Goodbye naughties, welcome to niceness!

As I write this, fireworks are being released all around. And its only 9.12 pm. I'm yet to write down my new year's resolution, but I do have some in my head. I'm a little weary of fulfilling my resolution of 'create to-do lists and actually cross things off!' because I wrote down 9 things to do today at the beginning of today and only got 1 done. Oh well. New year = newness = start over = hope!

What have I done this year? Well, I have successfully completed 13 years of education! I have turned 18 and managed not to drink, smoke (few puffs from cousins at 14 don't count. I didn't know smoking was haram back then.), graffiti or vote. I actually maintained a calendar - one of the few things I did regularly! I wrote a lot of diary entries, blog posts, typed thoughts in MS Word and Notepad - possibly more than any other year. I've learnt that I can pull people closer and push them away too. I've written half of a really good song that I still intend to send to Dawud Wharnsby. I've made, broken and remade some huge decisions. I've learnt to cook things that make people smile, in a good way. And I have nearly made it through a year full of confusion!

Things I wish to achieve by the end of 2010:
1. Fitness
2. Taking responsibility for my own actions
3. Compartmentalising my thoughts

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful year. I hope it is filled with happiness and light. I hope you hurt at least one less person. I hope you smile at least once more. I hope you will make an effort to make the world a little bit cleaner, happier and better. And I pray to God I can do these too.

28th October - extra thoughts - 2

My view of life is quite simplistic. It only lasts a lifetime, which, when thought about, can seem like only a few seconds. So I figured, there is no need for complex logic to prove the complexity of life, and no use of philosophising moments that will leave us in a moment. Of course, I often can’t stick to my view of life, for several reasons eg: my teenage age, HSC (by the time I post this it will be overrrr!), my erratic personality (possibly, a result of being a teenager and undergoing HSC) and my obsession with dreaming.

28th October - extra thoughts

Wow.

Whao.

I can’t believe what I just read. It just disoriented my thoughts gathered for the past eight months, thoughts that were biased because I was looking through the rose tinted glass of those certain surreal months. There were thousand weak moments in which I reconsidered and regretted making certain decisions, even though I knew, for the time being, they are the right decisions. Of course, they only lasted a moment, yet, there were a thousand of them.

I guess there are more selfish people than me in this world. I am grateful to not be stuck around such selfish people, who, probably would have changed a little, but who would also change me. Time goes by so fast, I would not realise how much I missed out on until those wrinkles loosen my skin. By that time, I would have probably been depressed and regretful for passing a whole life time without seeking or finding the true meaning of living. I would realise that illusions lived on for a whole lifetime is in fact no more than a second long.

Therefore, I am glad it’s over.

I started reading ‘In the shade of the Qur’an’ by Sayyid Qutb, which I was inspired to try after reading some of ‘Way to the Qur’an’ by Khurram Murad, which is a collection of incredibly beautiful thoughts. InshaAllah, I will finish the latter and actually get somewhere with the former after HSC. In the introduction, Qutb lists some verses of the Qur’an, which I thought would be a good reminder to me from time to time. So, I printed them on coloured paper and stuck them right on top of my monitor. Sadly, I haven’t looked at them much while I procrastinated throughout stuvac and HSC. Anyway, here they are:

It may well be that you hate a thing which is good for you, and love a thing although it is bad for you. God knows, whereas you do not know. (2:216)

Satan promises you poverty and bids you to commit indecency while God promises you His forgiveness and bounty. God is Munificent, All-Knowing. (2:268)

Whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him ain a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees. (65:2-3)

God does not change a people’s condition unless they first change what is in their hearts. (13:11)

And so, I am reminded and made thankful, yet again, for those thousand moments in which I decided to disregard my love for a thing which is bad for me.

I don’t know who reads my blog any more so I stopped writing for others. In the beginning, it was Nira & Co, the group of alive, innocent, dreaming, muslim, bengali, single, young girls. My fourteen year old mind had not tainted much, thus, my thoughts were recounts of everything-that-happened-the-whole-day. Occasionally, I posted poems that were written out of an urge to rhyme instead of an urge to express my feelings, since I could not often feel what I wrote. Slowly, Nira & Co disintegrated into married, practical parents with not enough time or energy to dream and/or express those dreams. Thus, my readers shifted to Emu, and occasionally, my sister. Then my family started to read me, followed by people who I wanted to convince that life isn’t actually that bad, followed by school friends. Without realising it, I constantly changed my patterns for the people who read my blog. From now on, I will write for myself. If you are convinced that my views are reasonable, go ahead and think about them. If you think I am ridiculous, feel free to do so.

Pages of my mind - 2

21.10.09

Since I woke up at 5.15 pm, Guy Sebestian’s ‘Like That’ has been hammering inside my head. The worst part is, I only know one line – I’m the only one that can love you like that. So this line has been driving me crazy, until a few moments ago. Now Guy is replaced by Cat – Hard Headed Woman. He says ‘I’m looking for a hard headed woman’, then echoes ‘headed woman, headed woman’. Also, I circled the rash in my hand and went to show my sister. She drew an arrow and wrote, ‘Rational’.

28.10.09

I don’t think I went very well in mathmatics extension 1.

But I think I went worse in extension 2. I’m not sure how I should feel right now. Regret? Depressed? Relieved? I’m not exactly sure how I feel either. I think all of those have amalgamated into a blob of gooey darkness.

English was OK.

Chemistry is in 4 days and economics in 6. I loathe economics. But I have to get myself to sit down and convince myself that after these 6 days, if I want to, I will not have to hear another economic term ever again.

Ironically, ‘Lucky’ is playing itself over and over in my head.

The computer just asked me: Are you sure you want to send ‘tmrw’ in the recycling bin?


06.11.09

Well, HSC is finally over! Its 12.20 am, 6th November, 2009 – The day which my calendar is marked as ‘ITS OVER!’ I thought this day would not exist in my memory because it would be spent sleeping. Well, its 20 minutes after midnight and I do not feel a speck of sleep sitting on my eyes. I’m enjoying this freedom – I am finally free of quite a few social constraints. No, I am not partying until 2 am, drunk and disorderly, then, sleep on God-knows-what/who. But I still am enjoying this concept called life, which I got back exactly 12 hours ago. I was listening to Anjan, surrounded by text books and papers that desperately needs a new home. Now, I’m listening to ‘bubbly’. This song brings back memories, just like every other song in my playlist. The funny thing with songs are that they can make you homesick for a certain emotion, regardless of the situation that emotion has been felt in. For example, in year 7, I remember doing my assignments while listening to Orthohin. Now every time I listen to them, I feel stressed and excited at the same time, because that’s exactly what I felt those times. I think my brain stopped functioning now, which is a good sign, because it means I’m sleepy.

I know I am childish and immature. Is that a reason to be worried? Well, I’m only 18, I am not doing anything wrong and I happen to love and enjoy my life a little differently. I like enjoying little things, like stopping to look at an old red car in the rain, or curling up in my blanket and daydreaming. I also like writing (mostly about myself), reading (mostly about other people’s personal thoughts), taking photos and sharing all of these with unknown people. Is there anything wrong with that?

Oh well. Who cares. Its my life. When I waste it, its my right to decide the way I want to waste it.

Pages of my mind - 1

23.05.09

Oh yes, it’s another day. Another lazy Saturday – the day I sit with my books in front of me and daydream about sleep. The day I plan to get a lot of things done, get nothing done and feel depressed about getting nothing done. My ranting seems to fall short nowadays. I have no idea why. It’s not as if I am studying a lot or doing a lot in general. I just can’t be bothered to think. I prefer sleep over everything else.

25.05.09

Something is definitely wrong with me. I thought I was very set on medicine and I thought that eventually I would start studying for it. I am already at the end of May and yet I am not doing ANYTHING. I am sitting here and procrastinating with minesweeper. Can’t I at least come up with something better? I have an economics essay due tomorrow, along with some notes, AND I have a debate tomorrow. My maths extension 1 exam is next week, extension 2 the week after and economics and English the week after. I am not doing anything. I was supposed to try hard and up my ranks, but what am I doing? NOTHING! At this rate, I might as well drop out of school and start working in Woolworths. I am a despicable child.

08.06.09

Its 3.35 AM in the morning; I have papers all around me, in the midst of which a dirty coffee cup, mandarin peels and a half eaten pear lies; I have an excruciating stomach ache because of an upset stomach from all the junk food from yesterday; I have so many things to do that I don’t think my last minute ‘evenly paced work with breaks’ would be enough.

30.07.09

There is seven days till the trials and I have not done much. I have to get down and dirty unless I want to be depressed for a long, long time. lamz, do not waste time, do do do things. Who cares about what anyone else thinks or feels? Who cares what you think anyone else thinks or feels? Who you are and who you want yourself to be is a much, much more important thing to worry about.

03.08.09

Bhayiun eto, eto bhalo keno?

09.08.09

Alhamdullillah, English Paper 1 went alright. I know it was all because of Allah, and if I miraculously get a good mark, it’ll all be because of Allah. Comprehension can go both ways because I don’t know if I made my points clear enough. I don’t even know if I had clear points. My story – I think it’s a good story, all due to everyone else’s idea – anther miracle. But I did not really relate it to the stimulus, so it can go both ways too. I don’t think I had good words in my essay but I think I addressed the question well. So with Allah’s miracle, I can get a good mark.

But I still have English paper 2, economics, maths extension 2, chemistry and maths extension 1 left. I still haven’t finished analysing ‘Mother Who Gave Me Life’. I need to do that, and then I need to memorise all the analysis tomorrow. After writing it today, I need to learn all my eco notes. Tomorrow I need to fix up chemistry and both days I need to do a little more maths extension 2. I must must must get around to doing it. So many things to do, so little time. Allah, please please please help me!!

10.08.09

Realistically, I can’t do that well in my economics exam, I know that. Maybe improve my rank 2/3 spots, get it back to half yearlies rank? I need to go through the theory today and tomorrow, know a few facts here and there. If I can answer all the multiple choice and short answer questions, and maybe get a 12/13 in the essays, it should be good enough inshaAllah. I really need Allah’s miracle. Chemistry – I don’t have any time to study for it until the day before the test. So I need to make sure that I know all the theory then too. Allah, please let me at least stay average in Chemistry! InshaAllah English would be good. I need to memorise, by heart, the analysis so that I can write it perfectly tomorrow. Maths should be ok too, with Allah’s help. I need to fix myself up in Ramadan. Get back. Get back to Allah.

Preference today: complete analysis, memorise by heart, look over other essays. See how you can write intro and conclusion. After that, eco as much as you can.

I can feel my heart going cold.

18.08.09

I just finished reading ‘The Incurable Matchmaker’. It’s a really cute novel, romance wise it nears Gone With the Wind. Although there was not much story to it, it was one of the most cosy romantic sweet warm book I’ve ever read. Along with Gone With the Wind and Twilight.

Maths Ext 1 tomorrow. Allah please help me!


25.09.09

There are two people that have stepped in and on my life in the past, whose successes make me writhe in anger and failures bring a smile. I met both last year and I do not intend to keep contact with them in the years to follow. The worst part is, I know that they are wrong in so many aspects of their lives but I can’t prove it or show it simply because they are better than me in schoolwork. And that, apparently, measures all ‘successes’. I tried so hard to transcend beyond the negative feelings but failed miserably. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

HSC is 25 days away and I know that I cannot possibly perform better than either of them. A greater ‘success’ in this world is the only way to hurt them, and I know I don’t have the ability to do that any more. Right now, I just want to finish school, get out of their zone of proximity, get away from their vain ideas about life and live my own. Why does it matter if I can’t get 97+? It’s a very, very insignificant part of life if life is considered as a whole.

These two people – its amazing how my perception of them changed so quickly. I used to consider them close in the beginning, then their insolence, or maybe the realisation that I’ve been ignorant, started to seep bitterness into our friendship. They themselves probably do not have a clue. I tend to do this to people. I open up to the wrong people, then get hurt and completely shut myself out. Then I bottle up all of my emotions in my heart until it bursts one day. Then apologise for the sudden outburst, and then continue to live as if nothing has ever happened between us. I don’t know how to get rid of this vice.

Am I paranoid? Maybe.

If you become doctors, please don’t cut your patients the way you cut me. Please get rid of your shell of pretentious love, lack of understanding and the barrel of ignorance from inside you.

Did I mention that I still hate you?

01.10.09

Ma,

I love you.

13.10.09

I can’t look at water through a normal person’s eyes any more. I tipped my bottle of water for fun (don’t judge, I’m doing my HSC), and I thought. ‘Oh look! The molecules are rolling over each other!’

I feel sorry for myself too. But it will be over in 20 days. I love the number twenty now. And tomorrow I will love nineteen.

Amongst the angst that the Horrible Savage Creation is causing me, I am loving my life. The morning coffee of concentrated coffee particles releases that chemical that causes the fight-or-flight response and my heart starts going ballistic. Then I remember that there are only a few days left and I smile to myself. There is a particular satisfaction involved when you are smiling and your heart is thumping a little too loud. It feels like love.

Except, I am not allowed to love anything except the 20 days for the next 20 days.

But there’s still a lot of love created everyday with the coffee. Feel free to take some.

Unfinished train of thought - 1

Title: If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real.
Date Modified: Thursday 1 October 2009, 9.22 PM

The fuzzy feeling in my brain that was created after reading Twilight in Year 9 has not been altered since. Neither has changed the fascination after reading Angels and Demons. I am afraid to read these favourite books a second time, because I am quite sure that I would not have the exact same feelings ever again. I can only wistfully stare at them. I have experienced the decline of strong emotions over and over again with many of my other favourite books. Looking For Alibrandi or Nightshade does not make my heart beat any faster nor does it seem desirable to be in the main characters’ positions. Shatkahon has lost its magic too, merely because I read certain parts so many times that the change it brought within me the first time I read it seem quite distant.
But the book that I would least like to read again is 2nd on my list of favourites: Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, even though that’s my main self selected text for Belonging! Although I am disappointed that the amazement, awe and depression that surfaced in my mind after reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close can never be recreated, that is not the main reason why I am afraid to pick it up again. I think it’s because I don’t want to put myself through the intense depression a second time. It came over me as soon as I started to read it, anytime, anywhere. It’s so full of truisms that I had to agree with everything that Foer had to say, making the situation worse. At that time, I related Oskar with a friend of mine who has been through clinical depression, making his problems seem even more real. I have been recommending this book to anyone and everyone I can get my hands on, but I have not thought about the effects that it had on me. Its overtly cynical look at life is extremely unhealthy to any person’s mind if they are not strong. Lately I have started to realise that its not really important to state the truths in life. We all know them. What’s more important is to try to fix the ugly truths. More important is that secret stash of energy that keeps a person rise every morning, looking forward to life. Appreciating what we have is more important and so much more satisfying than wallowing over what we lack.
I think this feeling of despair comes with excessive materialism. From personal experience, I have seen that whenever I plunge into the world, trying to grab what I can to fill up my world in my little box, I suffocate in a sinking feeling. It’s sort of like the feeling you get an hour after eating a bar of chocolate. The satisfaction is perfect, but it only lasts a few moments.
It can also come with the wrong kind of ‘immaterialism’. Most people confuse ‘happiness found in a higher state of living’ with being a loser.

What not to do during your HSC year

(I found this amongst all the other junk in My Documents. Date Modified: Sunday 4th October 2009, 7:07 PM)

1. Play solitaire.
2. Invent useless theories.
3. Leave homework undone, no matter how insignificant or unimportant it is.
4. To not have a sense of direction.
5. To not have a plan.
6. To have a plan, but not follow it.
7. Keep saying to yourself, ‘Don’t worry, there’s still the trials’ or ‘Don’t worry, there’s still HSC’ or ‘Don’t worry, there’s still 6 weeks till results come out.’

dates that only know how to go up

Reasons why anyone would want to watch bollywood movies:

- They are incredibly ridiculous, hence, they are incredibly funny.
- They build up an ideal image of couples, houses in developed countries, couples living in houses in developed countries and all things related to love.
- They make you think that indians always wear colourful and beautiful clothes.
- They give the impression that all lovers know how to sing and dance. So, if you don't know how to sing, or dance, or any of them, just fall in love!
- The simultaneous ridiculousness and sweetness makes you want to cry.

Well, that is the conclusion I have come to after watching Chalte Chalte. Its a love story (of course!). Raj and Priya meet accidentally and Raj falls in love. Priya refuses. Raj insists. Priya slowly falls in love. She fights off a marriage and marries Raj. They start having problems. Tears. Tears. Tears. Romance. Tears. Tears. Priya is about to leave. Raj stops her at the airport. Tears. Tears. Love. And in between all of those, there are some well choreographed songs that would be totally awesome if they happened spontaneously in real life!

All jokes aside, I think this movie carries a very serious message. Two people can't start living together because they think they've fallen in love at first sight. Do people do that in this day and age, I hear you ask? I don't think its a hard thing to do, just like every other stupid and wrong decisions we take in life. I think the main thing for two people to live together is to have the same thing as their top priority. For example, if a musician's (lets say, G) top priority is to see and portray the beauty she sees in the world around him, her counterpart (B?) can't be someone who's top priority is to make money. B might make some very stupid decisions that will leave G hurt and depressed, e.g.: destroy the rainforest in their backyard to build corporate buildings. You might say, that its not as black and white. What if B respects G's decisions and builds a nature reserve instead? Well, if the nature reserve brings in less money than those corporate buildings, then, that proves that B's top priority is to keep G happy, not to make money. And if it doesn't, well, sir, I think I just proved my point!

Anyway, Raj and Priya get back together at the end of the movie. That's why its a Bollywood film, not a snippet from real life.

The next movie I want to watch is Pretty Woman. 2 reasons: I've wanted to watch it & its on YouTube. I'm at a major disadvantage when it comes to living up to the motto: A movie a day, keeps boredom away. You see, I'm the youngest and the most irresponsible child in our family. I am the child who receives the most amount of love, food and care and protection. Yet, I'm also the child who's stuck with an eight year old PC, infected with viruses, and left with no way of downloading and installing applications. My account is not an admin and my dearest brother for the admin password, because it has been THAT long since he had used this computer. As a result, I can't use the normal websites or even download limewire to watch movies.

Anyway, quick updates:

- A is going overseas in a week!
- SB is coming here in 3 months!
- Uni starts in 3 months.
- My ATAR was neither awesome nor awful. Thank God it wasn't awful!
- Driving when you are the only person in the car feels incredibly exhilarating.
- Working with a balance between reason and emotions is beautiful.
- I think taff is extremely funny. Don't know if she actually has a low self esteem, or if its just a part of the sarcasm, but here you go taff, if you ever see this, smile!
- The heat is making my brain boil.
- Melbourne and the LC was fun.
- Debating/discussing/arguing/whatever -you-want-to-call-it with people is fun, especially when you know what you are talking about.
- I know my picture doesn't really match my post, but I guess both are random enough to be matched!

Windows open freeze dreams in the head

I thought this one would be my 100th post, but according to my dashboard, I've already written it. So, Sadly, this is my 101st post. I guess 101 is good enough. At least its a palindrome!

I'm not feeling very well today. Emotionally and physically, I am feeling burdened down. Of course, I brought this upon myself. The Melbourne trip and the LC caused a lot of sleeplessness, and I can't sleep during the night now. I think I've also caught some sort of virus. I had weird dreams last night, and I kept waking up.

And my spirit was heightened by the same things that caused all the physical tiredness. But I didn't try hard enough to keep it up.

Anyway, its nearly midday and I'm tired. I should go clean up. I was looking to download Dawud Wharnsby songs. I came across one that matches my current state word by word.

I'm trying to find some place to breathe,
But I'll just skip that for now.
You're phoning, talking, emailing, knocking me down.
How long should I stay around?

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze me out of bed.
And it's leaving me crazed, emotions flail with no warning,
And I'm watching someone else move into my head.

I'm trying to find the right time to leave,
But I'll, just skip lunch for now.
Lonely and closed and I think we all know why.
Should I give up before you start to try?

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze dreams in the head.
And it's leaving me crazed, emotions flare with no warning,
And I'm watching someone else move into my bed.

And it's leaving me tired and I'm warning.
Windows open freeze my hands on the ledge.
And it's leaving me sad that you just can�t see the morning.
And I'm watching each night fall now, upon edge.

I'm trying to find the right time to leave,
But I'll stare out the window for now.
You're sleeping there still so unaware.
I'm getting dressed without a sound.

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze me out of bed.
And it's leaving me dazed, and I reflect on the warning,
As I'm watching someone else move into my bed.
Move into my head.
Move into my bed.


Ugh. Need some time to sort myself out.

Imsomniac stars and a little bit of confusion

The day is beautiful.

The sky isn't blue, but its filled with different shades of clouds. The songs that are playing aren't exactly happy, but they are not sad either. I think they give you a sense of nostalgia, even if there is nothing to feel nostalgic about. I'm listening to three songs from Antaheen. Who knew a movie could make you cry so much? The only thing that's in my head right now is: 'What is it about you that has commandeered by brain?' You have to admit, the movie was good, even excellent, but not perfect. I'm sure I have seen movies that dug deep inside me before. So what's different about this one?

The camera work is awesome, as usual with movies made in Kolkata, I assume. The songs have very sweet lyrics with serene imagery. Even though its morning and the sun is shining ever so brightly through the clouds, these lines are still appealing to me:

আমার ভিনদেশী তারা একা রাতেরই আকাশে,
তুমি বাজালে একতারা আমার চিলেকোঠার পাশে।
ঠিক সন্ধ্যা নামার মুখে,
তোমার নাম ধরে কেও ডাকে!
মুখ লুকিয়ে কার বুকে তোমার গল্প বল কাকে?
আমার রাত জাগা তারা তোমার অন্য পাড়ায় বাড়ি,
আমার ভয় পাওয়া চেহারা,আমি আদতে আনাড়ি!

In fact, most of the songs in the movie have imageries of night time. Maybe that's why they are so serene?

My mum called as soon as the movie finished. I was in the middle of a very emotional turmoil and I was crying like there is no tomorrow. So I was a tad bit irritated when she told me to stop watching movies and do all those chores she left me. Well of course I couldn't explain that this wasn't just any movie, its the movie that forced a lot of tears out of my gland, possibly in a way that would never happen again with any other movie. I know that she's worried. I don't know about what exactly. But I'm sure parents worry about their children unless they are perfect. And I am definitely very far away from perfect.

The thing is, the whole movie was alright. It only became special at the end. I won't mention what happens, just in case you are reading this and haven't watched it, but intend to watch it. I guess it was the anticipation. The fact that the realisation hit her just before the final moment. It sounds very cliched, but you have to see it to feel it. Then there was the regret that they were a little too late in the realisation. That's enough to drive anyone to depression!

I think I need to take some time off. Some time without any written thoughts, constant music that I'm hardly listening to and other people. Some time off junk food. Some time to reconnect. I keep talking without meaning a word. What's the point anything that doesn't have weight?

Things I need to do:
- Finish writing the song
- Finish LC HW + some other organisational stuff
- Get back to the pursuit of creating the new and improved me


আমার আকাশ দেখা ঘুড়ি,
কিছু মিথ্যে বাহাদুরি,
আমার চোখ বেধে দাও আলো,
দাও শান্ত শীতল পাটি,
তুমি মায়ের মতো ভালো,
আমি একলা পথে হাটি।

Tell me if you hear me falling

This Eid was both fun and frustrating.

It was fun because I wore sari every single day and dressed up to my heart's content. I also got the satisfaction of watching people eat my sticky date pudding. And the general vibe of Eid was always present - the feeling of excitement, happiness, love and perfection. We went out as a family every single time, as we always do. Bhayiun even took us through the IMO carwash, since we've never been through it as a family, and allowed us to enjoy the artificial heavy rain! We went to people's places and hung for quite a while, instead of the usual five minutes of Eid visits.

The frustration arose from the fact that we left the house at awkward times - every single time! We kept missing people who wanted to come over for a visit and kept on knocking on doors of people who weren't home. As a result, a lot of our time was spent driving around in the streets. It was a waste of driving around, since I didn't get to drive. And I was wearing a sari the whole time, and I hate moving around in saris! I just like sitting and taking photos, or maybe gracefully gliding from one end of the house to another.

I was listening to New Moon's soundtrack - Possibility by Lykke Li. Did they form the band just to sing that song? Anyway, its a nice song, the lyrics is not extremely well written, but the overall song carries a melancholy tone. I like this part:

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know.

It makes me nostalgic. I don't know why.

My ears are hurting from three days of earrings. I think its mainly from the huge ones I was wearing on the first day. I don't know if I can ever wear those again. Such a waste of money and beauty!

I hate feeling like I am not good enough for something or someone. And there's always certain people who make me feel that way, of course, they don't realise it! I guess that's why I like perfection when it is not my rival. This is definitely not a good sign, because it means I don't have a great attitude towards learning. When people welcome differences and competition, they open themselves up to challenges. I hate doing it, therefore I don't. I should really change my attitude, ASAP!

On a brighter note, the stars are twinkling tonight. They really do look like fireflies, stuck in one place. Apuni was looking at the stars with me, and she said, some stars are there one moment, and the next moment they aren't.

The best part of painting nails is that you get to scrape them off whenever and wherever you want.

p.s.: The sky is unusually clear tonight!

Not really worth a read

Its 5:19. Not much happened in the last twenty four hours.

I woke up at six o' clock today and painted the nails on my left hand red. I finally figured that two coats of nail polish is what you are supposed to put. Then I read a bit more of Wives and Daughters by Elizabeth Gaskell and fell asleep on the way.

Apuni pointed out that I have a talent for following instructions. Hence, I can bake. In fact, I thought its probably the only thing I can do. Of course, as always, my thoughts were proved wrong. As I was pouring the topping on the sticky date puddings and contemplating on why it took so long to boil and why its not looking right, I realised I forgot to add butter to it. So now its more like a watery substance than a topping. And its for Eid. And there's four of them. x(

I also stuffed up my mango trifle by getting too excited with the allspice. I probably sprinkled half the jar in it. All that time and effort spent behind stirring the custard has probably gone down the drain. x(

Then there is the fact that I am trying to be nice to more people. Its harder than it looks, because often, when one feels like breaking another's neck, its hard to keep smiling and nodding.

Its Eid tomorrow. Sadly, a lot of people don't seem to be in the mood for it. My mum was telling us that a little boy in her class didn't even know what or when it is even though he is a Muslim and attends an Islamic School! I am so glad that our parents have always kept it exciting for us.

In fact, I'm glad that I was born into a family like mine - for everything. I really, really am. For reasons that I keep mentioning over and over again and for reasons that cannot be mentioned publicly.

I think I had loads to say but I can't really find my words.

And I'm really, really sleepy.

Flutterbying Days

Flutterby
Originally uploaded by Mirar_Mirror

I have finally learnt how to bake sticky date pudding. Well, technically, I still have about forty minutes to decide if I really learnt it or not, but I'm still allowed to be excited! If everything goes well, inshaAllah, you can come over during Eid to taste the heavenly pudding. According to the recipe, this one makes enough for eight people. And we have enough dates for four of these recipes - so the first thirty two would be the lucky (or unlucky, depending on my luck today) ones!

By the way, just for the record, EMU, if you ever come across this, this is for you. I forgot to record your memorable dream in my last update, even though you dreamt before that. I shan't describe it here, since the thought is a little bit ugh. But its still worth a lot of LOLs. So here you go, this is for you: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL...... LOL LOL LOL.

And the sky is beautiful again! No more November rains to blow out our candles.

I have been thinking about Dawud Wharnsby, Kimya Dawson and Anjan Datta for a while, since they have an uncanny similarity in stating the truth. The difference between the first and the others is that Dawud is restrained by the use of logic and reasoning in his expression of feelings, whereas, Kimya and Anjan are not. Personally, this places him higher in my list of respectable human beings than the other two. He knows that emotions do not rule the world, nor should they. If everyone stated what they felt like whenever they felt like it, sustainable living would not exist. Anyway, words really do not mean much until they are translated into actions, so, I am not against KD and AD (as it may seem from the last few sentences). But I do hate it when people let their emotions rule themselves completely in the real world.

Of course, sometimes, it cannot be helped. But there must be a balance between reason and emotions. (And yes, I sometimes behave like I am yet to gain this knowledge. :[)

My sticky date pudding is nearly done and it smells like it should be. So that's a good sign. But I do have a habit of ruining things at the last moment, so nothing can be said for sure yet.

An exciting update: I am wearing a blue sari for Eid! Its not new and its not mine, but its beautiful. I do have a new outfit, which was reserved for this Eid before last Eid, but I remember not liking it very much. And why would I pass a chance to wear sari?

Aniqa, do I sound more curry than the last time you talked to me?

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead

Its another cloudy day in this side of the world. Which is a relief, because the heat from the past few days probably has been enough to jack up global warming by a mile. I had a shower at 6 pm last night, when it was nearly dark outside, when everything is supposed to cool down, yet, two seconds later, I started wishing I never got out of the shower. I dug up the thinnest, most comfortable, yet not-so-vulgar piece of clothing I could find and put it on. Then sat in front of the air conditioner and ate my feelings (towards heat) away.

So naturally, I found it hard to wake up today, as you do on all cloudy mornings. Also because I knew I had to vacuum the whole house properly so that my sister can mop. Why would anyone do that on a Monday morning? No I'm not just bored because there's no HSC to entertain me any more. Eid is in four days, and our dear mother, as organised as she is, wants the house cleaned four days early. Personally, I prefer cleaning the night before for anything because the house stays clean the next day. Anyway, half way through vacuuming, the vacuum cleaner stopped working. And then we discovered that the mop bucket was broken. Fixing those problems took about two whole hours away from our precious lives. Then I vacuumed, and felt a great sense of satisfaction upon finishing the arduous task.

Right now, I'm talking to Marisa. And I just found out she cut her own bangs, which is depressing, because it looks good. I also cut my own bangs, but, I look horrible when they stay as they are supposed to stay. My sister thinks it was an act of a thirteen year old, since it was a result of anger. Oh well. I really would not have minded having a bad hair month, except for the fact that Eid is in four days and it would be one of the only times when my hair is viewable by more than four people. But I figured I can comb it in a certain way to make it look like a short side fringe. It still looks bad.

I finally watched the end of Music and Lyrics! The first time I started watching it was at the end of year 10, when I couldn't really hear a word because everyone else was too excited about everything else. And every time I wanted watch it after that, I always had to stop about half way through - for one reason or another! Anyway, I'm in love with Way Back into Love right now.

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

Yeah. I really like guitars.

That is all the updates I had up my sleeves.

ps: It was raining so hard about five minutes ago I couldn't resist. So I went and jumped in the rain. I'm still young at heart!

Anyway.

I was cleaning junk today and I found these:
- a red glass bangle snapped into two pieces
- a pair of sandals that I broke after many years of being under my feet
- several broken watches
- my old pink alarm clock
- baba's old watch and glasses
- 2007 and 2008 calenders, with scribbles all over them
- crayons
- tapestry of a hot air balloon done in year six
- photos of primary school teachers
- stuff I wrote in 2006
- postcards
- instant tattoos, a library bag and a bookmark won in a readathon many years ago
- shells
- pretty stones
- poems written on scrap paper
- a pen with a frog end
- colourful, bouncy balls
- plastic bracelets
- 2 wrappers of chocolate that I received from a very good friend
among many other junk. It took me about four to five hours to decide what to keep and what to chuck. I wanted to keep everything - everything, forever!

Many things are getting on my nerves lately. I think its the heat.

I baked a chicken and potato bake today, taking up about two precious hours of my busy, busy life. Now we must share it with unexpected guests.

Anyway.

When I sway, I sway easily

Its called ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ for a reason. Charlie merely observes everything that happens around him, most of which are depressing, disappointing turns our society has taken. There are no conclusions, only statements. It leaves one quite confused and wondering. I am about half way through the book and I honestly do not feel like reading any further. Charlie’s pathetic life in his pathetic world is depressing me. I hate the way fictional characters rule my mind so easily. It keeps happening over and over again, and I keep reminding myself to read/watch/listen to creations that would positively influence me in one way or another. Once I get into this cycle of reading/watching/listening-depression, it’s very hard to get out of. It doesn’t give me space to think because the thoughts of the characters fill my mind. From that point of view, they are no different to real people around me.

I get influenced by my friends beyond the extent of an average person. When I surround myself with innocence and wisdom, I can feel my soul automatically elevating in quality. When I am around people whose lives are covered in uncorrected mistakes, I can feel my soul slipping into blackness. Cynics may call this ‘naivety’ and ‘inability to accept modernity’. But I call it ‘human nature’.

That is the reason why I am not even considering taking Psychology in university. If you open up a door in front of me, and tell me its wrong to go down that path yet a lot of people have done so, I will probably end up trying it. So I try not to open up those unwanted doors. I try to stay ignorant of the thousands of invented mental diseases and challenges of ‘modernity’. Of course it doesn’t work all the time. I am quite immature and so I still haven’t learnt to deal with a lot of things I come across. I cannot accept them because I know they are wrong, yet I cannot reject them because of curiosity.

That’s why I love chivalry and protectiveness in men. I would rather let him firmly take my hand and lead me into happiness than walk beside him and walk through the wrong door. I would rather have him close all of those doors than letting me look through one. I would rather live on ‘wisdom is the refinding of innocence’ than ‘crash and burn’ all the time.

Tomorrow, I will pick up that beige book I wanted pick up for a long time. I will hold it close to my heart and read it with my heart. I will pay attention to every word. I will make sure that the best companion always stays my companion, inshaAllah.

Aimless, Wandering days

I drove for two hours and fifteen minutes today!

I also learnt how to park, enter into our narrow driveway, check the mirrors and the speed while driving and to ignore ignorant P-platers who strongly believe they are the best drivers in the world. I'm beginning to realise that I am not as good a multi-tasker as I thought I was. I often make simple stupid mistake while staring at a red car, or a horse, or something else. However, I think I really do love driving. But of course, I'm on my fourth day - I should probably wait until my fourth year to really decide!

I am about a third of my way through Perks of a Wallflower. I am beginning to enjoy feeling depressed while reading it, mainly because of 'the book's treatment of drugs, homosexuality, sex, and suicide', as described in wikipedia. Although these are realities for many, I live in a sheltered world (for which I'm of course thankful for!) without the rampancy of problems related to these issues. As a result of this, (also 2 years of intense analysis faced in English!), I am constantly trying to analyse why they are happening. As a result, my brain is in a constant tangle.

I am listening to 'Asleep' by The Smiths, mainly because Charlie keeps talking about it. This song is depressing too, possibly because its a song about death. Charlie also refers to many other songs, as well as novels and films, all of which I'd like to try, mostly because I liked the ones I read/watched. Now I'm listening to 'Something' by The Beatles, which is also a song that Charlie talks about, and quite liking it!

My straty group is having a special dinner tonight, which probably ended by now. It would've been fun to go, instead of sitting at home all night. But I suppose its a valid excuse that the distance between my house and the restaurant cannot be covered in one night. I'm catching up with them tomorrow anyway, back at the old Gloria Jeans.

I was supposed to start to clean up my life as soon as HSC ended. I still haven't started.

Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday - III

My text message clearly says that I planned to be at school 'around 9ish', yet, for some reason, Fran saw that as '11'. Oh well. So here I am, blogging, when I have nothing to blog about. I am sitting at Computer 20 in Kogarah Library, listening to an out-of-tune kid attempting to sing. Its a library, for God's sake! Can't one get a little peace and quite here?

I haven't yet fulfilled any of my post-hsc goals, but I'm on my way to transforming from an inept, awkward little girl to a multi-talented, graceful young lady. Chances are, I would continue to be an inept, awkward little girl at the end of these three months. However, I have started to cook, drive and exercise, so all hope is not lost. I have also figured out what I want to do if the little ray of sunlight that I thought I've seen does not turn out to be one.

I talked to Aurpa for a long time, after a very long time. There are so many friends that I have lost touch with whom I really need to reconnect with. I should make a list and start going through them.

I haven't started reading 'Perks of a Wallflower' yet, but its sitting on my desktop. I shall start soon.

House Full has become interesting again.

I fell asleep while I was watching Picture of Dorian Gray. It wasn't the movie's fault, it was quite interesting, and it inspired me to plan to find the book and start reading.

I think I lost all the photos I took at school, after school, during graduation and during graduation dinner. Such a waste!

Currently, my favourite.

He sat back in his arrogant sort of way.
He said, “There’s nothing more to say.”
then lectured on for another hour.

She said, everything was fine.
She said, she didn’t like to whine,
then cried on for another hour.

They sat there screaming through the room was silent.
They sat so still though the scene was violent.
And words can never really help you say,
what you want them to anyway.
And words can never really help you see,
what you really want to be.
He took a last sip of cold tea.

Last chance to stop all these lies.
Last chance to clean up these lives.
This could be the final hour.

This could be the final hour, or
this could be the finest hour.

And words can never really help you say
what you want them to anyway.
And words can never really help you see,
what you really want to be.
He took a last sip of cold tea.

Updates #40385

1. I exercised! For twenty whole minutes! (Then I had hot chips and noodles for lunch. *Sigh*)
2. I drove for the first time in my entire life (excluding the occasional 2 second drives while washing the car) and I only hit the curb once! Baba took me to an empty street and we practised for a while, after which he directed me to drive back home. I didn't realise I was driving home until I was close to home. He also declared that I do not need professional driving lessons. I love you, baba!
3. I baked potato chips today because I thought they would be a healthy snack. Instead, the olive oil oozed out and drowned my chips, making it no different to deep fried, fat filled, sticks. They didn't taste too bad, though.
4. I watched about seven episodes of 'House Full'. The natok is hilarious! Mainly because I can see quite a few similarities between the characters and certain people in my life.
5. I started writing my long story in Bengali about seventeen year old girls.
6. I'm going to Fran's house next week!
7. Its slowly hitting me. I FINISHED SCHOOL. FOREVER!

Saturday

I can't find my permanent marker, so according to my calendar, its still the day before Economics HSC exam, although its actually supposed to be the day after the day marked '*HSC is over!!!*'. I am so tired I cannot be bothered finding a pen thick enough to cross off the days. No, I haven't been out partying till 2 AM, drunk and disorderly to the extent that I start missing HSC. I am tired because of the intense cleaning, talking, watching and sleeping. The Study is still in an unacceptable state and I am honestly scared to start touching it. But I have cleaned the rumpus, in which I have resided for the past year. (I studied in the rumpus, but dumped all unwanted mess in the Study, hence the fear of cleaning.)

I watched 'Definitely, Maybe' yesterday. It was alright, only slightly boring, I suppose; just another feel good movie. The little girl was annoying though, the plot line would have been better, if she wasn't stating every obvious little bits. I also borrowed 'Importance of Being Earnest' and 'Pictures of Dorian Gray'. And another DVD with three movies, which after I borrowed, realised is in a different language. :S

I also cooked a potato curry to surprise my mum. She was indeed surprised, and pleased, much to my happiness! This was the first time I have attempted to cook anything 'curry', and according to my mother, its a sign of me maturing. Although, she did tell me I'm still a baby on the morning of the same day...

I called Marisa and Niro and realised that both their voices have slightly changed in the past two years. Extremely scary.

Procrastination (Reminiscencing)

Prone to obsession of facebook and Dr Phil
Radiating stress, yet, having plenty of time to kill
Opening the fridge door and staring without reason
Creativity stemming out of place and out of season
Random acts of kindness has become your life story
And you've lost the motivation to fight for your glory
Sleep keeps alluring you to bed
There is nothing you would do instead
In moments of loneliness, you realise time's guile
Neither chocolate nor MSN can make you smile
ADD and numbness simultaneously overcome you
This overshadowing disease has caused you to eschew
In time, you will forget, and commit this sin again
Of trying to escape reality's pain
Not realising - all effort will fail in vain

16.10.09

Things I hate

1. Crying.
2. Headaches.
3. Mess.
4. Life.
5. Teeth.
6. The concept of money.
7. EVERYTHING!

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee at last.

I have been waiting for this day so long that its arrival is sort of an anti climax. All I feel is disoriented (again), sleepy and empty.

Not to worry. I shall go home and sleep. For about a week.

By the way, I was serious about looking for little kids to teach. If you know of any, please refer them to me or me to them. I love both kids and money.

And if anyone would like (to buy, possibly) my chemistry notes or english essays/analysis, please ask. I put a lot of effort in those and it would be a shame to burn them.

But economics is definitely going to be burnt!

From this moment, until the 16th, I cease to be and I refuse to be referred to as, 195****7.

Quick Updates

1. 7 days!
2. 'I just haven't met you yet' is stuck in my head, quite permanently.
3. Economics is still going right over my head.
4. I officially hate maths now. But if you know any little kids who want a tutor, I'm in! :D
5. I painted my toenails red today. AND its the first time I've ever painted my toenails. Its not as helpful as those chick flicks make it out to be.
6. I would like to watch An Education after HSC.

not my words

HSC: One of the most gruelling of any type of exam, by any standard. Taken in Australia, in the final year of schooling, the HSC determines your UAI, or University Admission Index, and subsequntly, your life.
The English exam(s) alone require the candidate to memorise 16 texts to quote from.

These exams have caused countless teenage suicides, and mass depression in adolescents, which causes excessive drinking and debauchery, and consequently, suspension, lowering the opportunity to learn and succed with this increddibly painful ordeal.

source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hsc

Disoriented

9 days till HSC starts.

22 days till HSC ends.

I think I forgot how to string more than a few lines together.

Current thoughts: I'm glad I kept writing through the crucial moments in my life. No matter how many people dislike these, I hope I would never delete posts. It reminds me of who I am.

Keep trying and keep praying!

Temporary death, waiting for you to save me, 5/11!

I have a runny nose, slight fever (in my opinion, not in anyone else's, unfortunately), knotty hair, bones that feel like they have both arthritis and osteoporosis, yellow eyes, an occasional cough, frequent sneezing, sweating and nausea. I also have less than 14 days till HSC.

From my list of things to do, I still haven't finished the analysis of At Mornington. Harwood feels like hard wood (a stole term from Aniqa)soaked in petrol. She's inviting me to set fire on everything that includes her name. Poetry is a wonderful expression of art, or would have been, if only we didn't have to analyse them so much for the Horrible Savage Creation.

This post is reminding me of Frankenstein. Another body part of the Horrible Savage Creation that I want to burn.

But thankfully, I can see the light at the end. Its less than a month away, waiting to sweep me off my feet and allow me to start to make history!

Convictions, Sharpnesses and Blehs

angered faces
Originally uploaded by Mirar_Mirror

Rimo says there's 21 days till doomsday.

Things I still need to do:
- Finish my analysis of At Mornington
- Takes notes on, start analysing AND finish analysing A Valediction, Sharpness of Death, Triste Triste
- Take notes on 3rd text for H&M essay and fix it up
- Fix up my pathetic story for paper 1
- A lot of Q 6&7s from maths extension 1
- A lot of papers for maths extension 2
- Go through the list of things to do for chem and actually do them
- Keep doing chem papers
- Go through everything for eco
- Get info on eco stats
- Re-write essay on China and memorise

All of these must be done in the next week. If M's predicted ATAR is 94-95, mine is not going to be higher.

People I do not want to disappoint: (Maybe its a bit too late, but working my backside off for the next 2 weeks might be worth a shot.)
- Ma
- Ma
- Ma
- Ma
- Ma
- Baba
- Steve
- Apuni and Bhaiyun

People whose smirks I would like to wipe off with a great ATAR:
- ******
- *****

But I think they'll get a better ATAR than me anyway.

Things I have to do after HSC:
- Lose 10 kgs
- Get a job and earn $$$
- Learn to drive
- Learn to cook, and bake more than just basic cakes
- Learn to sew
- Make video clips for my favourite songs that do not have video clips yet
- Take + edit photos to my heart's content
....
...
..

The list goes on.

I slept for about 13 hours yesterday.

Things I would like to change about myself:
- My inconsistency
- My lack of time management
- My lack of organisation
- My inability to hide my annoyance when needed

My mother is everything I'm not. I wouldn't like to change myself to completely be like her. I wish I had all the qualities that she has, AND all the good things I like about myself.

My graduation is on Friday. I will be graduating from high school. I will be beyond the boundaries and limitations of school. Yet I do not feel a thing. I just want to get this over and done with and get out of this place ASAP.

I just want to go home and eat.

Yes, today is one of those days. I think I am pms-ing. EVERYBODY is annoying me.

"You're in the hands of philosophers
who cut themselves, and bleed,
and know that knives are sharp,
but prove with complex logic
there's no such thing as sharpness."

I love making prank calls.

Another thing to do after HSC: BURN stuff.

I should go.

H.S.C

I'm. Just. So. Tired. Of. It. All.

I learnt the truth on the 17th

Yesterday may have been the night.

I woke up this morning and saw that everything was covered in mist. The sun was not as bright as it usually is. Its still quite a comfortable temperature. So yesterday may have been the night.

And I spent most of it sleeping.

I hate feeling regretful, yet I bring it upon me over and over again. HSC is only a month away now, yet I have so many things to do I doubt I'll be able to finish. I'm still wasting time. It'll hit me on the 16th of December. I know this for a fact but why am I still heedless to it?

দলা পাকানো কাগজ ও চুমোয় ভরা মগজ নিয়ে ঘুমোও,
মেঘের বেগে রেগে গিয়ে অসম্ভবের সম্ভাবনা ড্রিমাও,
তাও না হলে কাওকে বলে বিষন্নতার ছলে বসে ঝিমাও,
বা অন্য কিছু ধন্য করার আশায় মাথায় চিন্তা ঠাসা থামাও।

ইচ্ছে করছে বিষন্নতার ছলে বসে ঝিমাইতে। ধুর!

Despair

According to Rimo, I now have 38 days till HSC.

According to the blue Ramadan calendar on my wall, I have 7-8 days of Ramadan.

According to the ways of the world, I might not have a second more to live.

I must get back to 2001 extension 2 maths past paper. But here is one of my favourite songs:

Smile in the two- way mirror of my eyes
I put on my faith like I wear a disguise
You can’t see my soul
See the life that I live
Show you the mask of the best I can give
I’ve hid here afraid like a child behind.
Truth of my thoughts that clutter my mind.
What if you knew about all that I do?
Things that I think,
The me that is true.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

I’ve been looking for answers since becoming an adult
Not looking for dogma to live like a cult
I’ve been looking to live,
I’ve been living to find
Freedom from cages that limit my mind.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

Will I scare you, upset you, frustrate you, irate you?
Challenge a lifestyle or weaken your trust
Or will you see my efforts and my passionate sincerity
Would you see just a little of yourself in me
Will you take off your mask so we can both be free.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

Words flowing out like rain... from my overwhelmed brain

The Optus countdown timer that comes up when you type 'HSC Countdown' in Google tells me I have 36 days 18 hours 58 minutes and 33.. 32.. 31 (this is really scary) seconds left. Signing in to Facebook frequently reminds me that there are 19.. 18.. 17 days till the end of school. I have been telling myself that HSC is 'just a stepping stone to the rest of this life' - Ms Ackers' words of advice. I also realise that there are more important things in life, like having a good character and a strong personality. Yet, when all those reminders constantly hover on my face, its a little hard to do so. UMAT results should be coming out soon and deadlines for university application forms and scholarship forms are getting closer. I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I wish life would slow down a tad bit so that I can catch up.

In the midst of it all, Ramadan is passing incredibly fast. Today is already the 21st day and it feels like it only started. Eid would be on the Sunday or the Monday week. Before that, one of these days, contains the most blessed night of the year. I really hope I can get it. It's a chance to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. Maybe that'll be the night that'll speed me up so that I can keep up with life. My heart has long turned back towards the nitty gritties of the world, so the result of all the hard work to become a better person is slowly disintegrating. In the beginning of Ramadan, I felt that my perceptions are clearing. I could see this life on a holistic level and place all the pieces in their right places. I had my priorities set clearly and I attempted to stick to them. But right now, I feel far, far away from that peaceful place. I'm sinking again.

I think we are getting closer to the end. One of the signs is that days seem shorter and shorter because there are so many things to do. This is quite clearly evident. Here are some more:

Qiyamah will come when...

Hadhrat Abu Musa Ash'ari (R.A.) narrates that Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhii Wassallam) said, "Qiyamah will come...

When it will be regarded as a shame to act on Quranic injunctions. (quite obvious, no?)

When untrustworthy people will be regarded as trustworthy and the trustworthy will be regarded as untrustworthy. (people say this is the rule of the world!)

When it will be hot in winter. (I think we experienced it quite frequently this winter here in Australia)

When the length of days is stretched, i.e. a journey of a few days is covered in a matter of hours. (and it still seems so long!)

When orators and lecturers lie openly.

When people dispute over petty issues.

When women with children come displeased on account of them bearing offspring, and barren women remain happy on account of having no responsibility of offspring.

When oppression, jealousy, and greed become the order of the day.

When people blatantly follow their passions and whims.

When lies prevail over the truth.

When violence, bloodshed and anarchy become common.

When immorality overtakes shamelessness and is perpetrated publicly.

When legislation matters pertaining to Deen is handed over to the worst elements of the Ummat, and if people accept them and are satisfied with their findings, then such persons will not smell the fragrance of Jannat.

When the offspring become a cause of grief and anger (for their parents).

The following is part of a lengthy Hadith narrated by Hadhrat Abdullah Ibn Mas'ood (R.A.) when he inquired from Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) about the Signs of Qiyamah. (The current world is unfortunate to have met all the requirements!

Music and musical instruments will be found in every home.

People will indulge in homosexuality.

There will be an abundance of illegitimate children.

There will be an abundance of critics, tale-carriers, back- biters and taunters in society.

People will establish ties with strangers and sever relations with their near and dear ones.

Hypocrites will be in control of the affairs of the community and evil, immoral people will be at the helm of business establishments.

The Masjid will be decorated, but the hearts of the people will be devoid of guidance.

The courtyards of Masjids will be built beautifully and high mimbars (pulpits) will be erected.

Gangsters and evil people will prevail.

Various wines will be consumed excessively.

I don't know how many of the 6,706,993,152 people in our world read my blog, or believe in what I say. We have become so cynical that it is almost impossible to just 'believe'. I wish things would change. I wish I was different. Different and strong.

Cliches (also called Chocolate Bars)

I want to sing and dance away on a moonlit night
I want to promise you that we would never ever fight
I wish we could lie on grass and stare up at the sky
And wipe away the tears if they challenged us to cry
I want to catch the raindrops with my berry flavoured lips
I wish we had a swimming pool for late night skinny dips.
We could shiver with mixed emotions under a billion stars
And pretend that our endless love was enough to stop all wars.
I wish we had a lot of money in our tiny hands
Then we could travel round the world and holiday on nice islands
And you could buy me the perfect white gold diamond ring
And I could believe I was queen and you were king.
Then we would never have to study chemistry or physics
We could defy the laws of gravity and live our life on tricks
I could rummage my own brain instead of copying Keats
And we would enjoy a cup of coffee in our personalised love seats.
All the people that keep telling us we are futureless losers
Can become confused, depressed, trashy, psychotic old boozers.
We could point at them and laugh because they would look like clowns.
And then get on a roller-coaster to feel life's ups and downs.
And everything that's uninvited could get stuffed in planet Mars
While we imagine the infinite ways our life could taste like chocolate bars.

---

I wrote this poem on the 11th of May, spontaneously, within about 20 minutes. That's why it sounds cheap and corny.



PS: I like my new layout.
PPS: There is 38 odd days till HSC.
PPPS: 'Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn' took a new meaning yesterday.
PPPPS: Who needs drugs if she had enough uppers and downers in her head?
PPPPPS: 09.09.09

4th of May - Taslima Nasreen and I

I wrote this post on 04/05/09, but never got around to posting it. I just read over it again and am fascinated by these thoughts. Why do I not contemplate on my own contemplation and implement changes in my life? :S

---




I’ve read about 30 pages of ‘Meyebela’ and I am already beginning to understand how dangerous Taslima Nasreen is. From the moment I started reading it, I loved her writing style – she uses simple words and relatable examples to create a very clear picture of her life. She makes insignificant events seem incredibly interesting. She builds up the characters gradually and gives them life with every word. Basically, she is one of those exceptionally talented writers who can imprison readers in their work of art.
She is also extremely ignorant. She makes simple observations about the things around her and comes to conclusion using solely her own opinion. As I was reading the autobiography, I knew something was wrong with it, but I could not place my finger on exactly what was wrong. B cleared the confusion. He said, creativity is great, but when a person can’t distinguish between creativity and reality, that is when the problem begins. In this case, using her own opinion to come to a conclusion may be very creative, but, she lacks factual information about very serious topics to actually deserve to come to a conclusion, thus, overlooking reality. She came from a very problematic family, which can spark a lot of character problems later in life. I was reading her book and subconsciously being very grateful for having such a close-knit, problem free family. Everyone in my family is very mature about life and considers all options before making drastic changes to themselves. So far, no one has made any changes too drastic; although I am sure we contemplated various things, various times. I am very lucky to be around people who consider the greater good before plunging towards immediate satisfaction. I also feel very sorry for her father. He came from a farmer’s family himself, and became a doctor, earned a lot of money after having hardship, and tried to provide the best for his children so that they would be successful in life. His stinginess was very normal, given his background. Yet, his children never appreciated what he did for them. I guess her mother was part of the wrong equation too; she often hid information from him and exemplified that to her children. It seems like they all hid a lot of things from each other and never communicated well. I am very, very glad that we communicate. I have seen so many relationships fall apart because of lack of a few exchange of words. Maybe that was the problem that triggered everything else in her life.
Steve was telling us to be grateful for what we have. I often forget that I have an amazing family, a healthy body and mind (mostly), some very respectable teachers, friends who I can lean on, a great education, more than enough food and water, a warm blanket, wardrobe full of clothes, Sydney’s million dollar sky to witness magnificent views everyday, an above average brain and Islam. Reading over that list again, I realised that this would probably be considered to be a perfect life by many. Then why am I not satisfied? I should be able to use all of those – everything I have to change the world to be a little better. My parents have seen hardship and gave us everything to not be hindered by poverty and lack of support in order to excel. It would be very ungrateful of me to just sit here and waste away my life. I always blame and joke about procrastination but it actually is becoming a real problem, when it should not even exist as a valid problem.

New Experiences (mostly within the past week)

1. Seeing a dead animal in the drain next to a main road, with hollow eyes.
2. Creating apple milkshake. Do NOT try at home.
3. Returning to facebook after 2 months.
4. Being able to save $17.10 without spending a cent in the process.
5. Walking around with a blanket.
6. Being 47 days away from the HSC.
7. Standing in the train all the way from Redfern to Blacktown.
8. Losing interest in MX.
9. Understanding every word of a British movie without subtitles.
10.Surprise virtual visit from Fran and Rimo.

I spent the past hour flicking through blogs I never knew existed. And realised that mine needs a makeover. You're right Fran, its way too pink. Year 8 outfits must be shed, and Year 12 must be donned. Whenever I can be bothered.

washing away the empty space in between my ears

I feel like I finished my HSC. I don’t feel like touching another text book, or picking up a pen to do past papers, or feeling stressed over not knowing what to expect in an upcoming test. I just want to spend the rest of my days doing what I did today, and some more. I want to watch a movie with my parents knowing, without feeling any guilt. I want to put on a CD and cook and clean at my pace, without constantly getting reminded that the only reason I am doing so is that it will help me concentrate better. I want to earn and spend like there is no tomorrow. Then sleep for a week.





Well that’s the aftermath of finishing trials – for which I studied so much less and stressed so much more than I expected to. I thought this year would be the making of me – the year I actually get into a healthy diet and exercise routine, lose weight, study consistently and basically learn to glide through life. Instead, it’s turning out to be one of the worst years – both emotionally and physically. Now I started to hate studying so much that even sorting through notes feel overwhelmingly difficult. I would like to think my brain isn’t deteriorating neither was it always non-existent, but that seems like the most plausible explanation for my lack of knowledge. Like, Right after my chemistry test, I was asked a question about the difference between a surfactant and an emulsifier, and I couldn’t answer correctly. Worst of all, I studied a bit of chemistry over the holidays and I thought I knew my concepts. So, in my head, I keep thinking I know stuff when in reality I clearly don’t. See what I mean?


I hate, absolutely loath studying for tests. I can’t handle stress. Another reason why I shouldn’t be a doctor. Or maybe another why I should be – so that I can learn to handle it. I think I still want to be a doctor, but I am feeling increasingly uncertain about it. I don’t know. The future seems so mysterious right now. I feel completely blind to anything beyond the Christmas holidays.


Talking about Christmas holidays – my extensive plan to enjoy it is getting more and more detailed every day. Among other lists, I have a list of ‘books to read’, ‘movies to watch’ as well as ‘ways to make money’ hidden somewhere, possibly between two economics texts books, which explains why I felt more sure about my holidays than the test next day the day before the economics exam. I am already making $4 every week, starting from last week. Its quite a downgrade from $50 for spending a similar amount of time working, but I feel so much better to get some sort of financial independence. At least I can pay Yara back for my pawpaw ointment with my own money!





Since I refuse to do anything that 18-year-olds are allowed to do, including drinking, gambling, drinking and gambling, buying spray paint and/or cigarettes and getting married without parents consent, and since I haven’t learnt to drive yet, I don’t really have much choice of entertainment in the outside world. So I decided to stay in and watch 3 movies – ‘All the Real Girls’, ‘Suddenly 30’ and ‘Notting Hill’. ‘Suddenly 30’ was a disappointment; I can’t believe I could only borrow four movies from the library and I borrowed that! I can’t even remember why I wanted to watch that it the first place! The only good thing about that movie was that the guy was cute in a dorky sort of way. Thankfully, the other two didn’t bring about so much regret. In fact, ‘All the Real Girls’ is probably one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Its one of those unconventional romantic films. Its set in North Carolina, one of the few places in America that I want to visit. The first time I read about NC was in Nicholas Spark’s books, possibly ‘Message in a Bottle’. The ocean seems like a beautiful place from there. Its about the way a guy changes for a girl who is really innocent compared to him, and whose brother is his best friend and extremely protective. All the families are troubled with different things, like the guy’s mother is single who works as a clown in a hospital and hates it and the girl’s little brother is mentally disabled. Then the girl goes away to a party one weekend and completely changes, and the guy becomes really angry. (I feel really stupid calling them ‘guy’ and ‘girl’, so I’ll just stop describing the movie. It’s good enough to watch.)
The theme song is 'Say Goodbye Good', which I liked when I was watching the movie. So I looked up the lyrics, and it doesn't make much sense to me.

Say good bye good - hey hey hey
we might not be fooling around today
if we go all the way - hey hey hey
all there is after us is the songs that we play
say good bye good - hey hey hey
all we've got is right now
if you're not going my way
my eyes are listening - hey hey hey
we might not mean anything that we'ld say
no no way, no way, we might not be fooling around today, no way, no way
trees have caught fire when your eyes lit up
the season's changed and the movie has stopped
frontlights are out, the curtains are drawn.
Now I was before our first days are gone
at the end of the song. so long.
we might not know what we've done so long - no no way
we might not be fooling around today.

‘Notting Hill’ was ok. Funny, as Hugh Grant always is. Cute, as Hugh Grant always is. And I loved the family. I haven’t finished watching it yet, but I think the ending would be quite predictable. It’s a boy meets girl type film, what else can you expect?

And then I learnt a better way to serve my cake – which I dubbed ‘Moon Cake’ (due to its extremely uneven surface, but heavenly taste!) - and fed it to three people in my family that way. And I cleaned the whole house listening to Anjan Datta’s CD – old songs I dug up and loved. He is similar to Kimya Dawson, Shahana Bajpai and Dawud Wharnsby Ali; his voice and words speak so much truth, especially his creative, random yet carefully chosen words.





Ramadan most probably starts on Saturday. I have been looking forward to this month so much, since I really feel like a bit of cleaning might stop me from having a spiritual heart attack. This year has been so full of internal emotional turmoil that I think it stuffed my system up. It’s amazing how we are given so many chances to rectify and redeem ourselves, and we mostly miss them. Baba was talking about galaxies last night. He said that there are 200 million galaxies that have been discovered. The smallest galaxy has 10 million stars, the largest has 1 trillion. Our galaxy – Milky Way is a pretty small one. Among the millions, the Sun is one small star. And around the sun, among all the other 8+ planets, Earth is a pretty small one too. And Australia is on one side of the world (according to English snobs), and Sydney is a little place on the edge of Australia. And I am an insignificant being in Sydney. Yet, I am given chances over and over again. Why do I keep missing them?


I am such a hopelessly hopeful loser!


p.s: I am quite curious (and excited for that matter, since I thought my world revolves around Sydney and Dhaka) to know who my Chicago, Illanois reader is! Who are you?

HSC thoughts #749

My trials start in 4 days. UMAT was crap. My brain wants to think about anything but studying. I am a HSC student. My life, currently, is supposed to be ALL about studying.

Pathetic.

But what isn't pathetic is this:

The blue sky is blue like blue bubble gum,
but it prays to Allah, it prays to Allah,
and like the flavour of the blue sky and the bubble gum won’t last,
so we’ve got to thank Allah before our chances go past.

I don’t wanna be a grown-up like the grown-ups I have seen,
`cause the grown-ups I have seen don’t seem to have much fun.
They don’t get down on the floor enough to pray or play with toys,
when I’m a grown-up, I won’t want to be one

Now, if I lived back at the time of the Prophet
I know that he would be different, I just know he’d find the time and
I would make him something, special like some paper planes or something,
I could race those planes with him or get a camel back ride.

I used to love this song when I was little. I haven't heard it for a looong long time. Now the only line i vaguely remember is 'the blue sky is blue like a blue bubblegum'.

Anything- anything can happen

UMAT in less than 24 hours.

:'(

You make life depressing, HSC.

I know I would not feel like this if I stop feeling merely stressed and actually study. And if I turn to God. I shouldn't be depressed. Its a disease that doesn't make sense.

Then why do I feel like I am becoming overcome by darkness?

6 Things I hate about YOU!

I know, I know. I'm not supposed to post until the 5th of November. But there are several reasons why this post doesn't count.
a) I need to vent. (note the urgency)
b) I am not studying anyway. So the whole purpose of giving up blogging has been defied.
I rest my case.

Disclaimer: The 'you' does not refer to a particular person. This is the top six things that I can't stand in other people. If you are guilty of any of these: STAY AWAY! I am sure there are people in the world without these qualities whom I can mingle with. Alternatively, you can try to change.

1. Hypocrisy (Self explanatory)
2. Cowardliness (Especially in guys! I think its because all the men that I respect and admire, such as my dad, brother, Steve, are not cowards. Chivalry is dead in our society, but my expectations are set high by the chivalrous men around me. I can't, absolutely cannot respect a male person if he is a coward.)
3. Careless use of words (includes lying, bitching, bitching and lying simultaneously, inconsistancy in words and action, excessive appraisal without believing in the praises)
4. Selfishness (I am quite selfish myself, so I guess its not fair to be irritated by selfish people. But because I am selfish, another selfish person in my surroundings will bring about fights and lead to hatred. If you want to avoid hatred, and you are an extremely selfish person, keep a distance please!)
5. Egotism, in males and females alike
6. Self-pitying

There you go, if you know that you are a 'YOU', you know why I have been so distant to you. Ever since I found out you had one of these, I've been trying to restrain myself from hitting you over the head with the nearest heaviest thing.

Much Ado About Something

'B' is right again. I am in dire need of fixing up my priorities. I am not a person who's hardest struggle is to keep them alive, or someone who has reasons to be depressed. All my basic needs are fullfilled and some more, yet I am not using all the opportunities I am getting. My life feels like a jigsaw puzzle that has been tipped upside down. I need to get all the pieces and put them in their right spots. I need to stop spending so much time on the net, because, clearly, its not helping me or any others; instead, I need to focus on the reality. The reality happens to be exactly one hundred and fifty eight days away. These days will pass in the blink of an eye and I would not even realise, just like everything else.
I realised that everyone else thinks I study a lot. I was pretty surprised, because, to me, it seems that I do not study at all. Then I realised that its because I am so disorganised that the times that I do study do not amount to anything in the end. But to people who only see me when I am studying or motivated, it seems that I study all the time. If this keeps on going, I would be a loser (in the original sense) both ways.
The only problem is, I don't know how to fix me.
Maybe I should be one of those people who stuff up their HSC and then tell everyone else how not to stuff up. I think they get a lot of money if they are lucky. I wouldn't even have to work hard to do that - it'll all come very naturally!
I noticed that I am having conversations with myself in my head. A part of me tells me to forget about what everyone says and just to get back to the task in hand because that will atleast push me a little forward instead of pushing me back or keeping myself stationary. Another part butts in with a thousand 'what if?'s. I think its a product of watching too much House.
I am also very confused all the time. There should be a device where you can tip your brain out, get it fixed, then pick it up and place it back in its spot. If the jigsaw puzzle fits right, there is nothing else to worry about. An organised less talented person goes further in life than a disorganised talented person.
So here goes the first step:
I will not post again before 5th November 2009. My wisdoms should be channelled towards myself for a little while.

^ dates

There is about five months to go before my life takes a turn and I can already feel it getting nervous. There are so many possibilities in front that its not exactly sure what to do. I started daydreaming about those after-HSC times long ago but the time before that is seeming more and more real. I have only two sets of school assessments to go before the final moment arrives!

I figured out why I want to do medicine. It will give me a very fulfilling career and it provides job security. Therefore, I can have a fulfilling career my whole life, if I am not unlucky. When I am about 45/50, I can go back to Bangladesh and work in a village for free. Before that, I can save up enough money to life a comfortable life and help people with my money too. I don't want to feel like I have wasted my life when I look back. I want to feel like I have contributed at least a little to the world.

We went to a career expo today, where representatives from various universities try to sell their courses as 'the best'. I added Bond University to my list of potentials, along with the ten others that I have thought of before. At times, it feels like the process would be a sinch! And most other times, I don't believe I can get there. Maybe this is driving me crazy. I must be acting very weird lately. 'A' asked me if I wanted to commit suicide. It made me laugh.

I talked to 'H' after a long time today and shared the stress of economics. I see 'O' at the bus stop sometimes, I've also seen Ange a few times. But I have no idea what happened to Karishma. Conclusion: HSC vanishes people.

I have no idea what I wanted to talk about or what I am talking about. I think the coffee that I have about seven hours ago is still working its way through my body. I am feeling extra jittery today.

I texted choto mami and 'K' bhaiya last night. None of them texted back. I think my skills in phone-tennis is deteriorating. I can't even win one whole game any more! Minesweeper started to annoy me too.

I am getting my reports next week. Maybe thats another reason for feeling so jittery, even though I know my rankings already. Chemistry made me laugh. I am at the top of the list if you turn it upside down.
And I deactivated facebook! :D

I am running out of updates. My life is very boring right now.

Reflections

I can't handle too much pressure. If I am around ten thousand contradictory ideas, I get confused about which one to believe in. If ten thousand different people come to me with truth in their eyes, I will believe all of them. I can't yet differentiate between what is and what should be. The reality is the reality, but often the reality is not right. My problem is, I often don't know the difference between the wrong reality and the right reality. Maybe its because of my naivity and lack of exposure to both 'right' and 'wrong'. Or maybe its because of too much exposure to the wrong side of reality.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and then attempted to clean up the mess. I fell so many times that by now, picking myself up should've been my special talent. But I still falter and fall further. I get affected by what people say and I just let that get to me. Depending on whether it is a compliment or a criticism, I bask in daydreams or wallow in miseries for the next couple of weeks. I wish I was a bit more 'my own' instead of being so volatile!

I have one and a half days left of the holidays and I have not done what I planned to do. Of course, I did have a few things done here and there, but it wasn't enough. If I don't get stuck right into it the next 12 weeks, there is no way that I will be able to get into medicine anywhere, not even in some hole like Tasmania. I deleted the games from my phone. I just need to get off a few other things and then hopefully I will have no reason not to concentrate. I am trying to get back to Allah the way I did at the end of year 10, but I am faltering there too. But I just have to remember that He loves me like more than anyone loves me.

Here's a hadith to remind me of this later:
A man once came to Prophet Muhammad (s) carrying with him his belongings and a box. He said, "O Prophet! While I was passing through a jungle, I heard the voice of some bird's babies. I took them and put them in this box. The moment I did that, their mother came fluttering round my head."
And the Prophet said, "Put them down". When the man put the box on the ground, the mother of the young birds joined them. Seeing this, the Prophet asked the man who now had a look of surprise on his face, "Are you surprised by the affection of the mother towards her young? I swear by Him (Almighty Allah) who has sent me, surely, God is more loving to his servants than the mother to these young birds. Return these baby birds to the place from where you took them, and let their mother be with them."

And I know that Allah listens to me and He tests the ones He loves. And He tests us by temptations, as well as failure. What happens around us does not matter, what matters is how we respond to it. If we don't respond to temptations, it would only make us stronger.