Cup

I FINALLY TOOK A PHOTO OF MY AWESOME CUP!

And yes, I just used those books, the rose petals and the fifty dollar note to show off. Go ahead and admire my cup.

Draft from 26th April 2011

(Just realised I wrote this exactly a month ago!)

I wrote this one on the 18th of August, 2010. Now that I look back on my posts, that particular day was not so bad. I think that was the end of my journey of one cycle - when I was in the 'reformed' state. However, I vaguely remember how I felt a few days before this, and it was not good. However, alhamdulillah, I managed to get out of it. So many crimes are happening around me lately. When I see them, I feel extremely scared, because, at times, I think that that person could have easily been me. When anger and frustration takes over your mind, and you cannot perceive anything clearly, you stop being human. You can do anything, inflict any pain, on anyone. It does not have to be a physical pain (although it often is). You often psychologically damage your own self, by contradicting what you do with what you really should be doing, in order to make yourself feel good. The trick is to stop those emotions right at the beginning of their track.

Every night I tell Him I will return in the morning,
Start my day afresh with that strange sensation of yearning,
I will try to feel Him in my heart, tomorrow, I will,
Can't I forget the truth and live in dreams, just for tonight?

Tomorrow, I shall smile, I will be grateful again,
I'll thank Him for the happiness of relieving me of pain;
I will notice little beauties, tomorrow, I will!
But, for now, I just wish to close my eyes and lose my sight.

The day is gone, I lost the point that I was holding on;
I believe tomorrow, my soul will wish to be reborn.
My heart will cry with intense love and reach out to You, Lord,
Tomorrow, I shall fix me up and set it all aright.

So, I sleep tonight, every night, waiting for tomorrow,
The day when my heart will be free of darkness and sorrow;
Yet, I refuse to raise my hands, refuse to take a step.
Is it shame I feel? Or pride? Hopeless, unable to fight?

Somewhere, beneath the darkness that envelopes my heart's eyes,
I vaguely remember finding sunshine in the skies;
But my feet are heavy, caught in the quicksand on this world,
It pulls on me, drags me down, boasting of its might.

I look for those tiny rays of sunshine in my heart,
Knee deep in fake life, I begin to wish for a new start.
Sinking lower, I have no way, 'cept to find those rays -
I rummage through my memories, desperate in my plight.

As the dirt covers my waist, suddenly, I see them!
Two small rays of sunshine poking through my past's dark phlegm;
I reach inside, pull on one, pull its tiny thread
Faster and faster, thirsty for it to shed its light.

The frozen tears on my hardened heart get ready to flow,
I can feel the viscous sinking start to slow...
With wet eyelashes, a shivering soul and tingling fingertips,
I feel His mercy elevate me to a surreal height.

I take a step, slowly, walking free from the quicksand,
The ray of sunshine grows on me, I learn to understand,
I learn to feel, I learn to love; You only I worship.
Thank You, for making my 'tomorrow' bright.

And if you're yellow, don't stress*

*Not a racist remark. Scroll down for details.

I bought four rechargeable batteries in order to bring my camera back to life. It has lain lifelessly on my shelf for way too long, while autumn colours are getting a little different every single day. When I saw CJ's autumn album, it just made my urge to capture the colours stronger and stronger. I told him I'd steal his idea, however, I haven't yet gotten a chance to do so. The batteries were brought home, yet, the charger is nowhere to be seen. Now I am stuck with four useless batteries and twenty three dollars and ninety-nine cents less from my bank account.

I talked to Emu after a very long time last night. She has been working like crazy, and here I was, thinking something major has happened in her life. A similar dramatisation happened with Mis Worshipper too. I was on the phone with her, and suddenly, everything was quiet. I was frantically and urgently 'hello'-ing into the phone, only to be met with silence. A serious of scenarios flashed through my mind, some of them quite morbid I must admit. Turned out that there was a connection problem and she could hear me just fine. :|

I had this long standing argument that I can do whatever with my life because it is mine. It had added details like - I love the little things in life, therefore, if I feel like just staying in bed and watching the sky all day long, I am allowed to do so. However, I am increasingly realising that this logic is flawed. Due to my (over)commitments, I cannot ignore people for too long. I made a list of commitments that I need to keep myself updated in. Then I realised I missed one. The list has gotten too long for me to even remember what things should go in there! So, currently, I cannot really do whatever I want with my life. I must share it with the zillion other people I have given my promise to. For example, today. Its a cloudy, windy day; beautifully vibrant red flowers have bloomed in my bolding tree. Most of the leaves have turned yellow, some are still green, while some have already fallen to the ground in their brownness. I would love to just stay in bed, underneath my blanket, listening to the wind and watching it work. Yet, I have a student to tutor today, for which I must leave soon and return at night. As much as I love teaching, I wish there was some way of doing so whenever I want without causing discomfort to others. (I'm asking for heaven on earth, am I not?)

This also led me to accept the fact that my logic of 'I have time to procrastinate therefore I have time for more productivity in my life' is also flawed. No matter how much I pile on, I always seem to find time to procrastinate. Therefore, next time I decide to commit myself to something, I probably need to take into my commitment to procrastination.

Good news for all those concerned about my coffee consumption - I decided to slow it a little. Although, I do stick by my judgement that I was not consuming coffee of a dangerous degree, which could classify me as an 'addict' and would require me to seek serious help (contrary to what my mother believes). I decided that I will not buy or make coffee for myself unless absolutely necessary, such as, studying in the library for a whole day after a sleepless night.

Food for thought - why do R&B singers have beautiful soft voices that sound so warm and protective, yet, sing about shocking ways of degrading women, and refer to them by (many names, but the most polite one is) 'shorty'? The worst part is when girls actually like such a thing! Its one thing to have an embarrassing personal preference (which is sick too anyway), however, it is a completely different thing to make this degradation a public knowledge and a thing to be proud of. I was so traumatised today that I had to listen to Aicha. Haven't heard this song in a while. I remember when I was crazy about Outlandish - I was 15/16ish. I was obsessed with Europe, and I really, really loved the way the guy says 'ecoute moi'. It lasts for exactly two seconds, yet, that was the best part of the whole four minute video. Now that I listen to the song again, I can find a million details that annoy me about it. For example, what's with the curry guy throwing random phrases here and there? I really don't understand his role in the band. And the white cloth on top of Isam's head near the end of the video reminds me of one of our table cloths. However, it still brings back memories. I listened to this song from my parent's bedroom, which always smelled like Beli Ful (Not sure what the English name for this flower is). Whenever I smell beli ful, my heart races. Even though every association of a racing heart that I had with those flowers have been destroyed a very long time ago. Ah, I miss my innocence of that age!

Here's something to lighten up your mind/mood/day. Boys, all hope is not lost. :) (As long as you have an MBA. :P)

Inside my head

For the past week, I have been living inside my head, a lot. Some of the times arose when I desperately wanted to get away from a certain place. There were unanswered questions on my mind that I could not come to terms with, nor could I discuss them with anyone else, because I had trouble figuring out what those questions even were. So, when people started to question me about anything related to any unrealised questions, I just wanted to flee. It made me feel so depressed that any trace of exuberance also had a similar effect on me. Thus, I am apologising to any friend(s) who I have annoyed the hell out of with my annoyance at you. 

I am not entirely sure that I have the solutions yet, however, I think I sort of know the problems. Amongst my problems is that my internal and external selves are not aligning. At the beginning of the year, I piled my external self with many responsibilities, in the hope that I can internalise the skills I learn from them in becoming a better person. It would be incorrect to say that I have failed completely, however, it is true that I have not succeeded in the rate that I would have liked to succeed. The reasons are:

1. I often forget that everything comes from God. I get stressed over the details of those external responsibilities instead of trying my best and leaving the rest to God.

2. I cannot stick to plans. At all.

3. Positive effects are slowed by negative actions. And I know myself in what ways I have had negative actions - whether it is of the heart or limbs. 

I am not sure if there are other reasons. The above reasons are quite broad, and possibly apply to every person to a certain degree, so I don't think I can completely eliminate them. What I can do is keep them under control with certain actions. This, I have tried many MANY times. However, I am a perfect example of how humans are forgetful, lazy and prone to making mistakes, therefore, I have clearly failed every time (otherwise I wouldn't be writing about this). Therefore, I shall look on the bright side of life, and try again. :D

Also, if you are a real-life-friend/well-wisher who is reading this, please refrain from any form of 'I told you so's, or unnecessary expression of happiness the next time you see/talk to me. I hate those, especially when the first one comes right from the heart and the second one seems like it bounced off your face and reached no where near your heart. Talking about real-life-friends, a huge reason why I decided to unprivatise my blog and start writing again is Smruthi. She told me that she comes to my blog once a day for therapeutic reasons, which filled many corners of my heart and put a huge smile on my face. So, if talking about my problems help at least one person, its worth it. Although, since I am sort of throwing them out in the open for any mind to catch, I wouldn't mind if a few others were helped in the process as well... :P

I had a bit of a rough time with the person I probably love the most, for a few days. However, I am hoping I have made up, to a certain degree at least. And I sincerely hope I can keep her happy and away from any hurt. The older I get, the more I see where she is coming from. However, the older I get, the more I become 'myself', and the more I wish the way to please her would have nothing to do with 'myself'. Then, the next day, I get a little older and I realise that she had the best of intentions when she verbalised how she thought I should be. And then I wonder if the same process will happen a quarter of a century later with another lovely lady.

I have added hairdressing to the list of many other (fail) career plans I have. I am not afraid to experiment (currently, my only subject is my own hair because the only lucky person to have a peak at it is me!), even if that means being stuck with something that others hate for a few years. My motto is: as long as the person who have to see it (me) likes it, why not? :) However, it is true that I have been trying to find faster ways to grow hair, longer. I shall give out no more hints and you shall promise not to laugh the next time you see me with my newest experiment (for you, sum).

My matchmaking skills are usually horrible, however, I think my eye for pairing is improving. :P Another career plan. However, I would do very badly as a fortune teller. My intuitions are getting worse everyday. 

Talking about career plans, I think teaching might just take off in my life! My latest facebook quiz tells me that I would be best at 'elementary teaching' (but then, Smruthi got the same results... so I am not sure how reliable it is. :P). Even though a bunch of kids in a classroom are already driving me crazy (result of the kids-parents-employer pact against poor teachers), I actually do love those tiny faces. My evil employer pushed back my hours by half an hour, so, last Friday, I walked into the classroom half an hour later. None of the kids knew, so they were there from beforehand. When they saw me, they all expressed their happiness with a 'YAY' that only children are capable of saying out loud. The older kids enthusiastically told me that they have been keeping the class quiet in my absence. Throughout the rest of the time, there were several times when the class got too loud, or a kid couldn't understand an easy problem, or something. Yet, they warmed my heart. In my second class, a ten year old boy almost told me he loved me. He said, 'Miss! I lov- I like you, as a teacher.' Then all the other boys in the class shouted out a huge 'ewwww', to which my reply was: *huge smile* 'I love all of you too!!' 'EWWW' *giggles*. Another little boy from another class told me that his dad saw me on the train, talking on the phone with my mother. I don't even remember this parent, but the fact that he remembers me is quite amazing. The fact that the little boy felt special because his daddy saw his teacher out of a learning environment is also quite amazing, because the teacher is me! :P 

Little girls and boys are awesome.

My goal is to tie all of the above into a nice bundle that sits on my heart nicely, without any guilty proddings. The only person that can do so is me. :) (So if you were reading this and thinking about preaching to me, just don't. :P)

Note to self: REMEMBER

The last few days were crazy. I often found myself inside my head like I haven't been for quite a while. The reason is of course that I had a LOT of things to do, and so, as usual, my body, mind and soul wanted to forget all about it quite forcefully.
But, one of the exams is over - the big one - it was worth 90%. I was dreading it so much that I left studying till very, very late. The assignment that was worth 25% was submitted today, alhamdulillah. At one point I thought I would give up and not finish it at all. But alhamdulillah, this morning, I had a creative surge of energy and I started writing my report like I would blog (as per the original plan!).

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Also, I took two (good) decisions. InshaAllah I can stick to them.

Also, next term's subjects are almost sorted out. And I will not be a year behind after all. :)

Favouritest verse of the Qur'an right now: "Therefore remember Me, and I will remember you, and be thankful to Me, and do not be ungrateful to Me." (2: 152)

Break all my thoughts hit the floor

The best thing about public blogging is that there are an infinite number of combinations of its outcome. It gives you the comfort of releasing your words to something other than a wall or a silent page without disturbing another soul in the world. People are so busy with their productive lives that they have neither the time nor the mindset to listen to the rantage of an unimportant being about unimportant issues. Yet, that unimportant being may feel the need of blabbing without feeling suffocated by closed walls (or pages). Therefore, public blogging is the perfect solution. The words are thrown out in the open, yet, no one is forced to hold onto them.

I need to get two new rechargeable batteries for my camera, because the old ones are in my frother, and are usually extremely hard to take out. After I get some batteries, I need to take a photo of my awesome new coffee cup that I bought from Spotlight a few days ago. To me, it just makes every coffee experience much better than it would have been in any other cup. I don't think many people get it, because when I try to say this to my friend with the enthusiasm that I feel, they sort of look at me like I have finally completely lost my mind. But then, my mind is currently not in the state that I would like it to be. I am being irresponsible with most of my responsibilities and its messing up my life. Looking forward to Wednesday night, so so SO much!

I really like OneRepublic lyrics. The words flow perfectly with each tune, although, I don't like their music too much. It starts off nicely, then it just gets too loud. I think their voices would go much better with simple strings or some piano (which is how they start... but then the drums come and ruin everything). The first song that I've heard of theirs was most probably Stop and Stare. I just watched the video clip for it (for the first time, I think) and I don't think I understand it. Is it trying to represent those precise crucial moments in life that cause significant changes?

I still like the song. And can relate to it, often.

Stop and stare,
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere.
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared.
I become what I can't be.
Stop and stare,
I start to wonder why I'm here not there.
...
Do you see what I see?

Hmm.

And what is going on in my head is also something like this:

I'm dreaming out loud,
Dreaming out loud,
Can't find a puzzle to fit into piece a part of me.

PS: I really do hate it when people stop listening and still want to hear words. If you aren't willing to give them their due, why ask for useless words? Sometimes, you really need to learn when to stop and take a step back to see if what you are doing is really bringing much fruit. If not, and it involves other people, just stop. You are ruining them further instead of making things better.

P.P.S: Just discovered Picnik. :)

Silver moon and paper dreams

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a brilliant film that reminded me of Inception. The whole idea of mapping your memory and removing parts of it to reduce heartache is absolutely amazing. I think, there are moments in most people's life, when they would love to take advantage of such a system. (I say most, because, I have actually met people who have no spots in their mind to begin with. I didn't think it was possible either, until I met them.) Anyway, for the rest of us, its a lovely idea. All you have to do is gather every tangible thing that reminds you of someone/something that you no longer wish to remember, and a few experts will erase any association with them from your brain.

This is a guaranteed result of the the effects of selective memory loss. This effect can also be achieved by having repressed memory syndrome. This movie uses the concept of Lacunar amnesia. 'Blind spots in memory' - as one scientist explained. However, having the guaranteed result would have been more useful than using guess work. Life would have been filled with eternal sunshine. Mostly. 

The negative thing about not having any bad memories is that there are no traces of darkness which will compel you to be thankful for the sunshine. 

Did I mention I have an assignment due tomorrow?

Interesting fact: Words such as 'innit', 'grrl' and 'thang' had been added to the Scrabble list. 

I wish I could get by just by blogging, tutoring children, making up songs, buying cute coffee cups, sleeping, taking photos, wasting time and whatever else I do.

The following is the perfect soundtrack to how I wish my life was right now. I wish I could fly away from all forms of tests, including life tests.

Painted scenes, I'm up all night,
Slaying monsters, flying kites,
Speak to me in foreign tongues,
And share your secrets one by one.

Will you fly me away?

You were there when I fell

She was nineteen years and eleven months old. He just turned thirty. She was a perfect daughter who kept the house clean, studied well and took care of her younger siblings. By that time, she grew out of her tree-climbing and swimming days, she grew out of her kiddish clothes and started dressing like a girl. She grew out of the obliviousness of the people around her and started looking into her faith. The first day that she put on that big shawl and went to college was the day her friends thought she took that other huge step. But, that was just the beginning of growing up - It wasn't 'that other huge step'. At that time, she was trying to find out what the truth is and stick by it. She did not care about what other people said or did. She did not care about what people thought of her. She was, and has always been, a strong woman.

When I was little, I used to think she is the prettiest lady alive. I longed to be like her when I grew up. In my teen years, I thought she was pretty, but I thought there were other pretty people too. Now, when I think about it, I think I was right when I was five. She truly is the prettiest lady I know. She is a beautiful, beautiful person.

He did not come from a family as closely knit as hers. His father died when he was about ten, and pretty soon, he learned to live independently. He left his family and went to the city to study. He started to form the million memories that one day he would reiterate to his children. His eyes must've swam with dreams when he started studying in the best university in his country.

He told an older friend of his that he was looking for a girl to settle down with. His friend's wife knew her quite well. Then, somehow, it just happened. They got married. She was nearly twenty and he just stepped into the thirties. A year later, they had their first child. Another year and a half later, a girl was born. Then after four and a half years, their last child came to them.

They suit each other quite well. She is strong, he is soft-hearted. She is a perfectionist, he is a messy scientist. She lives in the reality, he's a dreamer. And if not for them, I would have never been me. Many moments that I have had with them make me cringe. I know I haven't been a very good little girl, or even a good older girl. And at twenty, I know, I am no where near measuring up to who she was when she was my age. I know I fail to show my love, all the time. Yet, I love her. I love her. I love her. I love him.

They have been together for twenty-seven years. It must take an enormous amount of patience, a huge heart and lots of wisdom to build a beautiful home and keep it together for so long. I truly admire my parents. I don't think they know it though (I have probably never showed it through my actions). I was thinking about what sort of a gift I could give them. What do you give to someone who done so much for you? Who loves you more than their own selves? Who forgives you no matter what you have done?

They have another daughter and a son now, who came into their home from different homes. Their daughter-in-law sent them a beautiful message, because she could not be with them on this day. Their son-in-law (and probably his wife) gave them a plant in a pot for their nearly-new house, because that's one of their shared hobby - gardening. And me, even though I have been with them much longer than the two newer members of this family, I don't know what to get them.

I don't think they will ever come across this. But, anyway, I love my parents from the deepest corners of my heart. I wish I could show it to them. I hope Allah listens to every prayer that I have ever prayed for them. I hope I stop disappointed them over and over again. I wish I could be the responsible daughter that they long for. I hope, every person that meets them, sees them for the beautiful people that they are.

An aeroplane across the night

I am looking forward to next Wednesday night almost in desperation. I have two exams and one assignment due within that time, and I feel absolutely helpless with my procrastination. I think I am not completely depressed yet because I still feel like I have some hope. Things I have to do are:
- Finish psych assignment (by tomorrow night, definitely, definitely, definitely inshaAllah)
- Study for students guild (Friday night, Saturday)
- Study for linguistics test (Monday, Tuesday)
This means that I cannot go out tomorrow night, even though I was trying to plan to do so. However, I definitely need to make sure that I stick to this plan because I plan to go out with TS on Friday, and I really, really, really don't want to miss that too. Okay, all I need to do get to uni really early tomorrow, get a huge cup of coffee, lock myself in some corner in the library and force myself to finish it, possibly before I meet Smruthi. So, if I can get there in time, I will have four hours. In four hours, can I not write 750 words? If not, what is the use of blogging at all?

Okay, okay, okay. InshaAllah, I can. :)

I started my online Tajweed class today. I sort of signed up for it without giving it much thought, without knowing about how the classes will be contacted, if there are any payments or who will teach it. Spur of the moment decision - the method I use to make most decisions. However, I have not come to regret it. My teacher is from Egypt, and she is extremely patient alhamdulillah. I kept making the same mistakes, and she corrected me nicely every time. She is only seven years older than me.

There are quite a few 'dinners' coming up. Its interesting that a few years ago, I would not consider going to a 'dinner' unless my parents/family advocated it quite forcefully. However, now, I am trying to get my family and others to agree to go to several dinners with me. In fact, I am trying to get my family to go to several places, however, they are usually quite reluctant. Everyone is busy with their own lives and have taken up too many commitments to fit in with the schedule of someone else. 


'I don’t want to be a grown-up like the grown-ups I have seen,
Because the grown-ups I have seen don’t seem to have much fun.
They don’t get down on the floor enough to pray or play with toys,
When I’m a grown-up I won’t want to be one.'


Too bad, I am almost a grown up. :(

I want to go:
- Harbour Bridge climbing
- Hot air balloon riding
- Rock climbing

Updates:
- We are reaching the end of Autumn. My tree has converted all of its green leaves into yellow and red ones and has started growing two or three bright red flowers. I wish I could remember the name of the flowers!
- I missed being close to DJ, I think we are getting closer again. :)
- I started climbing the infamous steps at uni. I hope I shall continue on this venture, as it is my only form of exercise...
- I just discovered an extremely cute song.

Back when we were young, we ran into the sun

The reality is so much harsher than what we thought it would be when we were six. The reality is so much harsher than what we thought it would be when we were sixteen. Its a sad moment of truth when you figure out you have actually stopped looking into the world through rose tinted glasses. The moment when you realise that you stopped believing in fairy tales, you stopped imagining yourself to be a princess who is treated royally by the world. When you know that the movies with happy endings are not real, when you catch yourself admiring the acting skills of those people inside your laptop screen instead of imagining yourself to be one of them. When you can't imagine the relationship between two people to be perfectly romantic and happy twenty-four-seven.

I watched an amazing movie - Waiting for Forever. Its not amazing because I admire any of the characters, nor is it amazing because I want to watch it over and over again. It was just perfect for the one and a half hour or so that I watched it, and near the end, after what seems to be a very long time in my life, I bowled my eyes out. It was amazing because the story portrayed our harsh reality, and it reminded me, over and over again, that I grew up. That it actually is not okay to pretend to freeze time in childhood.

There was a time when I could imagine anything and everything. In fact, when I was young, I remember imagining very crazy things, things that I have never mentioned to anyone (I think). I had a whole world inside my head, because I knew the world would never exist in real life. It didn't go away as I grew up, though the people and places in my imagination changed. And now, I think I have consciously restricted my imagination to certain things because I know that if I let it roam to far, it can affect my actions, and that would count. Now, everything counts. Everything counts. Everything counts. Every step I take, every thought I think, every word I say, every person I interact with, matters.

 In all honesty, if I am ever told to describe what I imagined, I couldn't. Because, now that I think about it, none of it makes sense. If whatever the ten-year-old-me thought about doesn't even make sense to the twenty-year-old me, how can it make sense to anyone else?

Its not just things I thought about ten years ago. I think, my life, and my way of thinking, changed very rapidly in the past few years. So many thoughts are trying to reach out of my mind that I don't even know what is what any more.

Do I miss the old me? Or the old me-s? (Since, clearly, there were many of them. Many twists and turns that completely changed my way of thinking, several times.) Do I want to become one of them again? I think not. I like my current state, alhamdulillah. However, they are just like a shoebox of memories that randomly pop out when I watch/read/listen to something. When I can relate to something, its like those old feelings returning to my body, mind and soul. Like, this afternoon, I fell asleep a little after lunch. It was around 3 PM, the soft sun was streaming through the blinds and falling on my face and taking some of the cold away. It was very, very comfortable, and I just fell asleep. I had a horrible dream (the dream was about how some person deceived me in a horrible, horrible way. Don't really want to give too many details. Funnily, I don't even know this person in real life. Yet, she played a huge role in the dream), then I woke up to see darkness all around. And I thought, I'm sure I slept for a very long time, why isn't it morning yet?

And then I got reminded of The Violets, by Gwen Harwood. We studied this poem in year twelve. I loved it - it talked about a little girl who woke up after her nap in the afternoon, and gets scared because its dark outside. She runs to her mother for comfort. And I think it was about how things have changed as she grew up. Funny, the internet is full of everything, yet, I cannot find a single text of The Violets. When I googled it, all I got was notes on its analysis!

I remember those moments from my life though. I would wake up when it is nearly Maghrib, and sometimes, I would wonder if its Fajr time. So, this afternoon, I sort of had a three step nostalgia: current state; eighteen year old state when I was pacing back and forth in my backyard trying to learn my essay; and the five/six year old L - when I would wake up, find myself sleeping on my tummy, look around to see darkness, and think that I need to get up to get ready for school.

I'm trying to think about why exactly I liked this movie. The music was definitely 'my type' - soft, guitar strums, simple lyrics with vivid imagery; The characters had a Hollywood glow to them, yet, the way they talked sounded normal - I think I liked that too. I liked the fact that Will has a child within himself that he always likes to unleash, yet, everyone around him knows that he is not doing himself very good. I like how he eventually figures it out. I like how the film portrays the fact that we often don't have control over our situation. What someone else does, can often have a huge effect on our present and future. We just have to accept it and learn to deal with it.

Its late. I have an assignment due on Friday, an exam on Sunday another on Wednesday. I have uni five days a week, work five days a week. I should probably stop thinking about happy things and go to sleep.

However, here is a beautiful song from the movie. I guess it would have seemed even more beautiful if I was in love. But, even now, it made me smile. The words are so carefully uttered, the music is slow in the beginning, then it picks up its speed, as if it gains confidence as time passes by.

Benefits of attending classes...

Days like today make me wish I would bother to get myself off the bed every morning and implement some sort of a discipline to my life. I enjoy my classes when I turn up to them, but I usually do not seem to have the motivation to turn up, especially when they tell you that only eighty percent of attendance is compulsory, and even then, its negotiable.

However, this morning, I realised that I have already filled up my 20% quota of missing classes, therefore, I must turn up. I got a cafe macchiato (quite bitter, yet, surprisingly refreshing) because it was the only I could afford with the silver coins in my wallet. Its basically espresso, with a tiny bit of frothy milk. I poured three sachets of sugar and prayed to God that I would enjoy it. My last experience with espressos went quite bad - I threw it out after about three sips.

The first thought that popped to my head after the first sip was: 'why do you do this to yourself, L?' Second thought: 'I shall try to like it.' Being a psychology student, I know that this actually works. Attitude and behaviour affect each other. An experiment was done by giving a group of people something to listen to while they nod, and to another group, while they shake their heads. It was found that the nodding group tended to agree more to the message. So, I kept telling myself it would taste okay if I drink in small sips, I tried to imagine how awake I would feel and how much work I would get done after I finish the coffee. I also kept praying for it. :)

Result - I managed to gracefully finish the tiny cup of macchiato. And I actually liked it! That, my dears, is the power of imposing positive attitude/behaviour.

As you could tell from the previous posts, I have been thinking about my faith lately. And I realised, the result of this experiment actually shows one of the wisdoms behind the words that we say in our daily prayers. A lot of the words are the same, and they are words of praising God and asking for guidance. It had occurred to me in the past that, asking for guidance makes sense. I already know that God is above all, He has infinite power, wisdom, mercy and is Just, and I'm pretty sure God knows that too. Why do we need to praise Him? Why not just jump straight to asking? As an answer to this question, I was always told that when you ask something from someone, it is polite to say good things about them before you ask. This explanation never quite satisfied me, because, I know that God knows everything in my heart. He knows I will ask Him for something, why be polite?

However, now, I understand that it is actually for ourselves. When we repeat His praises, we are reconfirming them in our mind. I am saying them to myself, reminding myself of them - which is an 'action' (action of 'saying' it) - a 'behaviour'. This, in turn, would affect my attitude. It would renew my determination, trust and faith in Him. Therefore, God does not need to be praised, rather, we need it for our own selves.

Interesting.

But that is not the main point of this post (lol), as you have probably guessed (or not). I really do need to be more organised with my thoughts, and I plan to do so! In my other blog. If you visit this one, you are choosing to suffer from reading my thoughts as they pop up, even before I have a chance to organise them.

So, the main point of this post is, the Barnum Effect. This is one of the two things I learnt in class today (the coffee paid off in keeping me awake for a 9 am start!). The tutor handed out an analysis of every student that was done based on a handwriting sample we handed in. (The sample was handed in during the first week, naturally, I wasn't there.) It was about half a page, explaining their personalities. She told them to keep it to themselves while they read, and give it a score out of 10 on its truthfulness. When she recorded the scores, we noticed that most people rated the explanations by 8 or 9. There was only one 5. Then, she revealed that, there were no psychoanalysis on any handwriting. Everyone got the same piece of paper! Yet, in a class of about twenty, most people were fooled into thinking that their handwriting in fact reveals a lot about them. This, she explained, is the Barnum Effect - when you read a general statement, for example, in a horoscope, and think to yourself, hey! That perfectly applies to my life! This must be true!

I just thought I would post it, because, I remember having a long conversation with a blogger once, who tried his hardest to convince me that it is possible to predict a person's personality from his/her birthday. I hope you eventually come across this! :)

Ah - the perks of studying psychology from proper sources!

What the world taught me

So, this morning, I was on the train and I got a text message. I immediately called up a friend that I was supposed to meet in half an hour and said something along the lines of: 'Assalamu Alaikum! Where are you?... It got cancelled. I don't know, I had nothing to do with it, but I don't know why they would plan it for so long and then cancel it like that.' Maybe I was imagining it, but I think I felt a few heads turn towards me.

I was talking about rock climbing.

I am a Muslim who has lived in Australia for nine years and four months (minus two days) of her life of twenty years and a month (minus five days). All of my good to best friends are from Sydney, the family that matters to me are in Sydney. The biggest events of life occurred within these past nine years. The biggest identity crisis I have had in my life was when I was a teenager. My problems in a day usually include: should I order a coffee or not? If yes, cappuccino or mocha? Small or large? Should I turn up to my lecture? Should I stay up on Facebook or be a good girl and go to sleep early?

I have a friend who has recently converted to Islam. If I remember correctly, she converted about two years ago and put on the hijab about a year ago. She was, what pop culture would call, 'a true-blue Aussie'. (Yes, she has blue eyes. :P) Her family has probably lived in Australia ever since they came here as convicts from England or Ireland. She used to love her beer, the beach, BBQs and fit every other possible Australian stereotype that you could think of. After she became a Muslim, she gave up alcohol. She married another person who is also a convert, and an ex-true-blue Aussie (if you can ever be an ex-true-blue). They love each other, and are soon having a baby together.

She put on the niqab a few weeks ago. And guess what she faced? At shopping centres, people have told her to 'go back home'. She laughed when she said that to me, saying, 'where is home?' The people she grew up with suddenly changed their attitude towards her. Her own parents cannot stand 'bloody Moslems'.

What is happening to our world? Yes, many people have mentioned it before, but, I don't think I ever truly experienced this feeling before. What I believe in, no matter how peaceful it is, is increasingly becoming a test for me, because other people do not believe that is it in fact peaceful. Everyone else is deciding how I should feel.

There is no reason for the 'us vs you' attitude that I am facing lately, except for the fact that I wear a hijab. Every time I say something, there is no real reason for me to think, 'am I making everyone else feel uncomfortable?' There is no reason to feel apologetic for what I believe in. Therefore, I decided, from now on, I shall try to live my life a little more conscientiously. I will try to focus on the things that matter, people that matter, issues that matter.

After I made that decision, I actually felt a change within myself. When I stood up for prayer, every word that I said made sense to me. I was praying to the Being who has infinite power, infinite mercy, infinite justice. The Being who created everything, knows what is in the heart of every single person, the Being who I have to return to one day. Most people cannot comprehend this, because they think of God as someone like themselves. That's why He is God. By definition, He is above all. By definition, He is the most superior. By definition, He is the only One who has power over anything and everything.

The whole situation and the controversies that are arising right now has just made my faith stronger. How? No one clearly knows what really happened. The US government spokesman is revoking and changed his words a few times already. Basically, no one knows the 'truth'. YET, there is a truth. In that night, in those hours, 'something' happened. This reminded me that 'truth' will always be 'truth', no matter who says what and who believes what.

P.S: Assalamu Alaikum means 'Peace be upon you'. Allahu Akbar means God (refer to the 'by definition' rantage above) is Great.

P.P.S: If you hear alarms going off in your head, if you are finding yourself thinking, 'has this girl gone crazy?', you need to turn those off. And think to yourself, how much the people in authority is affecting your way of thinking. If you should learn anything from what I said today, it should be: Learn to think using your own brain.

Peace lovers

Why can we not fight violence with peace?

Knowing that violence breeds violence,

hatred breeds hatred,

blood requires more blood to be poured out on earth.

Why can we not face a frown,

with a smile?

Words are sweeter,

Yet pens are mightier than swords.

(2.5.2011)

The following is copywrited to the fifteen year old Sum, one of my awesomest little sisters: "...the endlesss cycle of war and hatred, because once ur hurt, no one thinks justice has been served until they hurt those who hurt them. But where does this get us, other than just more confusion, more chaos, more hatred, a chain. Why is it so hard to fight violence with peace? Because violence gives born to nothing but violence. How beautiful is it that Islam tells you to smile and frogive and give somethign BETTER when you've been delivered unjustice?" (4.5.2011)

ps: Its 'injustice', Sum. :P

You're cooler than the flipside of my pillow

Today, when I was walking on an usual street, I saw a very old man standing in front his house. I smiled and said hello. He smiled back, and said, 'You are a very happy woman. Beautiful! Bella!' That made me smile for the next five minutes.  There's another old man on our street who usually stands in his balcony and smokes, or talks on the phone in a loud voice. And every time I go past, he smiles and waves. I actually talked to him today, and somewhere in between, I managed to get permission to take photos of the spider-web in his front yard. The house opposite ours has a beautiful old lady who smiled brightly at me the first day that she saw me. 

I love having these random nice moments with people in the street, people who I know nothing about, yet, are polite to, because, we share the same space for a few seconds.

Or, like yesterday, on the train. I had one of those moments of 'should-I-or-should-I-not'. The guy in front of me and I got up from our seats at the same time, then both of us hesitated. I hesitated because he was in front of me, and he hesitated because I was female. And as my brother pointed out the other day, I would make a very bad feminist (although I do admire some of them); predictably, I just laughed, said thanks and walked out. The nice thing is, he laughed too - not an annoyed laughter - but a genuine, thanks-for-some-entertainment laughter.

But I don't think I was always a bad feminist (Politically correct readers: I'm using the word quite loosely. Don't crucify me in trying to define it.). Once upon a time, I used to feel bad when guys got up for me and I do still feel bad when someone else (other than my family) tries to pay for me (now that I earn). However, in most cases, I think I was quite reasonable in my demands. On two separate occasions, randoms got up for me on the university bus and 'insisted' that I sat. I mean, they probably were not even five years older than me, so they could not have been brought up with the chivalry of previous generations. The only other option is that they thought themselves stronger than I am and hence could endure standing up for twenty minutes while I could not. Which is pretty insulting.

As for the paying thing, that goes out to you Emu from Mars. Talking of Martian emus, where have you disappeared? Leave a buzz if you ever come across this. :)

Since the martian is a female friend, I guess that makes it okay and awkward both at the same time. It is okay because she is older and I eventually just stop saying no. It is awkward because I actually want to pay, so when I stop saying no, I don’t say it from my heart. However, I suppose things would be different between a man and a woman. As one episode of HIMYM pointed out, the ideal situation is, the man reaches for the bill (or his wallet, or calls the waiter, or whatever, I don't know how fine dining works), the woman insists on paying, but the man never lets her pay. Which would be both okay and unawkward.

I had a mocha from Jamaica Blue on my way to uni today. It is absolutely awesome - I did not need to add any sugars, the combination of coffee-coco-milk-sugar-whateverelsetheyputin was just perfect. I officially do not like GJ or Starbucks any more - overpriced and overrated. The coffee cart coffee is okay. At eight in the morning, when I am deprived of sleep and in need of getting work done, it works wonders. The Quad coffee is okay too, and, I think I stopped liking the Gradueat coffee. Even though it’s the cheapest.

I think I wanted a coffee maker once upon a time, but I have now realised, I would much rather go out, sit sleepily and lazily on a chair, reading something, while someone else makes a delicious cup of mocha (in one of those ceramic cups) and brings it to me. 

P.S: I watched the last few episodes of season 5 of Little Mosque on the Prairie, even though I only watched one or two from the beginning. I found it annoying so I skipped a whole bunch - I just wanted to see the wedding. 'Twas cute, and slightly funnier than the beginning episodes.

P.P.S: I am a little more than half way through reading Alice in Wonderland. It is an amazing book, I am thoroughly enjoying it! I probably will be quoting all my favourite bits here sometime soon (and there is a lot of them!). I wonder why I never thought of reading it before.

 P.P.P.S: While I was reading an article for my psych assignment, look what I found: a research that is quite depressing for the physicists out there. 'physicist’s big ideas are thought to come by age 30 or not at all. (Sawyer, 2006)'. And something that is probably bad news for all those depressed poets: 'creativity seems to flourish when people are in positive or neutral affective states rather than negative affective states (Amabile, Barsade, Mueller, & Staw, 2005; Fredrickson, 2001; Fong, 2006). Which makes sense, because rhyming 'pain' and 'rain', 'cry' and 'bye' (and die), 'sad', 'bad' and 'mad' have all been tried and tested many many times, therefore, they really do not fall under 'creativity'.

P.P.P.P.S: I picked up the habit of naming my posts with lyrics from songs from a blogger - http://s00kylala.blogspot.com/. She is one of those entertaining writers, much like Rimi, although, she probably does not remember me from the two years of schooling. :P Although the lyrics often have nothing to do with the post, it is an indication of the weather of my mind (cloudy/sunny/shower-or-two).

Because

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

In this extremely secret mission, they killed Osama Bin Laden. A lead that no other country knew about, not even Pakistan, which housed the man. After he was killed, he was 'buried at sea'. No one saw him, no one knows what really happened, except for what they have been told by the media. No one has ever seen this man except for his creepy videos.

In September 11, in an around the twin tower, there were 2752 deaths.

In 2010, in one year alone, at least 2777 civilians were killed in Afghanistan, being caught in crossfire. The 'war against terror' has been going on for the past TEN years.

No one knows if this person actually ever existed. A lot of conspiracy theories are rising right now, and yes, they will continue to rise. Newspapers will keep reporting on news on war against 'radical jihadism' or 'Islamists' or whatever new term they come up with next.

But, this is for those people that were looking at me with scared eyes today. And for that employer that did not give me a job because of my hijab. And for those cars that pass by, with people screaming obscenities from within, telling me to 'bring out the bomb' or 'go back home'. And for that girl at the very beginning of high school who bullied me with words because of my hijab. And for my year 8 english teacher who thought hijabs really should be banned in schools. And for those million ignorant people who think 'Moslems' are not people.

Frankly, my dears, I don't give a damn.

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