Thursday, May 26, 2011

Draft from 26th April 2011

(Just realised I wrote this exactly a month ago!)

I wrote this one on the 18th of August, 2010. Now that I look back on my posts, that particular day was not so bad. I think that was the end of my journey of one cycle - when I was in the 'reformed' state. However, I vaguely remember how I felt a few days before this, and it was not good. However, alhamdulillah, I managed to get out of it. So many crimes are happening around me lately. When I see them, I feel extremely scared, because, at times, I think that that person could have easily been me. When anger and frustration takes over your mind, and you cannot perceive anything clearly, you stop being human. You can do anything, inflict any pain, on anyone. It does not have to be a physical pain (although it often is). You often psychologically damage your own self, by contradicting what you do with what you really should be doing, in order to make yourself feel good. The trick is to stop those emotions right at the beginning of their track.

Every night I tell Him I will return in the morning,
Start my day afresh with that strange sensation of yearning,
I will try to feel Him in my heart, tomorrow, I will,
Can't I forget the truth and live in dreams, just for tonight?

Tomorrow, I shall smile, I will be grateful again,
I'll thank Him for the happiness of relieving me of pain;
I will notice little beauties, tomorrow, I will!
But, for now, I just wish to close my eyes and lose my sight.

The day is gone, I lost the point that I was holding on;
I believe tomorrow, my soul will wish to be reborn.
My heart will cry with intense love and reach out to You, Lord,
Tomorrow, I shall fix me up and set it all aright.

So, I sleep tonight, every night, waiting for tomorrow,
The day when my heart will be free of darkness and sorrow;
Yet, I refuse to raise my hands, refuse to take a step.
Is it shame I feel? Or pride? Hopeless, unable to fight?

Somewhere, beneath the darkness that envelopes my heart's eyes,
I vaguely remember finding sunshine in the skies;
But my feet are heavy, caught in the quicksand on this world,
It pulls on me, drags me down, boasting of its might.

I look for those tiny rays of sunshine in my heart,
Knee deep in fake life, I begin to wish for a new start.
Sinking lower, I have no way, 'cept to find those rays -
I rummage through my memories, desperate in my plight.

As the dirt covers my waist, suddenly, I see them!
Two small rays of sunshine poking through my past's dark phlegm;
I reach inside, pull on one, pull its tiny thread
Faster and faster, thirsty for it to shed its light.

The frozen tears on my hardened heart get ready to flow,
I can feel the viscous sinking start to slow...
With wet eyelashes, a shivering soul and tingling fingertips,
I feel His mercy elevate me to a surreal height.

I take a step, slowly, walking free from the quicksand,
The ray of sunshine grows on me, I learn to understand,
I learn to feel, I learn to love; You only I worship.
Thank You, for making my 'tomorrow' bright.

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