Tying camels and burning bridges

I was quite excited for Ramadan to begin this year. I am experimenting with a few things this year and so I am interested in seeing what the results will be at the end of the month. There are a few really useful tools by ProductiveRamadan which helps in keeping plans and reviews structured. I know it has only been four days so far, but I think I've already decided that I'll use the taskinator even after Ramadan. The other reason why I am excited is that I am trying to grasp the concept of stopping thinking about what my abilities are and what category of personality I fit into, and removing all sense of limits from my mind, because Allah's ability is limitless and everything comes from Him. If anyone is able to fully understand and live by this line of thought, they would be quite happy and successful. This needs to be done with the correct intention and carefully steering clear of delusions, ie: not sleeping for a week and functioning well is possible because anything is possible by Allah. Yes, anything is possible, but Allah wants us to tie our camels!

I have a box full of diaries filled with my innermost thoughts. I write in a diary when I have something to sort out in my mind by myself. When I have my thoughts down on paper, I can rearrange things easily and make sense out of what seemed like a ball of fuzz. I'm assuming we all have moments when all we feel like doing is ranting out the most absurd things and screaming our heads off. I usually do it on paper, so that I don't chuck a fit at someone else and hurt them, which is very easy to do when we are feeling negatively emotional. I liked doing that with certain people sometimes too, people who are very non-judgmental and work as a 'wall' (as NS described it). But then, I realised, as soon as I have such conversations online, they are written in a space that isn't mine, and are no longer confined to staying in the past. Which is why I prefer the diary method much better now. But the problem is - things in there are for my eyes, and my eyes only. I am wondering whether I should burn them, because I can't really guarantee that they will not fall in someone else's hands. And anything that isn't in your control but is supposed to be in your control isn't healthy for your state of mind. But then, I don't want to just burn away years and years of thoughts! I think I started writing a diary pretty properly since I was 13 - which means I have 9 year's worth of stuff. But then, is it really worth anything if all it'll do is bring about more negativity? Isn't it better to burn bad bridges?

Scattered thoughts

I am really, really cold. Z is playing with household objects. I think I could do with a nice cup of coffee, or a well made cup of tea. But I'm too cold. I woke up with a sore throat. The rest of my family is at this weekend's Al Kauthar course. I missed out because I didn't sign up on before the tickets were sold out. Some days, some minor things seem like they are the most annoying things in the world. Like, this morning, when everyone was busy in the kitchen, their voices seemed like sharp knives in my ear. There was no particular reason for this to happen. 

I would like a cup of coffee, but I don't feel too enthusiastic about going and making one because I know that Z would throw a tantrum when I refuse to let her take a sip. I'm thinking of buying matching mugs for the two of us. I can make coffee in mine and she can drink milk in hers. Mine can be the normal sized one and hers can be an espresso cup. I'll have to find a perfect set though.

Z needs changing out of her pj's. 

Ramadan in 2 days!

Things

Today was a really busy day and I'm assuming tomorrow will be one too. We have our annual Ramadan workshop on Sunday. We usually leave the focus group quite wide, but this time, we decided to keep to high school students, and move to an entirely new location. We are doing quite a few things that we haven't done before, so it would be interesting to see the results. But, next time, I really do need to finish everything a week before, instead of a day before. MM keeps reminding me of this gently (as gently as is possible) every time I need to schedule people in for IAW. I really do need to stop with this delaying things till last minute sometime.

My current favourite thing in the world is 'Everything is Illuminated' by Jonathan Safran Foer. He is one of those writers that seem to know you inside out and then take that knowledge and illustrate it through a very specific situation (a situation that you otherwise would not be able to relate to at all). I love the way he manipulates his words to give a perfect picture but in a way that you wouldn't think of. I love the fact that he makes you feel things - smile, laugh and cry - purely with words. Its poetry in the form of a novel.

I wish I had more hours in a day.

A quite confusing post

A friend of mine has recently been reminding of how I was like a few years back. Not sure whether funny or tragic, but I honestly cannot remember how to be like that version of me. In fact, I probably am so confused about myself right now, that at this point, I don't know how to be any version of anyone. But, MM said something to me the other day - if you can free yourself of labels, you will realise that those labels don't define you. You don't have to be a particular way in order to be yourself. But in saying that, if you have no sense of standards, you begin to lose yourself. Its a hard balance to strike.

Speaking of striking a balance between things - figuring out just how much to care about what people say. You need to care about it a particular amount if you want to live in a civilised society, but you cannot care about it too much if you want to be yourself. The solution is to stick to your values like a parasite. I wish I could, though. Sometimes, I feel like I have everything figured out. I know exactly what I am doing and exactly how to do it. And then, there are times like these, when I try to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. 

I just watched a movie called Silver Lining Playbook. Its about two people with psychological disorders trying to keep going with their lives. In their heads, whatever they are doing and going through are perfectly logical. They feel like everyone else is living a lie and they are the ones who are completely honest with themselves. Most people treat them differently - with fear and confusion. It made me think - we all have a certain amount of 'craziness' within ourselves. Its only diagnosed as a disorder when it impedes daily life or harms the society in some way. It also reminded me of this quote: We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. So basically, two ideas: the fact that characteristics are in a continuum and we all lie somewhere in them, its only when you are too far into the continuum of a few chosen ones that you are considered to have a disorder. And love.

I don't think my crazy side has seen daylight with anyone or anything except for some diary pages. But, if I had to choose a person who knows that side of me the most, it would be my sisters. I think I scare her sometimes. I don't think its such a bad thing to hide away most of one's craziness. It gets in the way of living as a sensible, responsible global citizen. :)

Mind games

At this particular point in time, nothing matters except the soft rays of sun on your face. Nothing matters except the water droplets on your hair. Your thoughts can untangle themselves in another hour. All of your responsibilities can come knocking at your door this afternoon, even. But, right now, just close your eyes, and forget.

Things that piss me off #2

- Inconsiderate people
- When someone else expects me to be inconsiderate towards someone else in order to be considerate towards them.
- Screaming/shouting
- Headaches that result from hearing people scream and shout about petty things
- To-do lists (although its growing nature saddens me rather than pisses me off)

Now that that's off my chest, I can go study statistics. 

The kid who stole my heart

Z turned one on the 2nd of June. She can now eat, drink, stand up by herself, almost get off the bed, walk while holding onto things, pretend to read books and almost say my name. I look after her three days a week and it makes me go through a whole lot of emotions and thought processes. Some days I feel like a pro, some days I wonder how I can ever think of having kids. But most days, its fun. I make up silly songs and we dance. I sip on my coffee while she munches on her biscuit. We share a glass of milk. We pretend to beat drums with pots and pans. I hang up the washing and she plays with pegs, or crawls around on the grass, or chases ants on the porch. I work or study, and she flicks through her books. She wakes up from her naps and cries a little, then calms down when I wrap my arms around her. When she's tired, she lays her head on me, then slowly drifts to sleep as I walk around with her. Of course its not always like that - sometimes I walk around for about half an hour or more, only to look at her and be met with a giggle. Then I feel like just turning everything off and eating chocolate.

Her kisses are rare and special, but I ask her to 'give me a kissie' quite frequently - just to take my chances! She does give out flying kisses though, to random strangers as well. She loves playing with pens and markers, drinking out of a cup and banging things. When she sees a hair brush, she picks it up and pretends to brush her hair. She copies us when we cough, then we copy her, then she copies us again, and it turns into a little game that ends up in giggles. Sometimes, she just lays her head against me, and stays there for a while.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone, or had as much fun with anyone, as Z. She warms up my heart.

Here's what Z has to say to you lot:

r r,z            k  09kep0deocd  nnj jr l jksx   k    cx

Reminiscing

When ma goes away for a few days, the rest of the family starts living like housemates. Everyone is free to have their own plans, eat and drink whatever they want, keep things as messy or as clean as they'd like - we don't really care all that much. I suppose its awesome when its only for two days. But if we have to live like this for months, I don't think we'd survive. Ma keeps this family glued together.

I remember this time last year - I was knee deep in other people's dramas. Its funny - the dramas have all left my life right now, or maybe those people left? Or maybe I left? I'm not quite sure, but I am definitely quite far from drama nowadays. A few days later from today last year, I would have crashed my parents' car. At that time, we had two cars in our family of seven working adults. One of the cars were mostly used by ma and baba. So, I, along with the other kids of the family, drove the other car. I drove it for about 3 weeks after getting my red Ps. In those three weeks - I drove it to work at night with the radio playing high, exercised road rage, missed collisions by inches, remained lazy (driving to work meant that it cut down my travel time to about 15 mins instead of 45 mins, but I can't remember a day that I used that extra half an hour productively).

The night that I crashed the car - I was listening to the radio - Brokenhearted by Karmin was playing. It was either raining, or the road was wet from the rain from before. I was on my way back from tutoring a year 12 student. She was a new student, so I didn't know my way back from her house completely. I crossed the road, got inside the car, turned it on, turned the volume up, began driving, reached for my phone and started setting the GPS. I turned around at the end of the very short road, looked down at my GPS- and then it happened. My face was on the wheel, the music stopped and I had that tight feeling inside me. All I wanted to do was to back out and drive away. It never occurred to my arrogant self that I could possibly crash that badly. I got out of the car feeling very lost. People from the houses nearby came out. I can't remember whether I called my dad or he called me - or was it my brother? But I remember not wanting to call my mother and tell her about it, ever. I crashed it into a tree in front of an old couple's house. They came out and asked me what happened. The man called me a 'stupid girl' (very rightly so!), the woman gave me a glass of water, I realised my nose was bleeding. The woman dropped me home. I was feeling shaken, embarrassed, stupid and very, very regretful. I don't think I've ever felt that much regret in my life.

My parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Nothing happened alhamdulillah, but something could have definitely happened. I didn't even take a good look at the car, but my student later told me about its condition. I was also told that the battery could have blown up, because the engine was squashed by the tree - I could have died. The next day, I tried to arrange for the car to be picked up by a car dealer my dad knows. The day after, the police came knocking on my door. They told me that someone called up and reported about the car, charged me for wreckless driving and told me that if I don't get it picked up soon, the police will do so. I kept chasing up the guy we know, but he didn't end up doing his job on time, so I got charged double by the police. Another stab of regret.

I think this happened after my first exam. I still had three left. I couldn't study, I felt numb, guilty. I didn't know how to make it up to my family. My grandma was here at that time, and Z was born a week or two before the crash. B was supposed to take the car with him a few weeks after that, because he moved out a few weeks before - moved out for the first time. I didn't really tell any of my friends about the crash in so much detail, because I hadn't yet processed it in my mind. I did not attempt one of the exams, and scraped past the other two. I kind of stopped caring about university at that point - my friends were going through horrible changes, I had to somehow pay off everything to do with the car, work was getting bad, my sleeping was all over the place, I got physically sick, and nanu was still over at our place - so I still needed to make sure I smiled. I know people who have gone through much worse, so, alhamdulillah that that was one of the lowest points in my life.

I quit ABA therapy a few months after that. The progress of the kids plateaued and I had no idea how to fix it. I wasn't sure if I was doing everything right and I constantly felt like the parents were wasting their money by paying me. All the money that I had saved had gone behind the car. I had to start over. I can't remember much of university from my second semester, except for psychopathology classes. I started the semester by caring about things, and ended it by giving up. I began to avoid the people I used to do group studying with, because I never did much of my part. That was the time that I went through a lot of changes about my world view as well. I did a lot of thinking about my thinking and changed the way I thought. That happens all throughout your life, and I record mine in this blog, yes, but, during that time, big changes were quite condensed into a few months or so.

So, what have I learnt by reminiscing?
- To be more forgiving and merciful to others. I don't know what they are going through, I can try to understand, but I can never fully put myself in their shoes. I have made several wrong decisions during those months, but I needed to sort through them myself. Being judged by someone else would have never helped.
- To remember that I can die at any time, but Allah has given me a chance, and is still giving me that chance. I will get that second chance till my last breath. But I don't know when my last breath will come. I need to plan for the future and work on the present.
- To stop going hard and soft on myself and just stick to neutrality. If I make a mistake, I need to come up with a strategy to bounce back and move forward. Balance.
- To stop wasting my life by complaining, watching stupid TV shows or feeling sorry for myself.
- Life is too short to care about what I think what other people are thinking. But life can possibly be too long to take spontaneous decisions that will affect me/someone else negatively for a very long time. 

Days like this

The sky seems like it will rain at any moment. I have a heap of clothes that need to be handwashed. My room needs to be cleaned. Z's toys are everywhere. Kitchen needs to be cleared out. I need to reply back to some emails and messages. I planned to exercise today... must motivate myself to do so sometime. There are some things that my mum wants me to do that needs to be done. Z needs to be fed. I need to call up Vodaphone again. I heard about a man who looked through 800 dead bodies just to find his daughter, after which, he was able to claim 20, 000 taka from the government. Aid money isn't reaching those people because of the corruption. Rape rates are sky rocketing in Syria. Max Brenner is opening up at my uni and allowing consumerism to further consume up humanity.

On days like this, I feel like shutting off from the world - not picking up the phone, not checking my emails, not reading the news, not remember that I have a live baby in my care. I feel like curling up with a cup of coffee and forget that I need to keep fighting my battles, no matter how small they are.

Jung Typology

My life changed so much in the past year. In fact, after I wrote that sentence, I remembered my obsession with personality tests and thought I should do one again. I got INTJ - I (33%), N (12%), T (25%), J (1%). This is quite amusing, because about a year ago, I was I/E N/S FP. Of course, this is no where close to being exact science. My personality is quite malleable and changes according to the people I respect and/or hang around with. But, even if I just judge by my responses, I can see that I have changed a tad over those months!

World Newses

The world is becoming more and more similar to the worlds from dystopian movies from the 90s. I wish it was an option to just turn everything off and hide in a little comfortable corner, and still turn out okay for eternity. 

Grudges, Misunderstandings, Forgiveness- and all that jazz

I got hurt by someone I love this morning and it slowed my productivity by a mile. All I felt like doing was hide under the covers and cry tears of annoyance. And, after I did some hiding, and some crying and some writing, I realised a few things. (This is going to be a YM type writing, so if you're allergic to mushiness, leave now or forever hold your peace.)

The person who hurt me has no idea that I got hurt. Every time I try to talk to said-person about a certain thing that he/she said that hurt me, it always ends up down the wrong road. She (for the purposes of this writing, lets keep it to a female, but read 'he/she') misunderstands me somehow, and I'm never able to make my point with her. For a long time, I thought the problem was with me. I thought that I am not able to express myself well, which is why there are so many misunderstandings. Then I came across some people who understood me so well that I didn't feel the need of putting up a guard. Its like neither of us felt that it is possible to have hidden meanings behind words, so we just assume the best possible apparent meaning. And if that apparent meaning isn't the best possible one, we would talk about it as soon as possible. I got so used to being so lucky that I forgot that people often do hide what they mean, so, when those people in my life began popping up again, I fell back into walking down the wrong road.

My point is - there are some people that you will have a clear line of communication with, and some with whom you will have no idea what book they are on, let alone being on the same page. Ideally, you would stop interacting with these people because they get on your nerves so much that you feel like murdering them every time they open their mouth. But, that is not possible. Especially if you love them so much.

This is the way I see it now. After I get hurt, I can do one of two things - I can deal with it with that person or I can deal with it myself. (There's no third option, because you always need to deal with things.) Doing either of those requires me to remember where I am from and where I am going. In Islam, interactions with others is so important that if you're unjust to someone else, it can be your ticket to hell. So, I need to take care of my side of things. I need to make sure that I am being fair and assertive, but not aggressive. I need to make sure that I go down the most effective path, instead of the path that will make me feel better. So, even if it makes me feel temporarily better to scream my head off at that person, will it really make a difference? I need to think about the position of that person in my life, their personality, their situations.

I need to remember that we are all selfish in one way or another, and the best way to use our selfish nature is if we use it to be selfish about Jannah. I need to remember that I need to get there, and if someone hurts me, its only better for my hereafter. Some people desperately try to forgive others so that the other person's hereafter is intact, in the process of which go into a self-denying cycle of subconscious grudge, which might turn into some sort of action in the future that will end up ruining their own hereafter. So, remember to take care of your own survival first.

If you keep your own intentions and actions in check, and you remember that your ultimate goal is Jannah, nothing in the world can defy your happiness. If you really love that person, somewhere down the track, things will be fixed and you'll subconsciously forgive them.

(I hope the above will make sense to Future L.)

Things that piss me off

In no particular order.

- People who are dissatisfied with things they can't change.
- People who are dissatisfied with things they can change, but instead of changing them, just complain about them. To others. Personal blogs/diaries/God doesn't count.
- When people who critique society in order for others to notice what it is that they can change even though they think they cannot are labelled as complainers.
- Overtly materialistic people.
- Directing strong words towards one particular person in order to inflict pain.
- People who keep falling out on their responsibilities for stupid reasons. I know, I know, I am one of them. I piss myself off too.
- Adults who are yet to snap out of their teenage state.
- Teenagers.
- When the house is messed up ten minutes after I have cleaned it, by an 11 month old kid.
- When that particular 11 month old kid refuses to fall asleep during her nap time.
- People who care way too much about social expectations, and lose themselves in the process.
- Jealousy.
- People who make a lot of mistakes yet are unforgiving towards others.
- The blue pill.

Cravings

I think my plan has worked. I no longer 'crave' coffee as much as I did... last week. In saying that, I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying a cup every now and then. I am currently sipping on organic fair trade coffee, freshly ground and espresso-ed. A few articles convinced me to go organic in terms of coffee - more anti-oxidants, less caffeine per cup, no artificial pesticides used during cultivation, better for the environment and so on. I haven't done much research on Fair Trade products, but from what I know, they follow a certain level of standards in taking care of their workers. "What Fair Trade ensures is that producers receive a fair price no lower than the market price. It also ensures that there is accountability and transparency in the supply chain." All in all, its a pretty good deal!

So yes, not craving things has a really big advantage. We crave something when we expect it in our life, but can't get our hands on it. So, if we can learn to eliminate that expectation for 'things' (and people), then we can enjoy those much more, because we will be cherishing their presence. 

Food

I ran out of coffee beans. I can't remember when I finished them, but it must've been a while - about a week? I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms, and attempting to address them by inventing new things with tea bags. My best invention is probably this: Fill a cup with half water and half low fat milk and put it in the microwave for three minutes. About a minute later, add some cinnamon and a tea bag or two. Another minute later, add a bit of lemon/orange rind and some bits of dry ginger. Keep a watch so that the liquid doesn't boil over, but, comes to a 'boil'. Once you've paused and started the microwave a few times to stop it from boiling over but letting it come to a boil, take it out, squeeze the tea bag out, spoon out the cinnamon and add a spoon of honey. Let it cool for a minute or two, and you are ready to go! It's simple and easy, but it also has the right kind of heaviness, as well as the right kind of freshness.

In saying that, I must say I miss my coffees. But, in saying that, I do realise I have been pulled deeper into the traps of caffeine than anticipated. I know its just coffee, and I know I laugh about it. But it goes a little more than that. The fact that I'm so dependent on it to make me feel 'awake' is a little scary. It goes against rules of nature to be so dependent on anything in this world. My mum always tries to tell me this. About different things - over the years - because I am the type of person to get attached to people/things really easily. I think my mum is like me too, but she tries to negate that side of herself by thinking that she isn't attached. Which is pretty useful, and healthy, if you can do it properly. (And unfortunately, very unhealthy if you can't! Your mind would keep negating what your heart keeps telling you, and you will suffer from a major cognitive dissonance. :P)

I also realised I have been sounding a little preachy lately (or maybe.. for a while?). I apologise if I have annoyed you. Preachy people annoy the hell out of me (note the pun :P), because, they listen less, and talk more. Just because a person is religious, does not mean he/she has to be preachy, and just because someone is preachy, does not necessarily mean it must be about religion. Its just basically conversing with someone, without really engaging in the conversation. Generally, it is characterised by broad statements and revolve around a particular topic. I detest people who do not engage in conversations, who are thinking about something else while talking to you, because it shows that they are subconsciously thinking that you are not worthy of their full attention.

So, yes, I apologise. But, at the same time, I know why I may have been so. My mind often feels overwhelmed by the amount of thoughts it has, because of the exposure to different ideas. So, I would be thinking about one thing, but would move on to something else without letting the first thought fully develop. A fully developed thought comes with closure, and usually, some action points, while a half-developed thought is filled with emotions, because your mind hasn't resolved its bits and pieces. So, when there are several half developed thoughts, your mind becomes one messed up place and an emotional train wreck.

What I need to remember is this: Life is denied by a lack of attention, whether it be cleaning windows, or trying to write a masterpiece. I wrote it down from a book that Miffy recommended to me, but I am forgetting to live by it lately. I need to remember that I cannot save the world with the very limited resources I have, and it won't do if I just keep talking about it. You will be living in delusion if you think that merely talking about something is an action in itself, or that you, yourself, can save a huge problem that is affecting people around the globe. There is no use in trying to save others if you are not saved yourself. So, whatever is in your mind, put it down on paper (or the screen). Once all your issues are out of your head, sort them into action points. Then, get to it, whether it be cleaning windows, or writing a masterpiece. And remember to put all of yourself in it for the duration of time that you spend doing it.

Blunders

When I veer away from the path towards my destination, knowingly, that's when my mind is at its lowest point. That's when my heart breaks in two. That's when I tune out of my rationality and turn up my sensations, so that I feel the thud of my shoes on the footpath harder than usual, so that the screech of a bird high above me rings in my ear, so that the tires of the cars driving past seem a little too loud. Because, I know, as soon as I tune back into my thoughts, my mind would curse me. My brain would tell my heart off for being so weak. I have no excuses for being so reckless with myself, except that I am human.

The other reason why I avoid rational thoughts during those times is because the rational side of me will make me feel very guilty for being so selfish. The world is in a turmoil, people are being killed as a result of injustice every single day. And there are several actions that I can take. There are several projects that I have gotten involved in, and several more that I intend to get involved in. These things are things that we should do as lucky citizens of the world, they are nothing extra that we should be congratulated for. In other words, its our duty to do as much as we can as fellow human beings because we are so much luckier than them in terms of worldly resources. So, when my mind is a mess, I avoid the world, and in turn, my mind hates the mess that it is in.

Nothing is the end of the world, until you die. But, one must remember that the last breath can come at any moment. So, the time to pick yourself up is now. The time to replace a bad with a good is now. Move forward, even if you don't want to, the past will fix itself up if the damage is light. The more damage that is done, the more fixing it'll take. So, you need to start fixing at a time when the damage is minimal, or as minimal as can be. The thing to learn from sins is that its a good reminder that you are not above anyone or anything. What you consider to be horrible that is done by someone, you can fall into it too.  It is only by the grace of God that you are saved. So, be thankful for that grace and use it!

In other news, I bought "A Room with a View" today. It's turning out to be a funny novel. I also had a mocha in a huge cup from a new coffee shop and wrote pages after pages in a brand new notebook. Why is that so therapeutic for me? I do not need retail therapy, I need notebook in a cafe therapy. Now that I have had my therapy and self-talk, I feel much better. I shall depart now. :)

Advice to future self

You can't be perfect, but strive for perfection in some things anyway. Strive for perfection in the things that matter, and the only things that matter are the things that will count towards Jannah. With the things that don't matter - don't get too bogged down if you can't get something perfect. Make sure there is at least one well wisher in this world who knows what you are up to. Secrets are dangerous for developing your perception. Try to achieve a balance in your emotions and exercise your intellect. Keep the end goal in sight and know, that everything you do, everywhere you go, every happiness you feel - it is all from Allah. 

What's been happenin' in there

I've been wanting to write for a while, but haven't found the time or the words. I suppose, I haven't found the inspiration either. Why did I write here all that time? I began writing with a few others, then I moved on to writing for one of or two people. Then, I've just been writing for myself. I mentioned that there isn't much I have to hide, hence, all can be out in the open in this space, just in case I turn out to be some kinda psycho and I can't see it myself but someone else can. But, in the past year or so, I am not sure whether I have fulfilled that purpose either. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but they take too long to process and write, all in one place. So, I have been writing here and there. Some were in personal diaries, some to friends. And, alhamdulillah, I think I've figured a lot of it out. I think I have changed a lot too, in this past year. Another reason that I wrote here is so that I would be able to know myself when I go back and read. I don't think that's so true any more. I can't read what I wrote two years ago and figure out the present. But that's okay, because the present is mostly figured out nowadays, and that's all that matters regarding myself.

I have a huge day planner for the year. I try to write a list of things to do every day, and make a rough schedule of how my day will go. It's working, more or less. I think I have trouble keeping balance between how much time I spend in my head, and how much time I spend "doing" things. I definitely prefer one over the other, but at different times. I am not entirely sure if its possible to do so at any one time. But its definitely better than being overwhelmed with the thousand things in my head.

"Careful now, with my head.
I said, careful now, what you do with my head.
Make your mind up,
Make your little mind up.
To each is his own,
each is her own."

Reminder

"Three things will benefit a person after they pass away: Knowledge that they leave behind that people benefit from, a continuing charity (sadaqah jaariyah), and a righteous child that will seek forgiveness for their parents."

The Prophet (SAW) explains what constitutes as sadaqah jariyah in another hadith: "A slave of Allah will continue to get rewarded for seven things after they are deceased and in their graves: 1- Whoever taught knowledge. 2- Facilitated a pathway for water 3- Built a well 4- Planted a tree 5- Built a Masjid 6- Gave a copy of the Quran 7- Left a child behind that will seek forgiveness for them after their death." (Sahih Al-Jami' 3602)

The usuals... and Z!

I love going through my old posts and picking up little wisdoms. We all have certain strengths and weaknesses, and they stay fairly similar throughout our lives. We can have personal growths and change those, but in general, whatever one person struggles with, they will always somewhat struggle with it. For example, I generally consider boundaries to be arbitrary. So, due dates are arbitrary and "mess" isn't bothersome. So, time management and being organised are amongst my biggest struggles. But, I have taken steps, over and over again, to change those traits in me. And they've worked! The trick is to keep at it. So, I like going through my own writing because it shows me how I've dealt with my difficulties in the past. When Allah gives us a test, He also gives us tools to pass it. Sometimes, I forget what tools I have, or how to use them. So, it helps to remind myself how I've done it before.

One thing that is currently bothering me is that I am running away from one particular piece of work. Its a very tiny bit of work, but every time I think about it, I feel stressed out. Reason is, I ran away from it for so long that now I don't even want to face the person for whom I need to do this. And I literally have no excuses. I can come up with a few I suppose, but I hate it when people blow excuses out of proportion, and I hate doing things that I hate in other people. (I just remembered a few other things that I have to do that are of similar nature... sigh.) So, more than the work, what is bothering me is the fact that I am annoying those people with my lack of action. So, I am procrastinating from it even more, which makes no sense.

I have been very obsessed with Myers-Brigg personality types. I've read up on them so much that now I love guessing people's types, because I generally get them right. They are useful because they let you understand people a little more. But, it stops being useful when you start giving excuses for shortcomings and do nothing about them. First step for fixing anything up is recognition, but you need to make sure you move onto the second step as soon as possible.

Little Z is growing up quite fast. Now she tries to crawl. I'm watching her try very hard to get to a block that she threw a little too far, but she just can't herself off her bottom! So she's rocking back and forth and moving her arms and legs, as if she's willing the block to come to her... lol. I remember her as the tiny thing wrapped in a blanket who just needed a little bit of humming and patting to fall asleep. I remember watching her sleep and wishing she'd wake up so I could play with her. Now, she loves playing so much that she doesn't want to fall asleep! I love singing meaningless songs and dancing around with her in my arms. I love taking her out on an impulse. I love having little relaxing sessions in the backyard, with our pillows and nasheeds, and the blue sky and a soft breeze. I love the way she trusts me to catch her when I throw her up in the air. I love the way she knows she's safe when she's in my arms, so if she's crying, I can pick her up and comfort her. May Allah keep her safe, both in this world and in the next.

OKAY. Time to go and make one of those lists.

So I have strung up several words together for little Z over the past (nearly) 8 months. I shall record them in this post when I remember them, just so that she can grow up and see how awesome her khammi is.

You are my drum, drum, drum
You are my guitar
And I can strum
you all day long.

Will you be my sweety pie?
Be my honey bee?
Will you be my butterfly?
Little Zainabee.

Oh Allah, don't let little Zain
feel the pain
of the world being ripped from her heart
Don't let her ever, ever be apart
from You.

Can you see me looking at you across the room?
Can you here me calling out your name?
Can you feel me loving you so much, little Zee,
When you grow up, will you feel the same?

Welles

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop the story."

Lemonade

January hasn't been a great month so far. I have been quite short tempered with the people I love, confused about a whole lot of things and annoyed with myself. I think one of the reasons is that I have not been working towards any particular goals. My inconsistency gets in the way of achieving a lot of things I want to achieve, but I often do have a fairly good idea of what I want to achieve, and start off on their paths with a great deal of enthusiasm. This month, I have not taken any initiative to do anything productive and constructive. When you aren't being constructive, you become destructive.

So, what do you do? You make lemonade with the bunch of lemons you currently have.

Relief

Ma's coming back today. One overriding feeling I am having, surprisingly, is relief. Yes, I missed her and love her, but right now, I am relieved that she will be back to take her responsibility back. I have not exactly been looking after the house or the family in her absence. We sort of have this system of each-man-for-his-own when she isn't here. I say "sort of", because, every now and then, one of us gets inspired to do something epic and make ourselves a family again. Either way, for the past month, I have had to cook, clean and look after little Z more than I have before that. When she is at home, she does not like it when I am not home much, but this time, even when she wasn't, I could not leave home too frequently because of those reasons. I actually miss uni now. 

Pi, Love and God

A and I have been wanting to watch Life of Pi for a while. But our own lives kept getting in the way, until we finally got a chance yesterday. She paid a ridiculous amount to get us two tickets, two 3D glasses and a large drink (now I remember why I download movies). 3D glasses were a good investment though - some of the trailers looked quite interesting! Except, I don't have a whole lot of money, so I might need to convince some rich friend to take me. :P

I loved several concepts in the film. Pi was getting bullied at school for his name, so he did something about it, and made sure it was pretty damn creative! And then there was his honesty with finding God. When he knew what the church said about Jesus, he said something like, it made no sense for God to send His innocent son to take away the sins of the people who actually committed a crime, but the more I got to know this son, the more I loved him. It perfectly portrays how I feel about the concept as I know it to be. Flawed logic, but the character of Jesus is very loveable. I also liked what his father said about faith - he said he would prefer Pi to follow something he did not approve of, given that Pi chooses the path himself. Following 3 religions at once is like following none at all. The first tool to use is reason, then he can choose a path, instead of following something blindly. I liked that concept because a lot of people categorise all religions under the one banner, which leads to meshing of concepts within them, even if they are contradictory to each other. It is also encouraged from the idea that we must accept all people as they are. But its important to remember that accepting a person is different from accepting a "concept".

When he was getting away from the floating island, he said something that struck me hard. I tried to find the quote and failed, so lets just go with my memory. He said something about God's plan being greater. Even when it seems that there is no hope, it is actually for the best, and you don't see it until much later. When he became exhausted from travelling, God gave him rest, then showed him the way. And he was thankful for it. This concept is something that is ingrained in us as Muslims. As we travel through life, we face storms that make us think we can't get through, then we try our best, as well as pray to be saved from it. We know, in our hearts, that everything happens for the best. And with hardship, comes ease. And that everything is supposed to make us grateful servants of God.

I also loved the concept of having two different choices of a story. You can look at one situation in many different ways, its just about your perspective which can show you or hide from you God's part in it. The cinematography was great right from the beginning, music was chosen well. It really does remind you of the colours of life and the depth of its discovery. It's one of those films that I would not mind watching again. I actually want to read the book. I have a feeling the author did a great job of allowing us to explore our imagination.

In other news, I have also been watching White Collars. My friend lent it to me on a USB, which was not a good idea, because, at least when something is on the internet, it takes time to load, after which, you often don't feel like watching it. (Actually, that's a lie. I would still watch it.) I finished the first season, and while there were several things I didn't like about it, like, horrible acting from some characters, I loved the plot of most episodes. Its the story of a top notch fraud criminal turning into a consultant for the FBI agent (Peter) who catches him. (Reminded me about Catch Me If You Can - one of my favourite movies!) The season shows a great relationship between Peter and his wife, Elizabeth. They are very secure about each other, they have fun, share their interests and make time for each other, even though they have been married for 10 years. Anyway, in the whole season, the main character was trying to find a girl that he loves. And in the end, when he did find her, he asks Elizabeth how she knew Peter was the one. She said, "I think there is a difference between loving the idea of someone and loving who they really are."

Its a pity that life is often filled with people who are just "ideas" to us. How do you really know who someone is, until you take that leap of faith? Or do you not take a leap of faith before you are really sure about who the person is? But then, how can you ever be sure?

I don't think we can ever be sure. That's why, there is a concept in Islam called Tawaqqul - reliance on God. You try your best in something, then you rely on Him for results, and you believe with every bit of certainty that whatever the result is, it is best for you. I get scared about the first part - trying my best. I have tried my absolute best in very few occasions, because I am terrified of getting hurt by failure. At least when you don't try and fail, it doesn't hurt much. But I know how ridiculous this thought process is. If you continue to think in such a way your entire life, you will never try in anything, then get to the end of it and realise how short that time was and how much you've potentially missed out on.

Little Z is growing up, and as she grows, I can feel my love for her in my heart. She does many things that would annoy the heck out of me if it was any other baby - like sucking on my phone till drool seeps out of it long after she leaves it alone, crying for reasons that are unknown to me, pooping when I am about to take her out, scratching and punching me with such surprising force for such tiny nails and limbs. But I still love her. And I can imagine how much more A loves her. And God loves His creation more than a mother loves her child. So, even if we think we've screwed up our lives pretty badly, we just need to have hope in Him and keep asking Him to show us better days, for what we need and want.

“If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?”

I can steal back mine

I like unpredictability, to a certain extent. I like waking up in the morning and finding out that its raining on a day I can afford to stay in bed all day. I like watching the ironies of life take place one after another, as an outsider. And when I was younger, I used to love unpredictable people. I could not imagine living with one person for the rest of my life because after a while, the novelty would wear off, and the person would become predictable. But, as I grew, I realised unpredictable people make me nauseous. I suppose its sort of like riding on a rollercoaster. It thrills you for a little while, but you don't want to be riding one for the rest of your life.

They make me nauseous and annoy the living daylight out of me. Which is why, I am incredibly and increasingly annoyed at myself for slowly turning into one of them. I have always hated it when people stop returning phone calls, are absent for meetings, take up a commitment then don't fulfil it properly. I hate unreliable people. For a very long time, I tried my utmost to keep up my commitments with people, even if my own life is falling apart (in my mind, mostly), because it was no one else's business. I hated giving excuses, because in essence, excuses are just those - excuses. If I was feeling sluggish, a good load of commitments would pick me right up and back into business. I hate the fact that this isn't happening any more.

So, for the past few days, I have been attempting to do what I do best - diagnose my own problem and fix it. Make a list and get to it. Drink coffee. But, annoyingly, things aren't getting fixed. Instead, my to-do list is getting longer, my mind is turning into a bigger mess than it was. When my friends ask what the heck is going on, I cannot tell them anything because I am not exactly sure myself.

I think its just that I keep forgetting that life is fair. I keep looking at the world through a selfish person's eyes and thinking its okay. I keep forgetting that life is no big deal, but its something that I have to deal with. Running away from a to-do list doesn't make it disappear.

I should go through my blog and tag posts as "inspirational" from times when I feel inspired by something. I could use some now.

"Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me."

Miles of clouded hell

Everyone has a different definition of "rock bottom". They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. But what if your definition changes? What if you dig the ground at the bottom of the ocean and bury yourself? What if you keep going until you reach the core and burn yourself to nothingness? Well, I suppose the worst thing would be if you never realised that you hit it, and you kept digging the hole. If you kept digging it until you have no more breath left.

I just hate the thought of picking myself up afterwards. The swim back is so much harder than the straight fall. And it reminds me that, if I never fell down here, I probably could be flying towards infinity right now. The worst emotion to feel is regret, and that is an overriding feeling while you swim back. It makes it so much harder.

I know that if I didn't make mistakes, I would not be human. I would be one of those women with their hair up in a tight bun and a stick up their backside. I would have a heart in which tears wouldn't enter, just roll over. But it makes me wonder, is anything different now? Even after making mistakes, am I a better person?

When you want to do things the right way, life gets harder and harder, and it will keep getting harder. Struggle is the only way forward, if eternal happiness is what you want. And you will be fooling yourself if you think you don't want that.

Life is actually very fair.

"It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes."

2013

Its funny how its the first day of the year, a bright and sunny day, and I feel like doing absolutely nothing besides sleeping. I found this in a text I sent ages ago:

"Its a song about running away from life into an alternate reality. It's funny how you can take an idea as vague as that, change the intensity and apply to anyone's life."

I realised I say "its funny how" a lot.

Time to get a coffee and smash that to-do list.

Fleeting

We fear risks because risks are just those - risks. You jump without knowing whether the surface will be soft enough to break your fall. You leap without knowing what is in front of you. It can be something amazing, yes. It can bring new insights to life, yes. But it can also disorient you with all that height. That is why we prefer the status quo. 

The tidal wave

Somewhere in the middle, this blog was the place to vent. I could say anything I wanted, as long as I kept it vague enough for most of my readers to never figure things out. Venting is okay as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and I never did hurt anyone through my words from here. But I fear things have changed. Or maybe this is just my headache and all other bodily pains talking.

"My hope is a tidal wave, and your home was a great escape."

"What is it to grow old?
...
It is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young."

One of my favourite poems is Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

"...Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day..."

Every person is for themselves.

Demons

(By: Imagine Dragons)

When your dreams all fail,
And the ones we hail are the worst of all,
And the blood's run stale -

I want to hide the truth.
I want to shelter you.
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide.

No matter what we breed,
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom, come.

This is my kingdom, come.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Don't get too close,
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Sarah Kay - And found

I am a god of drawers left open.

Its easy to catch me in the act of searching -
My keys,
Myself.

Aah - don't sit there - you might knock over the pile of confidence I took all day to stack.
I promise to tidy up before company arrives
Wouldn't want my socks and daydreams all over the carpet.
I know where most things are
But give me enough time and I can lose anything.
I have had enough practice at sliding things under the bed
when no one is watching.
And I know -
You are always in the last place I look. 

Having that bubble burst

I really like this song. Brick by boring brick by Paramore.

--

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind

It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out

But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true

You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle

With a purpose - 1

So, as you know, a whole bunch of things happened in my life this year. Nothing as dramatic as deaths or marriages, but I have had a serious car accident and have seen the formation of a few couples. I have also been exposed to new ideas and controversies, which I shan't talk about clearly until I am clear myself. But as always, I shall talk about my thought process. The most important thing I learnt from this year is that it is extremely important to know the purpose of your existence. Once you know your purpose, everything else comes under its huge umbrella and it becomes much easier to sort what comes in and leaves your life. The purpose of your existence comes from the way you view the world.

The way I view the world comes from my understanding of the Quran. So, this world, to me, is a test. Each of us are here for a number of years, in which we are required to make several decisions. After death, we will be judged on the decisions we made. We will be judged by God, who is the most merciful, the most loving, but is also fair and is the sole owner of all power. Each of us are individuals and equals in His eyes. He will reward us or punish us according to the choices we make in this world. You can only make a choice about something you know about. So, we need to try our best to learn, then make decisions based on what we know. Following anything blindly does not do justice to our intellect. However, getting caught up with too many options may mean that there is no fruition of your knowledge. So, there needs to be a balance between gaining knowledge and implementing them.

(Sort of an) update

I haven't written here for a very long time. Since I last wrote, my exams have finished. Since I last "properly" updated, I quit ABA therapy, one of my friends had a kid, little Z rolled over for the first time, I realised that gym is actually helpful, I began to think about the world and realised how untrustworthy the system is. There must've been a whole lot of other things that has happened, but they happened so fast that I haven't had the chance to sit down and contemplate. I'm beginning to think I quite like this state - the state of "doing" rather than "thinking". I mean, sometimes, "thinking" is "doing", in which case, I would like to "think" as well, but most of this blog is about "thinking" about the second sort of "thinking", which isn't really helpful.

I seemed to have started several posts over the past month. These were in my draft:

12/11 - Nuisances

- Constantly feeling like I must be politically correct.
- Being old and directionless.
- Procrastination.

17/11 - (untitled)

I am beginning to realise the world is more complicated than it seems.

23/11 - My understanding of reality

(no content)

26/11 - (untitled)


You were walking on a path with flowers on a sunny day
everything was okay


26/11 - (untitled)

Its a funny thing, to be human.

1/12 - (untitled)


I had a very interesting year this year, possibly the most interesting year of my life. I faced tests that I have not faced before, learnt new things and (apparently) changed as a person. I have a feeling this is how its going to be for a very long time. Once you learn to accept

- being aware of the world
- different personalities
- all creation of God - test/blessing
- every moment is a test
- life is so short + unpredictable
- outcome of a situation is not up to us, the preparation + the reaction is.
- ^leads to a whole range of emotions -- don't push it down. deal with it.
- believer - a mirror for another believer
- when someone has an opinion about you - evaluate it. take it on board if its valid (be truthful with yourself. cut down on the ego). if you don't think it is, tell them why etc etc. best - consensus.
- priorities

---

So yes, it seems like I had a lot to say, but I must've felt overwhelmed every time I began writing, so I stopped. In fact, this is beginning to overwhelm me again (and I remembered how many chores I have left). So I shall stop.

Diagnosises and contemplation about unseriousness

This morning, I woke up, for the third time, feeling a little groggy. The weather isn't too warm yet. I have to get a whole lot of work done. I must be on my feet as soon as I can. So, I reached for my coffee machine, and didn't think twice before using the double shot filter. My mother was against setting up the machine, because she thought I'd develop a habit of drinking coffee, and then become dependent on it, and then ruin my life like other drug addicts. I have developed a habit, and I have become a little dependent (only on days like today). But the problem wasn't in 'setting up the machine' in itself. The problem was in reaching for coffee whenever I wanted to feel awake, even when I wasn't too sleepy. I realised, we spend a lot of time diagnosing and treating the wrong problems. And when the treatment doesn't yield the intended result, we get frustrated.

I was catching up on my psychopathology lectures (and thinking, I love this, why haven't I listened to these before?). Right now, all psychological disorders are diagnosed categorically - you either have it or you don't. This doesn't make sense, because we can all have symptoms of different disorders. Right now, psychologists draw a line (which is quite arbitrary) and say that this is what makes you eligible to have a disorder. They are changing that next year for some diagnosis into diagnosing dimensionally. The bottom line is, we all have a bit of something in us. We're all a little bit 'crazy'. Sometimes craziness is good. it can make you more creative than the average person. It can make you cleaner than the average person (OCD with cleanliness). It can make you more interesting. But when the craziness gets in the way of living, that is when it needs to be toned down.

One interesting disorder is Histronic Personality Disorder. Some analysts diagnosed Scarlett O'Hara to have it. I think I read Gone with the Wind in year 12. I loved the novel - I loved its development of the characters, which was achieved though its pace and language. It was one of those novels that pulled me right in and allowed me to be one of them. I loved Rhett Butler's bluntness. He was an interesting character - he was truthful and blunt, yet, filled with love for Scarlett. At that time, Scarlett seemed to be a typical woman to me. She never paid much attention to the chasing, she chased another man in her heart - an idolised version of a real person, she was sexy and she knew it, she managed a whole lot of trouble by pushing her emotions deep inside with 'I'll think about this tomorrow'. The other female character that was well developed was Melanie. She didn't have the ego of Scarlett, nor her flare. She was an emotionally stable, consistent woman. Because the novel is set up so that we look through Scarlett's eyes, Melanie seems like a plain girl who is always in the background. Anyway, so, Scarlett, to me, seemed to be on the right path, because most women that I have seen held that kind of an attitude. Therefore, when we were studying Histronic Personality Disorder, and she was used as an example, it made me look at her from a completely different perspective. When I read through the symptoms, she did seem to tick off all of them.

This was interesting, because, as I said, she seemed like most women I knew. This goes back to the notion of disorders being on a scale, rather than being categorical. I think, as humans, we should continually check ourselves for our weaknesses. This is why I find studying psychology to be extremely helpful. It makes people mindful of their own attributes which helps them catch themselves before falling too deep.

I found this post of mine a little accidentally, and I really liked the thoughts there. I was right to cherish the unseriousness of life. I still remember that day - I do remember looking out the window and feeling the beauty that I described there. This year, my mind seemed to be too cluttered to take life unseriously enough. But, I did like this year. It was a different experience, and it taught me a lot. When you try something new, only then can you know whether you will like it or not. I tried living in absolute strict routine, didn't work for me. I tried hardcore science, didn't work for me. I tried sitting in a class with a bunch of people confused over easy linguistics concepts, didn't work for me. I tried never saying no, didn't work for me. There are a few things in my life right now that aren't working for me. However, most things are. I made a list of all the things I know about myself, at the end of first year, in order to decide which career path I should take. And I don't regret it - I love psychology. I am not entirely sure exactly what niche I would like to go into, but I have an approximate idea at least! I should make another list and compare.

On another note - I should find some older friends to hang out with. I hang around too many little kids who make me feel old, both intentionally and unintentionally. (Yes, that's you, Sum. :P)

PS: I realise the photo has nothing to do with the post, unless you want to stretch your analysis and look at the thoughts as 'prying open my heart with my fingers, resulting in victory'. I used to post up slightly unrelated photos with my posts all the time, and I realised I haven't done so in a while. And its a pretty photo I took in May. :)  

Looking through window panes

Weddings have the potential to give one of two experiences - the time of your life or absolute boredom. When I know some of the guests well, it usually is wonderful. Everything becomes exciting - getting dressed, walking around in heels, taking photos, and of course, the food. If I know the bride and/or groom well enough, the speeches and slideshows are also fun to watch. The last few weddings I have been to have lived up to the expectation of providing the first experience. However, there was this one wedding, sometime last year, which made me look at bengali weddings from a completely different perspective. 

I went there from another event, so, I was not as dressed up as I would usually be. I didn't know the bride and/or groom at all, neither did I know any guests well enough. I remember feeling like a complete outsider as soon as I walked in. All the girls looked exactly the same - similar make up, hair and clothes. Everyone had polite smiles on their faces. They looked approvingly at everything that they resemble and disapprovingly at anything they didn't. I resorted to the good old fiddling with phone technique to avoid awkward interactions. The slideshows and speeches seemed very generic and cliched. By the end of the night, I literally felt suffocated by how hard they tried to maintain certain social expectations and how satisfied people felt at knowing that it was maintained well.

I think, the difference between the two types of weddings were whether they were able to make the guests laugh or smile with their eyes, or whether they forced a smile onto their lips. The difference was in how real the enjoyment was. I suppose its hard to cater for real enjoyment in weddings of people (read - parents of bride and groom) who know a whole lot of people from different walks of life. So, at the end of the day, its about how much you care about other people's perceptions of you (and how much you can afford to not care!). 

Three of my friends will probably get married sometime in the near future. It hit me quite suddenly this morning - they are all pretty amazing people. They have depth in character, have adopting/is adopting the attitude of learning from life, are not pretentious, somewhat to great problem solvers. All of them, at one point or another, have gotten on my nerves. But, somehow, things worked out well and them and I have grown closer through the problems we have faced. What I also realised is, the counterparts of these people also have quite amazing personalities. Its exciting to see how the future will unfold. 

A friend of mine recently had her twenty first. She invited quite a few girls to a restaurant. We got her some pretty cool gifts too, things that made her laugh and want to cry at the same time. I really enjoyed myself when I was there - the company of the girls, the jokes, the food, silly photos. Of course, there were people that I did not know too well. But, I still felt relaxed and was able to be myself. I think, most of the guests there felt the same. What was interesting was, when we posted the photos, people who were not there were able to tell how much fun we all had. More interestingly, I have been trying to organise some sort of meet up for some of the girls for a while. It never ended up happening, due to life, lack of motivation etc. But the amount of fun we had was a catalyst for those to wish to have a meet up. This made me realise that, sometimes, its important to show an example of how things can be, rather than trying to logically explain. 

The reason why I want some of these girls to meet each other is because having a group of amazing individuals is usually better than having scattered amazing individuals. Sometimes, life gets to us in ways that make us buckle our knees. Yet, we feel that we cannot buckle because others are watching us stand up straight. And if we buckle, we would be letting them down. When there is a tight group of support, its easier to stand up straight together. And when someone does fall, its easier to pick her up, than when she's by herself and falls alone.

In other news, I came across this blog while browsing. There was one post that I could relate to quite well - "If you ever find yourself looking at someone and thinking, 'you care too much', don't say it to them. Instead, tell them you love them, and you're luckier than hell that they crossed path with your life." I feel like this about my mum and my sister. It makes me wonder how they can care as much as they do.  

In other, other news, I like Lisa Mitchell's lyrics. NS gave me Neopolitan Dreams a few nights ago. Its about a person who misses another person, so she describes the second person. It reminds me of a couple who needs to be separated for a little while. In the process of which, the girl starts to think that she isn't his first priority, but tells herself to accept it anyway. I liked it because this is the sentiment shared by most of the girls I have seen in relationships from time to time.

She has another song called 'Time means nothing at all'. 

Do you know that I spend my days walking the streets and lanes

Looking through window panes

And out of quaint cafes

Me and myself - we have an ongoing war

There is an ongoing love affair

Given up keeping score.

Well I hope that we find each other before I lose myself

I hope that you get to me before my own worth

Time means nothing at all

Our minds are stronger than we give them credit for.

Undated, untitled

Lipstick woven dreams
Reach the violet sky;
The sweet scent of those words
Drift in sorrow.
They drift through open windows,
Across yellowed fields.
Drift inside your sleepy eyes,
Conjuring dreams of hope -
Blue bubbles of clouds,
An adventure?
A happy ending.

New Song

I was looking through my songs and poems, and I realised, the last bit of rhyme I wrote was in May. The time before that was October. In 2010, I wrote twenty three songs/poems. I admit, they are bad poetry to some. But I have always liked it. I think I decrease certain habits when I realise that someone I care about disapproves of an aspect of it. For example, I remember stopping by 365 photos last year when someone made a comment about how mundane they are. However, poetry, tunes, photography - they are all art. And no matter how bad they are, they somehow speak out what is in the heart. So I shan't stop creating bad art! :)

This is a draft I just typed up about the newest love of my life. Guess who? Hint: It's been about 5 months.

Verse 1:

So this morning, I realised,
I haven't written in a while.
Fell out of love, and stayed out here
I tried to think of lovely words
Fairyfloss and evening birds
Looked in my heart and found you, dear.

CHORUS:

Your smile, your dimples,
Your twinkling eyes
Illegible sounds you make
They sure suffice
They let me know you love me
And dear, I love you too
I tell you nearly everyday
Hope you know its true.

Verse 2:

You're the newest person I love
And I pray to God, up above
He keeps you safe, sound and bright
So when you sleep and have bad dreams
Or your mother denies you chocolate ice-cream
You know you can always come and hug me tight.

Future

Two months ago, I decided that the root of all my problems is going to bed late. After that, I think I attempted to sleep earlier. Sum developed an amazing cycle of sleeping 10 PM to 4 AM, more or less. That ensures that she can get most of her work done in a quite environment (everyone's asleep), without distractions (no one's online), with a fresh mind after sleep and during the time of baraqah. My mum has this sleep cycle too, and she is one of the most balanced people I have seen in my entire life. And of course, in general, we always hear that successful people wake up early, rather than stay up late. So, for a while, I did attempt to follow their examples. Sum and I texted each other before going to sleep and called each other to wake ourselves up. Not exactly sure what happened along the way, except, knowing myself, I think I came up with some lame excuse one day to stay up late, and thwarted my entire cycle.

So, the problem that must be addressed is not the fact that I do not sleep on time. It is the fact that I have very little self discipline. (Although, this is one of those chickens-and-eggs things). So, after repeated attempt and trying and failing to discipline myself, and seeing the negative results sprout up in every aspect of my life, I decided to do some research. A lot of the times, I have done things intuitively and later figured they were the right decisions to make. However, with this sort of a trial-and-error method, its very easy to lose track of what works and what doesn't. So sometimes, it helps to learn from other people's experiences and knowledge.

One thing that I have done right is this - thinking about why I should do something rather than how - ie: abstract thinking vs concrete thinking. Although personally, I remember getting results when I think concretely, rather than abstractly, so, I tend to force myself to do so. However, this is probably because concrete thinking gets you forward a few steps, and you only remember those first few steps. Abstract thinking may take time to take you forward, but, it makes you last longer in your decision. I think this is what I used when I decided to change my career path two years ago.

I also found another blog that gave five steps towards self-discipline. This was written by a guy who transformed his life quite majorly in fourteen years. He was one of those (read - us) bums who sat around all day without doing anything, highlight of whose living was hanging out with friends. He had no jobs, did not study, did not clean, did not eat healthy. Basically, if predicted his lifespan from his twenty year old self, he was probably supposed to die in five years. Fourteen years later - he is now a husband and father of two children. He gets up at five every morning, exercises six days a week, eats healthy, has a company on the side and is currently writing a book to be published soon. This gave me hope!

The five 'pillars' were pretty broad and intuitive - acceptance, will-power, hard work, industry and persistence. Its the details of each that were interesting, though. Basically, he said you should start from the level in which you currently are. You cannot expect to start getting up at 5 AM every morning, if your day usually begins at 10 AM. In which case, you should aim for 9.45, maybe. He also talked about targeting one specific field, instead of every field in your life that's falling apart. 'Make overs' do not work. This is where I usually go wrong. I try to jump too many steps, then gain a huge cognitive dissonance and fall further than where I began. He also said that will-power is not something that is meant to get your through your life. It is a short burst of energy that you are supposed to use in planning and setting the scene. If the scene is set, you can continue in your endeavour even after your burst of energy mellows down. Hard work, industry, persistence - working hard, smart and consistently (ie: the hardest part!).

On a (sort of) completely different note - B&B came over two nights ago. They seem much happier and much more at ease with each other. They made me realise that in a relationship, this is what I would want - for things to work out better in the long term rather than the short. It is natural for us to think that if we 'hit it off' with someone at the first go, that we would be compatible in a relationship. Of course, it depends on what sort of a relationship you want to be in. If you are looking for short term, without too many commitments, then going forward from 'hitting it off' would be the right choice. But, if you are looking to get into a long term relationship, its important to know what is important to both of you. We have a tendency to judge others based on our own criteria. If theirs do not match ours, we tend to think there is something wrong with their concept. But, its important to realise that a relationship is very personal, and would vary from couple to couple. What should be is not always what is, and that is fine, because you can always work towards what should be with what is.

Another thing I realised, again, is how important my family is to me. I love the fact that all eight of us can sit around the breakfast table and laugh for hours about some lame joke my dad cracked. I love how we can all go googly-eyed when we talk with little Z. I love how every one of us put in our little bit of contribution in cooking, cleaning and other mundane chores. I love that each of us have a different personality, and we have began to accept and cherish our differences. I love feeling 'at home' when I'm at home. There are many things I would like to change about myself. There are many different ways I would like to move forward. But, I realised, I would rather do them while keeping my family happy. And there are wisdom and blessings in doing so.

Its hard to get by just upon a smile

The first time I heard Yusuf Islam's songs were from a CD called 'A is for Allah'. I remember a particular song from there - God is the Light. (I only remembered bits and pieces, something about birds, something about buildings, something about men. I spent the past five minutes googling every possible combination to figure out what the actual title was.) This was one of the first songs we listened to when we came to Australia, and my sister and I sang a duet of this in a local halaqah of girls. I was ten and didn't care that I couldn't sing. :P Anyway, I just thought the song sounded nice. It wasn't until much later that I read the lyrics properly and understood them. The lyrics are great, but I like the idea behind them. The fact that we miss little things around us and forget about signs that should lead us to gratitude. Only when we stop for a moment, can we truly feel the specialness.

The next song I remember is 'I Look, I See'. This is also another one of those nasheeds for kids that I loved the sound of. We started listening to them again in the car when little Z rides with us. When A put it on the other day, I listened to the lyrics carefully, and loved it! He differentiates between 'seeing', and merely 'looking'; 'feeling' and merely 'touching' and so on. Its as if, everything you do, must have a deeper connection within yourself, and must have a purpose. Teaching to live life like this to children is amazing. You are teaching them from early on that you are not living to merely fill your senses with meaningless and purposeless activities that last only in the short term.

Then, a year or two later, A bought a CD called something like 'The best of Cat Stevens'. I remember being obsessed with 'Moonshadow', then 'Wild World' for a while. I actually still love those songs. Especially, 'Wild World'. I can relate to that completely every now and then. When I was in year seven, I remember coming home and crying to my mum about something that happened at school. My mum told me something about me trusting people too much, and having an overly positive outlook on life. She still tells me that, every now and then. Over time, I realised she's right. You can never rely completely on another person. But the problem is, this realisation hits me in the head, then leaves me when things become rosy again.

One thing I'm beginning to understand, is that life isn't easy, for anyone. We might look at someone and think they have things so much easier than us, or so much better. But we can never completely understand what is going on in someone else's life, no matter how much we try. Quick fixes are easy way outs, yes, but they last a very short time. Sometimes, we try to convince ourselves that something isn't a quick fix. We rationalise it in our mind and convince ourselves that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. And there may not be any apparent wrong in it. However, quick fixes are always wrong, because of just their mere nature of being short lived.

It gets frustrating when you cannot get yourself out of a cycle. Certain things literally become addictions. And every time life throws you a lemon, instead of dealing with it as brutally as you can and making a lemonade out of it, you decide to chuck it in the corner and try your hardest to forget that it exists. But eventually, that lemon will rot, then you try harder to make yourself believe that the stench isn't there. I guess what I'm trying to say is - we run away from problems for so long that we think we can keep running forever. But one day, you will wake up as a forty year old, and realise you still haven't dealt with the problems you encountered at twenty. So, essentially, you haven't grown.

So, in order to not do that, what you do is this: identify your problems, come up with a plan to solve them, get some help and get on with it. The problem is, for some 'getting on with it' is the problem. Giving something up and sticking to it, or starting something and sticking to it, (basically, sticking to things) become the problem. And when things aren't stuck to, the cognitive dissonance that comes with it, also, then, becomes the problem.

Hmmmmm.

My parents are getting cuter with age. They are relying on each other more and more, they appreciate each other; they fight, but they know that they can't live without the other person. Lately, I have been talking to them more than I have in the past. When MR apu first proposed the idea that I discuss my future plans with them, I felt my eyebrows rise further than I thought they could. I had this notion that they are too busy and too dismissive. The irony is, I am often too busy for them, and just that notion I had tells me that I was too dismissive of them myself. So, I am talking to them a little more now. 

Surprises

I just realised how much I love surprises, again. Just the other day, a friend was talking about how my eyes lit up when he bought me coffee, a gesture that isn't too special, but I remember feeling very special. I remember getting a huge box of chocolate from SB and feeling a similar way. And I felt similar when my mum surprised me with the 7th book of Harry Potter, back in the year it came out, fresh out of her suitcase back from her visit to England. On my 12th birthday, my sister left my gifts underneath and on top of my pillow. I remember feeling very pleased to discover every bit of it - a lip gloss, a pack of gel pens, a little purple note book, a deodorant and a card. At twelve, that seemed like the best gift, ever. And when she came back from Canada with a little box of coffee. And the most recent one - a simple sentence of appreciation. No matter how ordinary something is, as long as it is unexpected, it can reduce me to tears. 

Fine line

You are wasting your time in unhappiness. Just be happy, find peace within yourself. There's a difference between being happy and getting everything you want. There is also a difference between feeling peace inside you in happiness, and feeling angry due to injustice to others. Peace comes when you let go of the injustices you feel against your own self in order to attain something greater. So, you don't need to get everything you want. You don't need to let go of fighting against injustice in the world. You just need to find that fine line called balance.

I got an email from one of my favourite girls. And this an excerpt:

"and i felt like sharing it with u =) www.youtube.com/watch?v=547B7XbTicI

but y'know how he says the people make u drown and u gotta help the other people up to survive yourself. loll now we gotta keep swimming :P"
I wanted to remember that. :)

High-ness factors

I feel awesome right now. I think I am on the height of my high-nesses. So, I felt like I should write down the reasons:

- I had a large mocha from my favourite coffee cart. For free. It was delicious.
- I have been eating healthy, and I feel like I am getting results.
- I just found a whole lot of useful resources for my essay. And I am understanding them. :D
- Regina Spektor's lyrics are very relateable, her voice and music isn't intrusive, works as perfect background sound.
- The people in my life are all reasonable happy with me.

Introspection

Things have improved greatly since my last post. Although I'm still quite sick, I have had a good amount of sleep, have eaten reasonably healthily and have been drinking a lot of water. So, physically, I feel much, much better. My emotions have also been sorted out. So, right now, I am a happy chappy little girl again. Alhamdulillah. :D

I did a MBTI questionnaire last night. In layman's term - this basically classifies you as one of sixteen types of personalities. Each type has specific traits. Although this test is a very basic one, (and there are several paid tests that you can do) it gave me some useful insights. Interestingly, I got the same result as I got 4 months ago. And as this blog testifies to a certain degree, my life has changed quite a bit over these 4 months. So, I expected to get something different, but I didn't. I also searched up my email to see whether I got different results in the past years.

In 2010, March and July - I got ENFP. This year, June, I was ISFP. Last night, I got ISFP again. Right now, I did another one and got ESFP. I know my introversion and extroversion is at a pretty similar level most of the time, so I'm not surprised at the change in E and I. And as I was discussing with a friend last night, knowing myself, swinging between N and S seems to be quite possible too. I have never really thought about it too much before. But last night, I realised, having different personality traits from the people around you cause a whole lot of clashes. Knowing your own self and knowing the traits of others can help in dealing with people. What seems frustrating at one stage becomes easier to handle, or at least, think about, when you know why something is happening. Your relationships would also become easier to handle when you learn to accept the traits of people you love. Instead of trying to change them, you would find it easier to conceptualise the idea of learning from them. Since you would know that certain things tick them off, it would be easier for you to tell yourself to learn to avoid doing those. So, friends and family who get on your nerves, but whom you love, would become much easier to deal with if you 'know' them well enough.

I found this photo yesterday on Facebook. It seemed to have articulated my thoughts on relationships quite well. My theory is: God brings you the right person at the right time. So, if the right person comes at the wrong time, things may not work out easily. Also, if the wrong person comes at the right time, things may not work out easily either. Sometimes, we get so caught up by the ways that society defines us, that we lose perspective of who we really are. So, a bengali girl who nears the age of thirty would be much more willing to 'settle' for a guy who she may not have considered before, because society is telling her the right time is passing her by. Also, two sixteen year olds, who perfectly complement each other, might be brushed off from getting into a long term relationship, by adults, because society is telling them they can't be in one.

I see relationships as being on a different timeline to professional commitments. I find the idea of 'waiting to graduate to get married' quite ridiculous. I also find the idea of choosing between being married and having a career quite ridiculous too. We are multidimensional creatures - we can handle more than one thing on our plates! We just need to find the right combination. So, you can't run away from one to the other. Ideally, each part of your life should complement the other parts. Hence, I don't like the idea of thinking of oneself as 'incomplete' until the right person comes at the right time. You are potentially as complete as you can possibly get at this particular moment. Everything in life can be a blessing and test. Thus, a relationship not necessarily would complete the 'you' that you are at this point (if you're not in one). However, at the right time, it will.

On another note - I am loving Regina Spektor. Her lyrics are very accurate in upholding an image of an idea.

This is how it works:
You're young until you're not;
You love until you don't;
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry,
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself,
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you don't.
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else's heart,
Pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm,
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again.

Eet

My body is in one of those haywire moments. I am stuffed with caffeine, milk and a few spoons of honey, along with a whole lot of junk food from yesterday. I have a headache, a runny nose, sore throat, stomach ache and some muscle pains. Lack of sleep for the past hours, plus the next few hours will probably lead to a complete collapse sometime soon. I have also gone through several epiphanies and a mixture of emotions for the past five days, leading to further haywiring of myself. So, if I were you, I'd stay away from me for a while. People like me can end up with a permanent head damage long before PhD is even dreamed of.

I wish quick fixes lasted longer.