinced that my views are reasonable, go ahead and think about them. If you think I am ridiculous, feel free to do so.

Pages of my mind - 2

21.10.09

Since I woke up at 5.15 pm, Guy Sebestian’s ‘Like That’ has been hammering inside my head. The worst part is, I only know one line – I’m the only one that can love you like that. So this line has been driving me crazy, until a few moments ago. Now Guy is replaced by Cat – Hard Headed Woman. He says ‘I’m looking for a hard headed woman’, then echoes ‘headed woman, headed woman’. Also, I circled the rash in my hand and went to show my sister. She drew an arrow and wrote, ‘Rational’.

28.10.09

I don’t think I went very well in mathmatics extension 1.

But I think I went worse in extension 2. I’m not sure how I should feel right now. Regret? Depressed? Relieved? I’m not exactly sure how I feel either. I think all of those have amalgamated into a blob of gooey darkness.

English was OK.

Chemistry is in 4 days and economics in 6. I loathe economics. But I have to get myself to sit down and convince myself that after these 6 days, if I want to, I will not have to hear another economic term ever again.

Ironically, ‘Lucky’ is playing itself over and over in my head.

The computer just asked me: Are you sure you want to send ‘tmrw’ in the recycling bin?


06.11.09

Well, HSC is finally over! Its 12.20 am, 6th November, 2009 – The day which my calendar is marked as ‘ITS OVER!’ I thought this day would not exist in my memory because it would be spent sleeping. Well, its 20 minutes after midnight and I do not feel a speck of sleep sitting on my eyes. I’m enjoying this freedom – I am finally free of quite a few social constraints. No, I am not partying until 2 am, drunk and disorderly, then, sleep on God-knows-what/who. But I still am enjoying this concept called life, which I got back exactly 12 hours ago. I was listening to Anjan, surrounded by text books and papers that desperately needs a new home. Now, I’m listening to ‘bubbly’. This song brings back memories, just like every other song in my playlist. The funny thing with songs are that they can make you homesick for a certain emotion, regardless of the situation that emotion has been felt in. For example, in year 7, I remember doing my assignments while listening to Orthohin. Now every time I listen to them, I feel stressed and excited at the same time, because that’s exactly what I felt those times. I think my brain stopped functioning now, which is a good sign, because it means I’m sleepy.

I know I am childish and immature. Is that a reason to be worried? Well, I’m only 18, I am not doing anything wrong and I happen to love and enjoy my life a little differently. I like enjoying little things, like stopping to look at an old red car in the rain, or curling up in my blanket and daydreaming. I also like writing (mostly about myself), reading (mostly about other people’s personal thoughts), taking photos and sharing all of these with unknown people. Is there anything wrong with that?

Oh well. Who cares. Its my life. When I waste it, its my right to decide the way I want to waste it.

Pages of my mind - 1

23.05.09

Oh yes, it’s another day. Another lazy Saturday – the day I sit with my books in front of me and daydream about sleep. The day I plan to get a lot of things done, get nothing done and feel depressed about getting nothing done. My ranting seems to fall short nowadays. I have no idea why. It’s not as if I am studying a lot or doing a lot in general. I just can’t be bothered to think. I prefer sleep over everything else.

25.05.09

Something is definitely wrong with me. I thought I was very set on medicine and I thought that eventually I would start studying for it. I am already at the end of May and yet I am not doing ANYTHING. I am sitting here and procrastinating with minesweeper. Can’t I at least come up with something better? I have an economics essay due tomorrow, along with some notes, AND I have a debate tomorrow. My maths extension 1 exam is next week, extension 2 the week after and economics and English the week after. I am not doing anything. I was supposed to try hard and up my ranks, but what am I doing? NOTHING! At this rate, I might as well drop out of school and start working in Woolworths. I am a despicable child.

08.06.09

Its 3.35 AM in the morning; I have papers all around me, in the midst of which a dirty coffee cup, mandarin peels and a half eaten pear lies; I have an excruciating stomach ache because of an upset stomach from all the junk food from yesterday; I have so many things to do that I don’t think my last minute ‘evenly paced work with breaks’ would be enough.

30.07.09

There is seven days till the trials and I have not done much. I have to get down and dirty unless I want to be depressed for a long, long time. lamz, do not waste time, do do do things. Who cares about what anyone else thinks or feels? Who cares what you think anyone else thinks or feels? Who you are and who you want yourself to be is a much, much more important thing to worry about.

03.08.09

Bhayiun eto, eto bhalo keno?

09.08.09

Alhamdullillah, English Paper 1 went alright. I know it was all because of Allah, and if I miraculously get a good mark, it’ll all be because of Allah. Comprehension can go both ways because I don’t know if I made my points clear enough. I don’t even know if I had clear points. My story – I think it’s a good story, all due to everyone else’s idea – anther miracle. But I did not really relate it to the stimulus, so it can go both ways too. I don’t think I had good words in my essay but I think I addressed the question well. So with Allah’s miracle, I can get a good mark.

But I still have English paper 2, economics, maths extension 2, chemistry and maths extension 1 left. I still haven’t finished analysing ‘Mother Who Gave Me Life’. I need to do that, and then I need to memorise all the analysis tomorrow. After writing it today, I need to learn all my eco notes. Tomorrow I need to fix up chemistry and both days I need to do a little more maths extension 2. I must must must get around to doing it. So many things to do, so little time. Allah, please please please help me!!

10.08.09

Realistically, I can’t do that well in my economics exam, I know that. Maybe improve my rank 2/3 spots, get it back to half yearlies rank? I need to go through the theory today and tomorrow, know a few facts here and there. If I can answer all the multiple choice and short answer questions, and maybe get a 12/13 in the essays, it should be good enough inshaAllah. I really need Allah’s miracle. Chemistry – I don’t have any time to study for it until the day before the test. So I need to make sure that I know all the theory then too. Allah, please let me at least stay average in Chemistry! InshaAllah English would be good. I need to memorise, by heart, the analysis so that I can write it perfectly tomorrow. Maths should be ok too, with Allah’s help. I need to fix myself up in Ramadan. Get back. Get back to Allah.

Preference today: complete analysis, memorise by heart, look over other essays. See how you can write intro and conclusion. After that, eco as much as you can.

I can feel my heart going cold.

18.08.09

I just finished reading ‘The Incurable Matchmaker’. It’s a really cute novel, romance wise it nears Gone With the Wind. Although there was not much story to it, it was one of the most cosy romantic sweet warm book I’ve ever read. Along with Gone With the Wind and Twilight.

Maths Ext 1 tomorrow. Allah please help me!


25.09.09

There are two people that have stepped in and on my life in the past, whose successes make me writhe in anger and failures bring a smile. I met both last year and I do not intend to keep contact with them in the years to follow. The worst part is, I know that they are wrong in so many aspects of their lives but I can’t prove it or show it simply because they are better than me in schoolwork. And that, apparently, measures all ‘successes’. I tried so hard to transcend beyond the negative feelings but failed miserably. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

HSC is 25 days away and I know that I cannot possibly perform better than either of them. A greater ‘success’ in this world is the only way to hurt them, and I know I don’t have the ability to do that any more. Right now, I just want to finish school, get out of their zone of proximity, get away from their vain ideas about life and live my own. Why does it matter if I can’t get 97+? It’s a very, very insignificant part of life if life is considered as a whole.

These two people – its amazing how my perception of them changed so quickly. I used to consider them close in the beginning, then their insolence, or maybe the realisation that I’ve been ignorant, started to seep bitterness into our friendship. They themselves probably do not have a clue. I tend to do this to people. I open up to the wrong people, then get hurt and completely shut myself out. Then I bottle up all of my emotions in my heart until it bursts one day. Then apologise for the sudden outburst, and then continue to live as if nothing has ever happened between us. I don’t know how to get rid of this vice.

Am I paranoid? Maybe.

If you become doctors, please don’t cut your patients the way you cut me. Please get rid of your shell of pretentious love, lack of understanding and the barrel of ignorance from inside you.

Did I mention that I still hate you?

01.10.09

Ma,

I love you.

13.10.09

I can’t look at water through a normal person’s eyes any more. I tipped my bottle of water for fun (don’t judge, I’m doing my HSC), and I thought. ‘Oh look! The molecules are rolling over each other!’

I feel sorry for myself too. But it will be over in 20 days. I love the number twenty now. And tomorrow I will love nineteen.

Amongst the angst that the Horrible Savage Creation is causing me, I am loving my life. The morning coffee of concentrated coffee particles releases that chemical that causes the fight-or-flight response and my heart starts going ballistic. Then I remember that there are only a few days left and I smile to myself. There is a particular satisfaction involved when you are smiling and your heart is thumping a little too loud. It feels like love.

Except, I am not allowed to love anything except the 20 days for the next 20 days.

But there’s still a lot of love created everyday with the coffee. Feel free to take some.

Unfinished train of thought - 1

Title: If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real.
Date Modified: Thursday 1 October 2009, 9.22 PM

The fuzzy feeling in my brain that was created after reading Twilight in Year 9 has not been altered since. Neither has changed the fascination after reading Angels and Demons. I am afraid to read these favourite books a second time, because I am quite sure that I would not have the exact same feelings ever again. I can only wistfully stare at them. I have experienced the decline of strong emotions over and over again with many of my other favourite books. Looking For Alibrandi or Nightshade does not make my heart beat any faster nor does it seem desirable to be in the main characters’ positions. Shatkahon has lost its magic too, merely because I read certain parts so many times that the change it brought within me the first time I read it seem quite distant.
But the book that I would least like to read again is 2nd on my list of favourites: Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, even though that’s my main self selected text for Belonging! Although I am disappointed that the amazement, awe and depression that surfaced in my mind after reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close can never be recreated, that is not the main reason why I am afraid to pick it up again. I think it’s because I don’t want to put myself through the intense depression a second time. It came over me as soon as I started to read it, anytime, anywhere. It’s so full of truisms that I had to agree with everything that Foer had to say, making the situation worse. At that time, I related Oskar with a friend of mine who has been through clinical depression, making his problems seem even more real. I have been recommending this book to anyone and everyone I can get my hands on, but I have not thought about the effects that it had on me. Its overtly cynical look at life is extremely unhealthy to any person’s mind if they are not strong. Lately I have started to realise that its not really important to state the truths in life. We all know them. What’s more important is to try to fix the ugly truths. More important is that secret stash of energy that keeps a person rise every morning, looking forward to life. Appreciating what we have is more important and so much more satisfying than wallowing over what we lack.
I think this feeling of despair comes with excessive materialism. From personal experience, I have seen that whenever I plunge into the world, trying to grab what I can to fill up my world in my little box, I suffocate in a sinking feeling. It’s sort of like the feeling you get an hour after eating a bar of chocolate. The satisfaction is perfect, but it only lasts a few moments.
It can also come with the wrong kind of ‘immaterialism’. Most people confuse ‘happiness found in a higher state of living’ with being a loser.

What not to do during your HSC year

(I found this amongst all the other junk in My Documents. Date Modified: Sunday 4th October 2009, 7:07 PM)

1. Play solitaire.
2. Invent useless theories.
3. Leave homework undone, no matter how insignificant or unimportant it is.
4. To not have a sense of direction.
5. To not have a plan.
6. To have a plan, but not follow it.
7. Keep saying to yourself, ‘Don’t worry, there’s still the trials’ or ‘Don’t worry, there’s still HSC’ or ‘Don’t worry, there’s still 6 weeks till results come out.’

dates that only know how to go up

Reasons why anyone would want to watch bollywood movies:

- They are incredibly ridiculous, hence, they are incredibly funny.
- They build up an ideal image of couples, houses in developed countries, couples living in houses in developed countries and all things related to love.
- They make you think that indians always wear colourful and beautiful clothes.
- They give the impression that all lovers know how to sing and dance. So, if you don't know how to sing, or dance, or any of them, just fall in love!
- The simultaneous ridiculousness and sweetness makes you want to cry.

Well, that is the conclusion I have come to after watching Chalte Chalte. Its a love story (of course!). Raj and Priya meet accidentally and Raj falls in love. Priya refuses. Raj insists. Priya slowly falls in love. She fights off a marriage and marries Raj. They start having problems. Tears. Tears. Tears. Romance. Tears. Tears. Priya is about to leave. Raj stops her at the airport. Tears. Tears. Love. And in between all of those, there are some well choreographed songs that would be totally awesome if they happened spontaneously in real life!

All jokes aside, I think this movie carries a very serious message. Two people can't start living together because they think they've fallen in love at first sight. Do people do that in this day and age, I hear you ask? I don't think its a hard thing to do, just like every other stupid and wrong decisions we take in life. I think the main thing for two people to live together is to have the same thing as their top priority. For example, if a musician's (lets say, G) top priority is to see and portray the beauty she sees in the world around him, her counterpart (B?) can't be someone who's top priority is to make money. B might make some very stupid decisions that will leave G hurt and depressed, e.g.: destroy the rainforest in their backyard to build corporate buildings. You might say, that its not as black and white. What if B respects G's decisions and builds a nature reserve instead? Well, if the nature reserve brings in less money than those corporate buildings, then, that proves that B's top priority is to keep G happy, not to make money. And if it doesn't, well, sir, I think I just proved my point!

Anyway, Raj and Priya get back together at the end of the movie. That's why its a Bollywood film, not a snippet from real life.

The next movie I want to watch is Pretty Woman. 2 reasons: I've wanted to watch it & its on YouTube. I'm at a major disadvantage when it comes to living up to the motto: A movie a day, keeps boredom away. You see, I'm the youngest and the most irresponsible child in our family. I am the child who receives the most amount of love, food and care and protection. Yet, I'm also the child who's stuck with an eight year old PC, infected with viruses, and left with no way of downloading and installing applications. My account is not an admin and my dearest brother for the admin password, because it has been THAT long since he had used this computer. As a result, I can't use the normal websites or even download limewire to watch movies.

Anyway, quick updates:

- A is going overseas in a week!
- SB is coming here in 3 months!
- Uni starts in 3 months.
- My ATAR was neither awesome nor awful. Thank God it wasn't awful!
- Driving when you are the only person in the car feels incredibly exhilarating.
- Working with a balance between reason and emotions is beautiful.
- I think taff is extremely funny. Don't know if she actually has a low self esteem, or if its just a part of the sarcasm, but here you go taff, if you ever see this, smile!
- The heat is making my brain boil.
- Melbourne and the LC was fun.
- Debating/discussing/arguing/whatever -you-want-to-call-it with people is fun, especially when you know what you are talking about.
- I know my picture doesn't really match my post, but I guess both are random enough to be matched!

Windows open freeze dreams in the head

I thought this one would be my 100th post, but according to my dashboard, I've already written it. So, Sadly, this is my 101st post. I guess 101 is good enough. At least its a palindrome!

I'm not feeling very well today. Emotionally and physically, I am feeling burdened down. Of course, I brought this upon myself. The Melbourne trip and the LC caused a lot of sleeplessness, and I can't sleep during the night now. I think I've also caught some sort of virus. I had weird dreams last night, and I kept waking up.

And my spirit was heightened by the same things that caused all the physical tiredness. But I didn't try hard enough to keep it up.

Anyway, its nearly midday and I'm tired. I should go clean up. I was looking to download Dawud Wharnsby songs. I came across one that matches my current state word by word.

I'm trying to find some place to breathe,
But I'll just skip that for now.
You're phoning, talking, emailing, knocking me down.
How long should I stay around?

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze me out of bed.
And it's leaving me crazed, emotions flail with no warning,
And I'm watching someone else move into my head.

I'm trying to find the right time to leave,
But I'll, just skip lunch for now.
Lonely and closed and I think we all know why.
Should I give up before you start to try?

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze dreams in the head.
And it's leaving me crazed, emotions flare with no warning,
And I'm watching someone else move into my bed.

And it's leaving me tired and I'm warning.
Windows open freeze my hands on the ledge.
And it's leaving me sad that you just can�t see the morning.
And I'm watching each night fall now, upon edge.

I'm trying to find the right time to leave,
But I'll stare out the window for now.
You're sleeping there still so unaware.
I'm getting dressed without a sound.

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze me out of bed.
And it's leaving me dazed, and I reflect on the warning,
As I'm watching someone else move into my bed.
Move into my head.
Move into my bed.


Ugh. Need some time to sort myself out.

Imsomniac stars and a little bit of confusion

The day is beautiful.

The sky isn't blue, but its filled with different shades of clouds. The songs that are playing aren't exactly happy, but they are not sad either. I think they give you a sense of nostalgia, even if there is nothing to feel nostalgic about. I'm listening to three songs from Antaheen. Who knew a movie could make you cry so much? The only thing that's in my head right now is: 'What is it about you that has commandeered by brain?' You have to admit, the movie was good, even excellent, but not perfect. I'm sure I have seen movies that dug deep inside me before. So what's different about this one?

The camera work is awesome, as usual with movies made in Kolkata, I assume. The songs have very sweet lyrics with serene imagery. Even though its morning and the sun is shining ever so brightly through the clouds, these lines are still appealing to me:

আমার ভিনদেশী তারা একা রাতেরই আকাশে,
তুমি বাজালে একতারা আমার চিলেকোঠার পাশে।
ঠিক সন্ধ্যা নামার মুখে,
তোমার নাম ধরে কেও ডাকে!
মুখ লুকিয়ে কার বুকে তোমার গল্প বল কাকে?
আমার রাত জাগা তারা তোমার অন্য পাড়ায় বাড়ি,
আমার ভয় পাওয়া চেহারা,আমি আদতে আনাড়ি!

In fact, most of the songs in the movie have imageries of night time. Maybe that's why they are so serene?

My mum called as soon as the movie finished. I was in the middle of a very emotional turmoil and I was crying like there is no tomorrow. So I was a tad bit irritated when she told me to stop watching movies and do all those chores she left me. Well of course I couldn't explain that this wasn't just any movie, its the movie that forced a lot of tears out of my gland, possibly in a way that would never happen again with any other movie. I know that she's worried. I don't know about what exactly. But I'm sure parents worry about their children unless they are perfect. And I am definitely very far away from perfect.

The thing is, the whole movie was alright. It only became special at the end. I won't mention what happens, just in case you are reading this and haven't watched it, but intend to watch it. I guess it was the anticipation. The fact that the realisation hit her just before the final moment. It sounds very cliched, but you have to see it to feel it. Then there was the regret that they were a little too late in the realisation. That's enough to drive anyone to depression!

I think I need to take some time off. Some time without any written thoughts, constant music that I'm hardly listening to and other people. Some time off junk food. Some time to reconnect. I keep talking without meaning a word. What's the point anything that doesn't have weight?

Things I need to do:
- Finish writing the song
- Finish LC HW + some other organisational stuff
- Get back to the pursuit of creating the new and improved me


আমার আকাশ দেখা ঘুড়ি,
কিছু মিথ্যে বাহাদুরি,
আমার চোখ বেধে দাও আলো,
দাও শান্ত শীতল পাটি,
তুমি মায়ের মতো ভালো,
আমি একলা পথে হাটি।