Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Pages of my mind - 1


Oh yes, it’s another day. Another lazy Saturday – the day I sit with my books in front of me and daydream about sleep. The day I plan to get a lot of things done, get nothing done and feel depressed about getting nothing done. My ranting seems to fall short nowadays. I have no idea why. It’s not as if I am studying a lot or doing a lot in general. I just can’t be bothered to think. I prefer sleep over everything else.


Something is definitely wrong with me. I thought I was very set on medicine and I thought that eventually I would start studying for it. I am already at the end of May and yet I am not doing ANYTHING. I am sitting here and procrastinating with minesweeper. Can’t I at least come up with something better? I have an economics essay due tomorrow, along with some notes, AND I have a debate tomorrow. My maths extension 1 exam is next week, extension 2 the week after and economics and English the week after. I am not doing anything. I was supposed to try hard and up my ranks, but what am I doing? NOTHING! At this rate, I might as well drop out of school and start working in Woolworths. I am a despicable child.


Its 3.35 AM in the morning; I have papers all around me, in the midst of which a dirty coffee cup, mandarin peels and a half eaten pear lies; I have an excruciating stomach ache because of an upset stomach from all the junk food from yesterday; I have so many things to do that I don’t think my last minute ‘evenly paced work with breaks’ would be enough.


There is seven days till the trials and I have not done much. I have to get down and dirty unless I want to be depressed for a long, long time. lamz, do not waste time, do do do things. Who cares about what anyone else thinks or feels? Who cares what you think anyone else thinks or feels? Who you are and who you want yourself to be is a much, much more important thing to worry about.


Bhayiun eto, eto bhalo keno?


Alhamdullillah, English Paper 1 went alright. I know it was all because of Allah, and if I miraculously get a good mark, it’ll all be because of Allah. Comprehension can go both ways because I don’t know if I made my points clear enough. I don’t even know if I had clear points. My story – I think it’s a good story, all due to everyone else’s idea – anther miracle. But I did not really relate it to the stimulus, so it can go both ways too. I don’t think I had good words in my essay but I think I addressed the question well. So with Allah’s miracle, I can get a good mark.

But I still have English paper 2, economics, maths extension 2, chemistry and maths extension 1 left. I still haven’t finished analysing ‘Mother Who Gave Me Life’. I need to do that, and then I need to memorise all the analysis tomorrow. After writing it today, I need to learn all my eco notes. Tomorrow I need to fix up chemistry and both days I need to do a little more maths extension 2. I must must must get around to doing it. So many things to do, so little time. Allah, please please please help me!!


Realistically, I can’t do that well in my economics exam, I know that. Maybe improve my rank 2/3 spots, get it back to half yearlies rank? I need to go through the theory today and tomorrow, know a few facts here and there. If I can answer all the multiple choice and short answer questions, and maybe get a 12/13 in the essays, it should be good enough inshaAllah. I really need Allah’s miracle. Chemistry – I don’t have any time to study for it until the day before the test. So I need to make sure that I know all the theory then too. Allah, please let me at least stay average in Chemistry! InshaAllah English would be good. I need to memorise, by heart, the analysis so that I can write it perfectly tomorrow. Maths should be ok too, with Allah’s help. I need to fix myself up in Ramadan. Get back. Get back to Allah.

Preference today: complete analysis, memorise by heart, look over other essays. See how you can write intro and conclusion. After that, eco as much as you can.

I can feel my heart going cold.


I just finished reading ‘The Incurable Matchmaker’. It’s a really cute novel, romance wise it nears Gone With the Wind. Although there was not much story to it, it was one of the most cosy romantic sweet warm book I’ve ever read. Along with Gone With the Wind and Twilight.

Maths Ext 1 tomorrow. Allah please help me!


There are two people that have stepped in and on my life in the past, whose successes make me writhe in anger and failures bring a smile. I met both last year and I do not intend to keep contact with them in the years to follow. The worst part is, I know that they are wrong in so many aspects of their lives but I can’t prove it or show it simply because they are better than me in schoolwork. And that, apparently, measures all ‘successes’. I tried so hard to transcend beyond the negative feelings but failed miserably. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

HSC is 25 days away and I know that I cannot possibly perform better than either of them. A greater ‘success’ in this world is the only way to hurt them, and I know I don’t have the ability to do that any more. Right now, I just want to finish school, get out of their zone of proximity, get away from their vain ideas about life and live my own. Why does it matter if I can’t get 97+? It’s a very, very insignificant part of life if life is considered as a whole.

These two people – its amazing how my perception of them changed so quickly. I used to consider them close in the beginning, then their insolence, or maybe the realisation that I’ve been ignorant, started to seep bitterness into our friendship. They themselves probably do not have a clue. I tend to do this to people. I open up to the wrong people, then get hurt and completely shut myself out. Then I bottle up all of my emotions in my heart until it bursts one day. Then apologise for the sudden outburst, and then continue to live as if nothing has ever happened between us. I don’t know how to get rid of this vice.

Am I paranoid? Maybe.

If you become doctors, please don’t cut your patients the way you cut me. Please get rid of your shell of pretentious love, lack of understanding and the barrel of ignorance from inside you.

Did I mention that I still hate you?



I love you.


I can’t look at water through a normal person’s eyes any more. I tipped my bottle of water for fun (don’t judge, I’m doing my HSC), and I thought. ‘Oh look! The molecules are rolling over each other!’

I feel sorry for myself too. But it will be over in 20 days. I love the number twenty now. And tomorrow I will love nineteen.

Amongst the angst that the Horrible Savage Creation is causing me, I am loving my life. The morning coffee of concentrated coffee particles releases that chemical that causes the fight-or-flight response and my heart starts going ballistic. Then I remember that there are only a few days left and I smile to myself. There is a particular satisfaction involved when you are smiling and your heart is thumping a little too loud. It feels like love.

Except, I am not allowed to love anything except the 20 days for the next 20 days.

But there’s still a lot of love created everyday with the coffee. Feel free to take some.

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