Monday, May 09, 2011

Back when we were young, we ran into the sun

The reality is so much harsher than what we thought it would be when we were six. The reality is so much harsher than what we thought it would be when we were sixteen. Its a sad moment of truth when you figure out you have actually stopped looking into the world through rose tinted glasses. The moment when you realise that you stopped believing in fairy tales, you stopped imagining yourself to be a princess who is treated royally by the world. When you know that the movies with happy endings are not real, when you catch yourself admiring the acting skills of those people inside your laptop screen instead of imagining yourself to be one of them. When you can't imagine the relationship between two people to be perfectly romantic and happy twenty-four-seven.

I watched an amazing movie - Waiting for Forever. Its not amazing because I admire any of the characters, nor is it amazing because I want to watch it over and over again. It was just perfect for the one and a half hour or so that I watched it, and near the end, after what seems to be a very long time in my life, I bowled my eyes out. It was amazing because the story portrayed our harsh reality, and it reminded me, over and over again, that I grew up. That it actually is not okay to pretend to freeze time in childhood.

There was a time when I could imagine anything and everything. In fact, when I was young, I remember imagining very crazy things, things that I have never mentioned to anyone (I think). I had a whole world inside my head, because I knew the world would never exist in real life. It didn't go away as I grew up, though the people and places in my imagination changed. And now, I think I have consciously restricted my imagination to certain things because I know that if I let it roam to far, it can affect my actions, and that would count. Now, everything counts. Everything counts. Everything counts. Every step I take, every thought I think, every word I say, every person I interact with, matters.

 In all honesty, if I am ever told to describe what I imagined, I couldn't. Because, now that I think about it, none of it makes sense. If whatever the ten-year-old-me thought about doesn't even make sense to the twenty-year-old me, how can it make sense to anyone else?

Its not just things I thought about ten years ago. I think, my life, and my way of thinking, changed very rapidly in the past few years. So many thoughts are trying to reach out of my mind that I don't even know what is what any more.

Do I miss the old me? Or the old me-s? (Since, clearly, there were many of them. Many twists and turns that completely changed my way of thinking, several times.) Do I want to become one of them again? I think not. I like my current state, alhamdulillah. However, they are just like a shoebox of memories that randomly pop out when I watch/read/listen to something. When I can relate to something, its like those old feelings returning to my body, mind and soul. Like, this afternoon, I fell asleep a little after lunch. It was around 3 PM, the soft sun was streaming through the blinds and falling on my face and taking some of the cold away. It was very, very comfortable, and I just fell asleep. I had a horrible dream (the dream was about how some person deceived me in a horrible, horrible way. Don't really want to give too many details. Funnily, I don't even know this person in real life. Yet, she played a huge role in the dream), then I woke up to see darkness all around. And I thought, I'm sure I slept for a very long time, why isn't it morning yet?

And then I got reminded of The Violets, by Gwen Harwood. We studied this poem in year twelve. I loved it - it talked about a little girl who woke up after her nap in the afternoon, and gets scared because its dark outside. She runs to her mother for comfort. And I think it was about how things have changed as she grew up. Funny, the internet is full of everything, yet, I cannot find a single text of The Violets. When I googled it, all I got was notes on its analysis!

I remember those moments from my life though. I would wake up when it is nearly Maghrib, and sometimes, I would wonder if its Fajr time. So, this afternoon, I sort of had a three step nostalgia: current state; eighteen year old state when I was pacing back and forth in my backyard trying to learn my essay; and the five/six year old L - when I would wake up, find myself sleeping on my tummy, look around to see darkness, and think that I need to get up to get ready for school.

I'm trying to think about why exactly I liked this movie. The music was definitely 'my type' - soft, guitar strums, simple lyrics with vivid imagery; The characters had a Hollywood glow to them, yet, the way they talked sounded normal - I think I liked that too. I liked the fact that Will has a child within himself that he always likes to unleash, yet, everyone around him knows that he is not doing himself very good. I like how he eventually figures it out. I like how the film portrays the fact that we often don't have control over our situation. What someone else does, can often have a huge effect on our present and future. We just have to accept it and learn to deal with it.

Its late. I have an assignment due on Friday, an exam on Sunday another on Wednesday. I have uni five days a week, work five days a week. I should probably stop thinking about happy things and go to sleep.

However, here is a beautiful song from the movie. I guess it would have seemed even more beautiful if I was in love. But, even now, it made me smile. The words are so carefully uttered, the music is slow in the beginning, then it picks up its speed, as if it gains confidence as time passes by.

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