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Epiphany

I love the ability to leave and return to people when I want to. Although I still live with my family, I have my own room which is a pretty safe place to retreat to if I feel like being by myself. And living in the age of internet and phone, I can easily reach/turn off the outside world. I hate to have people in my face, all the time. 

Hope

You can only feel the impact of depression once you know someone who is going through it. The only way that you can understand it better is if you go through it yourself. But, as an outsider, there is no better way to learn than to watch.

And when you do, you realise that it is one of the most horrible things that could ever happen to a person. To lose hope, is to lose it all.

Nanu

God knows how long its been since I talked to Nanu. She was saying how she took out my old poems and read them, and that she was thinking about me. I have only gotten to know her a little better at the beginning of this year. I never bothered to find out what an amazing person she is. I never knew about her interests, life before she became a grandmother. I had only started to get to know her.

And when she got off the phone, she said, who should hang up first? Me or you? She didn't want to hang up.

I miss her, I love her so much!

22nd June - Day 3

I opened up an account with 365project.org a long time ago (February 24, 2011 - to be exact), but never ended up using it. Although I love taking photos, I go through stages of being attached to my camera and completely forgetting it. The night before last night, I had a sudden inspiration to start using the project, with a theme of 'words' (although the theme didn't come to me until the second day). And ever since (for three days), I have been enthusiastically trying to find new subjects, new words.

Today, while waiting for a ride/escort to return home after dark (my parents care for me deeply enough to fear for my safety after dark. I conform because I love them.), I went to K-Mart to meet B (ie: my escort). He had his own shopping to do, and he seemed very uninterested in how I would entertain myself. Since I was on my way back from work and my wallet was filled with fresh notes, I decided to buy. Its always better than window shopping. I bought:
- A permanent marker (My other one was a cheap one from BD, and it dried after a few days. I decided to not buy cheap stationary any more, if I can afford it.)
- A deodorant (SB was extremely nice and bought me one a while ago after my last one finished, however, he was probably also cheap. The sprayer does not work properly. Every time I've attempted to use it, the liquid streams down fingers and make them excruciatingly fragrant. But, if you ever come across this, SB - thank you for the thought and the effort!!)
- Hair band (the plastic ones that sit on top of your head and make you look like a primary school curry kid. Here is one such example.).
- Tiny post-it notes
- Coloured paper
- Highlight of the night: A little whiteboard with markers. $6. :)

Yes, I took the photo just for the tiny board in the middle. It reminds me of a little chalkboard we used to have in Bangladesh.I'm not sure how we got it, or where it went, but I remember pretending to be a teacher to my deformed staffed animals using that as a blackboard.

Also, I like coming up with lame quotes.

It is now 2.24 AM. I had a huuuuge conversation with Smruthi, which lasted 1949 lines in google chat. We talk about the most interesting things - its funny how we are very different outwardly, yet, I never have such talks with anyone else. That girl has an exam tomorrow (thank God its not in the morning!) and so, of course, she became a philosopher. :P I am extremely curious to see what happens to us in ten years. We dream way too much - dreams that are not too far out of reach, yet, not exactly within reach either. Not yet, at least. I might need to pass with flying colours in order to make it within reach.

And why have I written such a huge blog? I had something due yesterday, which I have extended to today, which I shall extend again to tomorrow night. Please forgive me, Sum. :( I also have to do quite a bit of work to prepare for the coming weekend.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I have to get a coffee tomorrow (today?) morning.

P.S: Today is special for several reasons:
- My mother, the superwoman, got a year older.
- B, the other half of B, is coming tonight, inshaAllah!! :) (Maybe I should call them B1 and B2?)
- It is the shortest day of this year.

Sweetness

I can only imagine the anticipation they must be feeling. Did his fingers tingle when he saw the letter? Did her heart beat a little faster when she heard the news? I wonder how they are hiding their smiles and walking about as if nothing have happened. Or is it too grand for words?

I hope they are happy, always and forever, falling a little more in love everyday. This is for you, B&B.

17th june

I am pretty sure there is a hole/an undiscovered pocket in my bag. In times of dire need, I forget that I failed to discover the opening in the past, and I take out everything in my bag to extract that pen that I keep feeling. And every single time, I have to put everything back in frustration and reaffirm that the hole/pocket has somehow become undone. It reminds of Finders Keepers by Emily Rodda - like it has somehow crossed a barrier that took it beyond my physical reality. What I need to do, is take out everything again, and look for the hole in broad sunlight, with a magnifying glass. And if I still can't find it, I shall just cut a hole and rescue the pen.

I have decided to quit working for the annoying employer that I keep referring to. Even though I love the kids, the woman is just too infuriating to work with. My uni timetable is also quite full next sem, so it would be good if I free up some hours. And everyone in my family synonymously agreed that I should quit. Therefore, next week, I shall tell her the bad (good) news, which will give her about a month to find someone new before the new school term starts. I have realised that stuffing my life with commitments is not the correct approach in developing myself. I really should learn to say 'no' when I cannot take up a responsibility, and if I do, I really need to learn to carry through. My goal was to never have too much time on my hands, which I have successfully reached, however, now I seem to have rolled over to the other side where I do not even have time to process any information/experience/feelings at all. The underlying reason for that goal was the fact that an idle mind is the devil's workshop, yet, my mind still seems to be his workshop even though I hardly have time for anything useful.

Therefore, I need to step back and re-evaluate. Once I have done so, I shall post in my currently dead blog - Secret of Worship.

I finished my exams today! The plan is to completely detox myself of junk food, unhealthy behaviours and lack of direction. However, I also woke up with a cold today, which means that most of my holiday will be spent finishing tissue boxes, in bed and complaining about how I should start the detox process but how I am unable to. However, most of it will probably be done over blog posts, so you can skip as much as you want to. :)

16th June

Words began by tumbling across your heart,

They stomp around in an arrogant, flaring rage,

They boil and brew the letters within themselves;

Words began by breaking out of their cage.

They try to find a way to climb to lips,

They stutter as they struggle in their path.

They clog your throat, hurrying in their quest,

Words cannot contain this untamed wrath.

The other words have broken down already,

They froze because they knew not what to do -

Melting into pieces of tiny tears,

Confused about which bits of them are true.

Some have risen from sweet memories of love,

Moments that are cherished by your heart.

Hidden in deeper corners than your thoughts

These words, too, finally begin to depart.

They walk in darkness, fly across,

They stumble in each other's ways,

They forget why they were formed at all

In this unsolvable maze.

They all arise, they rise, they rise.

Until they reach your eyes

One by one, they begin to fall.

Your lips could not bear them, so,

Your eyes have said it all.

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep

"...Waging war to shape the poet and the beat
I hope its going to make you notice
Someone like me.

I've been roaming around,
I'm looking down and all I see
Painted faces fill the places
I can't reach."

My latest favourite song is 'Use Somebody' by King of Leons. Not sure why, but it just popped into my mind today, even though I haven't listened to the song for a long while. Possibly because my exam is in just under thirty four hours and I could really use somebody who would agree to do my dirty work for me? My brain feels like the mush that Ms A described hers to be when little T was inside her stomach. I am not sure if its the excessive coffee or sugar consumption, and I am not sure why my brain would feel like a mush in that case anyway. But my stomach does too.. hmm...

I think my whole system is finally ruined. I read an article from DL's facebook a few days ago that I related to up to a frightening degree. I can't find it right now, but the gist was that uni students (it was about law kids, but since I can relate to it, I guess it can be extended to most other faculties) start off the semester with casual expensive lunches (preferred over the sandwich squashed at the corner of their bags), cooking elaborate dishes just to procrastinate, and end in chocolate, lollipops and a dangerous amount of coffee. There was something about alcohol too, and thank God it is explicitly forbidden in Islam.

Also, I was randomly blog surfing, because I ran out of ideas for procrastination. (Except staring blankly at walls... that never gets old.) So, I found this along the way. And I stole this from there:

Hehehehe.

Also, I took an awesome photo with post-its the other day, but it needs editing and I cannot be bothered to do so now. However, I  saw this cute video on a friend's wall.




Also, living with three married couples is sometimes quite annoying because no one else gets jokes or concepts that I find funny. I am pretty sure my siblings would have giggled over certain things a few years ago that make them look at me cluelessly now. Which makes things awkward.

I am going to sleep (okay fine you were right Smruthi) and then wake up tomorrow morning EARLY and study. InshaAllah.

.

I almost forgot that I used to write my thoughts in a special (which shall definitely stay unspecified) corner of my phone. The funny thing is, I can remember nearly every single situation when I read over my entries. Some of them are from Bangladesh when I had very little personal space - I just let all of my thoughts out through written words instead of letting them leak out in any other way. The thing with going for a holiday to a known place is that you cannot do anything silly. If you do, and people know about it, you must live with it for the rest of your life. If you lose your temper and punch a hole through someone's living room wall, it will not be fixed soon.

I had a lot more to write, but I am sleepy. 

Fragments

This morning, I walked out of the house wearing three layers of clothing, which included several pieces - skivvy, abayya, woollen jacket, jeans AND harem pants, and I still felt cold. I think what I need is a pair of boots, and I shall be able to completely eliminate any drafts coming through. My mum has a way of wearing a thick scarf on top of her hijab. She attempted to dress me that way when I was about eleven; I thought it looked horrible on me. However, since I have gotten older, wiser and possibly uglier, I have nothing to lose if I try that again. 

She looks beautiful though. I do not know how she manages to look so beautiful in so many things that make me look exactly the opposite.

My recent increase in sensitivity to the weather is alarming, since I have always been fascinated by snow. But it means that I am growing... somehow (not quite sure if its up). I remember when I was young and was able to run out in almost anything, whether it scorching or raining. A runny nose was never a problem, neither was dirt that came up to my knees. And if I could, I would play the whole day without a wink of sleep. Something happened along the way, and I seem to need sleep for half a day, each day. Runny noses annoy me, I avoid dirt and I don't quite like the current weather. There's a bengali saying - 'bangali nari, kurite buri' - 'bengali women grow old at twenty'. I feel the truth of this statement!

I went to uni today and I got some 'stuff done', instead of just whining about it. I just need to stick to my plan for the next week, and then I. Will. Be. Freeeee!

And I finished watching the first two seasons of The Office. The ending of the second season was so cute! Jim Halpert has climbed up my list above Ted Mosby amongst adorable characters. Watch, and you shall figure out why. Interesting fact - both of them have a rounded face. I am sure Freud has a brilliant theory about it.

I was reading Freud's development theories for psychology today. It reminded me that he was indeed a twisted man, with possibly a very traumatising childhood. (And google confirmed my suspicion.) 

I have a very weak resolve and I cannot stand people with weak resolve. Then why do I have a weak resolve? 

Because my other half will be someone of strong resolve.

And that, my friends, is an example of 'rationalisation' - a defence mechanism. Also a theory of Sigmund's, and quite a useful one. 

Love

Both the movie, and the song. Might re-watch after exams, or during procrastination.

Personal plans*

*Only I may feel the spirit each sentence is written with. :)

My physiology exam is in exactly one week and I am hoping to smash it. I am not quite sure how realistic the hope is, however, I still feel that flickering light burning. I have the rest of the day today, most of the day on thursday and friday to finish off my notes. Tomorrow, the weekend and one thursday next week will be psychology inshaAllah. And then the 18th would arrive and I shall be free! (iA)
I have quite a few things to do in the holidays (as always). However, as always, I am doubtful about whether I would get round to them at all. Though there are a few events that I am positive will definitely happen inshaAllah:
- 25th/26th June: AM LC
- 2nd July: T's henna party
- 9th July: T's reception (my sari artist ie: sis will not be in Sydney then. I honestly do not know what I will do without her.)
-  13th July: HP 7 at IMAX!! :)
- 17th July: 'Ramadan Roadtrip'

I watched a few episodes of The Office (because that is exactly what I do when exams approach). I can totally imagine a few of my friends working somewhere like that, with a crazy boss, an office romance and awkward moments. But cucirca episodes are really slow for this show. Anyone know any better places to watch it from?

On a tad heavier note: I could not complain about my life, alhamdulillah. I have everything I need and want, and I have hope that the things I am dreaming of might come true one day not too far away. 

What we cannot fathom

She prays for a pair of wings;
Wishes her heart could sing out loud.
She yearns to breathe the rain,
For it may wash her pain away.
She imagines the land beyond that fence,
Wonders what her chance could have been
Then laughs at her own silliness.
Does freedom exist at all?

Does the world ever hear their screams?
Gun shots, spilt blood,
Does it see their broken dreams?
Would it shudder at the thought of the crumbling building
that trapped her child last winter?

Or does it turn a blind eye,
Change the channel.
Pretend she does not exist at all. 
She wonders.


I wonder if she did, before their gun shot took her life.


A 23-year-old woman, identified as Enas Shreitih, from Al Yarmouk refugee camp in Syria was also among the killed by Israeli fire.

Certain friends

If you had to choose a favourite finger, which one would you choose? 

I recently found out that one of my very good friends has a blog. She wishes to remain anonymous to her known world, therefore, I shall not divulge any details. However, the more I know her, the more I am fascinated. I honestly don't understand why she has a social phobia - she's amazing! She would go out of her way to help anyone who needs it, and it would come right from her heart. She's intelligent, becoming strong-willed in self-discipline, pretty, creative and a lot of things a lot of people want to be. MashaAllah! I hope Allah enhances all the good things she has in herself and makes her one of the happiest people in both worlds. The nice thing is, she probably would never come across this. Even if she miraculously does, she would never realise that this is about her. :)

Another friend of mine is going through something that, at some level, is entirely new to me. I mean, I can relate to the concepts because I have made a similar mistake before, but I just do not know how to deal with its extent. I know how I felt when I was in my situation, and since mine was ten times less intense, I can only imagine how she must be feeling. I hope she can come through it.

On a completely different note - I hate keeping things from my friends, even if it is for their good and they will know when it is time. However, it puts me in an awkward position, and I am so bad at pretending that people can easily tell that something weird is going on. More details later.

CJ - if you ever come across this - Happy Birthday! Like I (and so many others) keep reminding you - you're nineteen! Why are you such an adult? :P

Satnesday (and happy belated birthday S)

Today feels like a Saturday... possibly because:
- I made pancakes.
- I took time to nicely present a pancake to myself (with natural yoghurt, vanilla creamed chocolate cookie crumbles and honey) and then had breakfast in bed while watching a TV show.
- My parents are home. And that's not supposed to happen on a Wednesday.
- I am legally missing university. Its the last week of uni and no lectures are on this week, therefore I have no classes today. :)

I made an awesome cup of spice tea today. I came up with the recipe myself and it has not turned into a disaster! I also made a cup for my mother and she agreed on its awesomeness. I would like to reiterate - my grandmother would be proud of me. :) (However, I still need to learn how to make milk tea, and on stove-top too. Then my grandmother would truly be very proud. :D)

I have to get quite a few things done today. My linguistics assignment is due tomorrow and I have very little idea about how to approach the questions. I need to get over my horrible performance on my exam and lack of attendance after that, and email my tutor and shamelessly beg to be guided. And I am very glad that I decided to cut most of my hair off and decided to look like a 'boy' (according to my mother) because although I am giving it the same treatment as I have done in the near past, it has not knotted up as usual. The human male species does have an easier life. However, I must conform to my femininity and do something about it today. Also, although my room is not quite the pigsty yet, it is not something my mother would love to walk into, therefore I need to clean it up. I also need to vacuum the whole house because the effect of lack of vacuuming has began to show...

Arghh SO MUCH to do. :(

I hate to admit it in such a public place, but I have watched a few episodes of Gossip Girl. The reason why I am making such a revelation is that there was a tiny part in it that (amongst many other tiny parts) that I have experienced before. Serena tells someone about something about Blair and there is no way that Blair is supposed to find out, yet, she tells Serena that 'I know that you were the one...'. My point is, some people just 'somehow' seem to know things, much to the oblivion of others. It is such a huge betrayal of friendship (of course I have stopped talking about GG - its filled with betrayals so it has the least importance in the characters' life lessons.)! So, when I realise that some of people are trying to 'protect' me (or something) by not opening up completely about a certain thing, I automatically distance myself, without even thinking about it. And, on the other hand, when you can fully trust someone with your 'secrets'/weaknesses/anything - that is what strengthens bonds.

On that topic, let me introduce my friend - Smruthi (who has introduced herself in here a longgg time ago, but this is the formal one. ;)). I have known this girl since year 8, English - the day that our deputy left her with us. Somehow, she automatically became part of our group. We spent nearly three years at the same school, then two years at different school. Then we started to go to the same university a year and a half ago. Although we spent two of our 'growing-up' years apart, it often seems that we have grown together and closer than ever. High school rivalry with grades has left us (because we are doing two different degrees, and we are quite happy with a pass... oh how our standards have dropped since year 8!). We have no common enemies within our vicinity either. Therefore, we seem to have a lot of conversation about 'life' in general. I love the way Smruthi thinks. Even though she is surrounded by superficial people who often prove that they have not grown out of high school mentality, Smruthi is able to take a holistic outlook (most of the time. :P). We are both in the same boat with our future - neither of us know what's happening to it. She loves her family dearly, has a soft heart and appreciates the simple beauties of life (even though she doesn't realise it often). I love you Smruthi, and I hope you never stop becoming the wonderful woman that you have started to become, and is capable of being. This dedication was supposed to go here four days ago, but you know me well enough to know how much I procrastinate.