I lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me

My body clock has officially flipped. At 2 AM, I am feeling buzzed enough to get some paperwork done while sipping on some mild caffeine and listening to acapella multitracks of Lauren King. I wish there was some good humming multitracks on Youtube - they could have gathered a million views from my clicks alone. Hopefully it will flip back tomorrow (today), because I have a packed schedule that I am hoping I can keep up with, so by the time its 11 pm, I should be dead enough to crave my bed. Anyway, so, I spent one of the laziest day of my life today (yesterday). I just lay in bed all day and watched Friends, occasionally getting up to get food. The problem with this was - I set up my life so that I cannot afford to have too many lazy days. I already had to push back one commitment, and get rid of another, simply because I felt like spending the day watching Friends and eating. Although this works fine for a while, it eventually gets annoying. And you feel like its not worth it, you would rather get up and get some work done. The moral of the story is - signing up for a balanced load of commitments is good for you. :)

I think I am finally working out the secret of having balanced emotions. I am the sort of person whose emotions naturally go haywire. I need a box of tissues to watch romantic comedies and I feel ecstatic when I can see the colours of the rain, so you can imagine what I would be like when actual emotional events take place. This can get slightly annoying (I know, because I get annoyed by other people who are a lot more emotional than I am). But, I am really grateful for my emotions, because, as cliched as it sounds, they do bring colour to my life. The only trick is to use them optimally, which can be done by creating a balance. If you are an emotional person, its quite harmful to just attempt to suppress it all the time and hide behind a mask. It is equally harmful to express every single emotion every single time to every single person in every situation. What you need to do is identify some people that you can share things with. It doesn't have to be one of two people - it can be a whole group of people, with each of whom you share different parts of your life. Then, there are some things that are better unsaid to people, and you share those with Allah, and you make dua for directions, or strength, or whatever else it is you need. The tricky part is to decide which ones are better kept only between you and Allah and which ones are better to be shared. I am yet to figure that out in detail.

The important thing to remember is to choose the levels of people in your life very carefully. I have made the mistake of letting in a wrong person way too many times, as have most other people. But I guess we just have to keep at it, and consciously realise that there are some people that are plain harmful for us that need we need to stop letting in after a certain point. For example, if you know that one of your friends has a problem with backstabbing, don't tell her things that you don't want others to know, even if you are feeling very vulnerable and feel like that person is the only person who will be able to support you, because, frankly, they are not. But that doesn't mean that you completely push them away. You tell them things that are okay to be public, and you never, ever backstab. Because, if they are talking about someone else with you, they will do the same to about you. I learnt this valuable lesson in my final year of high school, when certain information were randomly flying around from mouth to mouth in ways that I had no idea about. This eventually led to huge fractures in the relationship between a few people, who I had eventually lost contact with. Which is a shame, because at one point, I really did feel like we were very good friends. Moral of the story is, create a balance before you realise that its too late to straighten the tilt.

Our lives are so very different. Yet, at the end of the day, we are all sitting the same test - whether we can survive in it until the end. The details of my test would be different to the details of yours, because the things that I struggle with are not going to be the exact things that you struggle with. But, the main thing is to keep holding on. During difficult times, to realise that it is indeed difficult and seek Allah's help, because, without Him, no one can pull you out. During times of ease, to realise that it came from Him, to thank Him, and thank Him more for giving you the ability to remember Him. We need to realise that its okay that we have failed in the past, because it is our thoughts and actions that follow the failure that matters.

Wake up Sid

I just watched a really cute movie called 'Wake Up Sid'. Its about a spoilt, useless, yet talented, boy who grows up to be a man after he meets a girl. The story seems (and probably is) incredibly clichéd, but I am a sucker for romantic comedies most days, so predictably, it made me tear up like a teenage girl. The part that I loved the most was that they both helped each other grow a little bit, each day. They began as very different people, yet, they brought out the best in each other. Isn't that what all relationship should be about - bringing out the best in each other?

I think, when you don't have anyone in sight that you would like to be in a long term relationship with, you construe an ideal, 'perfect' image in your head, inspired by the various -woods, novels, public faces of others' relationships mixed in with what you believe what you need in order to be 'happy'. But when you fall for someone, the perfect list goes out the window. The trick is to realise that there are more than one person that you have a chance of being compatible with, and you will most definitely have problems with all of them. However, you need to figure out what problems are worth putting up with.

When blessings shower...

I walked home in the pouring rain with my beloved red umbrella (yes, its been two years, but I still love it!) and all I could think of was - I wish I could capture these moments with all of my senses. Time seemed to slow beneath those white and yellow street lights that lit up under the overcast sky. Raindrops lit up one by one, glittered for a while, then fell upon the earth ever so softly. Their heavy melody upon metal rooftops blocked out the unpleasant noises of reality; the smell of fresh, softened earth made my heart beat a little faster. I looked at all those staring at the rain, some with a blank expression, some exasperated from the inconvenience after a long day at work. And I wondered why they could not feel the beauty that I felt. And I felt grateful for being able to feel the beauty. And, even though, by the time I came home, most of my clothes were drenched, and even though, the walk home seemed much longer than the usual five minutes, and even though, I was worried whether my laptop is protected enough - the walk was one of the most content, beautiful walks I have ever walked.

Yahya Ibrahim

Last weekend, I went to yet another Alkauthar course that changed me a little bit. It was taught by sheikh Yahya Ibrahim - one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. His ability to balance himself perfectly in every aspect, ability to prioritise things that matter, people that matter is truly admirable.  It is very easy to tilt that balance as one's roles expand in the external world. His commitments are quite a few, as it can be seen in this excerpts from a short biography - "Since arriving in Australia, he was a religious adviser, and later a Deputy Principal of the largest Islamic school in Australia. Presently, Yahya is attached to Curtin University as an Islamic Chaplain. He is also a director of a retail company that has grown to 13 Halal food outlets based in shopping centres around Pert and soon, inshaallah, expanding nationally and internationally."

I know how busy chaplaincy can get because I have seen MJ, the chaplain at our uni, work for the past two years. He is either signing papers, or arranging finance for an event, or calling up important people, or fixing up the light in the udhu area, or arranging a musallah clean up, or solving people's problems when he isn't lecturing or tutoring his students. He is a happy fellow, but I have always wondered how he keeps his cool. It should be a full-time job alone to be a chaplain. On top of that, being a DIRECTOR of a company - which is most definitely a full-time job alone too - is incredible. In his lectures, he often mentions that he also conducts youth and marriage counselling. He flies to different continents to inspire others. And, as he keeps telling us, the most important people in his life will always be the most important people.

At this stage, I can only aspire and make dua to be like him one day. Compared to him, my commitments are very little, yet, I find it very hard to keep my home life balanced as my external world grows. (And, what's worse is that by 'home life' - I mean 'life of the youngest child', not 'married with two kids'.) However, what I found is, the best, most balanced days come when I feel close to Allah and simply make dua. Dua to keep my parents happy, dua to make my teaching sessions productive, dua to make a wonderful meal, dua to get the best out of a lecture. Its amazing, how, to others, 'dua' would seem like just some spoken words. But its so much more than that to a believer! Its truly a 'weapon' to us. 

Struggling to Surrender

I am currently reading Struggling to Surrender by Jeffrey Lang, an associate professor in the Department of Mathematics and University of Kansas. It is a personal account about the journey and thoughts of a born and raised Catholic turned Atheist turned Muslim. The subtitle of the book is 'some impressions of an American convert to Islam' - even though I am not a 'convert' (nor am I American :P), I am finding that I can relate to a lot of his thoughts and questions, whether it came from myself or others. I am not very far into the book, but I'm finding his points of views interesting because he has so many different backgrounds - rigidly religious, atheism, loving family, mathematics - and all of these impact on the way he views Islam and vice versa. He is very eloquent in his writing - I remember myself being captivated with emotions in a train carriage filled with people as I read through the first chapter - the chapter of how he came to Islam. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to have their brain picked AND emotional roller-coaster rides.

"How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him."

Appreciating Different Perspectives

Most of the problems between people result from the fact that they are not willing to listen to and consider anyone else's points of views except for their own. Everyone thinks that their way is the best way to go about things (otherwise they wouldn't do so of course!), and most of the times, people dismiss any other ideas that come their way. Yes, we are moving towards a global society where people are agreeing to disagree, but even then, there is an element of a feeling of superiority in one's own opinion. If we just stopped, and honestly listened to others, maybe we would see something that we didn't notice before. Instead of just 'tolerating', we would move towards 'understanding'.

I only realised that this year, I suppose. My usual approach is that if someone threatens my lifestyle, I tend to move away from them. But right now, I am trying to make use of all the perspectives I have been blessed with. I have a certain level of understanding of Islam, and I am trying to improve it. I have friends from different religious backgrounds, whose beliefs I used to dismiss in the past. But, lately, I am finding it interesting to just 'observe' how people's perspectives are shaped due to their religious beliefs. I haven't had too many atheist friends until this year, but now that I do, I am finding it interesting to observe theirs too. However, those friends are all from my neuroscience class, so their points of views are mostly only shaped by science. But, even within them, there are people that come from different cultural and family backgrounds, and its interesting to see the way those factors shape them. I am also starting to notice how people's perspectives change due to their career path. The people that I know that are studying in Social Sciences care much more about others than my friends from Science, who are mostly concerned about themselves and sort of live by 'survival of the fittest'. My lawyer friends always feel the need of arguing their case. People studying in economics/business never seem to enjoy spending money on experiences - and they are very, very careful about the way they spend it. 

I guess this approach does have its flaws. Its hard to know where to draw the line of 'understanding' and 'being influenced' by these thoughts. And of course, there are points of views that you would come across that are contradictory, so, automatically, you would make a judgement between them. And with all these, there's also the question of how to be assertive enough so that you can still hold ground to what you believe in (unless you're reconsidering) and be respectful. This, I think, brings out one wisdom of praying five times a day. When you make it compulsory for yourself to talk to God - the highest power without whom not a single leaf can move, the One that holds all power and at the same time is the most wise, knows you better than you know yourself, is the most merciful yet the perfect judge - it becomes easier for you to remember why you do the things you do. It provides an impetus for you to keep going, look at the big picture instead of getting confused by the details.

Also, studying in an all girls school my whole life (except for three years - kindergarten (when cooties were still real), year 5 & 6 (the giggly age)), I was never really exposed to guys. But now that I am, its also interesting to see their point of views and how its very, very different to the way that females think. For example, one of the guys was talking about how he sees women - the fact that even a very good friend can evoke sexual responses when she wears tight clothes. Exposed skin and visible figures immediately makes men think about sex. I read this article the other day, that said that its found that 'looking at images of women's bodies activates the part of men's brains associated with using power tools'. And I suppose the degree of exposure and the resulting stimulation varies across cultural backgrounds, depending on how much you are constantly exposed. But the bottom line is, men are truly less in control of their bodily responses. It would be interesting to see a study done on women though. However, I think women are generally more attracted to the way a person talks, and the way they use their words. This has only been a personal observation for a very long time. But I recently found out (from a little bit of Wiki research :P) that females have larger Wernicke's area and Brocka's area, which are the areas in the brain that allows you to form words and sentences coherently, comprehend them and other things associated with language. We also have larger auditory regions. Males have a larger area in the parietal lobe that visual and spatial information. So, we are wired to be more attracted to words and voices, while men are wired to be more attracted to physique. So, when people ask why Islam asks women to cover more parts of their body while it does not ask the same from men, they ask a stupid question. :P Of course, these findings were not possible to be discovered before neuroimaging began. The first method of neuroimaging was introduced in 1919, but it was a really dangerous process and didn't really provide much information. MRIs and CT scans only came in 1970s and 80s, which then made these observations possible. This really made me appreciate my hijab a little bit more than I have in the past. Its something that covers both exposed skin and conceals figure - the two things that set of the biological alarm in men. Of course, its not a one way street. Islam also prescribes men to lower their gaze and cover a certain extent in their body. And all the while, for both parties to know that God is fully aware of what they do and think at all times.

Of course there are instructions and suggestions throughout the Qur'an and Hadith that were scientifically proven to be beneficial. A quick google search of Qur'an and Science will tell you so. However, the purpose of the Quran is not to 'empirically' prove that God exists, the purpose of the Qur'an is to tell us of signs of God. It is more of a correlation proof rather than a causal proof. But when I come across things like this, it just reminds me more of the truth of the verses that tell us: "It may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know." (2:216) 

Intellect

The more people I meet, the more I learn to take a holistic point of view to life. When I first started becoming interested in Islam (although I was raised by religious parents, my religion didn't always interest me), I used to wonder why others don't see what I see. I used to think, if this is really the truth, why isn't it reaching all those people who definitely have intellect and goodness? After all, the Qur'an constant keeps saying that the signs of Allah are for those who have intellect (e.g.: 38:29). What does that mean? Does that mean that people who are very high achievers in our society are not of 'intellect'? Or does that mean that some parts of the Qur'an cannot be taken as the truth?

With more people I meet, and the more parts of Qur'an I read, I realise that it is not just dependent on a person's intellect to find the truth. It depends greatly on if they are seeking the truth, and seeking it from the right source. In order to do so, one must completely leave arrogance. Arrogance clouds one's judgement from accepting the fact that it is possible for a deity to exist without whom nothing can function. And Allah does not guide the arrogant (7:146). Also, one must be completely honest with oneself. And most importantly - one must recognise that there is a truth to be sought, then, ask to be guided to the truth. And Allah is Just - He gives everyone a chance at least once in their lifetime to turn to Him. He tests everyone. Although the tests occur in different forms, in the end, we are all tested according to our abilities and rewarded according to how we react.

The two types of intellectuals who I have come across who I thought had great potentials to lead a life of Islam, yet, did not choose it so far, were - those with arrogance, and those who simply were not looking for it. This is what I failed to recognise when I used to be frustrated with the people who just don't see Islam the way I do. This frustration occurred because I kept forgetting that my job is not to guide - my job is just to let people know in the best way I can (88:21-26). I don't have the power to change hearts - only God can do that. And He will do so when the person who's heart needs to be changed wants the change (13:11).

The other thing that people do when they are constantly thinking about such people is that they greatly reduce their own productivity. They invest a lot of energy and time on one person, when a few others could have benefited much better with equal or less effort. For example, I know for myself that I spent a lot of time just 'talking' about Islam to these people, sometimes losing sleep, time for study etc. I tend to lose balance, and once that balance is lost, every other commitment in my life is affected. In the end, the talking comes to nothing much (in my eyes), and the consequences of the loss of balance amounts to a whole lot of extra work. And often, I lose sight of the purpose of such talks altogether. I would be so consumed by trying to reason things that I would subconsciously think about it even in my prayers.

And when I thought about it, Allah talks about this in the Quran too - in an incident where the prophet paid more attention in trying to give Islam to the elite in the society than a blind man. "The Prophet frowned and turned away. Because there came to him the blind man, (interrupting). But what would make you perceive (Oh Muhammad), that perhaps he might be purified. Or be reminded and the remembrance would benefit him? As for he who thinks himself without need, to him you give attention. And not upon you (is any blame) if he will not be purified. But as for you who came to you striving (for knowledge), while he fears (Allah), from him you are distracted. No! Indeed, these verses are a reminder, so whoever wills may remember it." (80: 1-12). I think once the Qur'an is read with the intention of using it as your guidance, it really does provide it.

I think, we need to learn to recognise the end of a productive discussion. When an attempt to convince someone of something has a negative effect on more important things, such as helping someone else who can benefit from you, or your own personal worship, it crosses the point of being 'productive'. This is where we need to remember hadiths such as: "Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he is in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise." (Tirmidhi)


But then, this brings up the problem of being passive. How do you draw the line between being passive and stepping away from an argument for the sake of Allah? How can you be healthy and assertive, but at the same time, get to that highest level of Paradise?

I tend to find that I have a lot of passive aggression in my behaviour. Basically - when I get really angry, or I feel that something is unfair, I tend not to say anything right then and there, but burst sometime soon. I think I am getting better at controlling these though. I realised it happens because my thoughts close up - I just cannot respond at all. When I do start talking, I start stuttering really badly, and that just makes me delve deeper into my passive aggressiveness. I think this generally happens to anyone who is a little shy by nature. However, I am consciously trying to get out it. Every time such a situation comes up, I try to think up of reasons of why I am feeling such a way - then try to 'talk' instead of shout. Always works better. :)

When the talking meets a dead end, that's when you realise that it is turning into an 'argument' that cannot be solved at this point in time. That is when you smile and say, 'maybe you're right', and walk away. Still trying to master this skill.

Lately, I am finding that certain people are placing more value in what I have to say because I am studying Psychology. I do find it amusing, although I must say its not entirely wrong to do so. Studying Psychology taught me about people's interactions a little bit more. I actually do find myself observing others a lot more than I used to, and enjoying it. There is a strand of Psychology called Neuropsychology - which deals with working with neuroimaging in people with mental disorders. In plain terms - neuropsychologists figure out if something is wrong with a person's brain - which is then taken to doctors to solve. This is currently interesting me. But then, there are so many things that are currently interesting me. Life is good. :)

We are not the flowers, we're the strangling weeds in the meadow

"I wonder what I'd do if I could wake up every morning with a clean slate
I'd burn through the cities and tear through the towns because there's no deals to make
So break out of the cages, the delicate structures we cling to all our lives
Because we are just the monkeys who fell out of the trees
When we were trying to fly"

There's a reason why the song keeps saying 'pretend' that you're alone now. Because, there's no way that you can truly escape. You can only pretend to escape.

Caterpiller

A was in a different continent for the past three months for her PhD work. In these three months, I talked to her online and on the phone on several occasions, but obviously, only about things that are going on in the surface of our lives. At times, I really missed just going to her room randomly and talking about anything and everything. The thing is, over the years, I have learnt to rely on her so heavily that when she isn't here, I feel kind of lost. We shared a room until I was nineteen. I talked to her about anything and everything for my whole life. I am so used to having my problems solved by her that I struggle to be myself when she isn't there to shadow me. (Just read that sentence again - I sound like the psychopaths I hope to treat one day... :S). I guess what I am trying to say is that my sister is the most special person in my life. I hope Allah rewards her with Jannah for always being there with me. :)

One of my friends from my high school's group of eight is engaged. That makes two of them now; and MP is quite settled with BC by now. That leaves five of us to our singlehood - yet to be scooped away by our princes. I remember when we used to discuss such silliness in high school (and come to think of it, I still discuss such silliness!) - we decided that twenty three is the perfect age for marriage. We also decided that MP will be the first to get a boyfriend (which did come true!). I am pretty sure there were several other things that we decided upon, I just can't remember them. Should've written them down. Its been four years since we were all together in the playground, dreaming our lives away. Its funny - I still feel like I am stuck in my head, in my dreams. It would be interesting (or maybe depressing...) to see how our lives turn out in 5-6 years.

Our princes - funny how every girl wants princes, even though they may not be princesses. I heard a quote once - "If you want a Muhammad, be a Khadija". I am sure this goes for guys as well. Then we grow up and we realise that Romeo and Juliet was just a story. And that reality will probably eventually look something like this: 

But until reality really arrives at our doorsteps, we continue to fill our lives with objects from our dreams.

Tomorrow is Green Scarf Day at UNSW to raise funds for Somalia. The idea is - we turn up in green hijabs (or scarves), bake/buy and donate green food, sell them, buy them, laugh, eat, bond etc - and donate all $$ raised to a specific cause. Its quite a lot of fun, except, I am not going to be there at the stall tomorrow (except to probably buy some fat cells). I told myself I shall study in the library. Its been a while since I wholeheartedly involved myself in something completely unselfish. I think, what selfishness does is - it shrinks your heart. Your heart gets used to only leaving room for yourself, and no more. So, when you try to fit another in there, it becomes hard to handle. But, when you keep trying, and you keep doing things for others, it slowly becomes easy. This is what I have to try to return to when my exams finish (in 3 weeks!).

I just read about one of the best times of my life. I really hope to return to that version (or a better one) of myself some time soon.

Fear of dreaming

Wrote this a few months ago, with a tune! :)

Every time she lets herself dream,
The dream becomes a wondering thought.
She tells herself over and over again
Not to try to reach high, 'cause its a long shot.
There's a huge, huge chance she'll fall,
Shatter into pieces and crawl
back into her cocoon of tears,
Strengthening those unsaid fears.

They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings;
Are they ever true
Do they have a clue
of how it goes when times get blue.

'Cause every time the dream is a thought,
It wonders to the edge of her mind.
Starts believing it has wings, while it doesn't,
Leaps in a faith too blind,
And in the huge, dark hole - it drops,
Before it has a chance to stop,
Hits the cold hard ground of reality.


They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings;
Are they ever sure
Or just a guess too poor
Attempting to break down closed doors?

They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings
Just to make you dream
Just to make it seem
like its not an illusion.

Somewhat nerdy?

Yes, its 2.03 AM, and I really should be studying... instead, I just wrote a lame rhyme. Hope I get to use this on someone someday! xD

When I look at you,
My sympathetic system makes me feel pathetic.
Raising heart rate
Making pupils dilate
It gives me away,
And I look for words that I should say
That won't make you notice
That you make me release
A whole bunch of stuff like dopamine.

When I hear your voice
I have no choice
But to undergo some PVCs,
I try to look busy
But you make me feel dizzy
Like I'd forget my ABCs.
It gives me away,
And I look for words that I should say
That won't make you notice
That you make me release
A whole bunch of stuff like dopamine.

Currently favourite

So, Lately.

After reading an excerpt from 'The Little Prince' in someone's status, I decided to begin reading it myself. I am up to chapter seven and I think it has already began to become one of my favourite books. However, I do fear I am becoming like one of those adults the main character keeps referring to. It seems like I just don't have enough time to do anything any more, yet my to-do list seems to grow anyway. And even though I create lists and maintain a diary, I always seem to forget certain things that come back to me in the most inconvenient of times. The perks of growing old. :/

When I had the time to spend the day just watching clouds, or curl up in my bed while reading and munching on a green apple with salt and red pepper, I really looked up to the people whose lives were constantly busy doing things that are worthwhile. And don't get me wrong - I still do look up to those. But, now that I got my own self doing things that are supposedly worthwhile, I often feel myself burning out. Now I know why both workaholics and people who take life way too easily are ridiculed. Neither life is actually awesome. What would be absolutely awesome is the balance between the two (and hence, I realise, the wisdom of the importance of balance in Islam). I even have the perfect plan to balance things out. I just have not implemented it yet!

I went to an Eid fair this year and went on four rides, all of which I thoroughly loved and hated. They took me to one of those epiphanies: I am extremely fearful of heights. However, they also gave me hope. I almost had a phobia of deep water when I was young. I would cry when anyone tried to teach me swimming in my grandma's pond, or when we got on boats to go to my dad's village. This used to happen at least once or twice a year. But, somehow, possibly through repeated exposure to water, I got over it. I am even starting swimming from Friday inshaallah! Even though I don't know how to swim, I am  hoping to teach myself.  So yes, there is hope, because, with repeated exposures to scary rides, I might one day be ready to climb the Harbour Bridge, bungy jump and sky dive. Probably in that order. :)

So, as I sit and write this at a train station, a couple of high school kids begin to show PDA in the bench next to mine. I usually have no idea how to react to the slightest forms of PDAs, such as an exchange of loving glance. I usually just begin to feel like the third wheel. But that said, it doesn't mean I don't find such glances cute. And I also think I would feel very restricted if I felt like I was inconveniencing others when I one day feel like some PDA-ing. Yet, it is highly uncomfortable. Also, where do you draw the line of what's appropriate? Every one and every place has different standards - but I think, once you begin to love someone, and you are with them, you often feel like you two are the only two people in the entire world. Which, of course, makes things harder for those around you, because you begin to deny the existence of those that exist.

Talking about existence reminds me of BDR. He is one of the very different people I met in neuroscience this year. As CJ would say, 'in our own worlds, we would never have crossed paths'. He is tall, blonde and blue eyed, and comes from the 'bible belt' of Australia. His whole name is very typical. Basically, outwardly, he has no trace of anything that will make one think he's any different to any other person you see in one of those Australian TV shows. However, the more I got to know him, the more I realised that there are many different levels that a person can connect to with another. The conversations that I enjoy the most with him are arguments about 'existence', it seems. The reason why I love talking to him is that he listens. A lot of people think that they listen, but they never do. They just want to re-confirm what they think is true. I hate that, possibly because, I know that I do that sometimes. However, I am trying hard to grow out of it. And the more I try to get rid of it, the more I feel the importance of listening. Yes, life may become a little harder because your ego has been hurt. But that’s how people change. And if people were never meant to change in the world, Allah would have created us as grown ups with perfection. :)

The other people that I met are: XNH (A talented singer - I am thinking of asking if she wants to sing my songs - who comes from a very multicultural family.), another person whose initials I cannot remember, BLB (who constant swears, then says sorry. 'Dude's everyone, complains about life, smokes, but is an extremely amusing person. I already enjoy being around her while doing the neuroscience group assignment, but also I think I would truly enjoy her company once I get to know her a little better), NP (whose name sounds an awfully lot similar to Nicholas Sparks. He lives away from his family, and when I asked him how his uni break was, one of the things he lovingly mentioned was 'food that someone else cooks for you'. And I realised, yet again, why I love that I live at 'home'.).

Several things have made me appreciate the fact that my 'home' is in fact the house that I live in. NR sent me her HSC story to mark a long time ago. But it was only yesterday that I got a chance (and remembered) to go through it. The idea of it was to portray how 'we' sometimes feel like we don’t belong anywhere. But, I figured, it does not necessarily apply to me. My parents have left their home in BD when they came here, and I am not sure if they will ever completely think of their lavish house as a 'home'. That is not where they spent most of their life, built their life, figured out what they want to do with their lives. Its something that they built out of a lot of hard work, love and effort, yes, but does that define what 'home' is?  Whereas - me - my home has my family, my adolescence in cardboard boxes that I can take out and reminisce about every now and then, my space, the beginning of my career, the dreams of building a life, protection, love, support in every single way. Its all in the same country, same city - under one roof. How many people around the world can say that about themselves?

I still do think I want to travel. But I have also began to realise how important my family is to me, and how much I don't ever want to live too long too far from home.

PS: The birth anniversary of two of my beautiful best friends just passed yesterday. I hope they always remain beautiful in my eyes, and best friends in my heart. 

When walking forward is the only option

Once again, I am at the doorstep of a difficult week ahead of me. Once again, I feel like I have too much on my plates and not enough time to digest it all. I have several exams, one quiz and one report due next week. Ramadan is nearly at its end, and, I have felt increasingly annoyed at myself for not using this time to its fullest. A certain issue has prodded my mind for the past few weeks, until I finally cleared it up, but its effects have not worn out yet. My responsibilities and lack of being responsible is making me very tired.

However, I am also getting to know myself in these days. Today, I made a list of the things I know about myself. What prompted me was the conversation with CJ yesterday. I have been failingly trying to get him to start a blog because everything he says is quite quote worthy. For example, one of his recurring themes is about learning from every single experience and mistake. Which I totally agree to, in theory, however, I actually have not seen anyone, from close, cling to their values more than this person (apart from probably FG - the best friend that we both share). So, its always an inspiration to actually think about the things he says. One of things he said was, from my blog, two things about me was very clear - insecurity and peace. Two very different things, so of course, they have been recurring in my life in different times. And, it took me seconds to figure out, the times that I feel 'peaceful' - are the times I feel close to Allah.

When I feel close to Allah, I can let go of all worries, because I know He knows what will happen to me in the future. I know He is my Creator, so He knows what is good for me. If studying Psychology and Neuroscience has taught me anything, it is to appreciate Allah's creation and power more and more everyday. So many things are happening simultaneously, and without a care about anything else in the world. The sun rises while millions of birds fly out while even more ants start to crawl while grass grows while children smile while the world revolves while its night on the other side of the world while thousands of people cry to their Creator out of gratefulness or frustration. While I type, as soon as my fingers touch the letters, it sends the message to my brain via several chemical reactions, which then sends a message back, 'permitting' the touch. And the same thing happens as I press on a key, and pull my finger up. At the same time, millions of neurons are firing away thoughts in my head. While my digestive system takes care of the iftaar and my nose, lungs and heart and several other parts of my body allows me to breathe. ALL happening simultaneously, every single moment. And ALL of it is in control of Allah. Externally, internally, physically and emotionally - we are completely reliant on our Creator.

There have come so many moments in my life when I thought something was not possible, but Allah made it possible. Nation wide poetry prize in year 6, School Certificate, LJM's change - are only a few that I can immediately think of. This makes sense in my head, but I'm not sure if it does in anyone else's. Even my family thinks a lot of these are just coincidences. But, I have realised, it is all part of the plan of life. Part of my reasons to be grateful. That one step towards Jannah.

I am hoping I would return to the state of 'peacefulness' sometime soon and not leave any time soon.  I am trying to be a bit more truthful to myself and Allah, and I am hoping it works better than all other pseudo comforts.

Also - if you have come this far and not dropped off the face of the Earth while listening to my rant, and if you have Facebook, please 'like' this page. It is for a website that brings info about current fundraising activities in Sydney, under one roof. If you think you should not 'like' it because you don't live here, or you aren't Muslim, think again. If the world is helped because of one click, why not? :)

Another pointless poetry

Every time she lets herself dream

The dream becomes a wandering thought

It wanders to the edge of her mind

And often, out of carelessness,

While her mind rocks in uncertainties,

The dream falls.

Then, over and over again,

They fall.

The fallen dreams become sharp pieces of caution.

Shattered, they cut into the soft flesh

of what her heart used to be.

Because we haven't 'talked' in a while

Once again, I have privatised this blog for only a handful of you (six, to be exact). The reason is that I have realised (once again) that my public sphere is getting larger, so, if somehow, one of my employers, or students, or someone who does not know as much about my personal life as you guys do, finds this blog, I will be in for either a huge trouble or an embarrassment. I have realised that my writing style changes as my audience change. So, currently, I am using this platform just to inform you about what goes on in my life - plainly and simply. :) Although you are amongst my closest people, we have not been talking as much. (Due to you being out of the country/married/dipped in exams/timetables that don't match mine).

So, here's what's happening:
- Ramadan starts tomorrow inshaAllah!! (I truly hope this year it will be one of those life changing experiences. I think I am starting to figure out who I am/what I like and dislike, which, I am hoping, would eventually tell me what I am supposed to do with my life. I am also hoping it would help to break a few bad habits that I have been struggling to break for a very long time. Please keep me in your prayers.)
- I have a pimple on the left side of my nose. I can't remember ever having a pimple there.
- For the last few months, my phone was often out-of-charge because the charging socket broke. I didn't get it fixed until last friday due to my excessive stinginess and lack of time. So, now, it is charging peacefully on my blanket once again! No more running to A/SB/B2 and changing batteries inshaAllah! This experience reminded me that we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it. As soon as I saw those bars of charge moving again, it made me smile and thank Allah. It was my first phone that wasn't a hand-me-down and the one I have had since university started. Even though its a nokia E63, something that most people's parents have, I feel too comfortable with it to let it go any time soon!
- It has been about a month since A&SB left the country. I love the descriptions of their little temporary family, I'm not missing them too much though - possibly because I always see A/SB in gtalk, hear what they are up to and know that they will be back soon inshaAllah. I have taken over their room for studying yesterday, and must say, it does have a magical effect! I am planning to make regular trips now. :P
- I started studying. Smru - we should start out friday afternoon thing as planned.
- I finally loaded the washing machine with all the clothes that have been piling up in my room. It got to a point where I now have no clothes to wear outside the house. This is what happens when ma doesn't chase me for something. *sigh*
- My caffeine tolerance decreased. I used to be extra sensitive to large cappuccinos - my heart would race, hands would shake, thoughts would rush and I would enter into a world of hyperness. I got a small last thursday, and I experienced similar effects. My mother would be pleased to know.
- I slept for about 10 hours last night, and I feel refreshed! Don't think I have had such a long sleep in a while... (in 2 weeks. :P).
- Just realised its 8.18 AM and I have gotten nothing that I was supposed to do done.

Chemistry

Just remembered how much I used to love this song. Kimya Dawson makes me sigh and smile.



"My heart is on my sleeve my head is in the sand
i said how did we end up here? you said happenstance
but i didn't understand so i made other plans
i ran to the ocean washed the blood off of my hands
i washed away my tears washed away ten years
washed away the empty space in-between my ears
and you said all that i mean is that you and me
didn't meet because of fate but rather probability
and you said the truth's like corn and lies are like weeds
you said the schroedinger equation collapsed perfectly
and i said mercy me be patient please
'cause i don't know a goddam thing about the birds and the bees
i just know what i'm like and i'm like what i see
even though it's hard to see because you just blinded me
and if there's one thing i learned in chemistry
it's that the gain of electrons is reduction, obviously
but you can't see electrons without machines
and you can't tell from my inflection if i'm being mean
and i don't know if i can take you seriously
sometimes elections depend on the absentees."

:)

Happy List

Chocolate with nuts
Witty romantic comedies, preferably with unexpected turns
Late night dreams
Silly thoughts
Random smiles from people I don't know
Apuni
Double blanket
Tiny pillow
Little whiteboard
Red things
Rain on a lazy day
Clouds
Coral tree in front of my window
Sunset
Camera
Editing photos
Pranks
Making lists
Ocean
Ice cream
Babies
New ideas
Experimenting with myself
MX
Good/neutral changes
Good/neutral surprises

To be continued...

The Way I Are

Lately, things that I have been saying to people have not been making sense to them. I mean, the words make perfect sense while they are in my head, they even make sense as I speak, however, something happens along the way, and they are completely misinterpreted. I would very much like to say that it is the rest of the world that is at fault, but I think the more plausible explanation is that my brain can't read my mind. (Did that make sense?)

The more my days pass, the more I am realising that I am probably spending the best days of my life right now. Everyone has their own lives at home now, so they are mostly keeping out of my territory. But they have not stopped caring, so I am not feeling love deprived. I am not too young to understand some of the world, not too old to be cynical about everything I understand or fail to. I am experimenting with various parts of my life (appearance, degree, career, living space etc) without facing too big of consequences. I have enough money to live comfortably - not too much to waste in vain and not less enough to suffocate in restriction of freedom. (alhamdulillah x infinity!)

I rearranged my room today. I also have a different bed. I finally have a mattress - I slept on a foam for nine and a half years; way too long for my back to stay sane. I also have a duck wheatbag that I am too lazy to heat up. Instead, I am continuing to sleep with two thick blankets. My room looks new and awesome :D. (even though it hasn't been cleaned yet...).

I realised I am crying much less than I used to. Worrying, because, sometimes, tears are good. My tear gland seems to be non-existent nowadays. Like, A is still my absolute best friend, and she understands me the most, in fact, she might even know me better than I know myself. She still giggled with me when I showed her a certain message, advised me when I asked her about something I never thought I would ask anyone, hugged me when I needed it. But, when she was leaving, I did not shed a tear. Not one drop. How is that possible?

P.S: The photo is the 16th photo from my 365 project. I am amazed that I have kept it up for two weeks and two days.

Latest realisations

1. The worst thing about psychologists is that they cannot help their patients UNTIL they decides to cooperate too. Which is perfectly fine, because, the mere fact that patients agree to go to the psychologist by paying money is an indication that either they are willing to cooperate, or they have a lot of cash to get rid of. Either way, the psychologist has something to gain. That is why, free and self-initiated help is an absolute waste of time (unless your intention is to please God). 

2. I should learn to say 'no'. Once said properly, times that follow are not so bad. But, just the courage that must be plucked up in order to say no to something that must be said no to is extremely hard to gather.

3. Detaching yourself from emotions to a certain degree is vital to survival.

4. People who take jokes to heart are so annoying! They make you feel uncomfortable and regretful. When this characteristic is combined with self-righteousness, what results is a mixture of unbearable irritation.

5. Life is actually full of possibilities.

The years start coming, and they don't stop coming

'Somebody once asked
Could I spare some change for gas -
I need to get myself away from this place.
I said, yep! What a concept!
I could use a little fuel myself.
We could all use a little change.'

Great opportunity!

Double your impact on world hunger. ONLY UNTIL MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!! DON'T MISS THIS!

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Epiphany

I love the ability to leave and return to people when I want to. Although I still live with my family, I have my own room which is a pretty safe place to retreat to if I feel like being by myself. And living in the age of internet and phone, I can easily reach/turn off the outside world. I hate to have people in my face, all the time. 

Hope

You can only feel the impact of depression once you know someone who is going through it. The only way that you can understand it better is if you go through it yourself. But, as an outsider, there is no better way to learn than to watch.

And when you do, you realise that it is one of the most horrible things that could ever happen to a person. To lose hope, is to lose it all.

Nanu

God knows how long its been since I talked to Nanu. She was saying how she took out my old poems and read them, and that she was thinking about me. I have only gotten to know her a little better at the beginning of this year. I never bothered to find out what an amazing person she is. I never knew about her interests, life before she became a grandmother. I had only started to get to know her.

And when she got off the phone, she said, who should hang up first? Me or you? She didn't want to hang up.

I miss her, I love her so much!

22nd June - Day 3

I opened up an account with 365project.org a long time ago (February 24, 2011 - to be exact), but never ended up using it. Although I love taking photos, I go through stages of being attached to my camera and completely forgetting it. The night before last night, I had a sudden inspiration to start using the project, with a theme of 'words' (although the theme didn't come to me until the second day). And ever since (for three days), I have been enthusiastically trying to find new subjects, new words.

Today, while waiting for a ride/escort to return home after dark (my parents care for me deeply enough to fear for my safety after dark. I conform because I love them.), I went to K-Mart to meet B (ie: my escort). He had his own shopping to do, and he seemed very uninterested in how I would entertain myself. Since I was on my way back from work and my wallet was filled with fresh notes, I decided to buy. Its always better than window shopping. I bought:
- A permanent marker (My other one was a cheap one from BD, and it dried after a few days. I decided to not buy cheap stationary any more, if I can afford it.)
- A deodorant (SB was extremely nice and bought me one a while ago after my last one finished, however, he was probably also cheap. The sprayer does not work properly. Every time I've attempted to use it, the liquid streams down fingers and make them excruciatingly fragrant. But, if you ever come across this, SB - thank you for the thought and the effort!!)
- Hair band (the plastic ones that sit on top of your head and make you look like a primary school curry kid. Here is one such example.).
- Tiny post-it notes
- Coloured paper
- Highlight of the night: A little whiteboard with markers. $6. :)

Yes, I took the photo just for the tiny board in the middle. It reminds me of a little chalkboard we used to have in Bangladesh.I'm not sure how we got it, or where it went, but I remember pretending to be a teacher to my deformed staffed animals using that as a blackboard.

Also, I like coming up with lame quotes.

It is now 2.24 AM. I had a huuuuge conversation with Smruthi, which lasted 1949 lines in google chat. We talk about the most interesting things - its funny how we are very different outwardly, yet, I never have such talks with anyone else. That girl has an exam tomorrow (thank God its not in the morning!) and so, of course, she became a philosopher. :P I am extremely curious to see what happens to us in ten years. We dream way too much - dreams that are not too far out of reach, yet, not exactly within reach either. Not yet, at least. I might need to pass with flying colours in order to make it within reach.

And why have I written such a huge blog? I had something due yesterday, which I have extended to today, which I shall extend again to tomorrow night. Please forgive me, Sum. :( I also have to do quite a bit of work to prepare for the coming weekend.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I have to get a coffee tomorrow (today?) morning.

P.S: Today is special for several reasons:
- My mother, the superwoman, got a year older.
- B, the other half of B, is coming tonight, inshaAllah!! :) (Maybe I should call them B1 and B2?)
- It is the shortest day of this year.

Sweetness

I can only imagine the anticipation they must be feeling. Did his fingers tingle when he saw the letter? Did her heart beat a little faster when she heard the news? I wonder how they are hiding their smiles and walking about as if nothing have happened. Or is it too grand for words?

I hope they are happy, always and forever, falling a little more in love everyday. This is for you, B&B.

17th june

I am pretty sure there is a hole/an undiscovered pocket in my bag. In times of dire need, I forget that I failed to discover the opening in the past, and I take out everything in my bag to extract that pen that I keep feeling. And every single time, I have to put everything back in frustration and reaffirm that the hole/pocket has somehow become undone. It reminds of Finders Keepers by Emily Rodda - like it has somehow crossed a barrier that took it beyond my physical reality. What I need to do, is take out everything again, and look for the hole in broad sunlight, with a magnifying glass. And if I still can't find it, I shall just cut a hole and rescue the pen.

I have decided to quit working for the annoying employer that I keep referring to. Even though I love the kids, the woman is just too infuriating to work with. My uni timetable is also quite full next sem, so it would be good if I free up some hours. And everyone in my family synonymously agreed that I should quit. Therefore, next week, I shall tell her the bad (good) news, which will give her about a month to find someone new before the new school term starts. I have realised that stuffing my life with commitments is not the correct approach in developing myself. I really should learn to say 'no' when I cannot take up a responsibility, and if I do, I really need to learn to carry through. My goal was to never have too much time on my hands, which I have successfully reached, however, now I seem to have rolled over to the other side where I do not even have time to process any information/experience/feelings at all. The underlying reason for that goal was the fact that an idle mind is the devil's workshop, yet, my mind still seems to be his workshop even though I hardly have time for anything useful.

Therefore, I need to step back and re-evaluate. Once I have done so, I shall post in my currently dead blog - Secret of Worship.

I finished my exams today! The plan is to completely detox myself of junk food, unhealthy behaviours and lack of direction. However, I also woke up with a cold today, which means that most of my holiday will be spent finishing tissue boxes, in bed and complaining about how I should start the detox process but how I am unable to. However, most of it will probably be done over blog posts, so you can skip as much as you want to. :)

16th June

Words began by tumbling across your heart,

They stomp around in an arrogant, flaring rage,

They boil and brew the letters within themselves;

Words began by breaking out of their cage.

They try to find a way to climb to lips,

They stutter as they struggle in their path.

They clog your throat, hurrying in their quest,

Words cannot contain this untamed wrath.

The other words have broken down already,

They froze because they knew not what to do -

Melting into pieces of tiny tears,

Confused about which bits of them are true.

Some have risen from sweet memories of love,

Moments that are cherished by your heart.

Hidden in deeper corners than your thoughts

These words, too, finally begin to depart.

They walk in darkness, fly across,

They stumble in each other's ways,

They forget why they were formed at all

In this unsolvable maze.

They all arise, they rise, they rise.

Until they reach your eyes

One by one, they begin to fall.

Your lips could not bear them, so,

Your eyes have said it all.

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep

"...Waging war to shape the poet and the beat
I hope its going to make you notice
Someone like me.

I've been roaming around,
I'm looking down and all I see
Painted faces fill the places
I can't reach."

My latest favourite song is 'Use Somebody' by King of Leons. Not sure why, but it just popped into my mind today, even though I haven't listened to the song for a long while. Possibly because my exam is in just under thirty four hours and I could really use somebody who would agree to do my dirty work for me? My brain feels like the mush that Ms A described hers to be when little T was inside her stomach. I am not sure if its the excessive coffee or sugar consumption, and I am not sure why my brain would feel like a mush in that case anyway. But my stomach does too.. hmm...

I think my whole system is finally ruined. I read an article from DL's facebook a few days ago that I related to up to a frightening degree. I can't find it right now, but the gist was that uni students (it was about law kids, but since I can relate to it, I guess it can be extended to most other faculties) start off the semester with casual expensive lunches (preferred over the sandwich squashed at the corner of their bags), cooking elaborate dishes just to procrastinate, and end in chocolate, lollipops and a dangerous amount of coffee. There was something about alcohol too, and thank God it is explicitly forbidden in Islam.

Also, I was randomly blog surfing, because I ran out of ideas for procrastination. (Except staring blankly at walls... that never gets old.) So, I found this along the way. And I stole this from there:

Hehehehe.

Also, I took an awesome photo with post-its the other day, but it needs editing and I cannot be bothered to do so now. However, I  saw this cute video on a friend's wall.




Also, living with three married couples is sometimes quite annoying because no one else gets jokes or concepts that I find funny. I am pretty sure my siblings would have giggled over certain things a few years ago that make them look at me cluelessly now. Which makes things awkward.

I am going to sleep (okay fine you were right Smruthi) and then wake up tomorrow morning EARLY and study. InshaAllah.

.

I almost forgot that I used to write my thoughts in a special (which shall definitely stay unspecified) corner of my phone. The funny thing is, I can remember nearly every single situation when I read over my entries. Some of them are from Bangladesh when I had very little personal space - I just let all of my thoughts out through written words instead of letting them leak out in any other way. The thing with going for a holiday to a known place is that you cannot do anything silly. If you do, and people know about it, you must live with it for the rest of your life. If you lose your temper and punch a hole through someone's living room wall, it will not be fixed soon.

I had a lot more to write, but I am sleepy. 

Fragments

This morning, I walked out of the house wearing three layers of clothing, which included several pieces - skivvy, abayya, woollen jacket, jeans AND harem pants, and I still felt cold. I think what I need is a pair of boots, and I shall be able to completely eliminate any drafts coming through. My mum has a way of wearing a thick scarf on top of her hijab. She attempted to dress me that way when I was about eleven; I thought it looked horrible on me. However, since I have gotten older, wiser and possibly uglier, I have nothing to lose if I try that again. 

She looks beautiful though. I do not know how she manages to look so beautiful in so many things that make me look exactly the opposite.

My recent increase in sensitivity to the weather is alarming, since I have always been fascinated by snow. But it means that I am growing... somehow (not quite sure if its up). I remember when I was young and was able to run out in almost anything, whether it scorching or raining. A runny nose was never a problem, neither was dirt that came up to my knees. And if I could, I would play the whole day without a wink of sleep. Something happened along the way, and I seem to need sleep for half a day, each day. Runny noses annoy me, I avoid dirt and I don't quite like the current weather. There's a bengali saying - 'bangali nari, kurite buri' - 'bengali women grow old at twenty'. I feel the truth of this statement!

I went to uni today and I got some 'stuff done', instead of just whining about it. I just need to stick to my plan for the next week, and then I. Will. Be. Freeeee!

And I finished watching the first two seasons of The Office. The ending of the second season was so cute! Jim Halpert has climbed up my list above Ted Mosby amongst adorable characters. Watch, and you shall figure out why. Interesting fact - both of them have a rounded face. I am sure Freud has a brilliant theory about it.

I was reading Freud's development theories for psychology today. It reminded me that he was indeed a twisted man, with possibly a very traumatising childhood. (And google confirmed my suspicion.) 

I have a very weak resolve and I cannot stand people with weak resolve. Then why do I have a weak resolve? 

Because my other half will be someone of strong resolve.

And that, my friends, is an example of 'rationalisation' - a defence mechanism. Also a theory of Sigmund's, and quite a useful one. 

Love

Both the movie, and the song. Might re-watch after exams, or during procrastination.

Personal plans*

*Only I may feel the spirit each sentence is written with. :)

My physiology exam is in exactly one week and I am hoping to smash it. I am not quite sure how realistic the hope is, however, I still feel that flickering light burning. I have the rest of the day today, most of the day on thursday and friday to finish off my notes. Tomorrow, the weekend and one thursday next week will be psychology inshaAllah. And then the 18th would arrive and I shall be free! (iA)
I have quite a few things to do in the holidays (as always). However, as always, I am doubtful about whether I would get round to them at all. Though there are a few events that I am positive will definitely happen inshaAllah:
- 25th/26th June: AM LC
- 2nd July: T's henna party
- 9th July: T's reception (my sari artist ie: sis will not be in Sydney then. I honestly do not know what I will do without her.)
-  13th July: HP 7 at IMAX!! :)
- 17th July: 'Ramadan Roadtrip'

I watched a few episodes of The Office (because that is exactly what I do when exams approach). I can totally imagine a few of my friends working somewhere like that, with a crazy boss, an office romance and awkward moments. But cucirca episodes are really slow for this show. Anyone know any better places to watch it from?

On a tad heavier note: I could not complain about my life, alhamdulillah. I have everything I need and want, and I have hope that the things I am dreaming of might come true one day not too far away. 

What we cannot fathom

She prays for a pair of wings;
Wishes her heart could sing out loud.
She yearns to breathe the rain,
For it may wash her pain away.
She imagines the land beyond that fence,
Wonders what her chance could have been
Then laughs at her own silliness.
Does freedom exist at all?

Does the world ever hear their screams?
Gun shots, spilt blood,
Does it see their broken dreams?
Would it shudder at the thought of the crumbling building
that trapped her child last winter?

Or does it turn a blind eye,
Change the channel.
Pretend she does not exist at all. 
She wonders.


I wonder if she did, before their gun shot took her life.


A 23-year-old woman, identified as Enas Shreitih, from Al Yarmouk refugee camp in Syria was also among the killed by Israeli fire.

Certain friends

If you had to choose a favourite finger, which one would you choose? 

I recently found out that one of my very good friends has a blog. She wishes to remain anonymous to her known world, therefore, I shall not divulge any details. However, the more I know her, the more I am fascinated. I honestly don't understand why she has a social phobia - she's amazing! She would go out of her way to help anyone who needs it, and it would come right from her heart. She's intelligent, becoming strong-willed in self-discipline, pretty, creative and a lot of things a lot of people want to be. MashaAllah! I hope Allah enhances all the good things she has in herself and makes her one of the happiest people in both worlds. The nice thing is, she probably would never come across this. Even if she miraculously does, she would never realise that this is about her. :)

Another friend of mine is going through something that, at some level, is entirely new to me. I mean, I can relate to the concepts because I have made a similar mistake before, but I just do not know how to deal with its extent. I know how I felt when I was in my situation, and since mine was ten times less intense, I can only imagine how she must be feeling. I hope she can come through it.

On a completely different note - I hate keeping things from my friends, even if it is for their good and they will know when it is time. However, it puts me in an awkward position, and I am so bad at pretending that people can easily tell that something weird is going on. More details later.

CJ - if you ever come across this - Happy Birthday! Like I (and so many others) keep reminding you - you're nineteen! Why are you such an adult? :P

Satnesday (and happy belated birthday S)

Today feels like a Saturday... possibly because:
- I made pancakes.
- I took time to nicely present a pancake to myself (with natural yoghurt, vanilla creamed chocolate cookie crumbles and honey) and then had breakfast in bed while watching a TV show.
- My parents are home. And that's not supposed to happen on a Wednesday.
- I am legally missing university. Its the last week of uni and no lectures are on this week, therefore I have no classes today. :)

I made an awesome cup of spice tea today. I came up with the recipe myself and it has not turned into a disaster! I also made a cup for my mother and she agreed on its awesomeness. I would like to reiterate - my grandmother would be proud of me. :) (However, I still need to learn how to make milk tea, and on stove-top too. Then my grandmother would truly be very proud. :D)

I have to get quite a few things done today. My linguistics assignment is due tomorrow and I have very little idea about how to approach the questions. I need to get over my horrible performance on my exam and lack of attendance after that, and email my tutor and shamelessly beg to be guided. And I am very glad that I decided to cut most of my hair off and decided to look like a 'boy' (according to my mother) because although I am giving it the same treatment as I have done in the near past, it has not knotted up as usual. The human male species does have an easier life. However, I must conform to my femininity and do something about it today. Also, although my room is not quite the pigsty yet, it is not something my mother would love to walk into, therefore I need to clean it up. I also need to vacuum the whole house because the effect of lack of vacuuming has began to show...

Arghh SO MUCH to do. :(

I hate to admit it in such a public place, but I have watched a few episodes of Gossip Girl. The reason why I am making such a revelation is that there was a tiny part in it that (amongst many other tiny parts) that I have experienced before. Serena tells someone about something about Blair and there is no way that Blair is supposed to find out, yet, she tells Serena that 'I know that you were the one...'. My point is, some people just 'somehow' seem to know things, much to the oblivion of others. It is such a huge betrayal of friendship (of course I have stopped talking about GG - its filled with betrayals so it has the least importance in the characters' life lessons.)! So, when I realise that some of people are trying to 'protect' me (or something) by not opening up completely about a certain thing, I automatically distance myself, without even thinking about it. And, on the other hand, when you can fully trust someone with your 'secrets'/weaknesses/anything - that is what strengthens bonds.

On that topic, let me introduce my friend - Smruthi (who has introduced herself in here a longgg time ago, but this is the formal one. ;)). I have known this girl since year 8, English - the day that our deputy left her with us. Somehow, she automatically became part of our group. We spent nearly three years at the same school, then two years at different school. Then we started to go to the same university a year and a half ago. Although we spent two of our 'growing-up' years apart, it often seems that we have grown together and closer than ever. High school rivalry with grades has left us (because we are doing two different degrees, and we are quite happy with a pass... oh how our standards have dropped since year 8!). We have no common enemies within our vicinity either. Therefore, we seem to have a lot of conversation about 'life' in general. I love the way Smruthi thinks. Even though she is surrounded by superficial people who often prove that they have not grown out of high school mentality, Smruthi is able to take a holistic outlook (most of the time. :P). We are both in the same boat with our future - neither of us know what's happening to it. She loves her family dearly, has a soft heart and appreciates the simple beauties of life (even though she doesn't realise it often). I love you Smruthi, and I hope you never stop becoming the wonderful woman that you have started to become, and is capable of being. This dedication was supposed to go here four days ago, but you know me well enough to know how much I procrastinate. 

Cup

I FINALLY TOOK A PHOTO OF MY AWESOME CUP!

And yes, I just used those books, the rose petals and the fifty dollar note to show off. Go ahead and admire my cup.

Draft from 26th April 2011

(Just realised I wrote this exactly a month ago!)

I wrote this one on the 18th of August, 2010. Now that I look back on my posts, that particular day was not so bad. I think that was the end of my journey of one cycle - when I was in the 'reformed' state. However, I vaguely remember how I felt a few days before this, and it was not good. However, alhamdulillah, I managed to get out of it. So many crimes are happening around me lately. When I see them, I feel extremely scared, because, at times, I think that that person could have easily been me. When anger and frustration takes over your mind, and you cannot perceive anything clearly, you stop being human. You can do anything, inflict any pain, on anyone. It does not have to be a physical pain (although it often is). You often psychologically damage your own self, by contradicting what you do with what you really should be doing, in order to make yourself feel good. The trick is to stop those emotions right at the beginning of their track.

Every night I tell Him I will return in the morning,
Start my day afresh with that strange sensation of yearning,
I will try to feel Him in my heart, tomorrow, I will,
Can't I forget the truth and live in dreams, just for tonight?

Tomorrow, I shall smile, I will be grateful again,
I'll thank Him for the happiness of relieving me of pain;
I will notice little beauties, tomorrow, I will!
But, for now, I just wish to close my eyes and lose my sight.

The day is gone, I lost the point that I was holding on;
I believe tomorrow, my soul will wish to be reborn.
My heart will cry with intense love and reach out to You, Lord,
Tomorrow, I shall fix me up and set it all aright.

So, I sleep tonight, every night, waiting for tomorrow,
The day when my heart will be free of darkness and sorrow;
Yet, I refuse to raise my hands, refuse to take a step.
Is it shame I feel? Or pride? Hopeless, unable to fight?

Somewhere, beneath the darkness that envelopes my heart's eyes,
I vaguely remember finding sunshine in the skies;
But my feet are heavy, caught in the quicksand on this world,
It pulls on me, drags me down, boasting of its might.

I look for those tiny rays of sunshine in my heart,
Knee deep in fake life, I begin to wish for a new start.
Sinking lower, I have no way, 'cept to find those rays -
I rummage through my memories, desperate in my plight.

As the dirt covers my waist, suddenly, I see them!
Two small rays of sunshine poking through my past's dark phlegm;
I reach inside, pull on one, pull its tiny thread
Faster and faster, thirsty for it to shed its light.

The frozen tears on my hardened heart get ready to flow,
I can feel the viscous sinking start to slow...
With wet eyelashes, a shivering soul and tingling fingertips,
I feel His mercy elevate me to a surreal height.

I take a step, slowly, walking free from the quicksand,
The ray of sunshine grows on me, I learn to understand,
I learn to feel, I learn to love; You only I worship.
Thank You, for making my 'tomorrow' bright.

And if you're yellow, don't stress*

*Not a racist remark. Scroll down for details.

I bought four rechargeable batteries in order to bring my camera back to life. It has lain lifelessly on my shelf for way too long, while autumn colours are getting a little different every single day. When I saw CJ's autumn album, it just made my urge to capture the colours stronger and stronger. I told him I'd steal his idea, however, I haven't yet gotten a chance to do so. The batteries were brought home, yet, the charger is nowhere to be seen. Now I am stuck with four useless batteries and twenty three dollars and ninety-nine cents less from my bank account.

I talked to Emu after a very long time last night. She has been working like crazy, and here I was, thinking something major has happened in her life. A similar dramatisation happened with Mis Worshipper too. I was on the phone with her, and suddenly, everything was quiet. I was frantically and urgently 'hello'-ing into the phone, only to be met with silence. A serious of scenarios flashed through my mind, some of them quite morbid I must admit. Turned out that there was a connection problem and she could hear me just fine. :|

I had this long standing argument that I can do whatever with my life because it is mine. It had added details like - I love the little things in life, therefore, if I feel like just staying in bed and watching the sky all day long, I am allowed to do so. However, I am increasingly realising that this logic is flawed. Due to my (over)commitments, I cannot ignore people for too long. I made a list of commitments that I need to keep myself updated in. Then I realised I missed one. The list has gotten too long for me to even remember what things should go in there! So, currently, I cannot really do whatever I want with my life. I must share it with the zillion other people I have given my promise to. For example, today. Its a cloudy, windy day; beautifully vibrant red flowers have bloomed in my bolding tree. Most of the leaves have turned yellow, some are still green, while some have already fallen to the ground in their brownness. I would love to just stay in bed, underneath my blanket, listening to the wind and watching it work. Yet, I have a student to tutor today, for which I must leave soon and return at night. As much as I love teaching, I wish there was some way of doing so whenever I want without causing discomfort to others. (I'm asking for heaven on earth, am I not?)

This also led me to accept the fact that my logic of 'I have time to procrastinate therefore I have time for more productivity in my life' is also flawed. No matter how much I pile on, I always seem to find time to procrastinate. Therefore, next time I decide to commit myself to something, I probably need to take into my commitment to procrastination.

Good news for all those concerned about my coffee consumption - I decided to slow it a little. Although, I do stick by my judgement that I was not consuming coffee of a dangerous degree, which could classify me as an 'addict' and would require me to seek serious help (contrary to what my mother believes). I decided that I will not buy or make coffee for myself unless absolutely necessary, such as, studying in the library for a whole day after a sleepless night.

Food for thought - why do R&B singers have beautiful soft voices that sound so warm and protective, yet, sing about shocking ways of degrading women, and refer to them by (many names, but the most polite one is) 'shorty'? The worst part is when girls actually like such a thing! Its one thing to have an embarrassing personal preference (which is sick too anyway), however, it is a completely different thing to make this degradation a public knowledge and a thing to be proud of. I was so traumatised today that I had to listen to Aicha. Haven't heard this song in a while. I remember when I was crazy about Outlandish - I was 15/16ish. I was obsessed with Europe, and I really, really loved the way the guy says 'ecoute moi'. It lasts for exactly two seconds, yet, that was the best part of the whole four minute video. Now that I listen to the song again, I can find a million details that annoy me about it. For example, what's with the curry guy throwing random phrases here and there? I really don't understand his role in the band. And the white cloth on top of Isam's head near the end of the video reminds me of one of our table cloths. However, it still brings back memories. I listened to this song from my parent's bedroom, which always smelled like Beli Ful (Not sure what the English name for this flower is). Whenever I smell beli ful, my heart races. Even though every association of a racing heart that I had with those flowers have been destroyed a very long time ago. Ah, I miss my innocence of that age!

Here's something to lighten up your mind/mood/day. Boys, all hope is not lost. :) (As long as you have an MBA. :P)