Matrices

A few days ago, a facebook friend posted a report about a political injustice happening in Bangladesh. Then another friend of his and I had a facebook fight about the legitimacy of reports etc, with him believing a lot of the bs that bengali media throws out, and me trying to prove my point that they are indeed a load of bs. At one point, he questioned my premise of 'truth' quite mockingly - "How do we know what truth is? Maybe we're living in a matrix?" Interestingly, even though he was joking, it has an element of truth in it. What IS the truth and how do we know it? What if your perception of the truth isn't really truth?

The way we know what truth is is through our inherent ability to understand logic. And truth is what we believe to be true, right? So, I say that I logically believe in one All Powerful Being - Allah. (P.S: Ask me what the logic is next time you see me. :P). And everything else that I 'believe' flows from that one logical belief. Which makes sense, because people who 'believe' in modern science only, thinks that whatever you can perceive with your physical senses are 'truth' -- that is their starting point of their logic, and every other belief flows from that.

Anyway, so, from my belief, I know that everything- everything in life is a test and/or a blessing. So, in essence, we might actually be living in something like a matrix. In relation to me, everything else is a test/blessing. So, everything else is part of the matrix. In relation to you, I am a part of it. However I treat you is not controlled by you, so if you think of me as just another part of a matrix, then all you need to do is figure out how you should treat me, and vice versa. The catch is to not take this metaphor too far and actually believe that its okay to jump off a roof because you can bend a spoon, because they aren't really there. :P

Tying camels and burning bridges

I was quite excited for Ramadan to begin this year. I am experimenting with a few things this year and so I am interested in seeing what the results will be at the end of the month. There are a few really useful tools by ProductiveRamadan which helps in keeping plans and reviews structured. I know it has only been four days so far, but I think I've already decided that I'll use the taskinator even after Ramadan. The other reason why I am excited is that I am trying to grasp the concept of stopping thinking about what my abilities are and what category of personality I fit into, and removing all sense of limits from my mind, because Allah's ability is limitless and everything comes from Him. If anyone is able to fully understand and live by this line of thought, they would be quite happy and successful. This needs to be done with the correct intention and carefully steering clear of delusions, ie: not sleeping for a week and functioning well is possible because anything is possible by Allah. Yes, anything is possible, but Allah wants us to tie our camels!

I have a box full of diaries filled with my innermost thoughts. I write in a diary when I have something to sort out in my mind by myself. When I have my thoughts down on paper, I can rearrange things easily and make sense out of what seemed like a ball of fuzz. I'm assuming we all have moments when all we feel like doing is ranting out the most absurd things and screaming our heads off. I usually do it on paper, so that I don't chuck a fit at someone else and hurt them, which is very easy to do when we are feeling negatively emotional. I liked doing that with certain people sometimes too, people who are very non-judgmental and work as a 'wall' (as NS described it). But then, I realised, as soon as I have such conversations online, they are written in a space that isn't mine, and are no longer confined to staying in the past. Which is why I prefer the diary method much better now. But the problem is - things in there are for my eyes, and my eyes only. I am wondering whether I should burn them, because I can't really guarantee that they will not fall in someone else's hands. And anything that isn't in your control but is supposed to be in your control isn't healthy for your state of mind. But then, I don't want to just burn away years and years of thoughts! I think I started writing a diary pretty properly since I was 13 - which means I have 9 year's worth of stuff. But then, is it really worth anything if all it'll do is bring about more negativity? Isn't it better to burn bad bridges?

Scattered thoughts

I am really, really cold. Z is playing with household objects. I think I could do with a nice cup of coffee, or a well made cup of tea. But I'm too cold. I woke up with a sore throat. The rest of my family is at this weekend's Al Kauthar course. I missed out because I didn't sign up on before the tickets were sold out. Some days, some minor things seem like they are the most annoying things in the world. Like, this morning, when everyone was busy in the kitchen, their voices seemed like sharp knives in my ear. There was no particular reason for this to happen. 

I would like a cup of coffee, but I don't feel too enthusiastic about going and making one because I know that Z would throw a tantrum when I refuse to let her take a sip. I'm thinking of buying matching mugs for the two of us. I can make coffee in mine and she can drink milk in hers. Mine can be the normal sized one and hers can be an espresso cup. I'll have to find a perfect set though.

Z needs changing out of her pj's. 

Ramadan in 2 days!

Things

Today was a really busy day and I'm assuming tomorrow will be one too. We have our annual Ramadan workshop on Sunday. We usually leave the focus group quite wide, but this time, we decided to keep to high school students, and move to an entirely new location. We are doing quite a few things that we haven't done before, so it would be interesting to see the results. But, next time, I really do need to finish everything a week before, instead of a day before. MM keeps reminding me of this gently (as gently as is possible) every time I need to schedule people in for IAW. I really do need to stop with this delaying things till last minute sometime.

My current favourite thing in the world is 'Everything is Illuminated' by Jonathan Safran Foer. He is one of those writers that seem to know you inside out and then take that knowledge and illustrate it through a very specific situation (a situation that you otherwise would not be able to relate to at all). I love the way he manipulates his words to give a perfect picture but in a way that you wouldn't think of. I love the fact that he makes you feel things - smile, laugh and cry - purely with words. Its poetry in the form of a novel.

I wish I had more hours in a day.

A quite confusing post

A friend of mine has recently been reminding of how I was like a few years back. Not sure whether funny or tragic, but I honestly cannot remember how to be like that version of me. In fact, I probably am so confused about myself right now, that at this point, I don't know how to be any version of anyone. But, MM said something to me the other day - if you can free yourself of labels, you will realise that those labels don't define you. You don't have to be a particular way in order to be yourself. But in saying that, if you have no sense of standards, you begin to lose yourself. Its a hard balance to strike.

Speaking of striking a balance between things - figuring out just how much to care about what people say. You need to care about it a particular amount if you want to live in a civilised society, but you cannot care about it too much if you want to be yourself. The solution is to stick to your values like a parasite. I wish I could, though. Sometimes, I feel like I have everything figured out. I know exactly what I am doing and exactly how to do it. And then, there are times like these, when I try to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. 

I just watched a movie called Silver Lining Playbook. Its about two people with psychological disorders trying to keep going with their lives. In their heads, whatever they are doing and going through are perfectly logical. They feel like everyone else is living a lie and they are the ones who are completely honest with themselves. Most people treat them differently - with fear and confusion. It made me think - we all have a certain amount of 'craziness' within ourselves. Its only diagnosed as a disorder when it impedes daily life or harms the society in some way. It also reminded me of this quote: We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. So basically, two ideas: the fact that characteristics are in a continuum and we all lie somewhere in them, its only when you are too far into the continuum of a few chosen ones that you are considered to have a disorder. And love.

I don't think my crazy side has seen daylight with anyone or anything except for some diary pages. But, if I had to choose a person who knows that side of me the most, it would be my sisters. I think I scare her sometimes. I don't think its such a bad thing to hide away most of one's craziness. It gets in the way of living as a sensible, responsible global citizen. :)

Mind games

At this particular point in time, nothing matters except the soft rays of sun on your face. Nothing matters except the water droplets on your hair. Your thoughts can untangle themselves in another hour. All of your responsibilities can come knocking at your door this afternoon, even. But, right now, just close your eyes, and forget.

Things that piss me off #2

- Inconsiderate people
- When someone else expects me to be inconsiderate towards someone else in order to be considerate towards them.
- Screaming/shouting
- Headaches that result from hearing people scream and shout about petty things
- To-do lists (although its growing nature saddens me rather than pisses me off)

Now that that's off my chest, I can go study statistics. 

The kid who stole my heart

Z turned one on the 2nd of June. She can now eat, drink, stand up by herself, almost get off the bed, walk while holding onto things, pretend to read books and almost say my name. I look after her three days a week and it makes me go through a whole lot of emotions and thought processes. Some days I feel like a pro, some days I wonder how I can ever think of having kids. But most days, its fun. I make up silly songs and we dance. I sip on my coffee while she munches on her biscuit. We share a glass of milk. We pretend to beat drums with pots and pans. I hang up the washing and she plays with pegs, or crawls around on the grass, or chases ants on the porch. I work or study, and she flicks through her books. She wakes up from her naps and cries a little, then calms down when I wrap my arms around her. When she's tired, she lays her head on me, then slowly drifts to sleep as I walk around with her. Of course its not always like that - sometimes I walk around for about half an hour or more, only to look at her and be met with a giggle. Then I feel like just turning everything off and eating chocolate.

Her kisses are rare and special, but I ask her to 'give me a kissie' quite frequently - just to take my chances! She does give out flying kisses though, to random strangers as well. She loves playing with pens and markers, drinking out of a cup and banging things. When she sees a hair brush, she picks it up and pretends to brush her hair. She copies us when we cough, then we copy her, then she copies us again, and it turns into a little game that ends up in giggles. Sometimes, she just lays her head against me, and stays there for a while.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone, or had as much fun with anyone, as Z. She warms up my heart.

Here's what Z has to say to you lot:

r r,z            k  09kep0deocd  nnj jr l jksx   k    cx

Reminiscing

When ma goes away for a few days, the rest of the family starts living like housemates. Everyone is free to have their own plans, eat and drink whatever they want, keep things as messy or as clean as they'd like - we don't really care all that much. I suppose its awesome when its only for two days. But if we have to live like this for months, I don't think we'd survive. Ma keeps this family glued together.

I remember this time last year - I was knee deep in other people's dramas. Its funny - the dramas have all left my life right now, or maybe those people left? Or maybe I left? I'm not quite sure, but I am definitely quite far from drama nowadays. A few days later from today last year, I would have crashed my parents' car. At that time, we had two cars in our family of seven working adults. One of the cars were mostly used by ma and baba. So, I, along with the other kids of the family, drove the other car. I drove it for about 3 weeks after getting my red Ps. In those three weeks - I drove it to work at night with the radio playing high, exercised road rage, missed collisions by inches, remained lazy (driving to work meant that it cut down my travel time to about 15 mins instead of 45 mins, but I can't remember a day that I used that extra half an hour productively).

The night that I crashed the car - I was listening to the radio - Brokenhearted by Karmin was playing. It was either raining, or the road was wet from the rain from before. I was on my way back from tutoring a year 12 student. She was a new student, so I didn't know my way back from her house completely. I crossed the road, got inside the car, turned it on, turned the volume up, began driving, reached for my phone and started setting the GPS. I turned around at the end of the very short road, looked down at my GPS- and then it happened. My face was on the wheel, the music stopped and I had that tight feeling inside me. All I wanted to do was to back out and drive away. It never occurred to my arrogant self that I could possibly crash that badly. I got out of the car feeling very lost. People from the houses nearby came out. I can't remember whether I called my dad or he called me - or was it my brother? But I remember not wanting to call my mother and tell her about it, ever. I crashed it into a tree in front of an old couple's house. They came out and asked me what happened. The man called me a 'stupid girl' (very rightly so!), the woman gave me a glass of water, I realised my nose was bleeding. The woman dropped me home. I was feeling shaken, embarrassed, stupid and very, very regretful. I don't think I've ever felt that much regret in my life.

My parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Nothing happened alhamdulillah, but something could have definitely happened. I didn't even take a good look at the car, but my student later told me about its condition. I was also told that the battery could have blown up, because the engine was squashed by the tree - I could have died. The next day, I tried to arrange for the car to be picked up by a car dealer my dad knows. The day after, the police came knocking on my door. They told me that someone called up and reported about the car, charged me for wreckless driving and told me that if I don't get it picked up soon, the police will do so. I kept chasing up the guy we know, but he didn't end up doing his job on time, so I got charged double by the police. Another stab of regret.

I think this happened after my first exam. I still had three left. I couldn't study, I felt numb, guilty. I didn't know how to make it up to my family. My grandma was here at that time, and Z was born a week or two before the crash. B was supposed to take the car with him a few weeks after that, because he moved out a few weeks before - moved out for the first time. I didn't really tell any of my friends about the crash in so much detail, because I hadn't yet processed it in my mind. I did not attempt one of the exams, and scraped past the other two. I kind of stopped caring about university at that point - my friends were going through horrible changes, I had to somehow pay off everything to do with the car, work was getting bad, my sleeping was all over the place, I got physically sick, and nanu was still over at our place - so I still needed to make sure I smiled. I know people who have gone through much worse, so, alhamdulillah that that was one of the lowest points in my life.

I quit ABA therapy a few months after that. The progress of the kids plateaued and I had no idea how to fix it. I wasn't sure if I was doing everything right and I constantly felt like the parents were wasting their money by paying me. All the money that I had saved had gone behind the car. I had to start over. I can't remember much of university from my second semester, except for psychopathology classes. I started the semester by caring about things, and ended it by giving up. I began to avoid the people I used to do group studying with, because I never did much of my part. That was the time that I went through a lot of changes about my world view as well. I did a lot of thinking about my thinking and changed the way I thought. That happens all throughout your life, and I record mine in this blog, yes, but, during that time, big changes were quite condensed into a few months or so.

So, what have I learnt by reminiscing?
- To be more forgiving and merciful to others. I don't know what they are going through, I can try to understand, but I can never fully put myself in their shoes. I have made several wrong decisions during those months, but I needed to sort through them myself. Being judged by someone else would have never helped.
- To remember that I can die at any time, but Allah has given me a chance, and is still giving me that chance. I will get that second chance till my last breath. But I don't know when my last breath will come. I need to plan for the future and work on the present.
- To stop going hard and soft on myself and just stick to neutrality. If I make a mistake, I need to come up with a strategy to bounce back and move forward. Balance.
- To stop wasting my life by complaining, watching stupid TV shows or feeling sorry for myself.
- Life is too short to care about what I think what other people are thinking. But life can possibly be too long to take spontaneous decisions that will affect me/someone else negatively for a very long time. 

Days like this

The sky seems like it will rain at any moment. I have a heap of clothes that need to be handwashed. My room needs to be cleaned. Z's toys are everywhere. Kitchen needs to be cleared out. I need to reply back to some emails and messages. I planned to exercise today... must motivate myself to do so sometime. There are some things that my mum wants me to do that needs to be done. Z needs to be fed. I need to call up Vodaphone again. I heard about a man who looked through 800 dead bodies just to find his daughter, after which, he was able to claim 20, 000 taka from the government. Aid money isn't reaching those people because of the corruption. Rape rates are sky rocketing in Syria. Max Brenner is opening up at my uni and allowing consumerism to further consume up humanity.

On days like this, I feel like shutting off from the world - not picking up the phone, not checking my emails, not reading the news, not remember that I have a live baby in my care. I feel like curling up with a cup of coffee and forget that I need to keep fighting my battles, no matter how small they are.

Jung Typology

My life changed so much in the past year. In fact, after I wrote that sentence, I remembered my obsession with personality tests and thought I should do one again. I got INTJ - I (33%), N (12%), T (25%), J (1%). This is quite amusing, because about a year ago, I was I/E N/S FP. Of course, this is no where close to being exact science. My personality is quite malleable and changes according to the people I respect and/or hang around with. But, even if I just judge by my responses, I can see that I have changed a tad over those months!

World Newses

The world is becoming more and more similar to the worlds from dystopian movies from the 90s. I wish it was an option to just turn everything off and hide in a little comfortable corner, and still turn out okay for eternity. 

Grudges, Misunderstandings, Forgiveness- and all that jazz

I got hurt by someone I love this morning and it slowed my productivity by a mile. All I felt like doing was hide under the covers and cry tears of annoyance. And, after I did some hiding, and some crying and some writing, I realised a few things. (This is going to be a YM type writing, so if you're allergic to mushiness, leave now or forever hold your peace.)

The person who hurt me has no idea that I got hurt. Every time I try to talk to said-person about a certain thing that he/she said that hurt me, it always ends up down the wrong road. She (for the purposes of this writing, lets keep it to a female, but read 'he/she') misunderstands me somehow, and I'm never able to make my point with her. For a long time, I thought the problem was with me. I thought that I am not able to express myself well, which is why there are so many misunderstandings. Then I came across some people who understood me so well that I didn't feel the need of putting up a guard. Its like neither of us felt that it is possible to have hidden meanings behind words, so we just assume the best possible apparent meaning. And if that apparent meaning isn't the best possible one, we would talk about it as soon as possible. I got so used to being so lucky that I forgot that people often do hide what they mean, so, when those people in my life began popping up again, I fell back into walking down the wrong road.

My point is - there are some people that you will have a clear line of communication with, and some with whom you will have no idea what book they are on, let alone being on the same page. Ideally, you would stop interacting with these people because they get on your nerves so much that you feel like murdering them every time they open their mouth. But, that is not possible. Especially if you love them so much.

This is the way I see it now. After I get hurt, I can do one of two things - I can deal with it with that person or I can deal with it myself. (There's no third option, because you always need to deal with things.) Doing either of those requires me to remember where I am from and where I am going. In Islam, interactions with others is so important that if you're unjust to someone else, it can be your ticket to hell. So, I need to take care of my side of things. I need to make sure that I am being fair and assertive, but not aggressive. I need to make sure that I go down the most effective path, instead of the path that will make me feel better. So, even if it makes me feel temporarily better to scream my head off at that person, will it really make a difference? I need to think about the position of that person in my life, their personality, their situations.

I need to remember that we are all selfish in one way or another, and the best way to use our selfish nature is if we use it to be selfish about Jannah. I need to remember that I need to get there, and if someone hurts me, its only better for my hereafter. Some people desperately try to forgive others so that the other person's hereafter is intact, in the process of which go into a self-denying cycle of subconscious grudge, which might turn into some sort of action in the future that will end up ruining their own hereafter. So, remember to take care of your own survival first.

If you keep your own intentions and actions in check, and you remember that your ultimate goal is Jannah, nothing in the world can defy your happiness. If you really love that person, somewhere down the track, things will be fixed and you'll subconsciously forgive them.

(I hope the above will make sense to Future L.)

Things that piss me off

In no particular order.

- People who are dissatisfied with things they can't change.
- People who are dissatisfied with things they can change, but instead of changing them, just complain about them. To others. Personal blogs/diaries/God doesn't count.
- When people who critique society in order for others to notice what it is that they can change even though they think they cannot are labelled as complainers.
- Overtly materialistic people.
- Directing strong words towards one particular person in order to inflict pain.
- People who keep falling out on their responsibilities for stupid reasons. I know, I know, I am one of them. I piss myself off too.
- Adults who are yet to snap out of their teenage state.
- Teenagers.
- When the house is messed up ten minutes after I have cleaned it, by an 11 month old kid.
- When that particular 11 month old kid refuses to fall asleep during her nap time.
- People who care way too much about social expectations, and lose themselves in the process.
- Jealousy.
- People who make a lot of mistakes yet are unforgiving towards others.
- The blue pill.

Cravings

I think my plan has worked. I no longer 'crave' coffee as much as I did... last week. In saying that, I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying a cup every now and then. I am currently sipping on organic fair trade coffee, freshly ground and espresso-ed. A few articles convinced me to go organic in terms of coffee - more anti-oxidants, less caffeine per cup, no artificial pesticides used during cultivation, better for the environment and so on. I haven't done much research on Fair Trade products, but from what I know, they follow a certain level of standards in taking care of their workers. "What Fair Trade ensures is that producers receive a fair price no lower than the market price. It also ensures that there is accountability and transparency in the supply chain." All in all, its a pretty good deal!

So yes, not craving things has a really big advantage. We crave something when we expect it in our life, but can't get our hands on it. So, if we can learn to eliminate that expectation for 'things' (and people), then we can enjoy those much more, because we will be cherishing their presence. 

Food

I ran out of coffee beans. I can't remember when I finished them, but it must've been a while - about a week? I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms, and attempting to address them by inventing new things with tea bags. My best invention is probably this: Fill a cup with half water and half low fat milk and put it in the microwave for three minutes. About a minute later, add some cinnamon and a tea bag or two. Another minute later, add a bit of lemon/orange rind and some bits of dry ginger. Keep a watch so that the liquid doesn't boil over, but, comes to a 'boil'. Once you've paused and started the microwave a few times to stop it from boiling over but letting it come to a boil, take it out, squeeze the tea bag out, spoon out the cinnamon and add a spoon of honey. Let it cool for a minute or two, and you are ready to go! It's simple and easy, but it also has the right kind of heaviness, as well as the right kind of freshness.

In saying that, I must say I miss my coffees. But, in saying that, I do realise I have been pulled deeper into the traps of caffeine than anticipated. I know its just coffee, and I know I laugh about it. But it goes a little more than that. The fact that I'm so dependent on it to make me feel 'awake' is a little scary. It goes against rules of nature to be so dependent on anything in this world. My mum always tries to tell me this. About different things - over the years - because I am the type of person to get attached to people/things really easily. I think my mum is like me too, but she tries to negate that side of herself by thinking that she isn't attached. Which is pretty useful, and healthy, if you can do it properly. (And unfortunately, very unhealthy if you can't! Your mind would keep negating what your heart keeps telling you, and you will suffer from a major cognitive dissonance. :P)

I also realised I have been sounding a little preachy lately (or maybe.. for a while?). I apologise if I have annoyed you. Preachy people annoy the hell out of me (note the pun :P), because, they listen less, and talk more. Just because a person is religious, does not mean he/she has to be preachy, and just because someone is preachy, does not necessarily mean it must be about religion. Its just basically conversing with someone, without really engaging in the conversation. Generally, it is characterised by broad statements and revolve around a particular topic. I detest people who do not engage in conversations, who are thinking about something else while talking to you, because it shows that they are subconsciously thinking that you are not worthy of their full attention.

So, yes, I apologise. But, at the same time, I know why I may have been so. My mind often feels overwhelmed by the amount of thoughts it has, because of the exposure to different ideas. So, I would be thinking about one thing, but would move on to something else without letting the first thought fully develop. A fully developed thought comes with closure, and usually, some action points, while a half-developed thought is filled with emotions, because your mind hasn't resolved its bits and pieces. So, when there are several half developed thoughts, your mind becomes one messed up place and an emotional train wreck.

What I need to remember is this: Life is denied by a lack of attention, whether it be cleaning windows, or trying to write a masterpiece. I wrote it down from a book that Miffy recommended to me, but I am forgetting to live by it lately. I need to remember that I cannot save the world with the very limited resources I have, and it won't do if I just keep talking about it. You will be living in delusion if you think that merely talking about something is an action in itself, or that you, yourself, can save a huge problem that is affecting people around the globe. There is no use in trying to save others if you are not saved yourself. So, whatever is in your mind, put it down on paper (or the screen). Once all your issues are out of your head, sort them into action points. Then, get to it, whether it be cleaning windows, or writing a masterpiece. And remember to put all of yourself in it for the duration of time that you spend doing it.

Blunders

When I veer away from the path towards my destination, knowingly, that's when my mind is at its lowest point. That's when my heart breaks in two. That's when I tune out of my rationality and turn up my sensations, so that I feel the thud of my shoes on the footpath harder than usual, so that the screech of a bird high above me rings in my ear, so that the tires of the cars driving past seem a little too loud. Because, I know, as soon as I tune back into my thoughts, my mind would curse me. My brain would tell my heart off for being so weak. I have no excuses for being so reckless with myself, except that I am human.

The other reason why I avoid rational thoughts during those times is because the rational side of me will make me feel very guilty for being so selfish. The world is in a turmoil, people are being killed as a result of injustice every single day. And there are several actions that I can take. There are several projects that I have gotten involved in, and several more that I intend to get involved in. These things are things that we should do as lucky citizens of the world, they are nothing extra that we should be congratulated for. In other words, its our duty to do as much as we can as fellow human beings because we are so much luckier than them in terms of worldly resources. So, when my mind is a mess, I avoid the world, and in turn, my mind hates the mess that it is in.

Nothing is the end of the world, until you die. But, one must remember that the last breath can come at any moment. So, the time to pick yourself up is now. The time to replace a bad with a good is now. Move forward, even if you don't want to, the past will fix itself up if the damage is light. The more damage that is done, the more fixing it'll take. So, you need to start fixing at a time when the damage is minimal, or as minimal as can be. The thing to learn from sins is that its a good reminder that you are not above anyone or anything. What you consider to be horrible that is done by someone, you can fall into it too.  It is only by the grace of God that you are saved. So, be thankful for that grace and use it!

In other news, I bought "A Room with a View" today. It's turning out to be a funny novel. I also had a mocha in a huge cup from a new coffee shop and wrote pages after pages in a brand new notebook. Why is that so therapeutic for me? I do not need retail therapy, I need notebook in a cafe therapy. Now that I have had my therapy and self-talk, I feel much better. I shall depart now. :)

Advice to future self

You can't be perfect, but strive for perfection in some things anyway. Strive for perfection in the things that matter, and the only things that matter are the things that will count towards Jannah. With the things that don't matter - don't get too bogged down if you can't get something perfect. Make sure there is at least one well wisher in this world who knows what you are up to. Secrets are dangerous for developing your perception. Try to achieve a balance in your emotions and exercise your intellect. Keep the end goal in sight and know, that everything you do, everywhere you go, every happiness you feel - it is all from Allah. 

What's been happenin' in there

I've been wanting to write for a while, but haven't found the time or the words. I suppose, I haven't found the inspiration either. Why did I write here all that time? I began writing with a few others, then I moved on to writing for one of or two people. Then, I've just been writing for myself. I mentioned that there isn't much I have to hide, hence, all can be out in the open in this space, just in case I turn out to be some kinda psycho and I can't see it myself but someone else can. But, in the past year or so, I am not sure whether I have fulfilled that purpose either. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but they take too long to process and write, all in one place. So, I have been writing here and there. Some were in personal diaries, some to friends. And, alhamdulillah, I think I've figured a lot of it out. I think I have changed a lot too, in this past year. Another reason that I wrote here is so that I would be able to know myself when I go back and read. I don't think that's so true any more. I can't read what I wrote two years ago and figure out the present. But that's okay, because the present is mostly figured out nowadays, and that's all that matters regarding myself.

I have a huge day planner for the year. I try to write a list of things to do every day, and make a rough schedule of how my day will go. It's working, more or less. I think I have trouble keeping balance between how much time I spend in my head, and how much time I spend "doing" things. I definitely prefer one over the other, but at different times. I am not entirely sure if its possible to do so at any one time. But its definitely better than being overwhelmed with the thousand things in my head.

"Careful now, with my head.
I said, careful now, what you do with my head.
Make your mind up,
Make your little mind up.
To each is his own,
each is her own."

Reminder

"Three things will benefit a person after they pass away: Knowledge that they leave behind that people benefit from, a continuing charity (sadaqah jaariyah), and a righteous child that will seek forgiveness for their parents."

The Prophet (SAW) explains what constitutes as sadaqah jariyah in another hadith: "A slave of Allah will continue to get rewarded for seven things after they are deceased and in their graves: 1- Whoever taught knowledge. 2- Facilitated a pathway for water 3- Built a well 4- Planted a tree 5- Built a Masjid 6- Gave a copy of the Quran 7- Left a child behind that will seek forgiveness for them after their death." (Sahih Al-Jami' 3602)