Little wet tears

Certain moments in your life remind you that everyone and everything around you are just variables in your life. God is the only constant, Who will always remain a constant. I wish I could hold onto those moments. I wish I always remembered. These moments do not have to be part of a huge event. It may have been the moment you truly admired the sunset from your heart, or when one single leaf, or an eye, earned your amazement with its complexity. Or when your tear glands started working heavily after you failed; or passed unexpectedly with flying, vibrant colours. It may be the moment that you are experiencing now, as you look back and try to search something beautiful in your memory, and come up with a million surprising images.

“Count your nights by stars, not shadows; count your life with smiles, not tears.”

A Rainy Afternoon

Raindrops splash on my window.
They dance in that bare, wooden tree,
Sliding across the ocean of
The world that swims around me.

They sing to a quiet, little bird,
Who trembles in fear of their strength,
Hiding beneath comfortable leaves,
For a miracle, it prays at length.

They celebrate a secret joy -
Dancing in the roof of a car,
Licking away at a pile of filth,
Drunkenly sliding over each other.

I stay in my bed, bemused -
Watching the rain as it reigns;
Making some smile, making some cry,
Driving some others insane.

--

Written sometime during September. This depicts an actual rainy afternoon. :)

Dream with your eyes wide open

The time period for my optimal productivity is exactly three days. On the fourth day, both my body and brain go haywire - body wants to sleep till noon and brain wants to turn away from everything that involves its use. I discovered this yesterday - which was another 'fourth day'. Therefore, I have concluded that one week should contain four days, instead of seven. Three weekdays and one-day-weekend. I have also discovered one of the wisdoms behind the concept of Taqwa - to increase productivity.

Taqwa is a huge concept in Islam. But for the benefit of my readers, a short summary is: It is the simultaneous, balanced feeling and expression of love, hope and fear of God. I guess, this is one of the things that sets Islam apart from Christianity (correct me if I'm wrong, FG, I admit to knowing very little about your faith, even though we've been best friends for two years! :$). As far as I know - in Christianity, love of God and hope in His mercy is emphasised the most, when it comes to knowing who exactly God is. In Islam - The Quran mentions 99 qualities of God, and they are a mixture of qualities of love, hope, might, justice - the whole bunch! As a Muslim, we are asked to keep these in mind when we stand before God. In fact, when we do anything and everything.

The thing is, for the past few weeks, I have only been reminding myself of God's mercy and love. Yes, it helps me get up every morning. It keeps me from horrible thoughts and prevents me from leaving myself at my lowest points. However, what I have seen it, it wears out after a few days. I keep thinking, 'God will forgive me because He is the Most Merciful' and 'no matter what I do, God will love me because He loves His creations more than a mother loves her child' and 'God is Al-Mujib, the Answerer of Prayers, so I can ask for anything any time and He'll give it, so who cares if I slack off a little?' The problem is 'a little' turns into 'a whole day' which turns into a week. After the initial push, remembrance of Allah's mercy is not done in the correct way in my mind, and it causes me to procrastinate. 

However, fear without hope also causes problems. It makes me think that I cannot ever get out of my situation because if the All-Mighty does not help me, what power is left? Then, there is excessive worries, which results in procrastination again, because, if you believe that nothing can be done, then nothing is done. 

Therefore, as I have realised MANY times before (and then forgotten again), Islam provides the perfect balance. The scholar Ibn ul Qayyim al Jawziyyah expresses it beautifully: 

"The heart in its journey towards Allah, is like a bird whose head is love, and hope and fear are its two wings. When the head and the two wings are sound and healthy the flight of the bird is good, but when the head is cut off, it immediately dies, and when either or both wings are deficient, the bird cannot properly fly and may become victim of any hunter or snare. The righteous predecessors preferred to strengthen the wing of fear during good times when heedlessness is feared, and to strengthen the wing of hope at times of calamity and when near death.
Some have said that it is better to strengthen fear more than hope because when vain hopes overcome a person he is ruined. Others say that the best of situations is a complete balance of hope and fear with overwhelming love, for love is composite,while hope is a sharpener and fear a driver."

Of course, the perfect balance is extremely hard to achieve. But, reward is proportional to effort. I hope I remember.

Last wednesday, (second day of my optimal productive days) I was walking out of my optics lectures to go to the
prayer room, which is on the opposite side of our university. The amount of walking done at uni would have increased my fitness level long ago, if I regulated my food intake (and actually climbed up every step instead of trying to discover every lift available!). Anyway, being the coward little girl that I am, I decided to walk all the way to the prayer room.Yet, as soon as I stepped out, I saw a beautiful sight. A man was praying on the green grass, ignoring every other soul around him, and turning only to his Creator. It wasn't a carefully chosen spot, away from everyone's eyes. Neither were his moves constricted and self-conscious. The sun was falling on his long brown hair and beard. He finished the ritual and raised his hand to his Lord. It was so beautiful! So beautiful! I remained frozen in my spot for a few seconds. I do not know who it was, for all I know it could be an angel in human form. Or an illusion. It made me feel very ashamed. Even though I have prayed in open places, I lack the courage to do so at uni. I don't know why. But that person really did make me think twice. If I say I love the truth, why should I be afraid to express it?

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting the most beautiful years of my life. I should be doing something for the world, I should be helping to reduce poverty, I should be fighting for the rights of women, I should be travelling, I should be using my beautiful life to make other peoples' lives beautiful. Why am I tripping in the most basic places? These years will be gone in a blink and I will find myself trying to figure out what went wrong. I was talking to Shad Apu the other day. She's 26 (I think, or was it 27?) and has a beautiful daughter. She was telling me that she still remembers her first year of university. She remembers how full of life she was. She remembers how much of a dreamer she was. And those moments passed so quickly, that she wonders what she could've done if they were still hers. She said that she loves being a mother, yet, she lost the chirpy restlessness she felt at 19. The feeling that she can conquer the world if she wanted to.

So, I took out a pen and paper, and wrote down some goals. Things I want to do in my life. So that I can look back when I am eighty-eight, and not regret. I understand that these goals will probably change as I grow, but at least they are a starting point! 

In search of a dream

Dreams float in my mind.
I stare intently,
Desparately trying to get lost in their world.
Trying to grasp a few,
Or even one.
To embed it in my heart,
Then run as fast as I can.
So that the dream becomes my goal,
The goal becomes my reality.
Only then,
Will the reality feel like a dream. 




p.s.: All career directions I have or had in the past seem like illusions.


p.p.s: I like real bubbles. I hate figurative bubbles.

12/09

Its another beautiful day; I am sitting here, loving it, yet, dreading tomorrow. I have my chemistry mid semester exam tomorrow. Its only 10%, and its a multiple choice exam, but I know that if I screw it up, of which there is a huge chance, I will suffer from low self esteem and screw up every single chemistry exam after that. I also have my optics exam on Wednesday - the famous exam which keeps being postponed and saving my soul. I don't think it will be postponed any longer. And so I can feel my heavy heart sinking very, very low, at the thought of Wednesday.

The past few days were not supposed to be very enjoyable, given my close proximity to the exams. Yet, they were very, very enjoyable. I felt like I want to freeze my life at certain points and live in that moment, forever. One such moment was when I received my very first camera. I thought my very first camera would be Pentax x90 - at which I have gazed lovingly for a very long time. I thought I would buy it with my own money when I save up enough. Since I am very bad at saving up, it was supposed to be what my siblings would give me if I get into a certain course. Since I am not exactly sure about my career path any more, they decided to give up. As I have mentioned before, my mother has been very generous and have given me a Canon PowerShot sx120. My siblings bought me a cute pouch, my memory card and two extra years of warranty. They also seem to think that it gives them the right to slave me around the next three years. That, children, is what one gets for being the youngest.

I love my camera. I shall have a lot more photos and a lot less words from now on, like Aniqa. If I can be bothered.

AND unexpectedly, I saw Aniqa yesterday, during an Eid visit. How random? There were days when I would see you more often at blogland than uni. Now, I see you more often at other people's houses than blogland. (Yes, it was only once, but that can be referred to as 'more often' since I don't see you anywhere any more - AT ALL!)

I have thoroughly enjoyed my Eid visits this year. In fact, I have thoroughly enjoyed my Eid this year full stop. (It is probably a product of procrastination, the extra happiness you feel when you make yourself useful doing something good at the wrong time.) The day started off with foggy air, hints of excitement in every breath. It proceeded with a little bit of screaming, running, hurrying, shoving ourselves into our clothes, eating, running out to the car, prayer, being surrounded by amazing and amusing kids, having a house full of people yet feeling like there is space for everyone, taking lots and lots of photos, having an amazing time with certain people ie: Sum, Ana. Ana trekked all the way down from her place and gave me a special respected spot for trekking all the way there every single day. Jo came, and brought delicious gifts. The only thing is - I didn't get a lollybag. I helped make them yet I did not get one! I was eye-ing every item while making them for the little kids. :(

I was supposed to make some sort of a dessert this Eid. After much contemplation, the day before Eid, I decided on sticky date pudding. With great enthusiasm, I set out to create a masterpiece, just like I have done a few Eids ago. I still remember the ooh's and aah's as people tasted my pudding. So, I mixed everything in. I realised that we were short of self raising flour. So, being the smug expert that I am, I decided to chuck in a random amount of plain flour and baking soda together. I might've put in a little extra, thinking that it would give it an extra rise! Much to my amazement, the pudding had a huge black spot right in the middle. After a while the liquid started to rise, continued to rise until it fell down the sides. I couldn't watch any more.

It ended up as round balls of bitterness.

ps: Happy birthday, my two beautiful best friends!

Fleeting thoughts

Tomorrow is Eid.

Ramadan passed me by faster than the blink of an eye. Yes, alhamdulillah, I feel like I have gained something from it this time. I feel an inch closer to Him. I feel an inch more satisfied with my life. But I know, the real challenge starts now. I have to hold on. I have to hold on to Him. The thing is - if you are not a spiritual person, or if you have never felt a moment of spirituality, you will not be able to feel what I feel. But if you have tasted its sweetness, you will know exactly what I am talking about. To all those that belong in the second group, I pray that you feel a little closer to Him.

Yet, tomorrow is Eid. I feel quite excited. This morning, I was feeling the same way I used to feel ten years ago. Butterflies in my stomach, plan after plan after plan, images running through my mind, overlapping each other. Don't ask me what I plan for - they are the silliest things you can think of. Nothing related to Eid. Just happy thoughts.

Today.

Yet another afternoon with the sun peeking through the blinds of this room. I was quite excited when Cho & Co came over last weekend. I showed them my much loved windows. They must've been disappointed. Yes, I must've gone overboard with expressing my love for a few windows, but still, I was surprised to see a lack of reaction - any reaction. Even though there was about ten of them, and one of me, I like to think that my perspectives are more correct.


"Suppose, i gave you my eyes.
Will you be able to see
what i see??"


---


7.20 pm:


The tiny poem above is titled 'Even If', and written by a blogger called Sumi, to whom I was introduced by Smruthi (I figured, shortening her name is of no use any more, she has her full name in her blog). This girl is amazingly talented, and has a good eye. I love the way she sees the world as an artist, thus, she is right to doubt everybody else's points of views. I know a few other people like that, Ana, for example. Her mind seems to wonder everywhere, and create little beauties in unexpected places.


I am quite excited right now. There are several things happening in my life/in someone else's life I care about. It feels like another turning point, like I am living the moments I do not want to pass. Reasons for the adrenaline rushes:
1. Eid is coming up!
2. One of my best friends might be experiencing some new and pleasant experiences soon. I wish her, and all the people involved, good luck. (You're probably reading it, without an idea that this is about you!)
3. I am going on a holiday at the end of this year, to the country I have a love-hate relationship with.
4. I am getting a new camera! My mum has been very kind to offer me a camera, which, inshaAllah, we will be buying tomorrow. SLRs are still in my dreams, therefore, I shall be content with a point-and-shoot. In fact, I shall be very, VERY happy. It'll be my first camera, ever. :D


Alhamdulillah. Life is wonderful, and it is continuing to be wonderful. 


A friend asked once, what I will say to my daughter if she makes my mistakes. I thought about it today. I figured, the only way to bring up a person to be a 'human being' is to bring her up according to what you truly believe in, instead of what you'd like to believe in. You have to be completely honest with her about everything in your life, even if they are shortcomings you would not like to reveal to a child. Wisdom and deception are not the same thing; neither are honesty and stupidity. Be wise, yet honest. If my child makes the same mistakes as me, even after I tell her my reasons for doing and not doing certain things, even after I try my best to be honest and wise, to lead her to the that I am truly convinced is right, then I will leave it up to her and pray to God that everything turns out fine - because, at the end of the day, everything is up to Him. In His hands, Who made me turn to Him. There is nothing I can do to influence another person's actions, if God does not want me to.


"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. "

'Fragmentary Blue's

Disclaimer: This post is not worth reading unless you want to waste your time behind pure wastage of time.

Broken hearted rhythms tap into my mind,
They wonder through this puzzle, trying hard to find
Any broken bits or a little bit of crack -
Subtle clues to tell them what I lack.
They slowly walk all over this hidden piece of stone,
Scribbling vigorously the times when I'm alone;
Poking with their sticks, digging, beginning to ponder
Why this is turning out to be a blunder.

Product of pseudo-depression the night before an exam.

Its a cloudy day. I don't feel like doing anything today, yet I have a lot of things to do today. Was it the Night of Power last night? I hope not.

I have a lot of things to do this week. Chemistry, Optics, Physics to study for, Eid to prepare for, Ramadan to use.

I have a lot of things to do this month

I have a lot of things to do this year.

I have a lot of things to do for the rest of my life. First - I need to figure out what to do with it though...

Two of my best friends' birthdays are coming up. Amazingly, both of their birthdays are on the same day - 12th September. One is exactly two years younger than the other.

Since I have nothing to say, I shall stop wasting your precious time. But then, since you kept reading after the disclaimer, I suppose you wanted to waste your time.

P.S: Did you know that Frost wrote a poem on 'blue'?

Why make so much of fragmentary blue
In here and there a bird, or butterfly,
Or flower, or wearing-stone, or open eye,
When heaven presents in sheets the solid hue?

Since earth is earth, perhaps, not heaven (as yet)--
Though some savants make earth include the sky;
And blue so far above us comes so high,
It only gives our wish for blue a whet.

Beautiful!

For I cannot weaken if You are with me

For certain reasons, I really needed to do well in the two exams that was scheduled for today. One was supposed to be held from 10 am to 11 am, worth 20%. The other - 3 pm to 4 pm, worth 25%. I started studying a few days ago. Out of the five chapters for the 25% test, I got through three of them properly. For the other exam - I stayed up until 3 am last night, studying. Of course, I wasted a lot of time before this, which I feel deep regret for. Anyway, lately, I have been feeling that God is my only hope, only hope of anything and everything. So I turned to Him. As impossible as it sounded, I asked Allah to make a way for me know learn all the content before the 25% test. What would've taken me two weeks, I was asking to do in two hours. This seemed absolutely impossible and the whole time I was thinking, Allah has infinite powers, therefore, anything is possible.

SubhanAllah, when I got to uni, I heard that the exam is postponed. My heart was beating so fast. This is another miracle. The power of Dua is amazing! It made my faith stronger. I felt assured that anything I ask for WILL be answered. If not directly, it will be answered in another way.

Did I talk about Caravanserai yet? It is a song that makes me feel calm, makes me cry, yet helps me to wipe my tears. Its by Talib Al-Habib, an amazing singer who makes use of his voice in one of the best ways possible. I found it interesting that his lyrics are written by his wife. He has a new CD out - Songs of Wayfarer. I was listening to Heartsong. It lifts up your spirit and makes you feel close to Him.

Hear now, my heart song, my heart calls to You,
That you guide me, my Lord, through my soul's long, dark night.
I send my heart song across the empty silences,
To You.
May You fill me with peace and with light,
Lost in an ocean of doubt and confusion,
Am I seeking your burning beacon light?
Strengthen my hand and my heart when I falter
For I cannot weaken if You are with me.

I have listened to a few more of Maher Zain's songs - I really like this one. It reflects exactly how I feel.

I find it amazing that I am flying through physics without having an idea of what's going on. I really do need to catch up, and Smru, if you are reading this, tell me that I need to catch up! Every subject at uni is speeding by and I need to use the upcoming seven uni-free days. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) Eid falls on one of those days. So much to do, so little time!

I am sleepy.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

A flower unplucked is but left to the falling

One of my followers have stopped following me. Now I have five followers instead of six. The tragic thing is I can't remember who it was. Was it MM? Or Emu?

I really like Yeats. And Frost. Frost makes me smile, Yeats makes my heart skip a bit. I have finally read the poem that ends with 'I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.' Its called 'He wishes for the clothes of Heaven'.

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

I think, if someone treads hard on your dreams, they do not deserve you.

I also read Television by Roald Dahl recently. I like it, because, we currently do not have a TV. I mean, we have a TV set, but its not set up, so we cannot watch it.

It has already been sixteen days of Ramadan. Time is flying, quicker than usual! That is something worth noting, since it usually flies very fast. I have two exams next Wednesday, one assignment due, soon, one exam (for a subject which I have not started studying for at all!) in two and a half weeks and several things in between. I can't believe tomorrow is Friday, again. It seems like last Friday was only moments ago!

I find it so amazing how we can waste so much time yet complain about how time flies by. And it is extreme hard to do otherwise - have you realised? For example, when you are doing something that you must get done (e.g.: an assignment that you are stuck in, two-hour lectures, praying when your mind is not in it), time seems to go very slowly. Yet, when you are sleeping, or eating, or entertaining yourself on the internet, half an hour seems to be equivalent to five minutes. In fact, usually, these units of time seem arbitrary. Its how long it feels that matters, not how long something actually takes.

Unfortunately, life is full of time limits, since life itself is for a limited time.

I was asked by Miffy, what I want to do with my life. I couldn't answer her. But then, I thought about it. And I think I know what I want. Its nothing fancy, like SS, who is very brave to dream of what she's dreaming of. That poem of Yeats may seem like a lover's poem, but to me, it seems like something a parent would say to his or her child. They have so many dreams, naive and silly dreams, sometimes, dreams which must be tread upon softly.

But, hold fast to your dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly!

Speaking of birds - we have random spotted doves flying around our house. They sit on the ledges and call out. They fly towards the windows, pause, then fly back, disappointed that the clarity is actually a barrier. They are beautiful creatures that brighten my day. Sunlight through my windows in the afternoon also brightens my day. And the moonlight - it showers my bed every morning at four AM.

Alhamdulillah, Allah accepted one of my duas today, the same dua that I made last Thursday. Yet, I am feeling like my mind is beginning to wonder off from prayer again, I am losing the feeling of love I felt a few days back.

A reminder that we all need:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The slave will receive a response so long as his dua does not involve sin or severing of family ties, and so long as he is not hasty.” It was said, “What does being hasty mean?” He said: “When he says, ‘I made dua and I made dua, and I have not seen any response,’ and he gets frustrated and stops making dua.”

Sometimes, things feel so impossible, yet we just have to hold on, and keep asking.

Therefore, pluck thy flowers, since nothing is gained by not gathering roses!

Maher Zain - Insha Allah | ماهر زين - ان شاء الله

Heard two of his other songs - The Chosen One and Open Your Eyes. A talented human being!

Tahajjud

In the darkness of the night,
Stillness overcomes me.
I sit here -
Paralysed, thinking of You.

The love that I feel in my heart
Mingles with hope and fear,
I feel a tear
Forming at the corner of my eye.

I want this state to last forever
This moment, I wish to savour
When no one else is in my mind but You
My head is down on the ground, I
Feel You lift my faith up to the sky
All of my heart is coloured by Your hue.

They all dissolve from my head -
Worldly thoughts and worries,
I trust You
To take care of my affairs.

When the past comes to prod my mind,
I find the strength to push,
To break free,
Hoping You will forgive me in time.

The dark moments that eat away at my heart,
Please wipe them, I need another new start.

Lets not pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...

...Lets find real shooting stars!


'Tis the 7th day of Ramadan and I am beginning to feel the high faithed period starting to wear away. But, I know, that this is the real challenge. When something horrible happens, its not easy to get back up. But when Ido get up, I feel so grateful for being able to do so that you climb up very, very high. Then I start to take it for granted and slack off. I fail to realise that God gave me the ability to be here and therefore I must put some effort in keeping myself here. Leave a comment if you know that feeling!


I saw little A (FG, you would know her as M) again after more than three months! She has become more adorable than she ever was and she seems to be enjoying the second year of her life very much. She can talk more fluently than ever, yet, she cannot say 'apu' when she sees me. However, I have finally gotten her to realise that it was me who took her photos with my phone - photos at which she used to stare in amazement. So, today, I showed her my phone and she said 'baby! baby nai!'. And then, 'pojapoti'. I figured she meant 'projapoti' even though she was looking at the two dandelions in my wallpaper. So I told her its 'ful'. She stared at me for a while and then she said 'ful?'. In short - She is an adorable two year old whose face I feel like covering with kisses. 


I had my pupils dilated by a chemical (the name of which I should've noted down, according to my lab worksheet, but I didn't) yesterday, around 2 pm. I couldn't see it myself, but they expanded to a point where my irises were hardly visible. I could not read anything for until this morning. I had to squint and hold my phone as far as possible to make out the words a text message! All the white lights were too bright too even glance at, yet, I don't own any sunglasses, therefore, I just had to put up with it. Despite all of these inconveniences, I loved it! Everything looked blurry, like I was dreaming. It reminded me of Inception. If I remember correctly, their pupils were more and more dilated when they went deeper in to dreams. It also reminded me of hungry vampires. If you have not read or seen Twilight, you probably don't know what I am talking about. But if you have not read or seen Twilight, I strongly suggest that you don't waste your time by doing any or both. (I was fifteen when I read it! I can be excused!)


Today, I had the best sleep I have had in a while, on the train. It got to a point where MX fell from my hand and my head lolled to the side. On a separate occasion, but on the same day, my head rolled sideways and  hit the window, twice. Thank God for the beautiful sleep I have been experiencing, especially since they last only between my stops, and not beyond. 


I love Vision Science 1, especially when SN talks. He dims the light in such a way that his voice grows more appealing, and the content more enjoyable. Yesterday, he was talking about the photo receptors and their structure. He said that the diagram is not just a random work of imagination, it is actually a map of the actual location and shapes of them. While talking about them, at a point, he stopped. And he said - who knows if they are really there? Maybe we're all dreaming about it. And it reminded me of Inception again. There is a scene where a strong sedative is given to a group of people who voluntarily want to fall asleep. When asked if they come here to dream all the time, the manager said something like: No, they come here to wake up. After all, who are you to say they are dreaming? 


Inception was such an epic movie. You can relate every line to reality. It reminded me that, so many of us are still sleeping and we don't realise it! We don't realise that we are blocking out reality. Or maybe we are voluntarily doing so? It's time to wake up and face the truth.


'And so, the parable of those who are bent on denying the truth is that of the beast which hears the shepherd's cry, and hears in it nothing but the sound of a voice and a call. Deaf are they, and dumb, and blind: for they do not use their reason.' (2:171)


'Have they, then, never journeyed about the earth, letting their hearts gain wisdom, and causing their ears to hear? Yet, verily, it is not their eyes that have become blind - but blind have become the hearts that are in their breasts!' (22:46)


'How can you disbelieve in Allah? Seeing that you were dead and He gave you life. Then He will give you death, then again bring you to life and then unto Him you will return.' (2:28)

Wet eyelashes, a shivering heart

The fifth day of Ramadan is turning out to be as beautiful as the rest of the days. I don't know what it is, but as soon as the first night began, I felt a strange sense of peace. I felt this sudden hope that everything will be okay, again. I have this month, this chance that God has given me yet again, to become a better person. I felt the heavy guilt of stooping to my lowest, of hurting others beyond imagination, of experiencing things I promised myself I would not try ever again. Yet, since that night, I felt hopeful again. God is the Most Merciful, and His mercy exceeds His wrath. I must remember this. I came across a beautiful Hadith today - In it, the prophet showed us what we can say if we have suicidal thoughts. He said: "Let none of you wish for death on account of an affliction that befalls him. If he has no alternative, let him pray: O Allah! Give my life so long as this life is good for me, and take away my life if death is good for me." SubhanAllah! I was staring down from the second floor only about a week ago and wondering if this is worth it. Allah showed me that it is.

I have so many things that I can thank Him for. For my beautiful friend - FG, whose email made me smile and gave me the first ray of hope again. May God bless you and make you more amazing than you already are. May He make your problems easy for you. For the strongest woman I have ever seen - my mother. Only about two days ago, I was reading a diary that she kept when my siblings were little. Her perception amazed me! She did creative and innovative things to teach them love and respect. The things that they would say reflected that. They were the most important things in her life and it seemed like she would do anything for them! She is still like that. She has so many things to worry about and I wish I was not one of them. I wish I could make her smile more. I remember, once, she told us she had never seen any soft minded girls like my sister and I. It brought tears to my eyes, to think that she loves us so much to think that. Her strength makes us forget the softness that lies within her, but I pray that I will remember it more frequently. 

Its was raining a while ago. The mountains are bluer than usual, the sky is patterned with different shades of whites, greys and pale blues. The streets are wet, yet, glistening in the sun. A slight breeze is swaying the branches, slowly. Their leaves softly swinging back and forth. Life is beautiful again, alhamdulillah.

Certain people in my life have come and gone and returned and gone, only to repeat the pattern over and over again. People who I have hurt, or people who have hurt me. For those who have hurt me - I am really trying to forgive you, but its not easy. For others - it feels like I am stuck in a stalemate. I can't do anything at all until I am forgiven. I can't do anything to be forgiven except to silently pray. I am not the best of Muslims, in fact, I am probably not a very good one. The word 'Islam' has two meanings - peace, and submission. To be a Muslim, is to attain peace by submitting to God. If you are a Muslim, God's wishes are your first priority. For me - I get into these high faithed periods in which I truly believe in God. I truly believe that I have to return to Him, that I am accountable for every single action. I am accountable for every person I hurt, every time I hurt them. Then, my actions reflect that. Sometimes,  I just throw everything in air and give up. It feels like I am a bad enough person already and it does not matter if I hurt a thousand people to get what I want.  During those moments, I lose my perceptions. I can't see beyond my desires. This keeps happening over and over again. I was thinking about why it happens for quite a while, and then it hit me, today. It happens every time I feel betrayed by someone. NC told me that she never would have thought that I have rebelled a few times in the past, to quite and extreme. I think its because, being the youngest, as a young teen, I never felt like people trusted me or expected me to be responsible. Yes, people kept reminding me of how irresponsible I am, how I can never get anywhere, how I cannot be trusted with any responsibilities; but no one (except my sister, my all-time childhood counselor) told me that I can actually do some things and that I can be responsible. Its only when you are treated like an adult that you feel like an adult.

Its only when people tell you that you are good enough that you feel good enough, especially if you are in your childhood or early teen years, when your heart feels vulnerable to everything. LJM is reminding me of that every time I think about her. She is such a beautiful girl, yet, some horrible people made her believe she's not. Her family is falling apart and she seems to be the only one who has some sort of an idea about the consequences. I can't remember if she's twelve or thirteen. RA reminds me of that too. She is the youngest in her family, yet she seems to be the wisest. Yet, her heart is vulnerable too and at times, she needs reminders that she is amazing, too. 

Last week, a very close friend refused to share some information with me. I felt like she doesn't trust me, in either if I can keep a secret, or solve a problem, or she was afraid I would increase the problem. This all happened subconsciously and it led me to do things that are completely unrelated, irrelevant, yet, very harmful. I did not think that she could have had other reasons. Maybe she did not want to worry me (which is what I have done to another very close friend many, many times!)? Maybe she thought that she could fix the problem herself because it was very insignificant? Maybe she felt like she needs to solve her own problems? Whatever it is - it does not necessarily reflect what she felt about me. But shaitan came between us and made me feel like that about her. And he made me do stupid things, only days before ramadan started. Alhamdulillah, I think she is an amazing person (again) and I hope I will remember this the next time a misunderstanding happens between us. 

I hope, the negative impacts I have on people are not seen as an effect of Islam. As I said, I am far from being a true Muslim most of the time. A Muslim is a responsible human being who is sensitive to other people's needs, the society's needs and wants, and God's commands. A Muslim is aware of the blessings she has. A Muslim is someone who tries to be a little bit of a better person with every step.

The following hadith is here to make me strong the next time I come and read this. No one has the power to guide, except God, no matter how much we cry. No one has the power to change hearts except Him. So, all I can do is pray for a change of heart, I can't change anything myself. 

In the Sahih, Ibn Al-Musaiyab has reported from his father:

When death approached Abu Talib, Allah's Messenger (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) came to him and found `Abdullah bin Abi Umaiyah and Abu Jahl in his company. The Prophet said, "O uncle, say: 'There is no true god except Allah', a word which will enable me to plead for you with Him." The two of them said, "Would you forsake the religion of (your father) 'Abdul  Muttalib?" The Prophet repeated (the request) and the two of them also repeated (their question). The final word of Abu Talib was about being on the religion of' Abdul-Muttalib and he refused to say: La ilaha ilIa-Allah. The Prophet (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) said, "But I shall continue to pray for your forgiveness as long as I am not prohibited to do so." It was then that Allah the Almighty revealed the verse: "It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe, to ask Allah's forgiveness for theMushrikin even though they be of kin." (9:113)

"Verily, you (O Muhammad) guide not whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided ones." (28:56)

Words that flowed out while coffee flowed in

I love my windows. I have three huge windows in my room, through which the sunshine bathes me every afternoon I can afford to be lazy. They let shadows play on my walls every night. They overlook layers and layers of the world. I also love my red umbrella. I found it again, after being apart from it for about three months, which felt like three years in my mind. I love my phone too. It fell and got scratched in about ten different places the other day. But I just can't seem to keep to my limits with it! I thought the $19 cap and the $8 messaging pack would be enough, but, apparently, its not. I need to reduce my love for it this Ramadan. And I need to stop my addiction of facebook too.

But I am very pleased to say that my days are becoming somewhat productive. Sometimes, I forget that swimming uphill is extremely difficult, and its very normal to be washed back by a huge wave, but I am trying to remind myself of that more and more often. Right now, I am hating most of my classes at university because my understanding is slowly becoming less and less clear. I need to work out a strategy and just dive into it. Text books are always good, but I think I need to find someone who will clearly explain things to me without that hidden grin that screams out 'I can't believe you don't get this!'. I mean, honestly, yes I do realise that you are smart but I can also see how arrogant you are, Mr T&Co!

Oh well... the world needs arrogant people too, to balance out the humble ones.

Last week, a loud thud woke me up from my deep train-sleep and when I looked down to see if I dropped my phone (again), I realised it was a magnifying glass. Turned out that the old man next to me was using it to read a thick comic book. I smiled at him broadly for brightening my morning, but I think he was too absorbed in his adventure!

Life is truly beautiful when you feel healthy. I am feeling that to my bones, literally. My sinuses hurt due to excessive sniffling. They are probably not just hollow cavities any more. And along with them - my eyes, nose, fingers and stomach are complaining. But I have a strong suspicion that my stomach ache resulted from having one and a half oregano pizzas. I had no choice! They were free!

While I was walking home in the rain, these words popped in my head. I started to sing like no one's around. No one was around.

Walking in the street lights
Bathing in the rain
I'll be glad to tell them my words
Dumping all my pains
In the street...

Etc.

Off to dinner!

And then

ifeellikewritinganothersongandidohaveanideainmyheadbutithinkipackedmygreenbookinwhichiwritemysongsandpoemsinandyoumayaskwhyiamwritinglikethiswellirecentlyfeellikeilovemywordsmorethantheemptyspacesbetweenthemandiwishallmyheartbrokenfriendswouldhavetheirheartsfixedverysoon.

I started to like Zain Bikha recently.

Bared soul

Sometimes, I feel like God made this world specifically for me. Every single thing has been put in their places to show me something, to help me through life. For the past few days, I have been feeling awful. My heart and my outward actions have not been aligned. I felt like the biggest hypocrite on Earth, hitting my lowest point and spreading a big smile on my face at the same time. I felt so ungrateful, yet, when time came to be grateful, I forgot about it. After what seems like a very, very long time, I truly hated myself.

I got up yesterday morning, I told myself, my life will have to be turned around. And I can do so. I listened to the Qur'an, went to Tajweed and Arabic classes, talked about interesting and useful matters with Sum. But when the test came, I failed.

I got up this morning, and said the same. I read Quran. (Oh, the Arabic lessons are paying off. I recognised quite a few words today. Including 'door' - which I never would be able to guess from common sense.) I fell asleep, even though I told myself I can't. I got out of the house at about 9.30 to fulfill my commitments. On the way, I saw a lady in a wheelchair. She was crossing the road with me. SubhanAllah, the distance that took her about 30 seconds to cross took me about 5. I could cut across the road, I could run if a car comes to close, I could cross in the bumpiest parts and easily reach the other side safely. She had to wait to cross in the low sections especially designated for crossing, she could only go as far as her machine would take her, and had to give much more effort to go across curves. At one point, we crossed together. And for the first time in days, I felt completely grateful. My heart melted at the thought of how perfect God has made my body. I often complain about it, but, in reality, it is truly perfect. I have no diseases, no disabilities, nothing. Alhamdulillah.

And then, on the same day, today, I talked to a few of my friends. They are all going through some troubled times, each with a different problem. And I was thinking about how great my life is compared to theirs. We are all humans, we all have shared something in common very recently, but, my life has been made so much better! I have left the pressure and uncertainity of HSC behind, I have a beautiful, healthy family who stick together, helping each other out whenever someone is in need, I have so much support around me. Alhamdulillah.

The thing is, I can complain as much as I want about pretty much anything. But when I look at the positive side of life, I can't find anything to complain about. Life is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. I hope I can fulfill the purpose of my creation. Otherwise, this beautiful life will be a complete waste. Pray, so that I can learn from my mistakes.

Ups and Downs

How do you define who you are? What if someone very close to you constantly defines you? Constantly tells you who you are and what you are? What if it contradicts what you think of yourself? What if both definitions slowly become one?

I would like to think that I do certain things because I like it and because its good for both the world and myself. I wish everyone else, especially my closest people, would think the same way.

On a more cheery note, I met a random girl on the train today. We both got on the train thinking that it'll stop in a certain stop (both, coincidentally, the same stop), however, it did not. Its amazing how you meet someone who lives a completely different life and start talking to them like you have known each other forever. At first, it began as just 'hey, does this train stop at...?', 'I think it does!', 'Oops it doesn't, but hey, we're going to the same place so we can change trains together!'. Then it went to names, background, siblings to thoughts on different aspects of life! And it turned out that she's my age too! I met another girl in a similar manner a few weeks back. We both finished our exams and were waiting at the bus stop. The bus didn't come for a long time so we were looking for new ways to get back to the station. And we ended up talking about a lot of things, half of which I can't remember. Except, I do remember that I thoroughly enjoyed both encounters and conversations.

'To live, is an awfully big adventure!' (Peter Pan)

Words are so powerful. They can put you down lower than you have ever imagined, yet, they can lift you up too, higher than you ever thought possible. Alhamdulillah, words can flow out of my fingers and put my heart to rest. Which reminds me: Did you know that God sent each prophet to each nation according to their strengths? The people of Jesus were strong in medicine, therefore, Jesus had healing powers. Arabs wrote beautiful poetry, therefore, the Qur'an is so eloquent in its words.

I must leave.

Blanket.

I am beginning to realise that my mother is right. I really need to be a tad more organised if I want to keep doing the thousand things I signed myself up for. Currently, I am learning a language twice a week, going to Tajweed classes twice a week, teaching about five kids, packing all my possessions, watching The Big Bang Theory and reading up on the list of things I wanted to read up on. On top of that, there are chores, sleep, food, friends and facebook. I plan to continue these when uni starts again, even though I have no idea how exactly I plan to do that. I started to use the calendar on my phone more efficiently, and that is as far as I went in terms of being organised. My hair has turned into strings and is beginning to fall off my head once again. I think its about time I used my expensive organic shampoo and co. They were bought when I was struggling financially (I am still struggling financially) [MA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THAT WAS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY] so I think I should put them to good use. Except, Sydney has turned into Antarctica and all I want to do is wrap myself in my blanket and sleep until winter ends. Also, we finally decided to go solar for heating our water. Although the sun rises everyday, clouds are not very timely in their affairs. The water can go cold without warning. Another reason to be wrapped in my blanket and sleep.

I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

I was checking who visited my blog today, and found that someone from France googled something and found a post of mine from 2006. I read the post again and had a few thoughts rush into my mind straight away. 2006 seems too long ago. This was during my first reform after having a bad fall of the soul, when I was trying to stuff my life with as many things as I could. It was also right after the Amin sisters got married, which seems like an awfully long time ago, since they currently have five whole kids between them. Daggers is now nearly at the end of her university course and earning regularly. Back then, she just finished her HSC.

I felt like editing some photos today, so I rummaged through some old photos, and found this. It was taken at the end of 2008 or at the beginning of 2009. I went to visit my grandmother around that time - I even spent my new years eve there! The four other people that lived there went to bed at 8 pm that night. The rest of the family left the village a few days earlier, leaving me behind so that I would have some quite time to 'study'. Of course I got nothing done! Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is, I don't know who these kids are. I just know that they live near my grandmother's place. And I was out with the camera one day and saw that they were playing. I forgot what they were playing. I forgot most of the details, except, when I told them that I want to take some photos, they became so happy! They were crowding around the camera and became very amazed that you can see the photo straight away! I know a lot of things will change the next time I see them. Maybe some of the girls would be married, the boys sent off  to work. But I do hope that I get to see them and share some of these memories.


And one night, it was full moon. It was so beautiful!

When the night has come,
And the land is dark,
And the moon is the only light we'll see...
No I won't be afraid..
Oh no.. I.. won't be a-fraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me!


Yes, I recently watched Stand By Me. It's a very cute movie, and it reminded me of books that I used to read as a child - Jafor Iqbal books. I also watched Peter Pan recently, and started missing my pretend worlds very much! It told me that I just have to think happy thoughts, and it will lift me up into the air. One of my many favourite quotes?
Wendy: My parents wanted me to grow up. 
Captain Hook: Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples. 


Sorry about the fuzziness, if fuzziness annoys you.


P.S: The full moon photo was taken by my wonderful sister!

Heart-shaped box

Dearest readers, 'tis my latest and possibly one of my corniest productions. It was written last night. In the past few days, a lot of people around me seemed to have broken it off or given the news to me of breaking it off with their previous significant other. This is a song for them. Its a bit of fun, not to be taken seriously. I do realise that songs about a 'you' have been written over and over again, thus, most of the words would seem borrowed from previous poets. Oh well - I still hope (yes, I am an optimist!) you enjoy the bunch of common words I've thrown together in a very familiar manner.

Verse:
When the sun shines through my mind
I know the day is one of a kind
'Cause the moon rose over the clouds last night
It made you seem as clear and bright
as my dreams.

I knew I couldn't touch you
I knew, though, everything seemed true
They were unreal, as much as you
You were making me feel, feel a little blue.

PRE-CHORUS:
So I cried, I cried last night
When nothing seemed alright
And the stars shone down on the sea
'Cause they couldn't bear shining on me.

CHORUS:
Baby,
Did you say, maybe?
Did you just make a promise to me?
I don't know yet,
If this is fate,
Or if you're a running a little late
for someone else.

Verse:
So when the sun shone through my mind today,
I knew you're just a memory, nothing more to say,
I lay on grass, watched the sky
And the clouds from last night passed me by.

CHORUS.

Dear, I thought I'd drop a line. The weather's cool. The folks are fine.

Even though the holidays started, it feels like I am not getting any time or space to breathe. I am currently packing my life of nine years into cardboard boxes, organising some holiday activities, being a friend to a friend who reminds me of myself, teaching a few kids, talking about problems, trying to fix some problems, cooking and cleaning. I love this life though. I never thought I would say this, but I actually enjoy being busy. It makes moments like this, in which I take some time off to reflect, much more precious.

I found so many things when I was cleaning out my papers. All those assignments from junior high, neatly completed exercise books and worksheets, 10/10s. Then my handwriting slowly turned into a runny mess, couplets or four-lined poems were found in between work, little thoughts hidden between pages. Folders and folders of collections of papers, worked solutions, essays. I don't want to give them away. They feel like pets that I have had for a very long time, things which need to go to a good owner, or not go at all. Its getting easier though, I am sorting and re-sorting things, throwing out things that I thought I would never part with. It feels like such a waste! All those years of work would soon be crushed to nothing.

There are so many things that we keep for our future generations. Its nice to imagine that our grandkids would go through our neatly written books one day and laugh at our silliness. They'll read my mistakes and triumphs and understand how human minds work, and how they should handle theirs. Isn't that why we record everything? To make our thoughts available for the future?

Whats the point, though? We'll all be dead one day, anyway. What guarantee is there that everything that we cherish will be cherished in the future? Why waste time and space to create something that probably won't be of any use later? Why can't we spend more time doing things that will be useful? Honestly, I look at the years of work now, and I am realising that they should have been thrown out right after they served their need. Keeping useless things for longer only increases attachment.

But I am finding many interesting things though. This is a page from one of my chemistry books from year 11. If you know the real song, you would realise that this is not it. I used to do crazy things like that. Change a few words from a certain song to make it suit better in my mind. For example, Beatle's Across the Universe always sounded better to me as 'words are flowing out like rain into my paper cups of pain' instead of 'words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup'.

I was talking to JP yesterday. She suggested that I read the wiki page of 'science'. I find her views quite interesting. She's an atheist, who, according to some, are 'too rational'. I think she's an amazing, talented human being. She showed me a bird that she drew free hand onto a white t-shirt, just for practice. I was stunned at what she can do in a few minutes. I shall write more about our conversation and point of views later, when I read her suggested wiki page.

That other friend of mine - AI - she's going through something which is a lot similar to what I went through in my senior years. School work, personal life, pressure, being lost about who you are - all of these just has to happen in the final year of schooling. I hated year 12, I really did hate it. I can say that now, because alhamdulillah (all praise is to God) I have seen so much better, so much more of life, discovered so much more of myself, after I finished HSC. The stress really isn't worth it. AI is also an amazing girl who just needs a little push to believe in herself. Her 17th birthday is coming up, and I really want to treat her with something rewarding.

I am also loving tutoring my kids now. I love the look in their eyes when they understand, I love their gratefulness, and I love seeing what they can do with a little encouragement. Alhamdulillah, all of my students are great kids, who can teach me a few life lessons as well.

I shall go and cook lau (bottle gourd, i think its called in english?) now. I told ma that I felt like cooking something, so she took this out of the freezer. I don't really like cooking conventional curry food, but, oh well. I want to make her happy. She makes me smile like the sun, fall out of bed (with her phone calls at 10 am), sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a sunday night. She makes me smile!

P.S: The title is from a Song called 'P.S I love you by Nelle McKay', which I heard from the movie 'P.S I love you'. Its an alright sort of movie. Its probably a great movie to cry over if you've just broken up with someone. It might be a funny movie to laugh at if you think overtly romantic things are ridiculous.

P.P.S: A few posts back, I wrote P.S.S instead of P.P.S. Only realised a few posts later!

P.P.P.S: 'P.S I love you' was actually originally by Billie Holiday. I knew I should've been born about 60 years ago!

dum di dum

Saturday morning

When it’s not raining

And the sun is out of its shell

My mind flutters

The words it utters

Make up a story to tell.

The words close my eyes

To reality’s lies

My dreams will suffice

To bring a new sunrise.

There goes another instant rhyme, put into a tune, since no one is around to hear it. By the way, I know that it is not Saturday. My exams finished on Saturday. Its Tuesday today.


I had a lot of plans before the holidays, and hopefully, I will start on those soon - possibly next week. I want to learn a bit more about the Palestine/Israel conflict, about the history of Islam since prophet Muhammad's (peace be upon him) death and about the two concepts that Islam and the west have major problems right now: Jihad and Hijab. Hopefully, I will regularly update my thoughts on these matters. If you have an opinion (based on solid sources, not on prejudice and presumptions), please feel free to comment. If you have any suggestions for a starting point, feel free to comment too!