Currently favourite

So, Lately.

After reading an excerpt from 'The Little Prince' in someone's status, I decided to begin reading it myself. I am up to chapter seven and I think it has already began to become one of my favourite books. However, I do fear I am becoming like one of those adults the main character keeps referring to. It seems like I just don't have enough time to do anything any more, yet my to-do list seems to grow anyway. And even though I create lists and maintain a diary, I always seem to forget certain things that come back to me in the most inconvenient of times. The perks of growing old. :/

When I had the time to spend the day just watching clouds, or curl up in my bed while reading and munching on a green apple with salt and red pepper, I really looked up to the people whose lives were constantly busy doing things that are worthwhile. And don't get me wrong - I still do look up to those. But, now that I got my own self doing things that are supposedly worthwhile, I often feel myself burning out. Now I know why both workaholics and people who take life way too easily are ridiculed. Neither life is actually awesome. What would be absolutely awesome is the balance between the two (and hence, I realise, the wisdom of the importance of balance in Islam). I even have the perfect plan to balance things out. I just have not implemented it yet!

I went to an Eid fair this year and went on four rides, all of which I thoroughly loved and hated. They took me to one of those epiphanies: I am extremely fearful of heights. However, they also gave me hope. I almost had a phobia of deep water when I was young. I would cry when anyone tried to teach me swimming in my grandma's pond, or when we got on boats to go to my dad's village. This used to happen at least once or twice a year. But, somehow, possibly through repeated exposure to water, I got over it. I am even starting swimming from Friday inshaallah! Even though I don't know how to swim, I am  hoping to teach myself.  So yes, there is hope, because, with repeated exposures to scary rides, I might one day be ready to climb the Harbour Bridge, bungy jump and sky dive. Probably in that order. :)

So, as I sit and write this at a train station, a couple of high school kids begin to show PDA in the bench next to mine. I usually have no idea how to react to the slightest forms of PDAs, such as an exchange of loving glance. I usually just begin to feel like the third wheel. But that said, it doesn't mean I don't find such glances cute. And I also think I would feel very restricted if I felt like I was inconveniencing others when I one day feel like some PDA-ing. Yet, it is highly uncomfortable. Also, where do you draw the line of what's appropriate? Every one and every place has different standards - but I think, once you begin to love someone, and you are with them, you often feel like you two are the only two people in the entire world. Which, of course, makes things harder for those around you, because you begin to deny the existence of those that exist.

Talking about existence reminds me of BDR. He is one of the very different people I met in neuroscience this year. As CJ would say, 'in our own worlds, we would never have crossed paths'. He is tall, blonde and blue eyed, and comes from the 'bible belt' of Australia. His whole name is very typical. Basically, outwardly, he has no trace of anything that will make one think he's any different to any other person you see in one of those Australian TV shows. However, the more I got to know him, the more I realised that there are many different levels that a person can connect to with another. The conversations that I enjoy the most with him are arguments about 'existence', it seems. The reason why I love talking to him is that he listens. A lot of people think that they listen, but they never do. They just want to re-confirm what they think is true. I hate that, possibly because, I know that I do that sometimes. However, I am trying hard to grow out of it. And the more I try to get rid of it, the more I feel the importance of listening. Yes, life may become a little harder because your ego has been hurt. But that’s how people change. And if people were never meant to change in the world, Allah would have created us as grown ups with perfection. :)

The other people that I met are: XNH (A talented singer - I am thinking of asking if she wants to sing my songs - who comes from a very multicultural family.), another person whose initials I cannot remember, BLB (who constant swears, then says sorry. 'Dude's everyone, complains about life, smokes, but is an extremely amusing person. I already enjoy being around her while doing the neuroscience group assignment, but also I think I would truly enjoy her company once I get to know her a little better), NP (whose name sounds an awfully lot similar to Nicholas Sparks. He lives away from his family, and when I asked him how his uni break was, one of the things he lovingly mentioned was 'food that someone else cooks for you'. And I realised, yet again, why I love that I live at 'home'.).

Several things have made me appreciate the fact that my 'home' is in fact the house that I live in. NR sent me her HSC story to mark a long time ago. But it was only yesterday that I got a chance (and remembered) to go through it. The idea of it was to portray how 'we' sometimes feel like we don’t belong anywhere. But, I figured, it does not necessarily apply to me. My parents have left their home in BD when they came here, and I am not sure if they will ever completely think of their lavish house as a 'home'. That is not where they spent most of their life, built their life, figured out what they want to do with their lives. Its something that they built out of a lot of hard work, love and effort, yes, but does that define what 'home' is?  Whereas - me - my home has my family, my adolescence in cardboard boxes that I can take out and reminisce about every now and then, my space, the beginning of my career, the dreams of building a life, protection, love, support in every single way. Its all in the same country, same city - under one roof. How many people around the world can say that about themselves?

I still do think I want to travel. But I have also began to realise how important my family is to me, and how much I don't ever want to live too long too far from home.

PS: The birth anniversary of two of my beautiful best friends just passed yesterday. I hope they always remain beautiful in my eyes, and best friends in my heart. 

When walking forward is the only option

Once again, I am at the doorstep of a difficult week ahead of me. Once again, I feel like I have too much on my plates and not enough time to digest it all. I have several exams, one quiz and one report due next week. Ramadan is nearly at its end, and, I have felt increasingly annoyed at myself for not using this time to its fullest. A certain issue has prodded my mind for the past few weeks, until I finally cleared it up, but its effects have not worn out yet. My responsibilities and lack of being responsible is making me very tired.

However, I am also getting to know myself in these days. Today, I made a list of the things I know about myself. What prompted me was the conversation with CJ yesterday. I have been failingly trying to get him to start a blog because everything he says is quite quote worthy. For example, one of his recurring themes is about learning from every single experience and mistake. Which I totally agree to, in theory, however, I actually have not seen anyone, from close, cling to their values more than this person (apart from probably FG - the best friend that we both share). So, its always an inspiration to actually think about the things he says. One of things he said was, from my blog, two things about me was very clear - insecurity and peace. Two very different things, so of course, they have been recurring in my life in different times. And, it took me seconds to figure out, the times that I feel 'peaceful' - are the times I feel close to Allah.

When I feel close to Allah, I can let go of all worries, because I know He knows what will happen to me in the future. I know He is my Creator, so He knows what is good for me. If studying Psychology and Neuroscience has taught me anything, it is to appreciate Allah's creation and power more and more everyday. So many things are happening simultaneously, and without a care about anything else in the world. The sun rises while millions of birds fly out while even more ants start to crawl while grass grows while children smile while the world revolves while its night on the other side of the world while thousands of people cry to their Creator out of gratefulness or frustration. While I type, as soon as my fingers touch the letters, it sends the message to my brain via several chemical reactions, which then sends a message back, 'permitting' the touch. And the same thing happens as I press on a key, and pull my finger up. At the same time, millions of neurons are firing away thoughts in my head. While my digestive system takes care of the iftaar and my nose, lungs and heart and several other parts of my body allows me to breathe. ALL happening simultaneously, every single moment. And ALL of it is in control of Allah. Externally, internally, physically and emotionally - we are completely reliant on our Creator.

There have come so many moments in my life when I thought something was not possible, but Allah made it possible. Nation wide poetry prize in year 6, School Certificate, LJM's change - are only a few that I can immediately think of. This makes sense in my head, but I'm not sure if it does in anyone else's. Even my family thinks a lot of these are just coincidences. But, I have realised, it is all part of the plan of life. Part of my reasons to be grateful. That one step towards Jannah.

I am hoping I would return to the state of 'peacefulness' sometime soon and not leave any time soon.  I am trying to be a bit more truthful to myself and Allah, and I am hoping it works better than all other pseudo comforts.

Also - if you have come this far and not dropped off the face of the Earth while listening to my rant, and if you have Facebook, please 'like' this page. It is for a website that brings info about current fundraising activities in Sydney, under one roof. If you think you should not 'like' it because you don't live here, or you aren't Muslim, think again. If the world is helped because of one click, why not? :)

Another pointless poetry

Every time she lets herself dream

The dream becomes a wandering thought

It wanders to the edge of her mind

And often, out of carelessness,

While her mind rocks in uncertainties,

The dream falls.

Then, over and over again,

They fall.

The fallen dreams become sharp pieces of caution.

Shattered, they cut into the soft flesh

of what her heart used to be.

Because we haven't 'talked' in a while

Once again, I have privatised this blog for only a handful of you (six, to be exact). The reason is that I have realised (once again) that my public sphere is getting larger, so, if somehow, one of my employers, or students, or someone who does not know as much about my personal life as you guys do, finds this blog, I will be in for either a huge trouble or an embarrassment. I have realised that my writing style changes as my audience change. So, currently, I am using this platform just to inform you about what goes on in my life - plainly and simply. :) Although you are amongst my closest people, we have not been talking as much. (Due to you being out of the country/married/dipped in exams/timetables that don't match mine).

So, here's what's happening:
- Ramadan starts tomorrow inshaAllah!! (I truly hope this year it will be one of those life changing experiences. I think I am starting to figure out who I am/what I like and dislike, which, I am hoping, would eventually tell me what I am supposed to do with my life. I am also hoping it would help to break a few bad habits that I have been struggling to break for a very long time. Please keep me in your prayers.)
- I have a pimple on the left side of my nose. I can't remember ever having a pimple there.
- For the last few months, my phone was often out-of-charge because the charging socket broke. I didn't get it fixed until last friday due to my excessive stinginess and lack of time. So, now, it is charging peacefully on my blanket once again! No more running to A/SB/B2 and changing batteries inshaAllah! This experience reminded me that we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it. As soon as I saw those bars of charge moving again, it made me smile and thank Allah. It was my first phone that wasn't a hand-me-down and the one I have had since university started. Even though its a nokia E63, something that most people's parents have, I feel too comfortable with it to let it go any time soon!
- It has been about a month since A&SB left the country. I love the descriptions of their little temporary family, I'm not missing them too much though - possibly because I always see A/SB in gtalk, hear what they are up to and know that they will be back soon inshaAllah. I have taken over their room for studying yesterday, and must say, it does have a magical effect! I am planning to make regular trips now. :P
- I started studying. Smru - we should start out friday afternoon thing as planned.
- I finally loaded the washing machine with all the clothes that have been piling up in my room. It got to a point where I now have no clothes to wear outside the house. This is what happens when ma doesn't chase me for something. *sigh*
- My caffeine tolerance decreased. I used to be extra sensitive to large cappuccinos - my heart would race, hands would shake, thoughts would rush and I would enter into a world of hyperness. I got a small last thursday, and I experienced similar effects. My mother would be pleased to know.
- I slept for about 10 hours last night, and I feel refreshed! Don't think I have had such a long sleep in a while... (in 2 weeks. :P).
- Just realised its 8.18 AM and I have gotten nothing that I was supposed to do done.

Chemistry

Just remembered how much I used to love this song. Kimya Dawson makes me sigh and smile.



"My heart is on my sleeve my head is in the sand
i said how did we end up here? you said happenstance
but i didn't understand so i made other plans
i ran to the ocean washed the blood off of my hands
i washed away my tears washed away ten years
washed away the empty space in-between my ears
and you said all that i mean is that you and me
didn't meet because of fate but rather probability
and you said the truth's like corn and lies are like weeds
you said the schroedinger equation collapsed perfectly
and i said mercy me be patient please
'cause i don't know a goddam thing about the birds and the bees
i just know what i'm like and i'm like what i see
even though it's hard to see because you just blinded me
and if there's one thing i learned in chemistry
it's that the gain of electrons is reduction, obviously
but you can't see electrons without machines
and you can't tell from my inflection if i'm being mean
and i don't know if i can take you seriously
sometimes elections depend on the absentees."

:)

Happy List

Chocolate with nuts
Witty romantic comedies, preferably with unexpected turns
Late night dreams
Silly thoughts
Random smiles from people I don't know
Apuni
Double blanket
Tiny pillow
Little whiteboard
Red things
Rain on a lazy day
Clouds
Coral tree in front of my window
Sunset
Camera
Editing photos
Pranks
Making lists
Ocean
Ice cream
Babies
New ideas
Experimenting with myself
MX
Good/neutral changes
Good/neutral surprises

To be continued...

The Way I Are

Lately, things that I have been saying to people have not been making sense to them. I mean, the words make perfect sense while they are in my head, they even make sense as I speak, however, something happens along the way, and they are completely misinterpreted. I would very much like to say that it is the rest of the world that is at fault, but I think the more plausible explanation is that my brain can't read my mind. (Did that make sense?)

The more my days pass, the more I am realising that I am probably spending the best days of my life right now. Everyone has their own lives at home now, so they are mostly keeping out of my territory. But they have not stopped caring, so I am not feeling love deprived. I am not too young to understand some of the world, not too old to be cynical about everything I understand or fail to. I am experimenting with various parts of my life (appearance, degree, career, living space etc) without facing too big of consequences. I have enough money to live comfortably - not too much to waste in vain and not less enough to suffocate in restriction of freedom. (alhamdulillah x infinity!)

I rearranged my room today. I also have a different bed. I finally have a mattress - I slept on a foam for nine and a half years; way too long for my back to stay sane. I also have a duck wheatbag that I am too lazy to heat up. Instead, I am continuing to sleep with two thick blankets. My room looks new and awesome :D. (even though it hasn't been cleaned yet...).

I realised I am crying much less than I used to. Worrying, because, sometimes, tears are good. My tear gland seems to be non-existent nowadays. Like, A is still my absolute best friend, and she understands me the most, in fact, she might even know me better than I know myself. She still giggled with me when I showed her a certain message, advised me when I asked her about something I never thought I would ask anyone, hugged me when I needed it. But, when she was leaving, I did not shed a tear. Not one drop. How is that possible?

P.S: The photo is the 16th photo from my 365 project. I am amazed that I have kept it up for two weeks and two days.

Latest realisations

1. The worst thing about psychologists is that they cannot help their patients UNTIL they decides to cooperate too. Which is perfectly fine, because, the mere fact that patients agree to go to the psychologist by paying money is an indication that either they are willing to cooperate, or they have a lot of cash to get rid of. Either way, the psychologist has something to gain. That is why, free and self-initiated help is an absolute waste of time (unless your intention is to please God). 

2. I should learn to say 'no'. Once said properly, times that follow are not so bad. But, just the courage that must be plucked up in order to say no to something that must be said no to is extremely hard to gather.

3. Detaching yourself from emotions to a certain degree is vital to survival.

4. People who take jokes to heart are so annoying! They make you feel uncomfortable and regretful. When this characteristic is combined with self-righteousness, what results is a mixture of unbearable irritation.

5. Life is actually full of possibilities.

The years start coming, and they don't stop coming

'Somebody once asked
Could I spare some change for gas -
I need to get myself away from this place.
I said, yep! What a concept!
I could use a little fuel myself.
We could all use a little change.'

Great opportunity!

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Epiphany

I love the ability to leave and return to people when I want to. Although I still live with my family, I have my own room which is a pretty safe place to retreat to if I feel like being by myself. And living in the age of internet and phone, I can easily reach/turn off the outside world. I hate to have people in my face, all the time. 

Hope

You can only feel the impact of depression once you know someone who is going through it. The only way that you can understand it better is if you go through it yourself. But, as an outsider, there is no better way to learn than to watch.

And when you do, you realise that it is one of the most horrible things that could ever happen to a person. To lose hope, is to lose it all.

Nanu

God knows how long its been since I talked to Nanu. She was saying how she took out my old poems and read them, and that she was thinking about me. I have only gotten to know her a little better at the beginning of this year. I never bothered to find out what an amazing person she is. I never knew about her interests, life before she became a grandmother. I had only started to get to know her.

And when she got off the phone, she said, who should hang up first? Me or you? She didn't want to hang up.

I miss her, I love her so much!

22nd June - Day 3

I opened up an account with 365project.org a long time ago (February 24, 2011 - to be exact), but never ended up using it. Although I love taking photos, I go through stages of being attached to my camera and completely forgetting it. The night before last night, I had a sudden inspiration to start using the project, with a theme of 'words' (although the theme didn't come to me until the second day). And ever since (for three days), I have been enthusiastically trying to find new subjects, new words.

Today, while waiting for a ride/escort to return home after dark (my parents care for me deeply enough to fear for my safety after dark. I conform because I love them.), I went to K-Mart to meet B (ie: my escort). He had his own shopping to do, and he seemed very uninterested in how I would entertain myself. Since I was on my way back from work and my wallet was filled with fresh notes, I decided to buy. Its always better than window shopping. I bought:
- A permanent marker (My other one was a cheap one from BD, and it dried after a few days. I decided to not buy cheap stationary any more, if I can afford it.)
- A deodorant (SB was extremely nice and bought me one a while ago after my last one finished, however, he was probably also cheap. The sprayer does not work properly. Every time I've attempted to use it, the liquid streams down fingers and make them excruciatingly fragrant. But, if you ever come across this, SB - thank you for the thought and the effort!!)
- Hair band (the plastic ones that sit on top of your head and make you look like a primary school curry kid. Here is one such example.).
- Tiny post-it notes
- Coloured paper
- Highlight of the night: A little whiteboard with markers. $6. :)

Yes, I took the photo just for the tiny board in the middle. It reminds me of a little chalkboard we used to have in Bangladesh.I'm not sure how we got it, or where it went, but I remember pretending to be a teacher to my deformed staffed animals using that as a blackboard.

Also, I like coming up with lame quotes.

It is now 2.24 AM. I had a huuuuge conversation with Smruthi, which lasted 1949 lines in google chat. We talk about the most interesting things - its funny how we are very different outwardly, yet, I never have such talks with anyone else. That girl has an exam tomorrow (thank God its not in the morning!) and so, of course, she became a philosopher. :P I am extremely curious to see what happens to us in ten years. We dream way too much - dreams that are not too far out of reach, yet, not exactly within reach either. Not yet, at least. I might need to pass with flying colours in order to make it within reach.

And why have I written such a huge blog? I had something due yesterday, which I have extended to today, which I shall extend again to tomorrow night. Please forgive me, Sum. :( I also have to do quite a bit of work to prepare for the coming weekend.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I have to get a coffee tomorrow (today?) morning.

P.S: Today is special for several reasons:
- My mother, the superwoman, got a year older.
- B, the other half of B, is coming tonight, inshaAllah!! :) (Maybe I should call them B1 and B2?)
- It is the shortest day of this year.

Sweetness

I can only imagine the anticipation they must be feeling. Did his fingers tingle when he saw the letter? Did her heart beat a little faster when she heard the news? I wonder how they are hiding their smiles and walking about as if nothing have happened. Or is it too grand for words?

I hope they are happy, always and forever, falling a little more in love everyday. This is for you, B&B.

17th june

I am pretty sure there is a hole/an undiscovered pocket in my bag. In times of dire need, I forget that I failed to discover the opening in the past, and I take out everything in my bag to extract that pen that I keep feeling. And every single time, I have to put everything back in frustration and reaffirm that the hole/pocket has somehow become undone. It reminds of Finders Keepers by Emily Rodda - like it has somehow crossed a barrier that took it beyond my physical reality. What I need to do, is take out everything again, and look for the hole in broad sunlight, with a magnifying glass. And if I still can't find it, I shall just cut a hole and rescue the pen.

I have decided to quit working for the annoying employer that I keep referring to. Even though I love the kids, the woman is just too infuriating to work with. My uni timetable is also quite full next sem, so it would be good if I free up some hours. And everyone in my family synonymously agreed that I should quit. Therefore, next week, I shall tell her the bad (good) news, which will give her about a month to find someone new before the new school term starts. I have realised that stuffing my life with commitments is not the correct approach in developing myself. I really should learn to say 'no' when I cannot take up a responsibility, and if I do, I really need to learn to carry through. My goal was to never have too much time on my hands, which I have successfully reached, however, now I seem to have rolled over to the other side where I do not even have time to process any information/experience/feelings at all. The underlying reason for that goal was the fact that an idle mind is the devil's workshop, yet, my mind still seems to be his workshop even though I hardly have time for anything useful.

Therefore, I need to step back and re-evaluate. Once I have done so, I shall post in my currently dead blog - Secret of Worship.

I finished my exams today! The plan is to completely detox myself of junk food, unhealthy behaviours and lack of direction. However, I also woke up with a cold today, which means that most of my holiday will be spent finishing tissue boxes, in bed and complaining about how I should start the detox process but how I am unable to. However, most of it will probably be done over blog posts, so you can skip as much as you want to. :)

16th June

Words began by tumbling across your heart,

They stomp around in an arrogant, flaring rage,

They boil and brew the letters within themselves;

Words began by breaking out of their cage.

They try to find a way to climb to lips,

They stutter as they struggle in their path.

They clog your throat, hurrying in their quest,

Words cannot contain this untamed wrath.

The other words have broken down already,

They froze because they knew not what to do -

Melting into pieces of tiny tears,

Confused about which bits of them are true.

Some have risen from sweet memories of love,

Moments that are cherished by your heart.

Hidden in deeper corners than your thoughts

These words, too, finally begin to depart.

They walk in darkness, fly across,

They stumble in each other's ways,

They forget why they were formed at all

In this unsolvable maze.

They all arise, they rise, they rise.

Until they reach your eyes

One by one, they begin to fall.

Your lips could not bear them, so,

Your eyes have said it all.

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep

"...Waging war to shape the poet and the beat
I hope its going to make you notice
Someone like me.

I've been roaming around,
I'm looking down and all I see
Painted faces fill the places
I can't reach."

My latest favourite song is 'Use Somebody' by King of Leons. Not sure why, but it just popped into my mind today, even though I haven't listened to the song for a long while. Possibly because my exam is in just under thirty four hours and I could really use somebody who would agree to do my dirty work for me? My brain feels like the mush that Ms A described hers to be when little T was inside her stomach. I am not sure if its the excessive coffee or sugar consumption, and I am not sure why my brain would feel like a mush in that case anyway. But my stomach does too.. hmm...

I think my whole system is finally ruined. I read an article from DL's facebook a few days ago that I related to up to a frightening degree. I can't find it right now, but the gist was that uni students (it was about law kids, but since I can relate to it, I guess it can be extended to most other faculties) start off the semester with casual expensive lunches (preferred over the sandwich squashed at the corner of their bags), cooking elaborate dishes just to procrastinate, and end in chocolate, lollipops and a dangerous amount of coffee. There was something about alcohol too, and thank God it is explicitly forbidden in Islam.

Also, I was randomly blog surfing, because I ran out of ideas for procrastination. (Except staring blankly at walls... that never gets old.) So, I found this along the way. And I stole this from there:

Hehehehe.

Also, I took an awesome photo with post-its the other day, but it needs editing and I cannot be bothered to do so now. However, I  saw this cute video on a friend's wall.




Also, living with three married couples is sometimes quite annoying because no one else gets jokes or concepts that I find funny. I am pretty sure my siblings would have giggled over certain things a few years ago that make them look at me cluelessly now. Which makes things awkward.

I am going to sleep (okay fine you were right Smruthi) and then wake up tomorrow morning EARLY and study. InshaAllah.

.

I almost forgot that I used to write my thoughts in a special (which shall definitely stay unspecified) corner of my phone. The funny thing is, I can remember nearly every single situation when I read over my entries. Some of them are from Bangladesh when I had very little personal space - I just let all of my thoughts out through written words instead of letting them leak out in any other way. The thing with going for a holiday to a known place is that you cannot do anything silly. If you do, and people know about it, you must live with it for the rest of your life. If you lose your temper and punch a hole through someone's living room wall, it will not be fixed soon.

I had a lot more to write, but I am sleepy.