Sunday, May 22, 2011

Inside my head


For the past week, I have been living inside my head, a lot. Some of the times arose when I desperately wanted to get away from a certain place. There were unanswered questions on my mind that I could not come to terms with, nor could I discuss them with anyone else, because I had trouble figuring out what those questions even were. So, when people started to question me about anything related to any unrealised questions, I just wanted to flee. It made me feel so depressed that any trace of exuberance also had a similar effect on me. Thus, I am apologising to any friend(s) who I have annoyed the hell out of with my annoyance at you. 

I am not entirely sure that I have the solutions yet, however, I think I sort of know the problems. Amongst my problems is that my internal and external selves are not aligning. At the beginning of the year, I piled my external self with many responsibilities, in the hope that I can internalise the skills I learn from them in becoming a better person. It would be incorrect to say that I have failed completely, however, it is true that I have not succeeded in the rate that I would have liked to succeed. The reasons are:
1. I often forget that everything comes from God. I get stressed over the details of those external responsibilities instead of trying my best and leaving the rest to God.
2. I cannot stick to plans. At all.
3. Positive effects are slowed by negative actions. And I know myself in what ways I have had negative actions - whether it is of the heart or limbs. 

I am not sure if there are other reasons. The above reasons are quite broad, and possibly apply to every person to a certain degree, so I don't think I can completely eliminate them. What I can do is keep them under control with certain actions. This, I have tried many MANY times. However, I am a perfect example of how humans are forgetful, lazy and prone to making mistakes, therefore, I have clearly failed every time (otherwise I wouldn't be writing about this). Therefore, I shall look on the bright side of life, and try again. :D

Also, if you are a real-life-friend/well-wisher who is reading this, please refrain from any form of 'I told you so's, or unnecessary expression of happiness the next time you see/talk to me. I hate those, especially when the first one comes right from the heart and the second one seems like it bounced off your face and reached no where near your heart. Talking about real-life-friends, a huge reason why I decided to unprivatise my blog and start writing again is Smruthi. She told me that she comes to my blog once a day for therapeutic reasons, which filled many corners of my heart and put a huge smile on my face. So, if talking about my problems help at least one person, its worth it. Although, since I am sort of throwing them out in the open for any mind to catch, I wouldn't mind if a few others were helped in the process as well... :P

I had a bit of a rough time with the person I probably love the most, for a few days. However, I am hoping I have made up, to a certain degree at least. And I sincerely hope I can keep her happy and away from any hurt. The older I get, the more I see where she is coming from. However, the older I get, the more I become 'myself', and the more I wish the way to please her would have nothing to do with 'myself'. Then, the next day, I get a little older and I realise that she had the best of intentions when she verbalised how she thought I should be. And then I wonder if the same process will happen a quarter of a century later with another lovely lady.

I have added hairdressing to the list of many other (fail) career plans I have. I am not afraid to experiment (currently, my only subject is my own hair because the only lucky person to have a peak at it is me!), even if that means being stuck with something that others hate for a few years. My motto is: as long as the person who have to see it (me) likes it, why not? :) However, it is true that I have been trying to find faster ways to grow hair, longer. I shall give out no more hints and you shall promise not to laugh the next time you see me with my newest experiment (for you, sum).

My matchmaking skills are usually horrible, however, I think my eye for pairing is improving. :P Another career plan. However, I would do very badly as a fortune teller. My intuitions are getting worse everyday. 

Talking about career plans, I think teaching might just take off in my life! My latest facebook quiz tells me that I would be best at 'elementary teaching' (but then, Smruthi got the same results... so I am not sure how reliable it is. :P). Even though a bunch of kids in a classroom are already driving me crazy (result of the kids-parents-employer pact against poor teachers), I actually do love those tiny faces. My evil employer pushed back my hours by half an hour, so, last Friday, I walked into the classroom half an hour later. None of the kids knew, so they were there from beforehand. When they saw me, they all expressed their happiness with a 'YAY' that only children are capable of saying out loud. The older kids enthusiastically told me that they have been keeping the class quiet in my absence. Throughout the rest of the time, there were several times when the class got too loud, or a kid couldn't understand an easy problem, or something. Yet, they warmed my heart. In my second class, a ten year old boy almost told me he loved me. He said, 'Miss! I lov- I like you, as a teacher.' Then all the other boys in the class shouted out a huge 'ewwww', to which my reply was: *huge smile* 'I love all of you too!!' 'EWWW' *giggles*. Another little boy from another class told me that his dad saw me on the train, talking on the phone with my mother. I don't even remember this parent, but the fact that he remembers me is quite amazing. The fact that the little boy felt special because his daddy saw his teacher out of a learning environment is also quite amazing, because the teacher is me! :P 

Little girls and boys are awesome.

My goal is to tie all of the above into a nice bundle that sits on my heart nicely, without any guilty proddings. The only person that can do so is me. :) (So if you were reading this and thinking about preaching to me, just don't. :P)

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